What would you do in my situation?
I know I have been posting frequent lately. I am having my struggles with things, nothing really bad or anything just struggling.
Those who have read my stuff know that my SO’s sister was an issue and is not so much anymore I guess. She cut back on her drinking a lot and my SO said to her until he sees her doing better that is son will not be allowed to spend the night. Well, instead she is literally up at the house every weekend for like the last month. One reason she is up there is because soon to be SS8 has basketball games. I totally get that but she hangs out all day and spends the night. I am sure part of it is she is trying to spend time with everyone before they all move. I get it.My biggest way of dealing is to not go up there as much and basically tell my SO that if he wants to see me he can come down to me on the weekends I do not want to go up there, he has. No his son is not with him as we still do not know about his allergy to cats.
Anyway it is my turn to go up there this weekend and I asked to find out if his sister will be there, I didn’t really need to ask I should have just known it was yes. She has to work all day Saturday so she will not be up until dinner. If it were me I would just stay the hell home. Is what it is. Her and I are getting along better so really no big deal there either.
Here comes the part I am struggling with. I hate going up there, literally all week long I am miserable, and short tempered and just not at all in a good mood knowing I am going up there. I was raised to be nice and respect others in their home, so I do and I keep my mouth shut when I do not like something. It is really starting to get harder for me to do that, for so many reasons. I am not picking on any of his family or think they are bad just they say stuff.
Example: His mom “You know we can stay up here for the summer and stay with you two to help take care of SS8 so you can save money.” ……I know that she is trying to be nice but it has been mentioned several times now that the first few months we are living together we do not want anyone spending more than a few days with us. As we will be trying to figure out a routine and navigating our way through a new life situation. She does not seem to want to hear that. I am running out of ways to be nice about it but I cannot be rude in their home. Yes my SO says things to them too about this but I think his mom tries to divide to get her way. There are other things, my SO has been cutting out sugar from his son's diet. He is a hyper kid already and sugar really just makes him literally bounce off the wall. I have seen it running laps in the house jumping up the one wall to touch higher. SO's mom and his dad buy high sugar cereal, cakes, doughnuts covered in sugar, choc chip pancakes. Basically she ignores my SO wishes I get it is her home. I do not say anything, also did I mention my SO is a full blown diabetic, since he was 7.
I guess what I want to know is what would you do? Would you just stop going up there until you all move in together? Would you just keep biting your tongue knowing it is coming to an end? I have begun to limit my time there, I even go run errands or go see my friends and family when I am up there as I have a lot up that way. How do I stop this feeling of dread? It literally has nothing to do with SO and his son. I enjoy being around them. When it is just the three of us it is so nice. Please help!
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TBH, I think you are
TBH, I think you are hypersensitive and you probably just need to chill out about it. Like you said, it should resolve a lot of it with the move.
You have to remember that this family stepped up and helped your SO when he needed it. They are used to being a big part of his life. They are not used to you and the changes you are bringing to the dynamic.
Cut them some slack and continue to be nice and vaguely non-committal. Defer and deflect the comments and questions back to your SO. "OH, you would have to ask SO, he really said he wanted to have it just be us for a while though"
One thing I would caution you about is if you truly do not like his family or vice versa, I would probably not move forward with the relationship.
Thank You. Yeah I am probably
Thank You. Yeah I am probably being hypersensitive. I do a ton of eye rolling when no one is looking these days. I really do try to cut them slack and I have been. Th weekends I go up there are just getting harder and harder for me. My SO knows and he understands and he has been great about trading off the weekends one my place, one his. I guess I get defensive of my SO when I see what he says and tries to do for his just get ignored at times.
I do like his family, his sister and I are getting along a lot better now. People may not agree with this but when SS8 asks me for something, I make him say please. When we were around my family and I made sure he said thank you when they got him gifts for the holidays. My SO did too. My SO's sister knows I am kinda big on that and that my SO thought it was good his son was starting to say thank you and please more, so she started doing it more too now. Her and I are getting better.
