YSD Allowed to Arrange an Event at MY House Without Asking Me. Again.
Just in a pissy mood. Once again, my DH has allowed YSD to set something up at our house without asking me first.
This time, it's a "trivia night" with her brother and sister. And each skid is bringing a friend or SO...so 6 people. I heard about it for the first time last night after dinner when YSD asked if her friend could come over for the trivia night starting at 2. After YSD went to bed, I asked DH what she was talking about, and he acted like it was no big deal. Just 6 people coming over in the evening for some trivia.
The thing is, we had a dinner last night for all 3 skids that I cooked and paid for...and then I told SS he could just spend the night since it was getting late and have breakfast with us in the morning...I really thought I'd done my skid duty for the week.
So I told DH that I've already planned the menu for the week and really don't feel like cooking for / entertaining 6 people at the spur of the moment like this...that I've got an incredibly hectic schedule at work this week (this is true) and don't have any time to go to the store or cook, etc. He acted like I was being completely unreasonable...said that no one said anything about dinner. Um. OK. So 6 people are going to come over in the evening and not expect to eat anything? Sure. But if he says so. I also told him I didn't want to pay for snacks because, again, I've already done my shop for the week. He promised that he'd tell everyone they had to bring their own snacks and drinks.
He also did this thing that he does a lot where he paused, then talked to me really slowly and deliberately, like I'm a mentally compromised toddler: "TwoOfUs. This is our week to have YSD over."
That's when I lost it. I told him that I KNOW that, of course...but it doesn't mean she gets to just start taking over and setting the schedule...and that I hate it when he talks to me like I'm a moron. Then I stormed off to bed and didn't touch him all night and now I'm up and still furious.
I plan to tell YSD that, NO, her friend cannot come over at 2. It's a work day for me, and I won't have teens lounging around watching TV while I'm trying to get work done. They can go out together. And they can all EFF off if they think I'm making them breakfast now...or if they think I'm participating tonight. I'm just so sick of this crap...I have an online training meeting at 6 pm tonight and I just wanted ONE night this week where I got to relax in my own effing home.
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GRRRR.. so rude. I ALWAYS
GRRRR.. so rude. I ALWAYS and I mean ALWAYS run visitors by DH BEFORE I actually invite them over and it's not like I'm asking permission, it's just common courtesy in my book because who knows? Maybe DH has something going on that I forgot about, or maybe he just isn't in the mood to deal with guest etc. It's really not that difficult.
"Hey DH, BS7 wanted to have Peter spend the night on Friday. What do you think?" "Hey DH, my dad and SM are coming in from Arizona in September and I wanted to put the offer out that they could stay here. What do you think?" "Hey DH, was thinking about having mom and Aunt M over for Thanksgiving dinner. What do you think?"
I mean it's so simple, why can't these men get this???? There is not much that perturbs me more than "Oh by the way" declarations that plans have already been made and I'm the LAST person to be told. GRRRR
This is it exactly. I don't
This is it exactly. I don't understand why DH can't get this.
It's not like I'm trying to cut short his time or his fun with his kids...just a heads up would be nice...BEFORE it's actually in motion. This way...it feels like DH and YSD are the couple and I'm the third wheel.
It's inconsiderate to not
It's inconsiderate to not tell you that there are plans where non-family members will be over. Certainly, you could have had other plans and these may have conflicted. I think it's common courtesy that you were told before invitations were issued to people. It's not that hard. Hey, can YSD have a few people over thursday for a trivia game? Yes.. ok.. food? "no, we will order in pizza that we pay for, no worries"
I think the most hurtful thing is that it shows a lack of respect for your place in the home.. as one of the "parents/adults".
I would tell your DH again, "I know it's YSD's week here, but I would appreciate having advance notice when she wants to have people over. I will most likely not have a problem with it, but out of respect, I should be consulted by her"
what an @$$hat move on his
what an @$$hat move on his part, and then to treat you like that when you voice your objection - the nerve! sending flying five-fisted monkey nut punches his way.
of course as one of the adult members of the household you should be let in the loop before decisions are made as to the goings-on of the household. at the same time too tho', i understand your dh's need to not have to ask permission of his wife, for his kid who he lives with him. i think it's a macho thing. but it still is inconsiderate as phuc.
While I understand that dad
While I understand that dad shouldn't have to ask permission for everything, there is a difference between "can Sally come over after school" and "Can 5 people come over after school for a mini party".
It's the magnitude of disruption that would go on.
