Do not be there when SS comes. You may not be able to control that he's coming, and you can't control what he may or may not say to you. But you can say, "This is not in my best interest to be around this", and go do something that IS good for you while he is there. No good can come from you being there.

Go get a massage or buy yourself something instead. Sorry you have had such a hard time. Hugs.

I have an SS19 that I avoid because he has learned toxic behaviors from his mother, but nothing like what you describe - I'm just tired of him lying, manipulating and treating his father like dirt. He doesn't target me, at all.

If he did target me, or sent me an email like that, I would expect DH to come down on him like a load of bricks. And he would, too.  Your DH is not protecting you or making you feel safe, and that's where a huge part of this issue lies.  Your DH should be disgusted and horrified by his son, and that son should not be allowed in your home PERIOD. DH should be bringing any of his belongings that he needs to him.

Please get into therapy and find your voice and self-worth.

Last week he decided that he would write me a hate-filled email about how he feels about me.

Then there doesn't EVER need to be a discussion about him staying in your home.

When he comes to get his things, do what is best for you, forget about what it looks like to him. If your husband isn't going to protect you, you need to protect yourself.

I am sorry for you that you are living this hell.

On vacating when the college SKid shows up.... I suggest that you not leave.  Be there, be obviously present and tolerate no crap.  Make sure DH is there too.  

Dont forget to have the locksmith van out front to change the locks.

OP - did you show your husband his son's email? IF not, then it's time you did. He needs to see what a hateful being he has brought up. If you didn't then it's time you did.

"thought more of ending it all and WHY? Because of SS21 who is the most toxic person I’ve ever encountered."

You need help ASAP! Does your H know how this makes you feel? Your health needs to come 1st and if that means that Gremlin not being in your home....than that's what it has to be. How does your H sit around KNOWING you feel this way and how sick and depressed you get and is ok with allowing this BS???

Your H is the big issue here and for your own health and sanity you need to leave that toxic environment. You still have life in you, life is short, do not give them another year of your life and live in this misery. You have options!

Take care of you!!

If there is so much hatred and you dread his presence, even if it's for a minimal amount of time, mail all his stuff to him at college or at BMs, or some UPS store even.

Then there's no reason to stop by. Your DH can go meet SS somewhere way far away to have coffee or a meal or something. (Or have your DH take all the crap with him and give it to SS when they meet far, far away from your house.)

Put that brat's carp out on the lawn in a pile. Change the locks, and inform your invertebrate H that his feral, poorly raised eldest is not allowed back under any circumstances.

The sooner you accept that your H is flat out incapable, the sooner you can begin to heal from the abuse, trauma and neglect of steplife. In this area of your marriage, you are on your own because he is handicapped by ego, fear, and guilt. If you assert yourself and say No More to this adult a$$hole skid, you will have made a small change upon which you can build.

I used to be in your shoes, right down to the horses, depression, panic attacks, codependency, conflict-avoidant H and hateful skid. Additionally, I had a lot of personal issues that I had been stuffing down for far too long. I was desperate to be part of a (dysfunctional) family and so afraid to fail and pathetically eager to please everyone but myself. I blamed myself for their poo, which could be traced back generations. There was no balance in my life, and my thoughts and actions were all for others while no one prioritized me. My H, strong and capable in every other facet of his life, gaslit and hid behind me when it came to his kids or relatives. 

Job One is the care and love of yourself, Horsey. Sometimes that means nourishing your sensitive soul, and other times it means picking up a sword and shield and going on the offensive. Admit to yourself that no one else is going to save you, and that if you want peace, you have to be willing to be a harda$$ to get it. Most of all, stop caring about other people's problems and letting them impact you! 

Are you being treated for your depression? In therapy to get stronger? That's all part of self care and getting back in balance, as is eliminating toxic, damaged, ill mannered, poisonous pieces of carp from your life. 

Tell DH to put his stuff in the driveway. He not allowed to come into the house.   Now that SS told you of his feelings. I think it’s time to tell SS about your feeling to him, to F**k off !!!  Make sure that not a penny of your money ever goes to SS and his excuse of a human.  

There’s a veteran poster on here who received an email like this from her adult SD. I don’t remember the story exactly, but she printed the letter & took it to her attorney, and had them draft a legal document to be sent to SD detailing what would happen if she contacted the poster again.

I think it was at the point she also had her DH removed from the house to stay with the SD until he could prove to his wife he would no longer be supporting his adult DD’s destructive behaviour towards her.

I might have gotten parts of the story wrong, but you get the gist. 

These actions worked, and her lawyer has kept a copy of the email on file in case anything ever comes up again. If your SS threatened you in any way, you have grounds to take legal action to shut this down. 

It will have an impact on your marriage, but how much of this are you willing to put up with? You’ve been so riddled with anxiety it’s making you physically ill & you’re experiencing suicidal thoughts.

Your DH is not worth this stress. You don’t have to put up with this. Please, for your own sake & mental healthy/physical well being, take some kind of stand against this abuse. And if you’re not in therapy, find yourself the best therapist you can & get the professional help you need to move on from this pos SS nightmare.

take the day and go do something good for yourself. Tell your dh to text you when he's gone. I think hatefilled emails should not have been tolerated by anyone and your DH was making excuses for his kids bad behavior instead of addressing it with him. Go do something simple, a nice lunch or dinner and a good long uplifting movie. 

DH needs to beat the $$hite out him.  No man lets anyone disrespect his wife if he truly loves her.  Don't let that manchild back into your house.  

Your DH is sending his son the wrong message by not standing up for you.  Do you know why he isn’t?! Is he scared his son will treat him the same? Is he just generally scared of his son and kissin his butt?

i think a lot of the depression you feel is because you are allowed to be abused in your own home.

No you should not have to scurry from YOUR home- dad should gather his things for him and drop them off, or put them in bags in the garage for him to retrieve.