I have this problem with my dh 10 yr old daughter. We have told all the kids what happens in our house stays at our house. It doesn't work. I think their bm drills them with questions when they get home. It's gotten to the point that the bm is taking my dh back to court and using the things the kids have "told" her against him. Which she doesn't have a leg to stand on, but that is her. BM tells my sd's that "I don't love them enough", ok are you kidding me. Whatever!! I wished I could give you some good advice on how she won't do it, but I can't. I would love to know how to make it stop. My bs(15) doesn't say a word about either households. What happens at his dads stays there and what happens at my house stays there. Maybe you and I both can get some good advice from the others.

Wishing you the best!!

BM in my life does the exact same thing, she asks SD8 when we are getting married and stuff like that. I have also caught SD8 lying to her mom about STUPID little things and then BM will call FH and say why did Molly say this or blah blah blah. Ick. I HATE her.
Really, I think the answer is both bio parents sitting the child down and calling them out on their bull. However, in my situation, BM acknowledges that the child lies and that in her opinion its ok. Worthless, if you ask me. Too bad the courts don't recognize what the BMs are doing. Only 10 more years til this one is 18....

Children are very dependent on parents for their every need in life so its not surprising when some of them decide their life will be better if they keep that person happy.

What you are trying to fight is the girls instinctive need to keep her mother happy. This is more important that keeping you or even her father happy because from her point of view everything she needs comes from her mother.

Don't get stuck on explaining child support - money is not the issue here.

Once you understand that she MUST keep her mother mollified you will understand that the girl can't change. Her protestations to you and Dad are her simple way of doing exactly the same thing she's doing with mom which is keep everyone happy.

This is not being done maliciously - she is simply surviving in the ugly world she is living in where the two people in her life that mean the most have failed her.

Now - what can you do about it? Well you're not going to change the mother. The father is already on your side and the girl is simply doing what necessitity dictates. Who's left?

Thats right - you. All you have to do to defuse this is to change your attitude. Decide that the girls reports to her mother can't contain any information that has any bearing on your life. Does it really matter that Mom knows you've gained ten pounds, that you fight (who doesn't) etc.etc?

Sure it gives the mother some sad feeling of satisfaction but frankly you should pity her not get irritated at it.

At this point in time you're forcing the girl to lie about her behavoir. Stop questioning the girl about what she tells her mother. Isn't that just as bad as her mother questioning her about what you're doing? Keep the girl out of it and remember that what she's forced to report is penny-ante stuff about your life. Do this for the kid. YOU are the adult here.

Eventually the kid will come to the conclusion that her mother is a sad case and come to pity mom herself.

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There's an exception to everything I say.

My SD18 still does this. I can maybe see a 7 year old walking the tightrope w/a bitter bm, but when it goes past age 10 or so, I would hold her accountable. Lying and gossiping about you guys is wrong, no matter what the motivation! And at that same time too I would explain about child support - everything is not coming from her mom!
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Age cannot wither her, nor custom stale
Her infinite variety.

William Shakespeare, "Antony and Cleopatra", Act 2 scene 2

Same situation goes on here also. Yes it does bother me but after reading OCC's comment, I completely agree! My SD is the same way. She tells us what we want to hear and she tells BM what she wants to hear. However we really don't get pushy enough to ask questions, SD voluntarily tells us things. Plus she knows she can talk to us anytime about anything. Hence why we don't push with questions. BM does. She knows BM says and does or doesn't do things she approves of but since she and SS don't see BM much other than 1 weekend a month (if that) she is scared BM will no longer be in her life anymore. So she in a sense puts BM on a pedostil and treats things like no big deal when BM is wrong, we however get treated like mean wicked parents!

Something that works for me is limiting what I say around the kids. the less you share info the less BM hears.

I would rather be hated for who I am, then loved for who I am not.

that while we do not question ss about anything that goes on in his home with bm,( although ss does speak to us openly about his enviroment with his mother in casual conversations,) we do know that bm goes into interrogation mode the minute ss walks back in her door, but we could care less. As we see it, it does not matter if ss speaks positive of dh and I and of the going on's in our home, or if he speaks negatively, bm will twist and distort anything and everything she is told to suit her and feed her ego. So, my advice. Let it go, there are bigger things in this life to be worried about.

My SS is a reporter too! We have learned not to discuss anything significant in front of him (nothing about bills, plans, where we're going, etc.) Now there's nothing for him to report expect what we ate that day.

