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Stepdaughter coming into our lives

DDrod11's picture

So I will just jump right in.  My DH has a an adult daughter from a previous marriage.  She is 21 and has a 2 yr old child of her own.  SD was never really around during her teenage years due to issues DH had with ex wife.  He was more present while SD was younger, but as she got older, SD became more like her mother and DH’s family (his parents and siblings) did not want his daughter around.  So needless to say, when I entered his life, his family had a lot to say about his daughter. His own mother told me to never trust her.  But because I love him, In the beginning, I pushed DH to try harder with SD.  She would come around for a week or two and then disappear for months and just blatantly tell DH that she didn’t want to be around him.  Her and her mother would only come around when they needed more money then child support then they would disappear. My DH would just be crushed every single time. He always tried to be with his daughter, he tried to make he apart of our lives but she told him she wanted nothing to do with me or our daughters that we have together. Now fast forward to now, her and her mother are financially in a very bad place and now she is starting to reach out to DH again. She is giving him a sob story about her mother whom she always defended in the past, she is saying she doesn’t want to live with her mother anymore and is basically hinting that she wants to live with him. I do not want her to live with us. She has a 2 year old child, and we have our 3 and 4 year old. DH and I are 16 years apart and SD is only 8 years younger then me. I do not want to raise a 21 year old and her child when I am only 29 raising my own toddlers. I have a great job and earn a good living but I also work very hard for what I have. I do not want to deal with any negative or drama and bring that around my daughters.  I feel I am being selfish but I am just tired of the roller coasters we have gone through over the years with SD and all of the hurt, lies and manipulation, I just don’t want to do it anymore.  I definitely do not want her in my home. Please give me advice. Thanks. 

SteppedOut's picture

Do NOT allow sd and her daughter to move in. This should be your hill to die on. 

 

hereiam's picture

Just say, "No".

First of all, she is an adult with a child of her own. She can either stay with her mother or get a place of her own. Second, she only wants to be a part of your husband's life when it benefits her. Just, no.

Neither of you really know this girl/woman, would you let a stranger off of the street live with you?

My husband has an estranged adult daughter (not the SD that I refer to on this site). Neither of us trust her, she has never even been to our home. Because of the way she has treated my husband, he no longer even feels any guilt. He tried connecting with her over and over and was rejected every time (unless she wanted something). He's done.

ybarra357's picture

Yeah, her mother is probably giving her the boot and so she's trying to get into your place.  I feel bad for her the kid involved, but no, I wouldn't let her move in.  Once they're in, it will be really hard to get them back out.  

Siemprematahari's picture

If you have SD and her H move in, it may just be the end of your marriage or a very bumpy one at that. If she's on government assistance there are programs that can assist with helping her with a place to live. Wherever she's staying at now, she needs to remain there until new housing arrangements that do not include you and your H can be made.

DDrod11's picture

she is living with her grandmother rent free. Her mother is also living there too. I told DH, if she wants to move back to CA, (they moved to AZ last year) she needs to get a job and save up her money. 

ndc's picture

Tell your husband NO WAY.  Even if his daughter was the best kid in the world and had a stellar relationship with her father, it is reasonable for you to not want another grown adult and her child in your home.  His daughter is far from that, and it's not just you who thinks so, if your DH's family doesn't want this skid around.  His daughter USES him.  She only wants a relationship when she needs something.  No good will come of her moving in.  

Do you think if you say no your husband will argue with you over it?  If it was me, I'd take a very firm stand, to the point that I'd leave if she came.  You and your children deserve a peaceful life, not the drama and chaos his adult daughter will bring.

Harry's picture

You can never have two woman in the same home.  It just doesn’t work.  That will be the end to your marriage 

shamds's picture

its part of any normal growing up type relationship and common sense that you do not need grown up skids let alone ones that had kids of their own moving into your home and invading your privacy!!

his daughter has never had to be responsible for herself, she’s had a silver spoon in her mouth too long, someone has helped her every step of the way. When hubby cuts off that lifeline, yeah she’ll chuck a hissyfit and use her toddler for guilting hubby but this is when he says “what have you done to get yourself in a better place? Thats right, absolutely nothing so don’t guilt others into helping you out when you’ve been lazy!”

this is the hardest thing for hubby to accomplish and get over that guilt in helping her because it is for her own good

the only time i see it logical for parents to help kids out is say if it were a global financial crisis and they know their kids have been working their arses off and they help them a bit to keep them afloat then ok but somebody who is sponging off welfare benefits doesn’t get to pick and choose.

when hubby brings it up tell him you know for a fact she cannot contribute towards household expenses so you will be subsiding for her, thats not your job. Stand your ground and firmly say NO!!

Lndsy747's picture

Definite no!

Based on what you said about their history and BM making things difficult I'm betting having SD back in your life will also mean BM being in your life too. It sounds like alienation took place in the past and it's often about control. I'llIbet that BM will not like SD playing happy family living with you and will cause drama with guilt trips about leaving her and missing the grandchild. Also as soon as SD doesn't like your rules she'll go running back to BM and any effort and money you put into helping her was a waste.

I expect my SD will try this some day after she's 18 since her mom has a serious boyfriend  that lives in another city and she's told SD that she can only live with her if she's in school once she's 18. We have already decided that if that day comes SD is on her own. We have tried to maintain a relationship and we'd be open to having one again but she will never live with us.

Rags's picture

You are not selfish. If your DH does anything but writting off his toxic X and their toxic adult breeder daughter he is the selfish one.

DH to SD - "You are an adult. You made your own bed. Now you can lay in it.  Go to your mother for help"..

DH to BM - "Rot in hell."

I am not supportive of toxic crap from anyone of any age. But once a toxic spawn reaches adulthood.... They are on their own unless they do as they are told.   My help for an adult spawn would be 100% dependent on their behavior from second to second.  They do anything but exactly what I tell them to do when I tell them to do it,or they are an immediate write off. That does not mean that I would not take a call from them, meet them for lunch, etc... It  means that they are on their own without access to my resources.

A toxic X gets nothing from me. Period.