Playing Second Fiddle and Feeling Used as a Stepmom
Hi all! I am new here, and hoping for constructive advice and insight. I am not here to belittle any of my family members, so please help me out. I am married for 5 years, have two children (ages 4 and 2 years) with my husband, and I also have a stepdaughter who is 16 years old. For the first 3.5 years of our marriage, my stepdaughter moved in and lived with us. When we relocated across the country 1.5 years ago, she decided against coming with us and now lives once again with her mother.
My marriage is in the midst of a very rocky and tumultuous time. I think that our marriage has weathered and struggled under many incredible stressors including my husband's stints with unemployment or underemployment, back to back high risk pregnancies right after marriage, having my stepdaughter flee her mother's home because of abusive relationships there, cross-cultural differences and how they play out in approaches to just about everything from childrearing to communication.
The case has mainly been that whenever my husband and I are in the midst of contention, he gravitates closer to his daughter (my stepdaughter) and they capitalize on that hard place in our relating to spend time together, do fun things together, paint the town red, etc. I am excluded from all fellowship with them during this time and I am left managing our home, still caring for and providing for the entire family, etc. Plans are made between my husband and stepdaughter, and I am either not told about the plans, or I am invited in at the last minute. I am made to feel like an outsider. I have not felt the sting of this much since my stepdaughter moved back with her mother.
But, she is visiting us for several weeks this summer, and she is visiting at a time when my relationship with my husband is at its worst. We have not done anything together as a family since my stepdaughter arrived 3 weeks ago. It has mainly been my husband and my stepdaughter doing things together while I am home with our two toddlers. I have decided to leave with our toddlers and spend time with family indefinitely to separate myself from some patterns of relating with my husband that have turned emotionally destructive, and to get a better sense of what I should be doing going forward. My husband and I have very little communication about most things, and I am discovering that he is sharing his ideas, plans, etc. with my stepdaughter instead. He regularly claims that we are on a tight budget and so, I don't have expendable money to do fun things by myself or with our toddlers. Yet, he routinely goes shopping and dining out with my stepdaughter. All of it leaves me utterly exhausted, broken, angry and bitter. I know that I cannot continue in this pattern of life, but I am also hoping to avoid and prevent a divorce.
One last thing- When I was a newlywed, I threw myself into step mothering with full gusto. My stepdaughter's mother has been largely negligent and absent in key ways from my stepdaughter's life. I felt that I could fill that mother void and I poured everything I had into my stepdaughter - time, resources, energies. She came to us with just the clothes on her back. I bought her a while new wardrobe, shoes, coats, toiletries. I placed her on my health insurance and made sure she had the best medical care. I never wanted her to be without. I gave her our spare bedroom for privacy, while my babies shared our room, or the "room" we created in the living room for them. My gusto backfired in our second year together, and I learned through the rough road to disengage and allow my husband to take the wheel of parenting, since he largely left me to handle care, discipline, nurturing of my stepdaughter. My disengagement has made him sorely angry, and because of the rough road I hit with my stepdaughter three years ago, my husband often accuses me of hating her, mistreating her, and not wanting to parent her. I am not moving from my position in terms of disengaging, for my own sanity. But, how do I deal with all these dynamics in my home and family life? I feel it would be much easier to just wash my hands of the dysfunction and focus on raising our two toddlers on my own.
I am just seeking insight and help in navigating what feels like a dispossession of my proper place as wife in my own home.
You know what bothers you
You know what bothers you most is that your DH is disrespecting you, not your SD; she is only behaving as allowed by daddeeee. Many of us have doormat daddeees who feel a huge need to be a buddy to their child/adult, rather than a father or a husband. Your situation is a little harder to disengage in...given this child is under eighteen. However, after you share your feelings openly with DH and if this dynamic continues (a few men DO step up and do what is right by everybody), then take the disengagement step forward. Let him wait hand and foot on HIS child and you find a friend to go on an exotic vacation on her extended stays; I would do it every time until dear ol daddee understands you are sick of it... After 18 if this kid is still disrespecting you in your own home...it would be the time to tell him to GO visit with her elsewhere, this is your peaceful sanctuary, as well. If you are being disrespected and excluded, (and your DH continues to be a woosie), you need to find a way to get away from it all...
You cannot count on him to protect you (greatest advise a poster gave me); so you MUST protect yourself.
Thank you for all your input
Thank you for all your input here. Counseling is underway. We have tried couple's counseling but we are now in individual counseling. My husband has not been consistent about us going together to counseling, even when others paid for us to go. So, I'm going on my own (will be disrupted since I'm taking time away and heading to spend time with family) and he is in anger management counseling through his job. While away, I plan on finding some support groups for the various issues and to stay connected to whatever supports I can find and afford.
