She's back...
Well, after making the statement that she was never going to speak to her father again, my boyfriend's stepdaughter, without advanced notice, showed up on Friday night because her mother and her had yet another blow out and we have had her at the house ever since. I have been very distant and let her know that I didn't appreciate the way that the only time we get to see her is when she is arguing and fighting with her mother, I can't stand the way she plays the game of going from mother's to father's when she doesn't get her way and that I don't like the way she disrespects her father and takes me for granted. Of course, she denied it all and so far, every day she has conflict and chaos, needing rides to work, calling before her shift was supposed to end, having her boyfriend come over and ordering pizza and now she has final exams (hasn't opened a book all year and has to go to summer school, but wants to leave 3½ hours early for a review class - I suspect she wants to meet her boyfriend at school and hang out with him before the exam) and tomorrow night (school night/exam the next morning) she wants to go to the movies and dinner with her boyfriend (she is only 15 and her mom doesn't want her in her boyfriend's company alone). On top of it all, she was supposed to attend a "counseling" session with her mother yesterday but "she didn't feel like it", so she didn't go. I tried to explain to my boyfriend that by letting her come over and have her way and letting her not deal with the problems with her mother, he is only fueling her behavior...I'm trying to stay calm, but I can't stand the way she treats everyone when she is around. Furthermore, when the biomom can't handle her out of control behavior, she pawns her off when it is convenient for her. I'm tired of the game and have no respect for her mother - her daughter acts the way she does because the mother lets her and her father doesn't like to tell her no because he only sees her when her mother and her are fighting!
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The doors shouldn't be revolving...
That's really not fair to anyone! Your SD will learn to run away from her problems/conflicts rather than to resolve them...and learn how to manipulate people/situations so that she can do what she wants.
My BF was afraid to say boo to his daughter too when she lived with us for that year (age 18/19)....didn't want her to leave, be mad at him. etc.. She is a taker(like her mom)...my BF is a giver..it didn't take long to get on my nerves..
If SD is in counseling...that's important ..she shouldn't be able to just blow that off cause she feels like it!!
Dad has to step-up...be a parent not her buddy..at the end of the teen years..she will respect him for it.
Is it possible that you (or BF) work together with Bio-mom..to lay down some parenting ground rules..some consistency between houses before things get too out of hand with your SD..there's a few more years of this stage to go!!! It would so be to her benefit..and would make your lives a little easier too..
My salvation came when SD moved out.......
Thanks
I wholeheartedly agree with you that the doors should not be revolving. The biomom made a big stink about her running to our house when they are fighting, but yet she brings her over and dumps her off when she is so out of control she can't deal with her anymore. So, until someone (and I believe it has to be the biomom), puts her foot down and doesn't let her run away when her mom tries to punish/discipline/or set simple rules and makes her suffer consequences and deal with it without running away, it never will be resolved.
The mother has been taking the daughter to counseling, but not a great one. My boyfriend went to one session with his daughter and the counselor really didn't interject much. It was more or less a gripe sesssion about everything the daughter doesn't have or get from her father and when he tried to raise the behavior problems, the stepdaughter denied it and the counselor didn't pursue it. So, I'm not really sure if counseling is helping the biomom and daughter, but evidently not, due to the daughter "leaving her mother" and coming to dad's and trying to run the show here. Unfortunately for her, I won't tolerate much and her time with manipulation will be short-lived if I can help it. My boyfriend feels guilty because he only sees his daughter infrequently (this is the first time in 6 months), so he has a tough time trying to control her when she has been so out of control at her own home.
My boyfriend and I also tried to work with the biomom and I am the one who suggested counseling, but the biomom is trying to win the popularity contest with the daughter and gives in to whatever the daughter wants when there is a conflict in order not to "lose her to her father". The daughter really knows how to work both parents to get what she wants. The biomom and boyfriend will never see eye to eye because when my boyfriend tries to set limits, the biomom overrides the rules and gives in... My boyfriend refuses to try and work with the biomom because he looks like a jerk when he can't even discipline his daughter - she says - mom's the boss, not you...
You need to get to the
You need to get to the bottom of SD problem as to why she disobeys you all. Her problem could be the factor. Is it the separation of her parents that still bothers her or other problem? Sit her down and talk to her nicely and see if she can get it out in the open. Maybe not in the house but take her out just you and her. Tell her what bothers her and tell her that you don't like it when she comes only when she gets into it w/her mother. I think her reaction is based on her deeper problem. Until you figure out what's wrong w/her, setting boundaries will not be effective. Hope that helps.
Thanks
I have tried to get to the bottom of the problem with the daughter. We used to discuss things and were quite close. Since time has passed and the daughter continues to do her manipulation tactics with both parents and I have called her to the carpet, she doesn't open up to me because she knows I have her game figured out. I have lost the drive to try and help her because she doesn't want help, she only wants to run the show. I believe that after 11 years of her parents not being together, it is time for her to accept the fact that they never will be together - they can't even agree on simple parenting issues. I have told her what I don't like, that I won't tolerate her disrepect in my house and that she needs to grow up and take responsibility for her actions when she does something that requires punishment and she needs to stop manipulating people into what she wants. I will continue to try, but I feel she needs to show some kind of effort before I invest much more. I have two children of my own, one who lives with my boyfriend and I and we do not tolerate any disrespect from her and she abides by the rules, so I feel when the boyfriend's daughter is here, she should abide by the same rules.
smcpaw...
