you're not alone, just know that. You can try to force something that isn't there or just accept it as it is and try to make the best of it. I know its hard love and accept a child that is not biologically yours especially when they remind you of their awful mom. Keep in mind the child is brainwashed by her mother so she's been trained to emulate her mom's behavior which is also hard to watch. When rejection is there on both parts, its very difficult to form a bond. I encourage your husband to assist in facilitating a relationship between you and his daughter.

Please don't feel bad about not bonding with your SD. I totally understand how you feel.
When I was married to my XH, He had a daughter from a prior marriage. We had an instant bond. I loved that child probably more than I loved XH. I ended up raising her full time and went through all the hard stuff with her.

Fast forward several years. I divorced my XH and many years later I met and married a wonderful man with 3 sons. I kept waiting for that moment when I would feel the same toward them as I did my former SD. It never happened. In fact the opposite happened. The more time I spent with them, the more I despised them. They were impossible to love. They rejected me immediately and BM didn't help the situation. She Left my DH for someone else yet wanted him to remain her puppet. I was an obstacle that they didn't want in the way.

It has been 5 years and the relationship between my SS's and myself is still non existent. I too felt horrible and that there was something wrong with me. Even though I have proven that I can love and care for step children, I felt I was doing something wrong. After years of trying and being rejected, I gave up on that idea.
I have disengaged and can finally say I have found peace. I don't care if they like me, love me or hate me. I don't keep DH from seeing them as long as he doesn't expect me to take care of them or pretend we are one big happy family. Even DH is seeing how manipulative and rude they are. But I don't come between them ever.

Just give yourself a break and understand you can't always bond with them. Just be police, courteous and kind and let DH parent the child. Your job is back up (if you chose) and his job is to parent.

When I first started dating my SO - he flat out told me that his eldest was "difficult", and that he did not want to go out of his way to include her in any activities. He told me also that his youngest was "easy" and "loving". I had no experience. I love the youngest dearly - she is indeed easy to get along with, and loving. She enjoys having me join in activities and conversations. She is a sweet, generous, kind soul and we connect on so many levels.

The opposite is true with the eldest. I see her as rude, disrespectful, selfish, demanding, mean, a liar, incompetent, immature, and I cant stand it when she so much as laughs or breathes. I wracked my brains and my heart, after so many arguments I agree - the guilt is hard, but you HAVE to come to terms with reality and make peace with it. So much is causing you anger, you are perhaps projecting those emotions onto the little one. You CANNOT and MUST not try to be "Mom". She has a mom. My So also told me that his ex was "trailor trash". "Lazy". That is true. But he also told me "shes a good mom to the girls, and that was the most important thing."

Now that I have made it clear to my SO that I will not try to "mother" his kids, the pressure is off! He has been a little lazy, and I felt like I had to help take up the slack, but I don't anymore.

You sound like you are putting yourself under a TON of pressure. Take a step back. Love your mate, and learn to "like" the child. You do not have to love the child like your own.

late to the party - simply disengage....

no reason you have to bond with SD, she's not your child and not even blood related, leave the upbringing and parenting to your DH, if he complains laugh and say - she's not my kid, she's yours deal with it or give her away for adoption..... then enjoy your child free life.... skid free life....

You are setting yourself an impossible task: Ready, set, love!

It doesn't work that way and sorcerers the world over have been trying to come up with the potion that would work since time began.

You are also allowing yourself to be put in a very losing position. Many, many people here have done something similar, cared greatly about a stepchild and provided untold services, only to have the child turn on them one day.

Read up about Loyalty Binds and see what a vice the child is in. The bm doesn't like you? There's a loyalty bind in your future if there isn't one already.

Dad needs to step up. He needs to do 2 jobs: Husband to you/Dad to kid. They are separate jobs.

Currently you only have one job: Wife to him. Do not accept the trap he is setting for you (I know he's not doing this with mal-intent, he just doesn't know any better) by "accepting" the mirage job of mom to a kid who has one.

It took me over 3 years to bond with my stepdaughter, and I only bonded with her because my DH stopped pushing it as an obligation and let us grow as friends first. Even then, I wouldn't have been able to bond with her if he didn't parent her - teaching her basic manners, cleaning up after herself, etc. I explained to him one day that I simply couldn't be around her if she didn't behave. I told him that honestly, kids are a nuisance at best, and if they're not behaved, nobody will like them like he does. He's the one with a biological bond, so he can look past crappy behaviour sometimes, other people can't. When I explained that, he started to understand that she as a person needs to be likeable for a bond to form.

You need to stop being so hard on yourself and putting yourself under all this pressure! Read through posts on this site and you will see how many step parents feel the same as you about their stepkids, and how many also face the unrealistic expectation that they should have this magical unconditional love for children who are not theirs.

