cmw's picture

Parents and wife cant stand each other,

I married a woman 2 years ago who had 3 kids from a previous marriage.. ages today are sd7, sd6, and ss5.

We dated a year before getting married, so it has been 3 years total. My family did not come to the wedding, but honestly i did not expect them to. I was previously married for 11 years before this and have a bd6 from that marriage.

Anyway, my family and my wife do not like each other, and apparently never will. We live 8 miles away from each other btw.

I know that my stepkids annoy the hell out of my family when they are around (they are demanding and very competitive with each other for attention), and they do not consider my wife to be my kids' stepmom, just some "whore" I'm with for sex. Seriously.

Neither side has ever sincerely attempted to make ammends or call a truce. There has been forced fake shows of friendliness, but it always is quickly shot down by any random drama. So presently my wife cant stand my parents because they have replaced my role in the family with my ex-wife (seriously) and my parents cant stand my wife because they blame her for breaking up my previous marriage or any chance of us getting back together. This is not true however... my previous marriage was not good, but i stuck it out for years because I was raised in a christian home where divorce is a sin.

There are many many details to this, but I dont have anyone to seek advice from on this.

I hope this follows this sites criteria, as 4 stepkids and 2 step parents are involved.

Thanks for your time.

cmw's picture

I dont think i do.. my

I dont think i do.. my parents and ex wife are together 3 to 4 times a week, so my bd sees them quite often.
They go to church together, and my ex lets my family keep my kid on weekends when I dont have her. Every weekend I dont have her.
I know this because my kid tells me when I see her.

cmw's picture

I mentioned counseling on a

I mentioned counseling on a couple of ocassions, but nothing ever came of it.

the worst part is that my daughter doesnt like coming to my house. She immediately asks when she gets to go back home.
I believe this is a combination of being an only child at her house, and getting everything she wants because lets face it her mom gets a lot of my money... and I firmly believe that she sees whats going on between my family and my wife and knows that me and my wife are not part of what her mom and my parents have going on. Therefore she wants to be there. (no telling what she is hearing or seeing when she is not at my house mind you.)

Just for example.. I found out this week, that my ex is letting my parents take my bd on vacation to beavers bend in OK this weekend with my sister, her husband, and their kid. So the whole fame minus my house. We werent invited, which I wouldnt expect to be.

It just sucks.

cmw's picture

Youre right, Im sure that may

Youre right, Im sure that may have something to do with it as well.

but yea, I wouldnt give up what little time I get with her. Ill fight until shes old enough to make her own decisions anyway.

Kes's picture

I think your first alliegance

I think your first alliegance has to be to your wife - it can't be fun having your inlaws describe you as a whore. If the stepkids annoy them, my advice would be to cut down the amount of time you are all together, or maybe just go and see them yourself, and very occasionally the whole family.
If your BD misses her grandparents, perhaps you could discuss with your wife how she might feel about your BD having some time with them alone, maybe while your SKIDs see their father, or other set of grandparents.
I am the second wife, and I don't get on with my MIL. My DH takes his daughters to visit her and I stay home. We are civil when MIL and I do meet, but we give each other space.

Veteran disengaged SM of 14 years. Underestimate me, that'll be fun.

Ommy's picture

of course there will be

of course there will be PASing the grandparents see the girl when BM wants a free weekend, grandparents love BM and hate SM....ummm....duh!!!!!!! grandparents are horrible about PASing kids.

cmw's picture

Like I said, my BD sees her

Like I said, my BD sees her grandparents a lot.
I get 1st 3rd and 5th weekends, my parents get 2nd and 4th weekends.
This is no joke.. My ex gets every weekend free.

just sayin

cmw's picture

They are kids.. kids do what

They are kids.. kids do what kids do. They arent out of control necessarily, but they are definantly a handful. I feel like a drill sargeant in my house, especially since their ages are soooo close.

Their discipline and enforced rules seem to me to be a constant ongoing thing in our house, but I cant let up, and neither can their mom.

Im sorry, I forgot to add here that my ex and my wifes ex dated for over a year after we got married... LOL
seriously. All of the kids would leave our house and still be together with their other parents in a different house.

Delilah's picture

So you still see your

So you still see your parents? Does your sister share the same view as your parents do of your wife?

Just considering the relationship issues between your parents and wife for the moment, I dont actually think its a good idea for your wife and skids to attend any function with your family members who perceive your wife to be a husband stealing whore. God tells you to respect your wife, by placing her in that type of environment that is just providing an opportunity for your wife and skids to be attacked by your judgemental family. No wonder everyone is being fake and insincere, as what else do you do? Ignore the fact your PIL think you are awful, even when its not true?

