Preping myself to start life on my own again
I know I did not take some very sound advice on here, and took the $5400 H owed in back taxes on his house to the county treasurer. I did it because, in the end, I have to face my maker one day, and I have to face me everyday. Tho the house is a lousy investment (he's upside down by over twice it's value on the mortgage), how do I sit and watch the only thing he actually has get sold at tax auction? I'm so not that way.
But-I have moved my good jewelry out of here. My things of value are no longer around, so he cannot appropriate anything of mine for SD17. When he asked me to give him one of my necklaces so he could give it to her, he told me if she knew it was mine she'd throw it away. Now, knowing this, why on earth would I want her to have it???
And I took the biggest step of all. I talked to my parents about the situation. My folks are very closed when it comes to telling us or suggesting to us how to run our private lives, but this time, after hearing how H had vowed to me that his finances were in order before I would marry him, after hearing how he owes the IRS an undisclosed (to me) sum and the State over $40,000, how the garnishment has put us at poverty level, they spoke. So now they know. And they are prepared to sign anything they have to to keep him out of this house when the time comes.
So here's my question to you all. I've lived with very little since my first divorce. Years of working at low paying jobs, raising my son with no support, has left me with very little to fall back on. This small town used to be about 5,000. It's now down to about 3,800. We have a Walmart. 3 banks. No grocery store, no clothing store. No factory, no temp agencies. Main street is lined with empty businesses. I now have a car payment, that I didn't have until a week before I married H (supposedly his wedding gift, but of course the loan is in my name). the only thing I do have is excellent credit, which I have spent a lifetime building.
On to the question: What would you do? H is now offered 35 hours a week at work instead of layoff. With the garnishment, it's enough to pay the bills, at least. BUT how many more financial nightmares from his past are lurking? The ones I now know about are financial ruin for years to come. I can sell a few things (a diamond ring, diamond bracelet, diamond necklace, and a few other things) and come up with about $7,000 I think, which I could stretch out to live on for maybe 4 or 5 months. I've been sending out resumes and going on interviews since December, with no offers of employment.
If you were in my shoes would you a* get the locks changed and give him his walking papers now or b* wait until I land a job, any job?
I'm so confused, and I admit, frightened. About the coming months and paying my bills.
One up note-Moms hip is finally healing. Hopefully in another month she'll be able to prepare meals, and get back to daily life, so if I absolutely have to move, the folks should be ok.
What would you do?
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Bewitched
I'm glad to hear that your mother is improving. That alone will be a weight lifted off your shoulders.
As for the rest: if you are willing to part with some of your jewelry, why don't you try selling it first to see how much you end up with. Then if you get close to what you expected and think it will be enough to tide you over for a while, then I say give the bum his walking papers and boot that trash to the curb!
I was in your situation once, was
a long time ago but heres what I did and it was the best thing I ever did. Move and go to a bigger city with more jobs, colleges and opportunity. It was hard but not as hard as it would have been to stay where I was. Was also a fresh new start. I have never once regretted moving and I moved far, far away ( almost 2,000 miles). That was 30 years ago and it was the single best thing I ever did in my whole life.
Research and find a good city to live in, nowhere is going to be perfect but look for something bigger and stable ecomonically. I will have been here 35 years and going to move again, this time to retire ( early retirement, yeah !!!!)
The next best thing I ever did was get an education. It was hard work as I had to go to school and work at the same time but it was well worth it and the third best thing I ever did was buy a house in my name that was mine and I bought one cheaper than I could afford so I could pay it off early.
I wish there were easier ways but it helps to go to where the work is, find an area you like and can be trained in then trying to make something where nothing and no opportunity exists.
Not to mention you'll get far away from that man and his bratty kid.
I would not tell him anything until after your divoced and the ink is dry. Mention nothing of any plans you have or anything.
Get legally divorced before you say or do anything. Trust me, he is not going to try to help you in any way, so why put yourself in the position he can hurt or delay you?
screw him........... take care of yourself because he sure isn't going to. If you can get him to move out esasily, do so and then change the locks, file for divorce and get on with it.
Get him away from you if you can.... the sooner the better.
I have a 22 year old relative who moved to wyoming and found a job paying 22/ hr working for walmart doing ordering for the stores inventory. He loves it there but had to move out of state. To get good jobs you have to move sometimes, more so if your from a little, bankrupt town.
BW Move!