His dad I love his dad and think that he is great not one issue with his dad. His mom well I like her she is nice just she is odd. Even my SO says she is spiteful sometimes, she does not always really take in consideration anyone but herself. His words not mine.
I do appreciate the warning.
LadyFace I like your
LadyFace I like your responses. I get a lot of it is cause he lives with the grandparents. I just get upset that when my SO is like really stepping up and being a dad they kinda ignore it at times. He brushes it off. I guess I come here so I do not slip when I am there.
I worry plenty about my own
I worry plenty about my own home. I know not my home and not my kid. But I am sure you get annoyed when you see people just down right disrespect your DH to his face. That is all this is me hating seeing him deal with this. Believe me I told him he is also at fault for this situation, he is not totally blameless. I never mention anything when I am there. I really do bite my tongue just need a place to vent is all.
Thank You, I guess I just
Thank You, I guess I just need to hear that it is going to get better. His dad did say he was proud of him for stepping up even more lately. His mom I do not think she likes it. My SO literally said he wanted his son home the one night I was there. His sister and mom took him to visit some family, this was over holiday break. One the way back his mom sent a text saying SS8 wants to spend the night at his aunt's (the sister). SO said no you already know that. What does his mom do text her husband complains like a child to get a different answer. SO's dad backed up SO. That was a fun night to be up there. I say there kept my mouth zipped very tight. I just witnessed.
How many times do I say I
How many times do I say I stay out of it. I just vent on here. I do step back all the time, trust me I know it is not my place when I am there to say anything really. He is a really involved dad, he was not perfect and far from it in the beginning but he truly has made many steps towards a better life for him and his son. Yes his is still not perfect and his job traveling sucks and he knows he can not stay there, hence him looking and applying. He already knows I am not taking on all the responsibility for his son. I do understand I will have to contribute I get that going into a relationship with a man who has his son 24/7.
He reads every night when he is home with his son, makes sure he practices his guitar, takes him to all his sports things he does, is at every game. When he knows he is about to travel his will not come so my place that weekend before or the weekend after he gets back because he knows he already asked enough of his parents. Buys him clothes, underwear, socks, goes to the parent teacher conferences, checks his homework. When his is not on the road he literally is there being a parent. It took time for him to get to that point but he honestly keeps going in the right direction.
I am relaxed and I do plenty for myself still all the time. I take dance classes, I go out to dinner with my girlfriends, I take my grammy to her hair appointment like every 5 weeks since she does not drive, (I offered as she is the only grandparent I have ever really known).
I do come on for advice and I
I do come on for advice and I have taken plenty of it and corrected some of my behaviors and talked to SO about things. He is a working parent, he is not perfect by any means.
His current house is complete chaos, literally. He tries more now than he use to and I even told him you contributed to this mess, he admits he did and is trying to correct it. I have sat there and literally witnessed his mom just say hey I am going to Florida I bought a ticket and not talk to anyone about it. I have seen her be the last one to go to bed and leave candles lit in the house. Lucky that night I wanted water and saw it so I blew it out. I have seen her leave the pet gate open on purpose to the dinning room, she thinks the dog will not go in there, well he did and pooped all over the floor. When it came to cleaning it up she was like hey it is your dog (my SO). She knew leaving the gate open was wrong. I have just sat and watched and not said anything. My SO's sister and his dad a really supportive of him making decisions and what not, for some reason his mom ignores him. I have no clue why. Not my house so I roll my eyes way back into my head when I am alone.
I already know my dance classes may not be a possibility with him traveling. As for girls night I have plenty of friends and family in the area, including my own mother that have all ready offered to help me when I need it. I have a really strong support system heading into this. My mother has already offered her services if I need it, she is excited as her two grandbabies live several states away. I probably will take her up on it once in a while. I may not get the full reality of situation because I have not lived it yet. I do know what I am giving up and what I am gaining in return. If I have to take Grammy for hair well I will just take him with me. Not a big deal.