Sometimes the children's bad behavior stems from a parent or parents. Maybe she didn't have a good foundation w/biomom to start with and no guidance. Children get out of control when they don't have discipline from the start. Just know that you are doing your best to support her as a friend and be there for her and let her know that. If you've done everything possible, you can't do much after that. Hang in there, hopefully she'll come around. It's sad to hear that about children who are so rebellious and in their own world.
Thanks
For your advice. I did sit her down last night and we had a long discussion - I said what needed to be said, she is in denial, but listened and of course denied being wrong. I told her that someone had to stop her manipulating all that love her and she can't keep running away every time she doesn't get her way. She cried and carried on and then went to her room for the night. I emailed the biomom to tell her what was happening and learned that she tried to get her grandmother to come and rescue her, but the grandmother declined. As much as I can't stand dealing with the biomom, someone needs to step up to the plate and straighten the mess out and for the meantime, the biomom is staying away. What happens remains to be seen. My boyfriend's daughter will never learn if people keep giving in to her lies, manipulation and phony tears.
smcpaw...
Good to hear you sat her down and informed biomom about it. I hope her cry was a good one, maybe she is realizing that you all are there for her and love her and realize that her behavior was out of control. Just act normal for now, when you see her greet her nicely and ask her how's her day. Try and invite her to go out with you and do something she likes to do. Be a friend to her so she knows you really care about her, she'll come around, it takes time. Sometimes children like the attention, like take her out w/you and do fun stuff. Keep your rules around the house and let her know of it if she steps out of line. So, maintain the friendship relationship and set rules, talk calmly and always talk face to face and not yell at each other. Hoping for the best for you.
Don't let the kids divide & conquer the adults..
..I was brought on the scene when my SD was 15. My kids were much younger...I had no clue how to deal with a teenager.. she could rationalize like an adult..at times..yet could be very immature & self absorbed like a young child..on the other..very frustratiing!!
But Iam very close to my daughter and as she grows into a teen...I can understand some of the emotions/thinking processes behind her actions. She is beginning to test her boundaries! It's normal for her developmental stage to do so. In non-divorced families teens often try to play one parent off against the other....usually the parents are a team and work together to steer the kids through this difficult stage. Divorced parents are at such a disadvatage..when they can't work together!!
She has had issues with her Dad..that were building over the last yr or 2... they blew up in Feb...she no longer wanted to go..for her every other weekend visit. (She was waiting for an apology..and absolutely deserved one....and he absolutley refused to apologise to a 12 yr old) Aside from dragging her out of the house kicking & screaming...how do I force her to spend time with him.... I thought things would blow over in a short period of time..and dispite e-mails to him & discussion with her....they didn't. It got to the point where she e-mailed him that she wanted to change her name.. he flipped..called me at work...we met for lunch to discuss things. I felt that he was wrong, her feelings were very very hurt..and every day, week, month that went by that he didn't apologise.. damaged his relationship with her that much more. Told him that winning his "pissing match" was not worth ruining his relationship.. it had gone on long enough!
Just say the words.. get back to spending time together..build the relationship.. So he finally did!!! She still doesn't want to go with him....but I've now made..her! It's one thing if she doesn't want to go becasue she's being treated unfairly ..but he apologised...which is what she was holding out for..other than that ..tough!!
I learned a lesson in all that...
Although I think my X is often more immature than the kids...he is still thier parent and as such has the right to see his children and be given an opportunity to work out thier issues....just as I have by residing in the some house with them...
Dispite what I think of my X.....that's not fair...I wouldn't like it done to me....
I've reasoned with her, explained that he has, rights, even if she doens't want to go..tough it out..it's only 4 days a month, he's not perfect, you may not agree with him, he's inconsistant, you still need to spend time together, work out your issues..and also have fun together..
There is so much danger out there... for kids to run free...without consitant guidelines, boundaries, etc..it scares me... that fear helpshelps me balance the hostility I have toward ex..for the benfit of the kids.
If bio-mom is at the point that she can't deal with SD alot of the time..maybe she's ready to try a new parenting plan... I know it's hard to co-operate with people that have burnt you before..but if you guys don't.. the problem with SD running back & forth & playing games will only get worse...
hang in there...
I'm sitting here thinking..
I'm sitting here thinking.. my BF talked the tough talk about SD's chores, discipline, Bio-mom's just trying to be her buddy, she needs to be her parent, etc., when SD didn't live with us......
What happened after she moved in was such a shock to me! He retreated with his tail between his legs...soooooo happy to have her in his life...yet so afraid of loosing her to psycho mom's poison..again..
Your situation sounds soooooo familiar......right down to no problem enforcing the rules for the permanent kids in the household...but not for SD.
Hang in there...
I feel your frustration..
I'm routing for you guys....
lovin-life
I deal with the semi same thing. My BF gets so made at her, but when she says something about the child he retreats so he will not have to deal with his PSYCHO mother that uses gilt aginst him.