Yes...this has a lot to do
Yes...this has a lot to do with it. SD has a friend over to hang? OK. She's a teenager...they like to have friends over. SD wants FIVE people over with less than 24-hour notice...during dinner hours? I should be consulted.
Your DH has to get into the
Your DH has to get into the habit of saying "Did you ask two of us"?
That is what I would do with my daughter. She would always ask if friends could come over for this or that and I would say it is OK with me but you need to ask DH first as this is his home too. That always seemed to work for us. And trust me the answer was not always yes but the asking both worked.
If it affects your life, you
If it affects your life, you get a say. The appropriate response from your DH to YSD is to tell her he'll think about it and get back to her. Then he asks you and if you say ok, it's a go. If you say it doesn't work for you, the answer is no. This technique came from a family therapist. Note that he NEVER says that he needs to check with you first. He says he needs to think about it.
^^^THIS.
^^^THIS.
Yep. But, when he remembers
Yep. But, when he remembers to think about me st all, DH does say he has to check with me. Or he says yes or implies yes...and then tells me that of course I have a say...it's my home after all...I can always shut it down.
Last night I actually called him on his bluff and said: "Oh, OK. Good. Please tell YSD we're not doing it." That's when he started acting like I was being completely unreasonable...talking about compromise...talking to me like I'm dense.
I've hated these during-the-week visits since the idea was first forced on me back in January and it hasn't gotten easier.
Do you know anyone who does
Do you know anyone who does those sales parties of sexual stuff and/or lingerie? You should totally set one of those up at your house when skid is there--without consulting your DH, of course.
lol. I actually DO know
lol.
I actually DO know someone who does those. She's so, so, so annoying, though.
I think they have to be. LOL
I think they have to be. LOL
DH does this shit all the
DH does this shit all the time. He will casually mention SS is having 2 friends sleep over, or that his niece or nephew is sleeping over, of that he made some mind numbing kid friendly plan for all of us and I am expected to attend.
Then when I complain his stance is always that it is a gross overreaction on my part. Usually when he makes these plans we have an egg and a splash of milk left in the entire house and I then would have to rush to accommodate the change of plans.
It's disgusting and intrusive, especially since you have work to do and cannot escape.
I can't tell if my DH is
I can't tell if my DH is getting better or worse about this. We're down to one skid who comes over for visitation, so naturally I think it's happening less...but in terms of percentage of intrusions per kid, I think it's going up, actually.
I really feel like, as the kids get older, DH is acting more hapless/helpless and like he just can't possibly set any expectations for them now that they're adults and teens. Hmmm. Strange. But we can still buy crap for them and feed them and treat them like kids in every other way...just not in the way where we make rules for our home.
I'm so glad I found my
I'm so glad I found my husband. I would never be okay with having to ask permission for my kids to have people over. Our house generally always has visitors. But, we keep a detailed calendar. If a kiddo makes plans, they put the plans on the calendar. Same thing for my husband and I. On one of the rare occasions that we need no visitors at the house, we communicate that in advance. No surprises.
I couldn't live in a household where I was constantly having to ask for permission.
That's not what this is about
That's not what this is about at all. It's about basic respect for ALL of the people who live in the home, not just some. I would never make my husband ask for permission, and I am more than accommodating most of the time. The problem is, DH doesn't think through details very well, and then that's all left on my plate. It's also the extent of it.
Last time SD was with us, she had two different friends spend the night with no advance notice on two different nights. It's summer vacation...friends were both cool...one person at a time...I get that teens want to just hang and chill together...I can always throw an extra burger on or extend dinner for one more.
This is SD plus FIVE...from 6:00-11:00. I JUST did a big Greek dinner for all skids last night...and DH acts like I'm being insane to ask about dinner plans for FIVE extra people. That's a totally different thing.
So just be straightforward.
So just be straightforward. "I was not told there would be extra guests at the house before I went shopping, so you two are on your own to provide snacks and/or dinner for any guests." Done.
They will either step up or provide notice in advance next time. Our kids have not planned well in the past and learned from it. Now, if they have plans, they know to ask for something in advance. "Momof3smof2, since I have 5 friends coming over to swim Saturday, can we have hotdogs for dinner?" This was actually a request last night. I shop on Fridays, everyone knows that so everyone makes requests before that.