It appears to me that your
It appears to me that your husband has some guilt issues with his daughter, and at some point an "us vs them" (meaning he and daughter and you and other children), developed. The step-daughter obviously doesn't like you, or you'd be invited so at some point something happened to cause a wedge. Husband is probably trying to keep the peace by spending time alone with her because he doesn't want the drama. Do you really want to spend time with them, or are you upset that you aren't included? Have you tried making plans and inviting them to join you, or just wait to see if you're included in their plans? Maybe talk to your husband about how you're feeling and tell him you want to be included and see what his reply is. Maybe he enjoys the time with his daughter or maybe he's unknowingly excluding you by assuming you don't want to be invited. Communication is key. Did you stop providing for your step-daughter and if so, why? She's probably feeling the hurt for being excluded as well. He has a child with someone else who is equally important to him. He knows you don't want her around so I'm assuming he's doing his best to make that happen. Maybe while she's there try to include her instead of create more distance. You're all a family. Every person should be included. I struggle as well with similar issues, so I understand and offer constructive advice. Maybe the three of you sit down and have an open conversation with no judgements being made and clear the air. Show them you're the mom of the family and deserve some respect and consideration, and on your part offer yourself as the mom. It's not too late to try something different. Best wishes.
Thanks for your input. I do
Thanks for your input. I do think there are guilt issues.
To answer some of your points, I offer the following: We used to be a two-income household, and my income was substantially higher than my husband's. My insurance gave excellent coverage and so, everyone in our household was on my insurance policy, including my stepdaughter. I have never been a part of any support or custody orders or directives from a court concerning my stepdaughter, by the way. My support has always been voluntary and to foster our family wellness. During the time when both of us worked, my husband worked the graveyard shift. This left me with much to juggle including the daily managing of the home, supervising my stepdaughter and helping her with school, caring for infants and then small children, and tending to my high stress, demanding career. I just sucked it up, and did it. This was our family life, and I did what I believed would be best for us.
My husband started school about two years into our blended family, and we ended up with my income only, which was still plenty to take care of all our needs as a family. During the time that my stepdaughter lived with us, her mother absconded responsibility and sent nothing to support her financially or emotionally. I never made a big stink about it because I didn't desire extra drama in our home. So, I was really the only mother figure my stepdaughter had for those years. It was a hard time, as her mother's absenteeism and aloofness hurt my stepdaughter and my efforts to make up for the void were eventually rejected. I admittedly made tons of mistakes. I had no idea what I was doing and my husband also expected and hoped that I would be a mother to his daughter. Once I disengaged, I think I started to have a better relationship with my stepdaughter. We mended a lot of the painful stuff and I think we have a amicable relationship. I would still give her the shirt off my back but I approach her as a friend and not as a mother figure, since both her parents are alive and well enough to parent her.
Since our relocation, I am a stay at home mother with our toddlers. That was by choice and we both desired it for them. Our ability to provide for the family has become more difficult since there isn't enough money to make ends meet. I am currently looking to re-enter the workforce. But, I am hesitant to continue providing such a high level of financial support for my stepdaughter in this context. I just feel used.
Now that she is visiting, she senses the tension in our home, and she gravitates to her father although she remains pleasant towards me. When he isn't able to be with her because of work, my stepdaughter is with me. I take her everywhere and include her in everything. I have tried to find fun things for her to do, part time jobs, etc. I feel used because it seems that my husband is happy to have me care for and support my stepdaughter when it proves convenient for him. He understands that I try my best to do what I believe is right by her, by him and by our family. But, when he is around, he doesn't treat me with the same regard. I'm no longer needed, as it appears.
I haven't sought to interject myself into the fray. I've just let them do their thing together. I have waited to see if my husband would arrange things that include everyone, or if he would share his plans with me. During this visit by my stepdaughter, my husband has accused me of exclusion when I've sought to do anything during the day without her, i.e., doctors appointments or meeting up with friends for play dates with our little ones. He has reminded me that I assumed responsibility for his daughter when I married him. I find that to be absurd and I've had to make clear to him that it is his responsibility and that of her mother to care for my stepdaughter, and to arrange her days during the visit to ensure that she has things to occupy her time. I have a problem with being forced to figure out stuff for her when both my husband and her mother didn't plan this visit well.
It is all so tiring and humiliating to me to live under these conditions. I know that the blended family issues are just a fragment of our overarching troubles in the marriage.