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OMG! I have found my people!

NurseLiLi's picture

It is so wonderful to find others who have step kids and no bio kids!!!!.  None of my friends or family is or has been in the same sitution, so I feel like no one understands what I am going through. I could write about 19 pages worth of drama and vent for another 50 pages, but at this time I'm just gonna say hi ya'll!

Cover1W's picture

Great! Welcome! It is a different dynamic gor sure if you don't have kids and especially if you never wanted them yourself! 

Boundaries are your friend!

StrawberryPie's picture

Welcome!  And vent away.  Sometimes I feel like I'm in a lifetime movie.  I totally get how you could write 50 pages!

ESMOD's picture

I'm in your shoes too.  I'm 53.. and never had kids of my own.  Have been with my DH for 16 years.. since his girls were 5 and 9.  They are both adults now and live independently on their own.  I have a decent relationship with the older (much rockier with her along the way).. and I am very close to his younger daughter (we still go on vacations with her..and she calls to chat with me all the time).

If you need any advice or need a perspective of someone who has lived it for a while.. let me know

 

Rags's picture

Hello. And welcome.

I hope that you find this to be a good place to vent, contribute and to pick up some useful advice and perspective from others who are living the blended family dream.

Sparenting is the toughest job most people will ever experience.  Doing it without BKs of our own is probably easier than trying to blend the yours, mine and possibly ours situation but.... as non breeding SParents we also are rarely given any credibility by breeders because from the perspective of many of them anyone without BioKids can't possibly know what it is to be a parent.

As an equity life partner with your SO you are also an equity parent to any children in your marriage regardless of kid biology. 

Don't ever forget that.

 

TX2step's picture

Welcome to ST. I also have 2 SDs. I find peace through my work. My personal life, not so much. Feels like I'm stuck in a swamp. Evil, evil, SDs, and a Disney dad. 

CLove's picture

Welcome! This board was a life-changer. I learned much about the Step-life and was welcomed into this community  - hope to see more postings but they happen when you are ready, or ready to tear your hair out.

I wanted kids, but am unable to concieve, and sometimes the special irony that comes with steparenting children whose bio parents could care less will drive you insane. I am learning how to have disengagement happen in an ever-changing landscape.

So welcome!

NurseLiLi's picture

I am not quite hip with the abbreviations so I will do my best. Met DH 6 years ago. SD1 was 16 and SD2 was 12.  At first I got along great with SD2. SD1, not so much. SD1 would yell and curse at DH because they had "open communication." I called a big BS on that because you can have open communication and still be respectful. When I met DH he was between places so girls were stating with his parents to stay in the school system. DH was there every night and made sure they had everything they needed. BM lost custody of SD1 when she was 10 b/c the BM bit SD1 in the face. And she worked at a preschool at that time. Anywho...BM not very involved, just enough for kids to play parents against each other. DH and I moved in about 7 mos after we met. Due to both SD behavior, DH's parents no longer wanted either of them there. SD2 is extremely rude and tells everyone off and somehow always gets away with it (like her teachers?!?!). Many arguements ensued before we moved in b/c I could not deal with the girl's behavior. When they were getting what they wanted everything was fine. When they weren't it was an atomic explosion!!!

When we moved in the girls moved in a few week after. This is when I realized how very wrong things really were. SD1 got upset because of getting soap in her eye in the shower. Went upstairs to her bedroom and proceeded to scream at the top of her lungs like she was being hurt. After a few minutes of this I asked DH to go upstairs and calm her down and close the windows so the neighbors wouldn't call the cops. He goes up there the next thing I know there is furniture flying. I run upstairs and step into the doorway as SD takes a drawer from her dresser and throws it across the room. We had just bought this house and she was putting holes in the wall. I have never been in a situation like this before. I told her she needed to calm down and take a few deep breatha. She cussed me out and threw another drawer at me. I told DH that she needed to leave NOW. I will not tolerate someone threatening bodily harm to me. She leaves and goes over to BM house. Since I "kicked her out" she moves in with her Mom. Why the fuck was she not with her BM in the first place rather than at her grandparents house? After I came into the picture BM became uber involved. Shortly after SD1 convinced SD2 to move in with tgeir Mom too. Here we are, stuck with a 4br house sonthe girls could stay in the same school system and they move out.