What I get out this relationship.....Have you ever met a person who makes you laugh like all the time your are together, or someone who just gets you and works with it instead of trying to change it. Have you ever met a person who makes you feel like you are the center of his world when it is just the two of you. His faces lights up when he does something that makes you happy. I get out of this relationship something I never had in my last two relationships, that is someone who supports me, someone you appreciates me for everything that I am and that I do for him and his son. He is far from perfect but he is truly perfect for me. I am sure you noticed I am a control freak he knows this he balances me out and will call me out when I go overboard. We fit. Him and I fit together. I have not felt like this with anyone in my life. I am 31 one so I am not baby, young still but not a baby. The only other guy I have ever met that is like my SO is my stepdad. An honest, good heart, down to earth man, who simply wants to have a good home and happy family. He treats me the way my stepdad treats my mother, with admiration, love and respect. Pretty sure I am getting a lot out of being in a relationship with him.
I have a question for you
I have a question for you just came to me. I am mostly upset going up there and watching my SO not be respected as much as he should in my opinion. I have said many times he was not perfect but he is trying really hard and he started to even before I came along.
Do you think it is right for his mom to just out right ignore him and go against what he wants in front of his son? Is that a good lesson to show his son? Oh it is o.k. you do not have to listen to daddy?
Hence why it is anonymous. He
Hence why it is anonymous. He has been saving for the last two years to move out. That has been is plan before me and he was already looking at houses before he met me. He did put on his big girl panties. He has not been happy for a while with his situation, but he sucked it up for what it is because he was saving to buy a house because he thought it would be better to but instead of rent. I can not fault him for that. I rent currently and have a hard time saving much towards buying a house.
He makes the effort she just still does what she wants. Yeah it is cushy as in he does not have to pay any bills really, he has free child care at his disposal. The not so good of it all. He is confined to his room because it is literally the only place in the whole house he feels like is his. When the dog acts perfect all is good. When the dog does something wrong he gets blamed even if it was his mom who let him down in laundry room and dog ate sock and now is sick. Somehow that is my SO's fault. She also wanted the dog by the way. He has no privacy, she use to listen at his door when we were on the phone together, so we texted a lot.
Yes parts of it are great when it comes to finances and having help with his son. Do you know any grown man who really still wants to be living at home with his parents?
I would find it hard to
I would find it hard to respect a man who does not even supply most of the food for his kid. Not to mention all of the free babysitting and rent. What is to respect? The fact he has a job? Set your bar higher.
Believe me him and I have had
Believe me him and I have had these discussions and I flat out told him that it was crazy he does not pay for things. It is his whole family dynamic it is like that. His parents do not even ask for it or do anything about it either.
Yo would really have to see the whole family dynamic to get it. I blame him but I also blame his parents for enabling him this long as well. He does pay all medical expenses, all sprots activities, clothing, books, everything for his son. I know how it sounds I do.
I can also get the finacial harship of being a single parent I had one. He gets no support from this kids mom. I think his parents wanted to help him save money to get his own place and this is what they did. Hell I am 31 and my parents do small things for me all the time. I am on a family cell plan and my mom still does not ask me for money for it to this day. I have offered, she just says it is ok.
I do respect a man who got an 18 year old girl pregnant tried to do what was right and be with her when he was 20. She cheated on him while pregnant and left him and eventually few weeks after baby born left him too. Took time but SO went back to school got a techinal degree got a better job, trying to get an even better one as I type. I can respect someone who stayed and while not perfect has taken steps to better his life for him and his son. Yes he had help many single parents need it. Especially a man with a little infant who never changed a diaper before that.
He is waiting until his son
He is waiting until his son is done with the school year. Next year hewill be in a different dstrict. He would move now but everyone agrees it is best to finish out the school year. He is not going to jsut move in with me and leave his kid behind.
He is taking action now. Signing on a house literally in a few weeks. I think that is action there. He sends out resumes like everyday for a new job to no travel, that is action, he told his family that things will be changing he appreciates everything they did but he wants to do this for him and his son.
Why it took several years I am not sure. My guess mainly traveling with the job he has is why he stayed. I know he discussed it with his parents before he took that on and they agreed to help.
