My Kids as Adult Skids
Today I get a call from bs18 who tells me that his dad is for sure marrying wife #3 in about a month. I asked if he was going to the wedding, he said his father hadn't invited him yet but he probably would go if inivited. bs21, bs15 and dd22 have no desire to go and bs21 and dd22 are very mad at their father right now. exH waived his 6 week summer visitation and only took the bs15 and bs18 for 4 days. Then exH lets me know by text that he is bringing bs21 here to live w/me, no asking just letting me know he'll be dropping him off. exH then tells dd22 that she can live w/him until he finishes her tech program, then he changed his mind and told her she had to get her own place in December then he got mad at her, yanked her by the hair and told her to get the F out of his house that night. dd had to drop out of school, move in w/her friend and her lovely father kept all the GI bill money (housing allowance and book $$$) dispersed in her name and she has to pay back thousands of dollars because he was greedy and demanded the money go through him because it was *technically his.* Which is untrue since it was given to my daughter in her name, her ssn and she is responsible for it. I thought only addicts stole money from their kids like this but from what I know exH is in debt. This is the environment that he's starting his new relationship in.
bs21 was railing against his father and finance calling his father a d*ck and fiance a b*mbo. Then he was whining that exH abandoned all his kids and pets because of her. Apparently fiance's son is allergic to dogs so the my daughter took all the dogs and 2 of the cats because exH just wanted to take them to the shelter. I sat ss21 down and had a talk w/him. I told him that his father is a grown man close to 50 years old and that any decisions he makes or actions he takes he is 100% responsible for them. He is the one who made you and your sister leave his house. He is the one who hasn't called ds15 in months. He's the one who decided to get rid of the animals. He's the one...and on and on.
I asked bs21 why he was mad at the fiance? Had she even said or done anything mean to him? "No" said bs21. Had she looked at him cross eyed, flipped him off, been rude, cussed him out, anything??? Nope, she had done nothing and bs21 had only met her once but everything in his life that was wrong and everything his father did was because of her.
BS21 has a mild learning disability and emotionally is about 15 years old so he's having a hard time getting the whole "It's time to adult and be responsible for yourself" thing. bs just had his birthday a month ago and his father sent him his insurance information and told him he was no longer covered under him. That's what bs21 got on his birthday, nothing else. I'm sure exH forgot. bs was upset but I told him that really exH didn't have to pay for anything once he turned 18 and graduated high school. bs is grudgingly paying me rent and paying his own car insurance so the adulting is progressing. His father did agree to pay for his phone for a while longer and keep bs on his insurance until 26. I told bs21 to thank his father for all he's done for him and what he is still doing. exH is no saint but I've always encouraged the kids to have a positive relationship w/him, never talk bad about him or his current wife, gf...
My kids are angry, they don't like future SM and are mad at her and their father. I told them that they don't have to like her but they can respect her when they're in her company. Also they can congratulate their father and wish him happiness.
Hopefully the kids and their father will mend their relationship. I'll encourage it but it's up to them. This is a big mess that exH single handedly created by being a rash jerk to his daughter, trying to clean sweep the kids out of his life and as he said *I don't have time for the kids this summer because I have to focus on this relationship.* It seems he's having a hard time balancing being a father and setting up his new relationship. He actually told dd22 that she had to move out because he was moving in w/his *new family* (she has a 14 yr old son).
I guess my point is that exH is a bumbling dodo and really setting things up to be extremely contentious between his kids and his *new family.* I know I can't fix it but I am trying to direct the kids to address any issues they have with their father to their father and not his fiance.
Good job, Still Learning. "I
Good job, Still Learning. "I am trying to direct the kids to address any issues they have with their father to their father and not his fiancé." I'm sure you are a great BM, and sometimes that is the best you can do! Just like some SMs have to say, "it is what it is and whatever relationship DH and his children have is on them," so it also goes for BMs, I'm sure. And, I know we certainly do more than our share sometimes of picking at BMs, but even when we do, I think we all realize that they are not always that bad and sometimes are struggling just as hard as we (SMs) are to make things work for all.
It's mentioned on occasion, but I always wonder just how big of a role social media really does play in the "blame SM" scenario. By social media, I not only mean Facebook and such, but also any teenage/young adult interaction, since so much of it is thru social media and one lone teenager out in Idaho, for instance, can have 100s of "friends" and they can all interact together however they so choose. Social media is great in the sense that it can bring people together like never before, but if you are already more-so socially isolated and into your own world (and most teenagers are), so to speak, social media can be a catalyst for exemplifying your problems and issues rather than helping you to resolve them.
I just get the feeling that the vast majority of these teenage and young adult connections do not speak all that favorably of SMs. I get the feeling they probably all feel that same way about SM as your children do, largely because Evil SM is the norm for SMs that is presented in our society/in social media every day. Moms (and dads) are not necessarily the sole or even major influencer on their children any more. It is social media. Teens are not going to have the insight or wherewithal to look at their parents through open eyes. They are just going to blame and hold SM accountable for everything! Much easier that way. And, again, I'm pretty sure most of the stories out on the net re: SMs encompasses every range of the Evil SM stereotype and not so much looking at SM as just a regular person who also happens to be dad's wife.
Maybe once your children are older and experienced and no longer gaining the majority of their social knowledge from the net, your words will come back to them and maybe they'll have a better understanding and maybe even better relationship with all for it. Keep your fingers crossed. Sometimes that is all you can do.
Thanks Idivilen, I agree
Thanks Idivilen, I agree social media has definitely amplified any stepmother myths, dd22 and ds18 are active on social media but ds21 and ds15 is not.
I do hope my kids can learn to deal w/the source of their issues and and learn to communicate effectively, in this situation it's their father they need to focus on and not his future fiance.
your children not liking
your children not liking future sm is not your concern or theirs.
who their fathers marry is not their concern.
its dads life and not theirs. everyone needs to get over who this man is choosing to marry.
Did you read my post at all
Did you read my post at all LOL? My main point is that exH created a huge mess with his adult and minor children through his own assanine actions. There's been a crapload of drama with all of them and now he's bringing fiance and her teen son into the mix. Even though it's been their father who's made a mess of a lot of things the timing puts new fiance and her son right in the middle. Yes it is dad's life and I've told my kids that. Hopefully they can all mend their relationship and be happy. My concern is for my children and their happiness not for whomever their father is planning on marrying.
The situation w/my kids and the drama w/their father has been very eye opening for me. It give me a bit more understanding of what DH's kids must've felt when he married me and I brought my kids into the mix. DH didn't even tell them we were getting married until the day of...surprise! They weren't happy but it wasn't their choice. It goes to show how poor or non communication between a DH and his kids can affect everyone in a negative way.