My own PIL hated me initially. No reason given and they couldnt tell DH why, except I was "different", "opinionated" and they admitted I had been nothing but lovely to them. Yet they called me names, accused me of awful things, treated me with disrespect and contempt. I continued to turn the other cheek and make an effort, even though at times it was strained as I knew what they thought. However there came a point where I couldnt do it anymore. I could feel the venom coming off of them in waves towards me and it was affecting my health. My own DH just wanted everyone to get along and felt stuck in the middle...thing is, I didnt put him there. His family did. THEY wanted him to choose, them or me. Their actions, their demeanour, their attitude and their behaviour towards me all was designed to split us up.

IMO your family are doing the same thing to you and your wife. They admit they felt she was the cause of your relaitonship breakdown and no doubt your ex wife is enjoying going along with that, they feel that if you hadnt met your wife you would have gotten back with you ex. They are blaming you wife for something she is entirely innocent of, so no I dont blame her for not liking your family. No sane person would when they are being unfaily treated and accused of awful things, like adultery. I would be LIVID if someone accused me of that, as in my eyes that is a serious accusation.

So I guess the question is: what do you want to happen? I mean realistically?

You arent clear really about the purpose of your post. Are you venting or asking for advice on how to heal this rift or what to do (or all three)?

In my own situation my DH and I went to couples counselling. Many churches offer this for free, so think about that. Our therapist asked my DH how long he expected me to endure his families abuse, because his attempts at getting THEM to see reason was an epic fail. In fact they just escalated their behaviour towards me. As ultimately I was being reasonable. Granted I was angry with them, disliked them but I had tried in the face of hate.

My DH eventually made a stand. It was painful for him ofcourse but he cut his parents out for over a year, as well as my SIL. Eventually my MIL apologised after I extended the hand of friendship for my husbands sake (he didnt ask me) and now my PIL and I get along. We still dont speak to my SIL, as she continues to think her behaviour is acceptable.

Now not saying this would happen for you, but you have to find a way to manage this situation as what you are doing currently sounds like it isnt working.

As for your DD, all you can do is ensure you put her right about any negative things your family are saying about you and your wife. Include her in fun things with YOUR family and plan some nice things for the summer.

cmw's picture

yes most of that is true, but

yes most of that is true, but I do not go to the church that me and my ex attended.

I meant that my parents and my ex attend the same church.

me and my current wife go elsewhere. I didnt really turn my back on the christian lifestyle, I just chose to not be miserable anymore

cmw's picture

wow good good points

wow
good good points

cmw's picture

yea, after 3 paragraphs i

yea, after 3 paragraphs i felt like she must be a psychologist

herewegoagain's picture

A couple of issues with this

A couple of issues with this scenario.

1st you state that your parents and your wife don't get along...it is as if you are saying "you have nothing to do with it, it is they who don't get along." Guess what? The fact is that it is in a way up to YOU to set those boundaries with your parents. If you have boundaries with your parents, this would not be happening. I have been reading a book about Emotional Incest and I can't tell you how much I have seen in my own life, my husband's life and what it has caused our family. Here are some things on boundaries in the book. And these are up to YOU to do, not your wife...You should be telling your parents this...

My Business
My finances
My sex life
How I spend my time
Whom I choose as friends
Whom I choose to marry
Whom I date
What goes on between me and my friends
Maintenance of my home
My choice of career
What goes on between me and a relative

My Family's Business
My general health
How I can be reached
Major life changes
Health of mutual friends
Death of mutual friends
Health of family members
Death of family members
Whatever information or activities "I" choose to share with them

Guess what? I don't think YOU have set any of those boundaries with your parents. Instead, you are allowing your wife to be abused by your parents because you can't set up boundaries with your parents. I know, my DH did this for years. It wasn't until he did many of these things that it somewhat stopped. But still, they try. So we stay away. No, it's not I stay away, it is WE stay away. If your parents cannot respect your wife and your life, you MUST stay away.

2nd on the whole Christian issue that your parents have, that is their right. Unfortunately, I have to say I get pretty sick of people using "Christinity" as a cop-out to mistreat others. Imagine if a man beat his wife. Would it be acceptable because the bible says so? No. Even though the bible says that women should "respect" the man, blah, blah, blah...Heck, it's not even acceptable to YOU to be miserable the rest of your life and not divorce, but somehow, it seems acceptable for your parents to hide behind their "Christianity" to abuse your wife, call her names, treat her with disrespect...You need to step up.

3rd once YOU set up boundaries with your parents, if your parents abuse your wife directly, she has EVERY RIGHT TO TELL THEM TO F#$%#$%ck off. And it is up to you to stand beside HER and let your parents know. "I told you the rules, you did not respect them. Sorry, but I will stand by my wife."

Good luck. Again, these situations are not easy, but it is up to YOU first to do something about it.