Maybe you don't know much
Maybe you don't know much about my situation...but I pay all bills and buy all groceries here at our house and have been for the past 2 years. Because of this, I feel like I should, at the very least, be consulted when we suddenly have 5 more mouths to feed. DH says YSD never asked for dinner or food for 5 additional people, so I'm just making a big deal out of nothing. I am saying that it's implied by the timeframe...6 to 11 would typically include some kind of meal, no? But, again, that's fine if DH and YSD are happy with no food for guests. I still think having 5 extra people in our home is something that I should be informed of with some notice...if not consulted about. That's a BIG jump from having one kid around to having 6.
PS - I WAS straightforward. I don't feel like cooking or buying extra groceries when I've already spent the time and money on our shop for the week. That's exactly what I said. I STILL think that, as a bill-paying adult in the home, I should have more say over when and how our home is used...especially right in the middle of a heavy work week.
PPS - In your "no permission asking allowed" scenario above you mention a family calendar. This implies, at the very least, that you receive advance notice of things...that you have access to information about what events are taking place in your home. Maybe our language is different...but that's essentially all I'm asking for. Advance notice. The fact is...I have no doubt that I wouldn't have heard about this 6 pm gathering until 3 or 4 pm if it hadn't been for YSD mentioning it casually at dinner. So, the fact is...advance plans HAVE been made. A discussion HAS been had. Just none of it involved me at any point. That's hurtful and wrong.
I'm sorry, I don't even feel
I'm sorry, I don't even feel like it's about the cooking, cleaning, food, whatever... and it's not "asking permission" it's common courtesy. you are not asking your DH to grovel at your feet, "Pleeeeaasssee oh most high TwoOfUs, can SD have some friends over for trivia???" Just a freaking simple heads up is all you are asking, instead of being the last one to know and basically being told "this is how it is"
"Oh by the way, SD is having some friends over for trivia tomorrow" is rude. Makes it seem like DH and SD are running the household and you are just there to cater to everyone's whims, and it pisses you off and causes hard feelings that could so easily be avoided by simply saying, "hey 2ofus, SD wondered if she could have some friends over for trivia on Wednesday" to which you would most likely respond.. "sure, sounds good, will they need to be fed or are they just hanging out?" Now YOU are the partner in the relationship instead of the 3rd wheel.
.. and ya know what?? my BS7 is a busy kid and I am a busy adult between working and meetings and trotting BS off for karate and soccer and baseball and whatever. So a lot of times, I might have ONE stinking night a week that I can just put my PJs on and curl up on the couch and watch America's Got Talent and the LAST thing I want to do is have a house full of people. So yeah, Ima be pissed if I'm told this is what's happening. Thankfully my DH wouldn't pull this crap.
Bingo. Hammer. Meet head of
Bingo.
Hammer. Meet head of the nail.
But Mom0f3's response is exactly how DH tries to spin it, too. I think it's an entitled parent thing. No one should ever DARE tell me how to __________ (fill in the blank) with MY kids! Please. That's not what's happening at all, no matter how you try to paint me into a corner.
Edited to add: Also...your description is even better than what I actually got. We were watching TV after our big dinner...around 10 pm last night...and YSD casually says to DH: "Oh, yeah. Can xxxx (her boyfriend) come over starting at 2 tomorrow or does he have to wait until 6, too?"
DH mumbled something about letting him think about it, getting more details in the morning. YSD left for bed...and I had to confront DH about what was going on...who's coming over? How many? What time? It was like pulling teeth...and then being treated like I'm the only one who doesn't know how to compromise.
For the record...we have a very lax, open-door policy and the skids all joke that I say yes way more often than their dad does. This is not me being controlling.
okay, I'm going to opt out at
okay, I'm going to opt out at this point because I think our opinions are too far apart for any input I have to be helpful.
I understand and respect your
I understand and respect your viewpoint. I am honestly incredibly flexible and accommodating 95% of the time. I grew up in a big, happy, open-door policy home.
Maybe if I brought kids of my own to the relationship, I would feel differently. As it is, I am ALWAYS the one who is compromising...always taking the back seat and giving and making room and being flexible. Never my DH or his kids. It gets old.
I imagine, in a relationship like yours where both parties bring kids to the marriage, your husband sometimes gives a little, and you sometimes give a little...which helps keep balance and helps you feel like partners.
