Java_Junkie's picture


Love the SD12 like my own, she's sweet and very helpful, really great.

She talks like a belt-fed machine gun. I'm not a simpleton and don't need people to speak to me slowly... but this girl makes me feel like I'm gonna get ADD or something. Listening to her for a few minutes is EXHAUSTING.

DW and I sitting there, relaxing, waiting for her ex to drop the kids off.
Front door flies open, Thing 1 and Thing 2 come flying in... Thing 1 (SS13) heads straight for the kitchen after dropping his stuff off in his room. Thing 2 drops her stuff in the living room, "MommymommyguesswhatwedidwewenttoSixFlagsandtheywereclosedandsowecouldntgetinbecausetherewasaprivetepartysowewenttoseeamoviewesawdaddyshome2haveyouseenithaveypuseenthefirstoneididitwasfunnyandsowasthesecondoneyoushoildreallyseeitwillyoutakemeiwanttoseeitagainratatat-tat-tat..." My word, I felt like she riddled my skull with bullets... I now have a sense of how a home invasion must feel. My lifeless corpse lay on the couch, draining out, clothes smoldering from the assault... then she went to her room.

DW looked at me. "Are you ok?"
"The M-60 machine gun is a gas-operated, air cooled, belt-fed automatic machine gun that fires from the open-bolt position and is chambered in 7.62 by 51 mm NATO cartridge..."

Then came the second wave...
"MommymommyguesswhatimthirdchairclarinetlistentomepracticehowaboutJingleBellsdoyouwanttohearthaticanplayit...shouldigetmymusicstandidontliketouseitbecauseitpokedmyfingeronceandithurtandmademeyeyyOWWsoidontlikeitbutillgetitifyouthinkishouldokillgetitseelookOWWWseeitoldyouidontknowwhyitdoesthat" *starts playing Three Blind Mice* *Changes to playing the scales* *starts playing something else, restarting several times* *starts playing Jingle Bells several times*
My brain by this point has turned to liquid and dribbled out onto the carpet. The dogs are all getting very worried about all those clarinet notes she's making. VERY worried.
My brain was by now mostly just a greasy stain in the carpet that looked like one of the Hell's Angels parked a VERY LEAKY 1949 Harley Davidson panhead motorcycle while he served 20 years in prison. DW looked over at me, facial expression like your favorite Picasso (or Glenn from The Walking Dead). "Are you ok?"

Is it just me? DW keeps reminding me how awesome SD is, and I agree, but DANNNNNG... I start fantasizing about going to work, or maybe going to get my physical, just to get out of the house a while...

I mean, REALLY... she's unbelievable.

advice.only2's picture

Okay this made me laugh

Okay this made me laugh harder than I should have.

Elizamen's picture

Me too!!!!

Me too!!!! Evil

Java_Junkie's picture

Before stepchildren, I never

Before stepchildren, I never knew that stepping outside for an hour or two in the sweltering summer heat to mow the lawn would be such a wonderful experience. Sadly, it's fall - and the lawn doesn't need to be mowed... and we have no leaves to rake... Maybe I can get a second job so I have a legit reason to leave the house. Maybe at Ace Hardware where I can talk to nothing but adults who are grumpy curmudgeons like me and don't like to listen to anything but talk radio?

Java_Junkie's picture

Then, to make it worse, SS13

Then, to make it worse, SS13 promptly clogged the toilet so bad that it wend down the pipe and clogged the whole house. I couldn't shower this morning... this kid's turds

He's getting a reputation with all the family members.

Holiday time, I now know... don't go to the bathroom after him. He'll set you up with a slow flusher that'll look like you did it.

I'm gonna put a lot of Miralax in his Swiss Miss Instant Cocoa this holiday season.

Evil3's picture

I totally get what you

I totally get what you posted. My SS26 was always hyper active and spoke like your SD does. DH did NOTHING to quell SS' frenetic behaviour. I got all the excuses about how "he's just a kid," or "he's only (insert whatever age)." SS would wake up at 5 in the morning and be like that right until bedtime. His voice was loud and out of control. Is your DW a Disney mum? Allowing kids to have rapid-fire speech and take over an environment is a part of Disney parenting. You'll only get the excuses about how kids are like that or that your SD is excited or some other ridiculous excuse. Luckily, I parented my DD17 and taught to not lose control of her voice and other such things. I recommend finding a new hobby that takes you out of the house when your SD is there. Unfortunately, in cases like yours, the bio parents think it's adorable and won't do a bloody thing to "stifle Poopsie's creativity" or whatever other hippy comment they come up with. Maybe try being honest with your DW about possibly teaching your SD manners and what an inside voice is. If that doesn't work, then you'll have to get a new activity that takes you out of the home when your SD is there. The bio parents of kids like this just do not understand how draining it is to be around kids like that.