PS - I am rather in awe that you say that "you did not expect your parents to attend your wedding". Guess what? That was issue #1. Why? Because although I can see that you might say "I knew they would be ticked off and NOT want to come to our wedding", saying what you said and continuing to talk to them means that "you allowed them to NOT RESPECT your marriage from day one and yet continued to speak to them as if they had done nothing wrong."

whatsup

cmw's picture

i see what you are saying i

i see what you are saying
i cut off communications with my fam for six months last year..
but the longing to have a supportive family one day brought me back to where we are

ybarra357's picture

"Neither side has ever

"Neither side has ever sincerely attempted to make ammends or call a truce."

That would be mighty difficulty in light of your below statement:

"and they do not consider my wife to be my kids' stepmom, just some "whore" I'm with for sex" Who would want to deal with that shit? I surely wouldn't. These bible thumpin', sanctimonious types are incredibly hypocritical.

That's no moon, it's a space station!

Ommy's picture

This is not your wife's

This is not your wife's doing, this is you being submissive to your parents. Stand up and be a man. Tell them that she is your wife. That your previous marriage has ended and that you deserve to be happy. If they do not show respect for her then they can not be apart of you new life. You have to make the choice to change things; they treat your wife like dirt because you let them. If they want to see you or your kids your wife is part of the deal and she deserves respect.

Ommy's picture

Do you really have to post on

Do you really have to post on a blog 4 or 5 times with different advice? And why do you only do this on a mans blog/topic?

herewegoagain's picture

"infrequent solo visits" are

"infrequent solo visits" are really "it's ok for you to disrespect my wife, it's ok for you to treat her like crap, it's ok that you don't consider her my wife, it's all ok...cause mommy and daddy, YOU come first". If you do that instead, you are the ONLY one to blame in this situation if your marriage ends. You are ALLOWING their disrespect.

whatsup

cmw's picture

im reading a lot of good

im reading a lot of good stuff here.. thought provoking things..

the advice im ultimately asking for is this..
ive cut off ties with my family over this issue once for several months..
but the feeling to have a loving supportive family never left. The hope of peace and love prevails.
I do not think it will ever happen and i feel the fool for holing on to that.
I have stood up to them several times.. even lost it on one ocassion.
Ive been told to just let it go and remove them from my life... but how do you do that when all of this is going on outside of my house with my kid?

Ommy's picture

If you have First Right of

If you have First Right of Refusal then BM cant just pass the kids off on a weekend babysitter all the time.

Or have you talked to her? Is she decent? could you say look there is a lot of family issues going on and I do not want my daughter around my parents unsupervised by me.

cmw's picture

i know about the first rights

i know about the first rights rule... and ive attempted to use them to no avail. I dont know about other states but the Texas divorce and child custody court rulings here are a joke. all they care about, ALLL they care about, is if the man is paying his child support. thats all
and no she is not decent. were she decent (and im not even saying above average here) then i may not have given up everything i had just to get away from her. true story

cmw's picture

my wife watches me beat

my wife watches me beat myself up over this situation... in constant turmoil over how this could even be happening.
she tried to help, but any attempt was met with temporary indifference.
as we speak another fight just broke out and another period of "not speaking to each other" just got put into place.

my parents tell me i am blind for not seeing how awful my wife is. how she is the problem.
i tell them they are blind for not seeing what they are doing.
so all arguments are basically a waste of time.. no one listens and no one bends

cmw's picture

lol, yes i did.. he responded

lol, yes i did..
he responded by sharing our conversation with everyone in the church

another true story

Unfreakingreal's picture

So sorry to hear this. My DH

So sorry to hear this. My DH is in the EXACT same position. He just spoke to his mom for the FIRST time in 19 months on Mothers Day. Same scenario. They hate me. Especially his sister. For no particular reason either. I think I'm better than them. We bought a house so we think we're better than them. I give advice to the nieces & nephews about their pot smoking on FB and I'm being judgmental, I think my shit don't stink. Blah, blah, blah. When I met DH, his family RIPPED BM apart to me. They said the nastiest things about her. NOW? She's Mother Teresa. She is up their asses 24/7. Gets invited to ALL family functions and we are excluded. My SD is always at their house. She hears all the horrific things they say about me and DH. I do exactly as someone here suggested, I counter attack EVERYTHING. I don't care how adult the topic is, I give SD a FULL account of the TRUTH. She is then able to assess what she chooses to believe. My DH lasted 19 months without calling his mom. I was afraid that because she's so old that the witch would pass and he'd blame me for not being on speaking terms with her, so he finally buckled and called her for Mothers Day. I do not believe I will EVER accept those people anywhere near me. They are beyond disgusting and the fact that they would treat my DH like that pisses me the fuck off. They don't deserve him. DNA does NOT constitute family. Family is those who stick by you, love you no matter what, treat you with respect and dignity. Remember that. I would NOT do solo visits, that is basically saying it's OK they treat your wife like shit and that should NEVER be acceptable.

cmw's picture

no no, i would never go that

no no, i would never go that route.
solo visits r out of the question