This is very different from my situation. I think Childless SMs are far more likely to be treated like "one of the kids" than SMs who bring children to the marriage, generally speaking...whether the husband means to do it or not...it just kind of happens. I think men with kids who marry childless women have to mean for this NOT to happen...have to work a little harder to make sure that their wives aren't getting stepped on, railroaded...treated like less than in the family unit.
momof3smof2, it's great that
momof3smof2, it's great that both you and your partner are on board with having a full house all the time, but not everyone is like that. Say if your partner felt overwhelmed and like he had no say and no space for himself because you and your children were just so overbearing and inconsiderate... what kind of marriage would that be?
It really doesn't seem so difficult to take someone else into account. I'm not sure why it seems like such a strange idea.
If that was my husband's
If that was my husband's personality, I honestly wouldn't have married him. That's not how I wanted to raise my kids.
What I was also trying to
What I was also trying to point out, is that in order to get along with someone, you need to be able to accept them as they are. And if you love them, you usually do some accommodating and some compromising so that you can both be happy and satisfied.
If you adored your husband, but he was just so introverted that he was overwhelmed by random guests... you wouldn't have accepted that about him and you would have moved on. Or maybe you would have set some limits that you could live with, and that he could live with too.
Because if a marriage (or heck, any relationship) is just about what one person wants, without any thought to the other, then it's not really worth much at all. And that wouldn't work for me, because I adore my partner and wouldn't want him unhappy just to please me.
Moe, I think I hear what
Moe, I think I hear what you're saying. It's something with which people need to agree on. Otherwise, they need to be alike in their desires.
in your case, plans are
in your case, plans are communicated in a general manner.... so you're still communicating about it, even if permission is not expressly requested. There's already an understanding between all of you that plans are put there for everyone to see.
I would assume if there is a conflict, that conflict is explored to see what accommodations can be made, who will need to compromise, and how.
If I ask my SO if he minds that the kids have friends over, I'm not asking him for permission... I'm asking him to share any concerns, if any, with me, so that we can address them. It's basic respect... you guys just put it on the calendar instead. Same deal, really.
Yes, exactly. After we
Yes, exactly.
After we argued about it a bit more today and I expressed how this kind of situation makes me feel, DH said that he will tell YSD that from now on she needs to text both of us in a group text when she has a request/idea so that I can see the request and all communication about it at the same time that DH does.
More than anything, them coming up with plans together about the use of MY house with DH...and then coming to me once those plans are in motion makes me feel like a third wheel. Like, DH and YSD are the homeowners and couple and I'm the afterthought / kid who doesn't need to be informed of the plans until the last minute. I'm wondering WHEN my DH would have actually brought this up to me if YSD hadn't mentioned it late last night while watching TV. My guess is 3 pm today. It's insult to injury when I feel like, on top of that, I am then expected to host and pay for it all.
Oh yeah. And when we were arguing about it, DH said: "No one was asking you to host or do anything...you were invited, too!" I did a spit-take at that and asked him why on earth I would ever need to be "invited" to an event that's taking place at MY HOUSE.
lol... I wonder how they'd
lol... I wonder how they'd react if you were to invite a bunch of women to your home to drink wine and watch girly movies really loudly...then tell them after it's all been arranged
Oh. The poo would hit the
Oh.
The poo would hit the proverbial fan.
My mom has dropped by unexpectedly while out shopping on my side of town and DH always acts put out / like it's a huge imposition for her to drop by mid-workday for 30 minutes.
But 5 additional teens for 5 hours should be no big deal to me.
I'm assuming you've pointed
I'm assuming you've pointed this out to DH?
Multiple times. It's not the
Multiple times.
It's not the same because my _________ (fill in the blank: mom, sister, brother, niece, nephews) aren't my KIDS. It's just not the same and I couldn't possibly ever, ever understand.
family is family...who cares
family is family...who cares whether they're up down or sideways on the dna train?
I guess he is trying to say
I guess he is trying to say that he considers his kids as residents of the home (even if it's part time) and that your family isn't. It is a slight difference, but I'm certain he has had other relatives or friends stop by on occasion and you didn't have a fit.
And in any case, while the kids may be "ok" this situation has NON-kids involved.
Plus kids aren't self sufficient. They require supervision, and feeding and cleaning up after. The presence of EXTRA kids ups that responsibility and cost and it sounds like you are the one that has to deal with it.
I just don't see what the big deal is that everyone in the home is aware of what is going down with regards to visitors.
I will be honest, my home growing up wasn't one where we were encouraged to have friends over. We socialized at school and in other places outside the home.
