(((Hugs)) Echo, that's TERRIBLE. I'm sorry you went through that.

Yes, you are correct - you cant force someone to respect you - I understand that people can feel how they want to - that's their choice, and none of my business, actually.

My point with him and the children is that everyone needs to be TREATED with respectful actions. We need to REQUIRE everyone big and small in our home to act respectfully and not think "its ok, shes just my sister, I can say what I want, and how I want". "its ok, that's just my dad, I can yell at him how I want." "its ok, I can be a jerk when I want, if Im in a bad mood or whatever."

The way I grew up, showing respect to each other was not considered important. We yelled and insulted each other all the time. Its only now, since Ive grown into adulthood, my parents are older now, that we are starting to learn the importance of acting in a respectful manner.

One strange example - when I came home the other night, SD17 walked away from me, and did not respond/acknowledge me when I said a friendly "hello" straight to her. She gotten into an argument about being tardy at school, with her father, and was angry, etc. But I expect, in my home, that everyone will be acknowledged, and not ignored. A small thing, but a big thing, yes?

And that is where I am at this particular moment. It has been a progression over time. When I first came on board, three years ago, it was parttime and it was the home the skids had shared with their mother, who cheated and was subsequently thrown out. Being the new kid on the block, I did not have much understanding about the whole "divorce dynamic", and how it affects the kiddos, just trying to get my life in order and on track. Now that I have some time under my belt, more time in the relationship, and time/history with kiddos, my perspective has shifted, my confidence higher, and no longer afraid that they "wont like me"... I have a great relationship with SO, a great friendship with Munchkin SD10, and am really soured out on Winona SD17.

The lessons are many, this is not for the weak-kneed and willy-nilly. If we are strong enough in ourselves and self-respecting, then the truth will prevail. Either they are along for the ride, or they catch another shuttlebus.

Right - Who - that was my attitude as well, but her father disagreed.

His opinion, is that the adult ASKS the child to do something, and when there are arguments, then explain that everyone helps in this house. His logic is that Winona will struggle and fight and scream and yell, and this will help avoid conflict. He does not want any more conflict, and we are all tired of Winona SD17 being a high-conflict B who doesn't NOTHING to help, unless ASKED to.

ERGO - its his kid, his problem. All I care about is that the thing is done. Ive had other conflicts with her before - for example, when I said one time a while ago "hey you are helping me cook dinner tonight", her response was "since when?" Mine - SINCE NOW. And we did and all went well. She learned how to cut raw garlic from the husk that day.

What tends to happen, historically, is that I will "order her around", she will snark off something rude, I will get angry and tell her that was rude and disrespectful, she will argue, I will run and get her father (to be witness because she lies when her lips move, as back up). THEN the two of us will get into it, him in the middle, whereby the snot will say something like "why are you taking her side against your own daughter, I cant believe you would do this to your own daughter, etc..."
Then because we have a history of her treating everyone like dirt and me standing up for myself, she will lie about it her BM, and there will be texts a'flyin.

THIS time, I am working on disengagement, have read and seen the stories on this board, have armed and readied myself for battle. THIS time, things will be different.