'I can't see what your problem is'
Hey everyone, first time posting and I'm afraid I've come to vent!!
Bit of background, I've been with my husband 6 1/2 years and between us we have 4 young adults
Both of us split with our exes years ago when the kids were much younger
My kids both live away from home, they work hard and have a good social life, including coming to see us and they both get on well with their stepdad. My stepkids are the opposite, the 22 year old has never done a days work and his 20 year old will randomly stop acknowleging my existance for a month or two at a time. It's a power play, if my husband says anything they will just stop all contact. They live about a mile away with their mum and we have always tried to be welcoming of them to our home (a thankless task as they are sullen and rude and do not engage in conversation at all)
So the latest thing was that his daughter was using our kitchen to bake while we were both out at work. I wasn't particularly keen on this but it was put on me in a 'you'd be fine if it was your kids' kind of way. When I got home the front door was wide open, no one around. As I walked to my house his ex-wife came out, went back in and then scurried past me saying hello and sorry! Now this is a woman who has barely spoken 10 words to me in the whole time I have been in her kids lives, taken them on holiday, dropped them home etc.
His daughter then comes out and says hello, thank you and gets in her mum's car and they go
She then sends me a text saying sorry if it was awkward and she sends her dad a text saying they had just left and that I had seen her mum helping her carry from 'the front door to the car' - she actually took the time to type out a lie, both about her mum being in my house and the fact they were both empty handed and not loading the car at all!
My husband thinks I am overreacting and will not see that anyone but me is in the wrong here - he even said, what if she was just using the loo? Go home and use your own lady! She has never so much as acknowledged we're married but now she can come into my house when I'm not there and have a look around?!!
I'm fuming but I know, as we all do, that it will get me nowhere. So thank you for hearing me...I'm sure someone out there will know how I feel x
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Ex wife in your home.. uh..
Ex wife in your home.. uh.. NO..
I would not back down on that one. I would clearly tell your husband that while you don't necessarily have a huge issue with his adult daughter visiting your home, you DO have a problem with her being their alone and bringing her mother with her.
If mom was around, why not use HER kitchen in the home not far away?
I would also tell him that his daughter's story is not entirely truthful because you literally saw his EX in the home and she and the daughter were emptyhanded coming out. So, the story that he was told was a lie. If it really was a case of "gee.. mom had to use the bathroom badly dad.. I know you probably wouldn't have liked that she came in... but it was an emergency".. why not say THAT vs coming up with "stories" about some other way they want it to be spun when you saw them with your own eyes.
They live about a mile away
That's the problem
They think y'all are like neighbors so why not come in and borrow some brown sugar
I always informed the Disneyland dad I dealt with that his kids be lying .... and he knew his kids lied
Those kids weren't about to lie on me and create serious false allegations that affect my livelihood
Call out every single one of their lies with irrefutable evidence .... nip it in the bud or they will keep lying even stoop low to lie on you!
Mature response = "Look here Betty and Betty Jr when I said y'all were welcome in our home that was referring to invitation only - Bob and I do not allow people over when we're not home. Please respect that or law enforcement will be called and we will press charges for trespassing"
Petty response = Set up some motion activated gun shot audio or rabid dog audio near the entryways. Leave some d!Ldos, whips n chains, nud3 blow up dolls, and seggs swings out in the open. Bet they won't dare have the audacity to traipse into your home uninvited again
*change the locks and/demand adult skids return the house key since they show they cannot be trusted with said house key
I recommend the escalating misery model. Much like you outlined.
I got the largest dog I could find
BM hates dogs. I love them.
It would be a hill to died on
Change the locks SD. has no access to your home. Letting BM into your home is a big NO. No is a sentence. DH Not understanding this is a major problem for you. Time to make DH do re decorating now. He has to paint the inside of the house and buy new furniture.
I feel heard, thank you
Thank you all, it's so good to be heard and understood!
I just can't get over how easily the narrative is changed to make it my problem and no one elses
I know that he knows they're lies, he just doesn't want the ensuing sh*tshow, but sometimes I think that storm just has to break..
Keys have been returned and I'm never having a repeat!
The narrative only changes if
The narrative only changes if you force it. He needs to learn that the shit storm you bring down on him will be far more painful that the the light stinky breeze that his failed family baggage wafts through your lives.
Escalation and delivery of abject misery drives behavioral change. It works with toxic Skids, toxic Xs, and sadly when necessary it works with a dim life partner.
How naive can a guy be? She
How naive can a guy be? She was there to snoop and that's why both of them were so flustered when they saw you.
Thank you!
Thank you!
None of the kids have got keys - we moved here last year and decided not to go down that road so it is across the board on that
My husband dropped the key to her the day before for this favour
Going forward I have explained that my feelings need to come first in my house
I think he was quite surprised by my reaction as I am always trying to make sure ours is a welcoming home for his kids to visit but I won't be made to feel like an intruder in my own home again!
I would be telling him.
I would be telling him.
"of course your kids are welcome in our home.. just as my kids are but at this point, I think it's best if visits happen when we are home. If we need to make exceptions to that, we can discuss individual circumstances.. but having your exwife in my home was not what I wanted to come home to and your daughter should have used better judgement"
Re-key the locks. NOW!
He violated the decision that the kids would not have keys. He gave her his. Do not risk that she copied it.
Re-establish the sanctity of your home.
DH is not the sharpest tool in the shed is he?