He makes ok money not a fortune but not a ton either. If he did live alone with his son it would be very very tight. I honestly not entirely sure how he would manage, between a car payment child care house payment food clothes on and on yeah he would be living in poverty. He gets not support from her. He would figure it out but it would not be easy and his son would probabaly have to give up things as well.
As for bills once we move in spliting them. I told him I am not paying for child care, sports things, stuff directly related to his kid. I also told him your dog you deal with it. I am not taking care of it and you need to teach your son how to clean up poop and take care of the dog as well. I am not. I do not expect him to take care of my animals either.
I am not just rolling over and just taking care of everything. After being on this forum I spoke up and said things to him about concerns and what I expect and he expects. Coming here has helped me to bring up topics with him and help me say no way buddy to certain things. Mainly the dog I do not want to deal with it much.
ash- how old is (stb)ss?
ash- how old is (stb)ss?
(stb) SS is 8.
(stb) SS is 8.
i know most kids LOVE all the
i know most kids LOVE all the crap the grandparents feed them, but he is old enough that perhaps your SO can start teaching him how to say "no thanks grandma, is there something else i could eat?"
i understand his reason for needing to hold out four more months. i dont know if four more months is a hill to die on as far as the routines between grandma and ss. once SO moves out, it will only be occasional visits with ss to g-parents' house and will be even less of an issue if she keeps spoiling him...
yes, maybe your SO has stepped up tremendously in the parenting department. that is great. but his parents are not going to change overnight and respect him as a dad when they've been doing most of the work until recently. you also dont want to be the motivating force behind so many large changes that they perceive as negative, and could very well hold it against you and target you.
yes, they need to respect your SO as ss' ultimate parental authority. but i believe that will happen naturally and organically once he moves out after the school year.
Thank you for the support. It
Thank you for the support. It is a mix of things that are the motivation. His parents are selling their house and moving to FL in a few months was the big one. They are moving down as soon as it sells. Them moving is what pushed us into finding a place, we wanted to wait another year.
He wants to buy and not rent. I told him if he bought a house where he is no point in continuing this relationship. I love you but I have a job that I love and I am happy I will not commute and hour. At first it was like OK no rush let's see where things go an decidea that later. Well two months later his mom was like yup I am retiring they went you FL to visit her parents came back and said they bought a house down there and we're getting thenough house here ready to sell.
We had a serious talk than. Both wanted to keep this relationship and both decided to meet in the middle of our jobs.
Is your SO supplying his
Is your SO supplying his son's food? That could be a help.
Otherwise, butt out. Don't go if you don't want to.
No, not always he does go out
No, not always he does go out and buy things when he has to. Both his parents are retired now so they pretty much go out and buy all the food. I do butt out I really do not say much when I am there about how the house runs. I just sit watch and talk to my SO later about things and how it will be when we live together. What his thoughts are and what mine are and trying to come up with a plan.
I know things will change but I think it is a start.
I guess I will have to wait
I guess I will have to wait and see. I know when his mom suggests the whole coming up and visiting and/or staying all summer to help he has said not at least once. I know he really wants away from his parents and sister. Not forever but space from it all, all the time. I know he has commented out loud a lot "4 months and I do not have to deal with this anymore" or "I can not wait only 4 more months".
I know that he will miss them. Do grandparents really just invite themselves to do stuff like that?
Go read Superjew's post. The
Go read Superjew's post.
The grandparents and sister have been defacto PARENTS for this kid. The father has been much less involved.
You are gonna find that he is probably going to continue to be uninvolved.
It just seems like you have this fantasy in your mind of a ready-made family where you will get to call the shots as a mother. I don't think it's going to happen the way you think.
You keep saying "wait and see". Well, sometimes the writing is on the wall and we can foresee the likely outcome.
It's like the doctor telling you that if you don't treat the cancer it will grow. You say well, we will wait and see... um.. the cancer is going to almost certainly grow. right?
I have read her posts read
I have read her posts read mine, please. I am hoping for the bast not a fantasy.
He has said that to everyone
He has said that to everyone and his Dad and sister seem really good with it. The sister you can tell is struggling some with the change but is excepting it more. His mom just does whatever she wants. She is nice to me.