You have tons of people that you've met on ST who support you and care about you. As soon as you make the decision to kick him out consider the possibility of starting fresh. I know it hurts, I am going to somrthing very similar. But remember that God only sends us what we can handle and this will make you stronger. I know you also feel responsible for your parents because of their health. Do you think they would consider moving with you? or that they would support your decision to move?
These men are a drain, on our energy, our emotions, our finances and our lives. Like you I have been married less than a year and look, instead of getting better things get worse.
I think that you and I are similar in that we ended up with "projects" (unbeknown to us). They were men who seemed like princes but their true self eventually emerged and we feel/felt too responsible for them to NOT help out.
But when push comes to shove, do you think your H would be there for you? Or do you think he would be like mine and abandon you when you have your greatest need?
One can only hope!
That's a great idea Oct8!
BW, do you think that your parents would move with you?
all woman get projects
and rebuilds, some keep em, some learn from them to not get fixer uppers after just one "project" and for some it takes dozens until they either give up or start to avoid them.
Before I met dh, you should see all the "projects" I met. Some of them very charming, good jobs and had it all together ON THE OUTSIDE, but I wasn't going to be fooled and end up with a rebuild or "project" again.
I ditched em' and kept myself open and mentally healthy in case the right one came along and also for my day to day happiness. I would have rather stayed single for life than have another rebuild or project.
I had more projects than any woman should. One day when still in my 20's I stopped accepting them for anything more than what they were worth. Had one setback, lasted too many years, but ended up ok.
You will end up ok too, just learn to not take a man at face value, know who he is and what kind of character he has before commiting to a relationship.
Life is too short
To waste on people who don't give a rat's butt about you. Scary as it is I would get him out ASAP-like Sasha stated-sell what you can and see how much money you end up with and give him his walking papers.
I know you have lots invested in him emotionally-but life is just too short. IMHO
Step Parenting – you might need to step back before you step in something!
All the financial stuff
is a red flag. Believe me, I've been paying my DHs back taxes for four years now. He hadn't even filed taxes for 3 years when I met him and the 4 the year before we got married. Well, I ahve three children and work full time, so I always got back around $4500. We get married and suddenly he tries to tell me that the reason we get so much back is because he makes so much money, so he does not feel bad at all that they are taking every penny of our tax return to cover the back taxes that he owes. We are going on 5th year of marriage and guess what.. FINALLY no taxes anymore, but now he still thinks we should split tax returns as if all the money that was paid in was half my fault. Get out while you can. If you can part with items, those are just items, stretch the money and get to a bigger city with more jobs.
Don't let him pull you any deeper.
BW, I think you know where I stand on this matter...
Now is good.
Yesterday is better.
I agree with Vick, when she said, "The longer you stay with DH, the more chance there will be that he further entangles you in his financial crises, and possibly burden you with joint debt that will make your situation even more insurmountable. Get out while the getting's good."
You continue to be in my prayers.
"Of course things worked out nicely for Carol Brady...she had a live-in maid and Mike's first wife was DEAD!"
Your too good a person...you
Your too good a person...you should have kicked his butt to the curb before you gave him money for his back taxes...really...do you think he'd ever do the same for you? The answer it definitely a NO. I commend you for being the better person...but honestly sometimes, being the better person does not get you ahead. I think everyone on this site has been telling you for months now to kick him out...what are you waiting for? I left my ex with a lot less money that you could have selling jewelry. I know you don't want to leave your parents just yet, and I'm sure you want to stay as close to them as possible, but I think you need to go to the nearest big city and get your resumes out there. If you don't have to watch over your parents so much, then you can spend the time driving...and maybe when your parents are completely self sufficient you can then move to that city and visit your parents on weekends. Good luck!
Only you can answer this for yourself
I would go. I did it myself once, but I did wait til I got a job. I had about 5 years front and back office medical experience so I had tons of interviews and a couple offers within a month of searching.
If you don't have the opportunities in this town then is there a neighboring town with more? Or are you able to move in with a relative/rent a room cheap, get a min wage job and go back to school for training in a tech field?
I feel from all you have written that you already know what's best for your soul. It's scary I know it. When I left my first marriage I hadn't worked in 2 years and had a 2 and 5 year old to take care of. I had NEVER lived alone in my life at that time (31).
It was scary. But once I jumped and made it work it was exhilarating too. "When you take charge of your life, there is no longer need to ask permission of other people or society at large. When you ask permission, you give someone veto power over your life." ~Geoffrey F. Abert