Java_Junkie's picture

Agree, Evil3... though it's

Agree, Evil3... though it's not the end of the world.

As for hobbies that take me outta the house, I've considered binge drinking. I hear it can be soothing, though it does have a downside, or two.

DW has a little Disney to her style, but it's not all bad - or all that bad. SD is fine tonight, for instance... but SS went full-ON Thing 1 while we were all watching TV, and while I have my days of thinking, "Holy MFing Skittles, wish he would STHU!!!" it was DW who went Sam Kinison on him for his two hours of poop jokes during our Hallmark Channel Christmas movie time. Eighth graders are so... well... heh, all I can say is I wasn't that annoying at that age!
Or was I?
Gawwwwd, I hope not.

Ok, on to the next movie so we can be filled with the Hallmark Spirit. Just remember: "Hallmark. When you care enough to spend the very most."

QTsmum's picture

Oh man, I feel you too. My

Oh man, I feel you too. My SO's boy is so much louder than any child I've ever come across in my life. I want to retreat into some sort of panic room until he's in bed. :\

Java_Junkie's picture

No fooling... I have

No fooling... I have apologized to my dad for being such a snot. "Dad, if I was a fraction as annoying as these kids, I'm SSSSO SORRRRRY..."

These kids are at that awkward stage when they make sounds like dinosaurs and tell poop jokes and fart and belch and watch cartoons that have characters with screechy voices at volume eleven and plot out sleepovers and ask IN FRONT OF EVERYONE, "Can Johnny stay for dinner and spend the night?" They know that if they put me on the spot, I automatically say NO, so they bypass me LOL...

Next time the unilateral decision from DW approves a sleepover, she'll probably be surprised about my unilateral decision to spend the night in a hotel room. "What?!? Why!?!"
"I asked you to please include me. Consider me. Run it by me. You started doing that, but the last couple times here, you just went ahead and did it, and if I protested, I'd have to do it in front of everyone and look like an asshole. So... just so I don't look like an asshole to the kids, and I can have the peace I need, I'll be at the hotel. You can join me if you like, your kids as well, but not all the unplanned Hostel guests."

Aniki's picture

Do NOT invite them!! Next

Do NOT invite them!! Next thing you know, you'll be hosting a freakin' hotel pool party. Shocked

I decided to stop reaching out. It's just asking to get my hand slapped. ~Aniki

The juice ain't worth the squeeze. ~SourGrapes

Shun her like an Amish chick who got caught wearing a thong. ~Echo

Java_Junkie's picture

I Feel statement: "When you

I Feel statement:
"When you unilaterally invite The Human Vacuole to spend the night after I spent $200 on groceries for the four of us this week, and I know that by Sunday night, most of it will be gone because your son and The Human Vacuole will be competing for who can eat the most WHILE cherry-picking the best stuff for themselves,
like you don't give a rat's dropping about the things I do for all four of us. Please stop putting the stowaways in First Class, mmmkay?"

I Feel statement:
"When your daughter insists on walking between you and me, and so close I almost trip over her, then runs to your side to hold your hand,
like she's trying to cut me out. Then, when you don't stop her,
like you think it's ok. And when I point it out, and you dismiss it,
like you don't value my feelings, which I don't want to believe is the case. Perhaps this is not your intention - and it's something you're not aware of? But this is exactly what's happening, and that's how I feel."

Aniki's picture

Java, I'm glad I don't have

Java, I'm glad I don't have those issues. I disengaged 2 years ago. I now make myself scarce and do ENJOYABLE activities on skid weekends!!!

I decided to stop reaching out. It's just asking to get my hand slapped. ~Aniki

The juice ain't worth the squeeze. ~SourGrapes

Shun her like an Amish chick who got caught wearing a thong. ~Echo

Java_Junkie's picture

Aniki, it's sometimes a pain,

Aniki, it's sometimes a pain, but we're figuring it out. I do disengage on occasion, though my own son (19) has his own issues when he comes over. Anything she points out to me is pretty much right, and I get on him as well... when I point out her kids' shortcomings, she takes it personally still, as if it's an attack on her parenting (which ultimately I suppose it is, though I don't attack). Her daughter said she prefers critique because she wants to improve - and she likes my style. Her son, OTOH, whenever I say anything, he rolls his shoulders forward and glooms his face down to the ground as if I shot his dog. Sorry kid, but when I'm running the whole show for a couple weeks after your mom had surgery and she's in a hydrocodone fog, and you UNDO the chores I did and "FORGET" to do any other chores, and I mention one of many instances - if getting caught is upsetting, then don't do the things that'll get you in trouble. It's a life lesson - when you get upset at me for pointing out that you aren't checking the pool skimmers, it's sorta like those folks who blame a cop for giving them a ticket for the 20th time they sped through a school zone. That's paving the path to mediocrity. Don't DOWN my authority - UP YOUR GAME.