What happened was a HUGE nope
What happened was a HUGE nope.
Oh Hell No. BM in your house
Oh Hell No. BM in your house is a hill to die on. It's bad enough these b!tches are always skulking in the background of our lives. They don't get to skulk around in our HOMES. If your DH won't back you up you may have to deal with SD and/or BM directly.
Oh hell no! Don't fume. Go full flame on his idiot ass.
Time to play the nuclear option. Re-key the locks and make sure that no one but you and DH have a key. Better yet, get a bio-lock that reads finger prints and only you can register users. And.... Web cams with a full security system that trackes any entry, exit, etc.... That way you do not have to have the idiot parent of toxic spawn fights with your DH over his failed family baggage. Web cams with a large storage drive and you can give daddy clarity that even his delusional pea sized brain can recognize.
When he plays the "you wouldn't care if it was your kids" bullshit you need to immediatley jerk an knot in his tail with "my kids would not welcome my X into the house".
As for his XW "using the loo", that is one of the ultimate violations of the sanctity of your home. Who wants his XW's stanky ass on their toilet and her washing her nasty flea picking monkey paws in your sink and drying them on your towels? Toss your toothbrush and get a new one. These types tend to do juvenile evil crap. Err on the side of caution for sure.
As for "just helping to carry out the baked goods"...my ass! XW/BM was casing your home and she and her rancid crotch product were up to no good. I have no doubt.
That your DH is without clarity or a single functioning brain cell on reality regarding his failed family baggage is beyond infuriating I am sure.
Take care of you.
Just my thoughts of course.
"Using the loo." I don't care
"Using the loo." I don't care if she has the most explosive diarrhea in the history of the runs, she needs to dump it somewhere else! Like that makes it ok?!
Exactly!
If she lives less than a mile away she can hold it...you know darn well she snooped and made copies of your keys. If your DH is anything like Chef, he will do the "BM wouldn't do thaaaaaat... you're just paranoid." Or worse yet: "You're just jealous!" Been there burned the T-shirt.
Got it in one..
It became about me overreacting, not him not reacting!
Most importantly..... Welcome!
I hope that you find this to be a good place to vent, contribute, and to pick up some useful advice and perspective from others who are living the dream of the blended family adventure.
Take care of you.
Your SD Disrespect you
By letting BM in your home. And lie to you and DH. ADD ring cambers on all doors. To see who is coming into your home . Don't let your SO bull $hit you about you are not normal to care about BM in your home. Again make sure to change that lock SD could of made a copy of the key .
'You have to make DH Understand how violated you are having BM in your home. I would be trowing a fit over this.
Glad you established and enforced boundaries
Welcome to steptalk.
Yes, thats a huge boundary violation. You dont invite strangers in (to you BM is a stranger) when you are a GUEST in someones home.
Yeah, gaslighting you with "its a YOU problem"...nope nope nope.
BM doesn't even ring the
BM doesn't even ring the doorbell when she picks up SD14. She waits in her car on the curb and texts that she is here. Like she should! No need for her to be on our property.
Oh but these guilty daddys
Want to ride the backs of two horses. They will please whoever is the bitchiest unfortunately. They subscribe to the "One big happy family" (TM) model. Peace and Tranquility for all except SM, who is expendable.
Yep, the squeeky wheel gets
Yep, the squeeky wheel gets the grease.
Unless it can be addressed before it squeeks. Fortunately there are best practices that when applied effectively can keep the wheels from squeeking at all. One is not tolerating bullshit that are not true squeeks. The attention seaking noise not only should be ignored, it should be met with instantly painful consequence bearing response.
The noise from the new mate should never happen if the partners are a team who prioritize each other and their marriage above all else, make the minor children in the mix the top responsibility, and keep absolute clarity that Xs who are shit do not matter, there is very little noise to address inside of that equity life partnership. The Xs can F-off, the kids only have one option, to get in line and comply with standards of behavior and standards of performance, and the partners can live their best lives together.
Setting and evolving the standards move the whole structure to predicting the bullshit and not letting it happen. This means constantly monitoring the X's behaviors, the kid's behaviors, and working the preventative resolutions when a squeek occurs.
With this model, the squeeks are killed before they start or at worst, instantly upon making themselves known.
Destroying the bullshit instantly prevents it from promulgating. Addressing the actual sqeeks instantly keeps the couple from wasting their bliss on distractions from living well together.
And this is a short discourse on reactive Vs preventative Vs predictive resolutions. Success is implementing and evolving all of them to maximize results. Continual performance optimization practices adapted to people performance work just as effectively as their equipment focused counterparts. Basically, what is measured and monitored continually, continually improves. It does reduce the human element and some of the humanity from the mix but the results for those of quality and for the kids are uncontestable. The biggest impact to the performance of any system is human behavior. Even in physical equipment systems. People are the variable. Equipment does what it is designed to do unless people fail to do what they need to do for the physical system to perform.
I know, very engineeric of me.
"They will please whoever is
"They will please whoever is the bitchiest unfortunately."
It sucks but it's true. The only way to deal with a guy who caters to his BM out of fear is to make him fear you more. And that's a stressful thing to have to keep up.
The fear is from the adult step kids
and sadly he sees the light more each time he sees them. They genuinely do not give a rats arse about him. All the effort comes from him. As realisation has dawned he has made decisions that put us as a couple first which is why this threw me so completely. I just couldn't understand how he couldn't see it from my point of view