Truthfully, as one of six I
Truthfully, as one of six I grew up in a bubbling, open-door policy home. But both my parents were the parents of all the kids...and both were totally on board. They also discussed individual events with each other in advance, and it was very clear who was in charge of the family home and who were the children.
My DH, on the other hand, grew up in a much more scheduled, regimented home environment. Even now, when I visit my mom or siblings...the expectation is that everyone just hang out as long as they like and chat or do whatever. At his parents' home, there's always an agenda of activities / a definite schedule set well in advance.
A certain amount of flexibility doesn't bother me at all. It's the double standard that bothers me. About most things, DH is far more of an OCD planner than I am...and if I want to do something extra or different, it's just expected that I give plenty of advance notice and discuss with DH.
But when YSD wants to do something...all such expectations fly out the window.
I'm glad I found my husband
I'm glad I found my husband too
He would never think to allow the kids to invite people over without telling me and making sure it was ok.
There is a subtle difference between asking permission and knowing whether it is "ok".
The girls also knew the rules were no one in the house when we weren't there.
Honestly, since he was the NCP most of the time, and the girls friends live 2 hours from us, a visit from a friend generally would have to have been an overnighter or an ordeal to coordinate transportation... so it was really necessary.
We do have a 2nd home on an island and the girls were pretty much given free range to roam as they wished, but they were not to bring kids in the house.. because. 1. we might not be there to supervise and 2. WE were on vacation too and didn't want to get sucked into the babysit/host/hostess roles when we were trying to get away.
So, for the most part, my DH would clear things with me, so I knew what was up. I generally was the one to cook and hostess, so he didn't want to write checks I didn't want to cash so to speak.
Well...and it's just extra
Well...and it's just extra maddening because he DID talk to me well in advance about a dinner Tuesday night and asked if I would make this meal that he loves for one of his friends who he hasn't seen in a while and all three kids. I was totally fine with that and said...yeah. Absolutely.
I arranged my week and my work knowing that I'd have to save some time for this meal and for the prep. We had a lovely time, and I didn't mind at all. It got late and SS is having car issues...so I told him to stay in the guest room and join us for breakfast today...
All very flexible and fine and now...ruined. It's the feeling like he's going behind my back and elevating SD to adult / partner status with him rather than me that I just can't stand. As others have mentioned, it takes five minutes to pull me aside and ask me how I feel about this or that plan. That's all the consideration I'm asking for here...not veto power or groveling or begging for permission. Just the feeling like this is OUR house (because it is) and not like I'm a guest / hired help.
I might just decide to file
I might just decide to file myself away for the evening with a book and a glass of wine in a quiet nook in the house. Then when they start looking around for food.. Daddeee can do it:)
This is really inconsiderate
This is really inconsiderate and he knows how you feel about it so for him to keep doing it is rude and disrespectful.
We lived 30 minutes (at least) from my SD and she never made friends in our neighborhood so it was never an issue. However, once when DH went to pick her up, she AND a friend jumped in the car. SD figured she would bring friend for the weekend, DH made the friend get out. Had DH been single, he probably wouldn't have cared but he knew that I would.
5 extra people w/o advanced
5 extra people w/o advanced notice would annoy me. I really don't know how you can stand to solely support that household.....I've been there/Done that until the resentment and feeling taken for granted turned everything toxic and I dumped exDH ( for a multitude of reasons ).
Tell you DH he can do all the entertaining / cooking and figure out how to pay for feeding the extra guests.
Well, it helps that: 1.) DH
Well, it helps that:
1.) DH is the hardest worker I know and is really trying. He's just in a slump...though I do think he takes it for granted that the money will be there, and maybe takes me for granted a bit...I know he's at least as unhappy with the situation as I am, maybe more so.
2.) I walked into a sweet deal on a great home (family home, sold to us for under market value) from his parents. After selling my condo we were able to buy it outright. The housing security is nice on days when I feel I am struggling to keep it all together.
Edited to add - there are still some days when I think I'm just going to take my $$$$ every month and run away! lol
Oh hell to the no and eff
Oh hell to the no and eff that shit sideways!! Id have DHs balls on the bbq for pulling that crap if it were me. I can totally see my ex SO try that..anything for Princess..bugger that noise.
Id be planning a lovely evening out with friends..or just take myself out to a movie..and maybe pop into a bar..and be home late. Just dont be there..that way you won't feel obligated to take care of them all.
Let your DH handle everything..including cleaning up. You do nothing..zip..nada. This just might wake him the hell up and he will think twice about pulling this inconsiderate shit on you again.