BM is nuts. Plain and simple. Very codependent and always plays the victim. She cant be by herself and its unfair that she is alone and the girls need to be with her b/c DH has me. The girls bounce back and forth. Whenever they get in trouble with thier mom they come to our house. Whenever we asked them to do anything they would go to their Moms. BM is impossible to co-parent with b/c she always wants to swoop in and be the good guy and "save the girls."

Eventually girls moved in full time with BM after I put my foot down about them bouncing back and forth. One day when SD2 was living with us and SD1 was with BM, SD2 was acting out and got her phone taken away. SD2 was supposed to come straight home after school. I get home from work and no SD. I call SD1 and she says SD2 is with her. I told SD1 that I had asked SD1 not to go anywhere and please bring her home. SD1 said no, SD2 was supposed to help at BMs house. I said that SD2 was not supposed to be out and I did not appreciate her leaving the house w/o notice to her Dad or I. SD2 said she didnt have a phone so how was she suppose  to call (yet she was with her sister who had a phone). 

DH is wondeful and SD2 did not come to the wedding because she made it clear that she had every intention of ruining the wedding. I didnt even talk to her for 6 mos, things got so bad. 

SD2 started skipping school to meet up with guys. When confronted she threatened to kill herself. She ODed on ibuprofen and we had to take her to the ER. While checking in, she said "I'm fine. I just wanted to know you cared. We can leave now." I got both the girls into therapy but BM interfered too much for it to be effective. SD2 at 15 decided she was going to leave at 1130 on a saturday night to meet up with her BF. We daid no and she tried to run out of the house. DH stepped in front of her and she pushed and shoved him until she bounced off of him then claimed he hit her. I saw the whole thing and was shocked  when she made that accusation. She then snuck out about an hour later. DH weny after her and tried to get her into the car (its about midnight in the middle of winter) and she screams bloody murder. DH gets back into xar and waits because police were called (guy trying  to shove screaming girl into car at mindinght). Cops come, drama ensues and SD1 vones to the rescue. SD2 spends a few weeks with BM then gets kicked out and is back with us again. I asked her to clean her room and she starts throwing stuff and breaks a mirror. DH goes upstairs and SD2 tried to lock herself in the bathroom with a razor. DH and I block  door so she can't close it and she tries to climb out window (on the 2nd story of the house). She comes out of the bathroom and starts throwing stuff and picks up a broken piece of the mirror. At this point I dont know if she is going to hurt herself or her Dad. I call the cops and she is forcibly removed from the house after yelling at and hitting the cops. They yake her to the hospital instead of jail. We tried to get her help while she was an inpatient but her Mom would just interfer and tey to change therapists and doctora when they told SD2 something she didnt want to hear. Finally SD2 moved in with Mom permanently. Each time SD2 and BM fought, BM would try to droo her off on our doorstep. DH put his foot down and said they needed to work it out. SD1 would call DH and be verbally abusive. Finally, DH started setting boundaries and telling her he would not talk to her while she wad screaming and cursing at him.

 

SD1 ended up getting kicked out of BM so came back to our house. Her BF moved in with some sob story about how he was abused at home. After living  there  almost a year and was 18 and graduated for a few months, BF did not have a job. We helped get  him a car to get around. Found out he wad selling drugs out of our house. Got into huge fight and SD1 moved back in with BM and BF moved back with his parents. 

SD1 is so ungrateful. She got a beater car at 17 and a nicer car for graduation. I took out a loan and put her name on the car and loan to help her build up credit. BM was horrified that I would "take advantage" of SD1 like that. Wtf?!?

 

Since SD2 was living with BM, DH spent over a year in court spending $7k+ on lawyer, while BM would kick SD2 out about once a month and drop her off on our door step with suitcases, then call the cops saying we wouldnt let SD2 leave the house  (I shit you not)! I

Fast forward...tenous relationship with SD1 who lives with BM but is mostly at het new BFs and just graduated from college. SD2 was living woth BM who was getting $866/mo in child support from DH. BM wasnt buying anything for SD2. We bought her a car for HS graduation and helped her with her 1st year of college while continuing to pay BM. Bm couldn't afford to help SD2, even though we were handing over buckets of money.