Wait a minute. BF's mom has
Wait a minute. BF's mom has welcomed you into her home. You are free to come and go as you please. Now that she is hinting at doing same in your home, you are saying hell no. Why aren't you willing to treat her the same way she treated you?
Sorry, but your BF sounds like an ass. He was perfectly fine with his mom bending over backwards to help raise his son for 8 years. Now that he has found a woman willing to play mommy, he wants to ACT like he can't wait to get away from her.
You are kidding yourself if you believe his comments about his mother. He id simply saying what he thinks you want to hear. If he were so sick of his mother or disagreed with the way she parents his son, he would have moved his ass out a long time ago. If things do not work out between the two of you, he will run his sorry butt right back to mommy and sissy to help with his son.
First off when I am there at
First off when I am there at her house I respect her rules and will be good with it. I do not come in go, I am there maybe every other weekend and it is planned out ahead of time. I stick very much with my boyfriend and his son when I am there. If she wanted to come up for dinner every so often or visit for a week great. She mentioned staying with us all summer. Literally right when we are moving in together for the fist time. I think that is way more than what I am doing.
I am not going to be playing mommy. Have you read my stuff?
Nope I am not kidding myself when it comes to his mom. His dad says the sames things and so does his sister. I told him many times now you created this environment, so now you need to deal with it and try to make the best of it for four more months. He is not an ass, that I know.
If things go south he will not be running back to mommy and daddy as they will not be around for him to do that.
He is waiting 4 months so he
He is waiting 4 months so he does not switch his son mid-school year. I support that. The house we are moving into will not be ready until end of March. To ease the transition him and his son will spend weekends at the new place until school year ends.
I do not really have to. I do
I do not really have to. I do like to see him and spend time with him and is son. I have gone up there for just the day before and go home. He was down at my place last weekend so my turn to go up there. I can say no, I know he really wants to see me and so does his son. Son has a sport game sat morning. SO and I did agree that when I move into the new place first weekends will be spent there as it is 25 minutes from where he lives now. New place is between both our jobs and I know people in that school district and have family near so we both thought it would be a good place.
Financially he would have to
Financially he would have to rent a very very tiny apartment for him and his son as well as probably get rid of the dog, or buy a very very small house, like a townhouse or rowhome. Not a bad option for him.
I will not move in what would be another man's house and give up all my security in life and hope and pray he would not say my house get out. Yeah no I am not putting myself in that situation either. Not saying he is even close to that type of guy but I am looking out for me in all this as well.
He knows that I am not doing much of anything once we move in together. He has demonstrated adulthood, he saved his money instead of spending, he never brought a girl into his sons life until he was sure that it may have a chance of going somewhere, that was me. he went back to school to better himself, he has held down a job at the same place for 4 or 5 years now. he pays his car payment on time every month and was able to get the loan on his own. (I can say my first car I bought my mommy and daddy cosigned for me). Pays his cell every month and is the primary person on it. His parents pay him for their share. Not perfect by any means but not a total boob who has had mommy and daddy literally do everything for him in is life. I can not totally judge him. I lived at home until 28, moved out for a short while to live with a guy for 9 months. Guess what went crawling back to mommy and daddy, where she still did my laundry and folded it for me.
I also flat out told him he will be setting up the electric, the cable, trash pick up, I will give him my portion of the bills every month but he will be responsible for paying everything for the first year not me. He will also do the grocery shopping for him and his son. I also said anything related to his son he will have to take care of. Now if he is at work I will obviously pick up his son, feed him and take care of him. I said if you are home one night and my friend says hey lets grab a drink, I am going. I flat out said I am a glorified roommate the first year until I feel that you are good and can really take care of things.
His sister has not been a substitute mom his son never saw her that way. A very overbearing involved aunt yes, she has very much already just taken a step back and more of just the aunt. That part is good.
I may regret it. I may not I will not know until it happens. Him and I both sat down discussed in depths on what would make us both happy with the living arrangements and what we both could live with and what made both of us feel safe and secure. Also what is best for his son too. This is what we came up with. Some people do not agree, I know we have the support of his family and my family and many of our friends as well.