19 yo SS is a JERK
I've been with my SO for over ten years and have a SS(14) and a SS(19). Last year, SS(19) went to college and things are so much better for our little family. He doesn't visit home often, but when he does the entire dynamic changes AND I HATE IT. He has a permanent scowl on his face and a seriously bad attitude. He doesn't interact or even smile and SO has to beg him to talk. All of us walk on eggshells and I'm tired of the power he is able to command. On top of that he treats me badly and I'd love to have zero interaction EVER but that's not possible.
How do you deal with a nearly 20 yo kid who is beyond unpleasant? I can leave the house but eventually have to come back to sleep. I get so anxious before he shows up and I hate that too. The dread of seeing his sour face is overwhelming.
Any ideas on how this gets better? Help. 
Has he been acting like this
Has he been acting like this for 10 years? Highly doubtful anything is going to change now? :?
I get what you are saying. When SD moved out at 16, our house went from war zone to Switzerland. SD is the catalyst to drama in our house, when she is not there, things are wonderful, peaceful, uneventful, happy. The minute she shows up, even the air is different. It sucks!
Make it so uncomfortable for
Make it so uncomfortable for this adult child that he wont come back. }:) He can see your DH elsewhere.
Have to agree with Dovina on
Have to agree with Dovina on this... I'm not NEARLY as nice. My SS(now)21 was a little monster from the time he moved in with us full time when he was 15. He's a sloth, never helps with anything, empties our refrigerator while all the time bitc!ng because we don't buy everything *organic* (and neither would he if he was spending his own money).
Soooo... I made a few VERY uncomfortable rules in MY OWN home.
1) Visits will be announced a MINIMUM the night before with a REQUEST (rather than "I'm showing up); No permission in advance, no "show up"; He does NOT have a key.
2) Overnight visits are limited to one night unless there are extenuating circumstances; If he IS staying overnight he's required to be at the house and quiet by the time we go to bed (as to not keep us awake and functioning poorly for our next work day)
3) Now that we are in the "girlfriend" days, she's welcome to stay for the single night (with the appropriate provisions ahead of time) but there will be NO sleeping in the same room in my home (THIS has diminished the visits to almost ZERO with lots of fuss). The way I got around being perceived as SATAN in this scenario was "shoot me your girlfriend's mother's phone number; if she allows her daughter to behave like a SLUT in her home I might consider changing my mind, but don't count on it
4) Meals, etc. will be served when we feel like it, there will be no "free reign" of the kitchen at all hours of the day/night
This has pretty much brought the visits to a screeching halt though it took 2+ years to get to this point. But, that being said, I TOTALLY hear where you're coming from. Keep your chin up and let us know how things go.
On top of that he treats me
On top of that he treats me badly
+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
Your DH allows that?!
SO tries talking and
SO tries talking and explaining how his actions are hurtful but there are no consequences. I don't know what the consequences might be other than don't come home. I think he's coming home this weekend and think I should stock up on booze. Lol
He was young, but still old enough, to absorb much of the bad emotions when his parents divorced. He has not wanted me around but that amplified as he got older. Things got much worse over the last two years. He is unable to discuss his feelings (maybe typical at that age?) but it did come out that he blames me for the divorce, which is just plain wrong. He's not had a girlfriend because he can't relate or communicate. I think he's relationship screwed. I'm just tired of his crap.
My SSs are still just
My SSs are still just adolescents, but if they wanted to come around and act like that, I'd probably tell them that if they wanted to scowl and sulk, they needed to go sit in their rooms, because I wasn't interested in seeing that. I'd probably have to talk to DH first before I said that, but honestly, if someone wants to be in a bad mood, I don't want to be around them. When I'm in a bad mood and my SSs are around, I either go in my room to read or go out by myself. No need to rain on everyone else's parade.
I'm sorry to say but all
I'm sorry to say but all 15-21 year olds are jerks, regardless if they are bio or skid....
being in college makes him think he's the man, and he's not.
Stop being afraid of him, stop walking on egg shells, you allow him to treat you this way, he's an adult, you do not have to take it. Simply ignore him, if he wants to sulk and be grumpy let him be, his life his choice, simply ignore him like he's not there, laugh and joke and go on with life like it is before these visits, either he fits in or he stays in his room and never visit again. Take control back and make him see you are not afraid of him.
If SO is all sweety sweety what's wrong and trying to get him to engage, tell SO straight .. stop bugging your son, he's an adult not a toddler, he will talk to you when he wants to, now.. are we going out with or are you also going to sulk now that you are not the center of your child's attention...? (This you only will have to say once and never again, and SS19 will look at you in awe, he might change towards you)
These young people actually hate visiting their parents, their friends are all away, they are bored, they are very clever cause they are at college and you are at home, low class stupidity and boring, you know nothing, they know it all, you are old fashioned, have no clue what it is like being a 19 year old college student, working yourself to death having parties and socializing.... they will never think for one moment.. wait |Mum/Dad/GRan/SM was once in their life also 19 and went through the same things, nope they think you simply landed on earth as an adult with no problems and a very very fat paycheck
But, potentially, you do have
But, potentially, you do have something to look forward to... if your husband (with your influence) is responsible and puts your SS in a position to launch which includes tapering off the cobbling (both emotionally and financially), when the funds and sucking up stop on your husband's part (with true emergencies excepted, of course) he'll stop coming around nearly as much. And, fingers crossed, your life will be a LOT more pleasant once that happens.
"How do you deal with a
"How do you deal with a nearly 20 yo kid who is beyond unpleasant?" I suggest total and complete confrontation of his behavioral bullshit. Zero tolerance. Tie any household income support he receives to his behavior. Behavioral bullshit results in loss of financial support.
Lather, rinse, repeat.
Feeling pain is the best way to modify his behavior IMHO. Don't wilt to his crap, step up and confront his crap.
Pain modifies behavior. Deliver the pain and don't tolerate his attempts to adversely impact the home dynamic and family interactions.
IMHO of course.
If I MUST be in the house
If I MUST be in the house when the skids are there, I simply go about my business as usual. I do what I want, when I want, and how I want. I only speak to the skids when spoken to. Other than that, they are invisible (or I am) and I do not interact.
I feel like I have my armor
I feel like I have my armor back on and am strong as hell! It's so wonderful to have a safe space to figure this out and gain some "real" perspective.