So things moved on. Slowly repaired relationship with SD2. She had always wanted to go to Mexico and we took a girls trip together in May. Things were going really well and we were getting along good. 

 

NurseLiLi's picture

BM said she was too poor to help SD2 with school as she wanted to go away so we paid for first year with help of city scholarship that paid tuition and pell grant. Also gave her spending money and gas money. SD2 ran out of gas and BM said if she drove home (3hr round trip) she would fill up her gas tank. SD2 calls me and I move some money over into the joint account I have with for while she is in school. Tell her she needs to get a job. I should mention that this girls is LAZY beyond belief. It astounds me the length she will go though to not move or do something. She said she couldnt find a job because she wasnt 18 yet (yes 17yo freshman in college). So we helped her out with groceries and gas $ and a but of spending money. Had to move out on a Thursday so I took the day off of work to help her move her stuff. SD1 and SD2 took a detour so I ended up emptying the car out by myself. SD2 came home and complained becaus3 DH wouldnt carry things in from her car (this was early May and everything is still in her car 1 1/2 months later...lazy! So FAFSA comes through for 2019-2020 school year and no pell grant b/c BM made too much money (over $50k a year...not counting child support). So sit down on Saturday to discuss school. We tell SD2 she will need to take out a school loan. You would have thought we beat her over the head, killed her cat, and forced her out onto the street to prostitute herself. Crying yelling screaming say her "rich" parent planned on getting  into an arguement with so to get out of paying  for her school. We said if she took out a loan (which would pay half of what was owed) we would cover the other $6k. She cussed and fought to the point that I kicked her out of the house. Since then she has been texting DH horrible things about me and making crazy accusations. All I can say is that if we didnt want to pay for her college, we would have said no, not concocted some crazy plan like she thinks. On Monday night SD1 and SD2 come over at 830PM to get SD2 stuff. Things quickly unravel and I tell SD2 she cannot come back in if she is going to scream and curse at me and slam doors. I got so mad I said Fuck You (name) and flipped her off. And IT FELT GREAT! If they are going to continously accuse me of bad behaviour, i finally decided to get some benefit out of it. SD1 is upstairs and is screaming that I am abusive to DH and manipulative. I dont have shit on these two in the manipulation dept. SD2 is upstairs being verbally vile and DH tells her to get out too. SD1 wont come downstairs because she diaf she was  afraid of me. What a fucking joke. This girl has screamed in my face "hit me you fucking ugly fat bitch, you know you want to. Hit me" and I was  horrified. I have never been a physical  person when I am angry and that threw me for a complete loop. SD2 calls the cops who come, idk why. One officer looked so pissed that he had to come for this, it would have been funny in other circumstances. I am talking to cops while SD1 is upstairs screaming "Liar. Shes a liar" about me. I left, girls got car loaded and left. SD2 text DH and said "I love you Dad. When you leave her, I will be here to support you." He showed me the text. I ahve decided I am completely separating myswlf from both of them. I am sick of this behavior. SD1 called DH mom to say she was worried about her Dad. Lol...DH mom knows whats going on and thinks the girls are ridiculously spoiled and entitled too. I have closed joint checking account, signed over car and have insurance coming off next month. I I canceld her Spotify premium which apparently crossing the line according to her. Lol..really...THAT was crossing the line?!? I canceled the flex spending card, her ipass, changed locks, passwords and the rest. She messaged DH today and said she didnt understand why I trying to ruin her life. I guess she had been blowing up on Facebook too but I blocked both SD1 and SD2. Today SD2 messaged her Dad and said he needed to quit thinking with his dick. Lmfao...spoiled, lazy, entitled, rude, nasty, little shits!!! And thats just what i feel like typing right now...

 

Rags's picture

Nothing a belt to  kid ass would not have corrected in short order when these toxic ill behaved shit adults were kids.  Daddy needed to find his balls!

I am happy that both of you have finally reached the end of your tolerance for these write offs.

Enjoy your lives with them no longer a part of it all.