Its a fine line, and the kid is in the middle. On one hand, you don't want to hide your life from her but on the other you don't want her to tell her mother anything about that life. She has 2 sides in her life. One life with dad and one with mom. I went through the same thing as a kid. We deal with the same thing too. Luckily its easier for us because SS lives out of state, but DH does not tell him many things about our life, he more focuses on talking to SS about his own life. It puts the kid in an awkward position to have to hide things or not be allowed to talk about one part of her life with the other parent. I remember feeling that way and feeling very frustrated by it. I would say not to tell SD anything that BM absolutely cannot know, and try to let the little stuff go, and then stuff that SD does know that you have no control over, ask her to please not discuss it with other people. But don't ask that about every little thing. Good luck!

"I child proofed my whole house, but they STILL get in!"

Intentionally or not...They just don't always have that filter. If they are asked something they will answer as truthfully as they know how. BM asks my SD9 if I cook all the time, what does my house look like, is my house always clean.
I guess it's her "fly on the wall". I don't particularly care since DH and I have a really uneventful life anyway. She'll grow out of it. Or atleast thats what Im hoping!

Every time she lies call her a fibber. In public, in private, every time she fibs or lies "Fibber!". Let her deal with the embarrassment of her behavior. Soon she will either tell the truth or keep her mouth shut. Either way the problem has been addressed.

It works on adults too. If BM lies call her out with the "Fibber" label. Nothing is more embarrassing to an adult than being called a fibber in public.

Usually the litmus test is how vehemently they try to expound on how they are not fibbing.

Try it. It really does work.

Success is rarely final. Failure is rarely fatal. It is character, courage and consistency of effort that count. Vince Lombardi (with some minor Rags modifications) To each according to their performance, screw Karl Marx. (Rags)

I personally have a six year old biological daughter and she will tell stuff and its always the stuff you try to get her to keep to herself!! Little ones say the damndest things! I know she does not do it to be malicious, as I am sure your stepdaughter does not. The whole blame lies within your stepdaughters wicked mother. She is putting the child in grown up talk and situations and manipulating her for her own gain. Someone needs to stop her from poisoning that little girls mind. As soon as the stepdaughter does it call the mother and let her know you know her game and what is up and call her on it. Tell her that you are flattered that she is so freakin interested in your life that she would send her own 7 year old daughter to quiz you all but if she wants to know something about you all she needs to be a woman and ask you herself. Tell her to get a life. But in no way be mad at the little girl. She can't help it her mom is a kniving bitch. My kids daddy tried that crap with my 6 year old when he took her for visits. And I just called him out on it one day and gave him a good cussing and belittled the hell out of him for it. You act like a child and play childish games then I will treat you like a child.

You just jogged my memory! About 3 years ago SS was on the phone with BM. He was looking thru the drawers in his & SD's room telling BM every item of clothing that was in the drawers! I walked up to him and closed the drawers while he was on the phone and asked "what are you doing?"
He walked out of the room and kept talking to BM. When DH got home from work I told him what his son had been doing and he sat his son down and told him not to EVER do that again. That what happened in our home and what they had in our home was not BM's business. BM was trying to get SS to take the new clothes that they had in our house home with him!! So every time they came over I made sure I went thru the bags and that they didn't take anything home that she hadn't purchased herself.
It's awful that adults do things like that to kids. Kids are so easily manipulated because they just don't know! And they of course feel a sense of loyalty to their Bio's so they do what they are told.

Same thing here. My SD11 goes as far as making things up to tell her mother. Then we get a phone call about how upset SD was when she got home about lie#1, or how awkward she felt about lie#2. Over the summer, SD got a cell phone and she brings it every other weekend and spends a lot of time texting with her mom. I started checking the texts when the lies started occurring on a regular basis, and found that they text snarky remarks about me and my husband. And she pretends to be sick almost every time she's with us...at least to her mother. She'll text her mom about how she's got a horrible headache and stomachache. Her mom will ask if she has a fever. She will respond saying that she doesn't know because we don't even have a thermometer. WTH?? We do have a thermometer and she knows it! Another time she texted her mom to ask her what she could do about her dad 'forcing' her to go see a movie that she had wanted to see with her mom. I know these things are not really big deals, but it hurts to know that no matter how much we try to make this a nice fun comfortable place for her, she chooses to engage with her mom and badmouth us.

Sorry for the rant, I just found this forum and am feeling a great deal of relief knowing I'm not the only one.