4 year old doesn't play nice.
My SO's son is 4. He's very small for his age and super cute. He snuggles up with everyone and all the adults just want to keep him. That is until he starts playing with other kids.
His behavior in preschool is getting worse. He hits, bites, bullies, and lies. His thought of sharing is that when he wants something he gets it. If the other kid says no he gets mean.
We only have him every other weekend and are doing the best we can. He once again broke what his older sister was building with the blocks. We talked and he said she wouldn't share which talking more meant she wouldn't give him the parts she was actively using.
After a 4 minute time out we talked more. He complained she won't play with him. Yet again we discussed playing nice. I asked if he'd want to play with someone who was mean to him. Of course no. He had to apologize and now he's playing again in the room.
Thing is this is the same issue over and over again. Here me and his dad monitor so he doesn't get quite as mean but preschool teacher does tell dad the behavior is just getting worse in school.
We have no control over what happens at BM's of course and it feels pretty hopeless when he's gone for two weeks comes back behaving the same way or worse.
Anything else we can do? He handles time out without a blink. I don't think spanking will help with this and I also feel it wouldn't matter since clearly he gets away with it at mom's.
Also any ideas on maybe good behavior DVDs? I'm wondering if having him watch them would help him understand because right now when I talk to him I have no clue what's sticking with him and what he's understanding.
Also his father does help so I'm not alone in handling this.
Instead of a 4min timeout try
Instead of a 4min timeout try 4 firm swats to his rump.
Hitting a kid for hitting
Hitting a kid for hitting will not teach him anything. Well, that isn't completely true. It will teaching that hitting people who won't donwhat you say is perfectly fine.
Time out and losimg the privilege to play with the toys he's hitting his sister for MIGHT solve the problem.
How is his speech? Some kids with speech delays will hit because they can't express themselves verbally
I won't say he never gets
I won't say he never gets spankings but yeah not for this. It would be confusing "I'm gonna hit you since you hit her."
When he started preschool they tested him because his behavior was so antisocial they tried saying he was autistic. No just poorly socialized and selfish. Like I said. To him sharing means I want I get.
He can communicate clearly when he wants to. I'll hear him screaming and yelling at his sister so it's not that he CAN'T talk.
I'm trying to push emotional awareness. Asking why he did something and how he feels. I'll help him put words to it like upset or frustrated. I'll ask him if he thinks someone likes being hit or of he would. Would he play with someone who was mean to him. It just doesn't seem to stick and honestly I'm more use to working with teens so I'm not sure if how we talk is age appropriate or developmentally correct.
I find it interesting that
I find it interesting that this was rarely the case until the pseudo science non professionals had to start justifying their "profession". Corporal punishment has worked since the dawn of parenthood. I have never seen a kid who is effectively disciplined run amok in public while the special little snowflakes whose parents do not apply notable consequences can fairly regularly bee seen acting inappropriately in public.
I will add here I NEVER spank
I will add here I NEVER spank him. Since I am not his Bioparents that is not something that is reasonable for me to do. His dad will give a swat rarely but we believe it's BMs main discipline method from what daughter has told us.
Does dad get phone calls on
Does dad get phone calls on bm's time?
He's awfully young for this method but it's an idea to set up a reward for him if he goes 5 whole days or whatever without teacher needing to call. Come up with the stairstepping that works for your schedule. If dad gets phone calls he can reinforce and remind him every day about the prize he'll get and do the countdown with him, "just 3 more days, just 2 more days!"
He's very young to think so abstractly about time periods but I'm not sure what else you can try that arcs her time.
I suppose you can also do "play acting" the appropriate behavior. Make a game of actual sharing and what being told "no" by another child should look like. In other words, practice with him what his behavior should be during the specific types of incidents you hear about. Make it a fun game and use rewards there, too. Then you can remind him to use that behavior at school.
You can exercise his self control muscle during this play acting by using actual objects he likes and having him wait his turn in practice.
My SS is five and hands down
My SS is five and hands down Year4 was like some evil gremlin monster took over his body. It was like a switch flipped the day of his birthday and we stayed getting calls and notes home about him playing rough at school. I'll never forget being in carpool to pick him up from preschool and his teacher walked him to the car to tell me he Spartan Kicked a little girl off the monkey bars. Flabbergasted...completely blown away...he was always such a calm meek kind of child with sensitive feelings before. We talked to him, put him in time out, spankings on serious occasions and nothing seemed to stick. He would "learn" better but then away from us and in the moment his sense of "if I act like this I will be in time out" didn't register. And we had him majority of the time! My point is that it's his age; the only thing y'all can do to try to stop it is to be consistent and remind him "this is happening because you did this to Sally" My SS is much better now, he still has his days in Kindergarten but his teacher swears it's because all boys are immature at this stage.
BM does not want to work with
BM does not want to work with dad on stuff. She doesn't want to admit there are issues which is why there's problems.
She actually volunteers at the preschool and teachers told dad the son's behavior is worse when she is there.
The only time she wants to 'work with him' is to demand he do something different because she's sick of dealing with his bad behavior.
For example she messaged about a month ago demanding that SO not carry son when he refuses to walk. Turns our he will sit down and BM will have to carry him because she can't make him get up. Odd he's NEVER done that around us but she doesn't believe that.
SO has asked how she is handling the bad behavior in preschool. She refuses to respond or says she's dealing with it.
Yes all that sounds familiar.
Yes all that sounds familiar. At this point he is old enough to understand different parents parent differently. BM loves to play the "he doesn't do that for me" card until the teacher mention putting him on medicine then she's all "oh yeah he definetly needs that." The teachers notice. My SS's kindergarten teacher straight up said "that's a crock of shit" when I explained to her that BM's response to behavior is received differently when it comes from her versus DH. If DH says something she argue/says she doesn't have that problem; if the teacher tells her the problem she swears to the all Mighty MOTY that she is going to fix it. All you can do is stay consistent on your end. My SS learned really quickly the games and manipulations he plays with BM ends as soon as he gets out her car Sunday afternoon. We don't give in to baby whining voices, we don't buy toys at the grocer just because he's behaving like he's suppose to and misbehavior will ALWAYS will met with appropriately equal reaction. Examples: if he refuses to take a nap at school-he takes one when he gets home from school; if he plays all day in school instead of doing what he's told-he does school work when he gets home; if (in your case) he hits his friends at school-he plays by himself when he gets home. And even in preschool we've kept him home a day to tell him that if he can't play nicely and be a big kid for school then he won't get to go. At that age they want to go see their friends so it worked the one time we did it.
BM is primary right now is
BM is primary right now is the only down side. She has him the majority of the time. SO only gets EOW. So he finds out Friday when he picks him up from school that he's still struggling. Yes he can deal with anything that happen that day but it just makes him the bad guy if BM isn't doing her part. Which she isn't.
Thank you though.