As a full sm of 10 years to 3 boys as well as having my own bd24, I can tell you that "loving your skids as your own" never happens in 99% of step situations. I am fond of my ss's, I care about them and want the best for them, but the feelings I have for them are nothing like the love I have for my own daughter even though she's an adult with her own life. Sounds like your partner is also playing into the fantasy of you being his daughter's "mother" which is just putting more unrealistic expectations on you, even if he's not doing it intentionally. I think a lot of parents whose ex is a crappy parent to their kids genuinely wish the kids' step parent could be their real parent but, as in my dh's case, know that as much as they might wish this to be the case, it never can be. I personally think the only time you can truly take on your skids as your own is if the absent parent is dead and you choose to adopt them, and even then it's not going to be simple or easy.

In your case, the bm is very much alive and happily screwing with her daughter's life because she thinks it's ok to put her hatred of her ex and you above her love for her daughter. Sadly there's not much you can do about that and it will impact on sd's behaviour when she's with you. Being manipulated and probably emotionally abused by her mother is not her fault, but her dad needs to parent her when she's in your home - firm rules and boundaries, consistent consequences for breaking those rules and zero tolerance for disrespecting you and your home. If he's not prepared to do that, then I don't see your situation getting any better.

I feel for you. Like the others, you're in for a rough road as long as you set up unrealistic expectations--and that goes double for him re your role. He's the parent. Let him parent. The psychology of feeling like an outsider in your own home may get to you now but it will change I think if you have children together. In time, you may feel more comfortable and it may change the dynamic you're experiencing. I had an ex boyfriend who got a stepdaughter every summer. Oddly, years after we broke up, she sought me out as a young adult. It was a wistful experience and gratifying to feel that this girl (7 at the time) could see my situation when she became an adult. However, for many years after that, I refused to date anyone that had children from a previous relationship. I mistakenly thought adult stepchildren would not be a problem. I could not have been more wrong. Your husband may overlook or justify bad behavior from time to time. It's perfectly within your right to insist that you would no more excuse them than any other adult. Part of the job of raising a child properly is to raise them to be kind and polite to everyone. DH is acutely aware that he made mistakes in this regard. The SD mental illness doesn't help matters. Do your best not to feel like a victim. Then don't be one. Good luck; we will all be rooting for you!

When he said "I want you to be her mother" that was a sign that this was not right for you. My DH is the same. His kids are grown but he sees how i raise my kids and think he can get a do-over. He eve encourages them to come over when he sees me doing stuff with the kids so that they can reap some of the benefits. I feel that if they have able bodied moms that just dont raise them well, tough luck. They're adults know and its not my responsibility to introduce them to a way of life just because they didnt get that opportunity when they were little.

Don't feel bad. Disengage.

Society and some men put this on stepmothers. Your DH saying he wants you to be her mother, that was not OK. You are not and will never be her mother. She has one, maybe not a good one but she has one. Her mother does not want her to love you or even like you. She feels threatened especially those not so good mothers, they know they are not all that and so any stepmother must be demonized in order for them to feel ok. That was my experience.

So, nobody wants a stepmother. The only advice I can give is to disengage. Don't worry about her, that's her parent's job. No teaching her stuff, maybe if she directly asks for help ok but don't look to get points for teaching her stuff or 'helping', it just isn't worth the fall out. As far as your feelings when she comes to visit, I don't think you can change that but you can teach yourself to stop caring about it and worrying about your lack of bonding. She is not your child and you naturally won't have that bond. Divert yourself with things you like to do and grit your teeth until she's gone again.

What are the specifics of her behaviour that are grating on you? Sometimes those things ARE important because the way you cope with your feelings about that can be changed or managed in a better way. i.e. food and meals issues, clothing between houses issues, that kind of thing are common in step families.

My expectations were so high as yours, after 8 years & 3 kids with my DH, nothing changed.
Also SD has psichological issues and developed an angry defiant behaviour + selective mutism, never treated until last weeek.
There is a chance, your relationship with her will never change, so for ýour mental sanity try to disengage.
This is a good blog to seek help. We are here for you, to read & understand your feelings and you can have a second opinion!
All the best for you.

I've been in your shoes - still am as I've also never bonded with my step-daughter and I've been in her life for 10 years now! The best thing you can do for yourself is to take the pressure off yourself to feel anything because as others have said - you can't force it.

I also thought because I love DH so much that I would love his kids but that's just a fantasy. I don't mind my SS, he's a nice enough kid and I can't stand my SD. Because I've been in their lives since they were in nappies they both view me as their third parent which complicates it all the more as it means I have to fake it A LOT!

It sounds like your husband might need to spend more time with his daughter. I mean if you're doing all those things, he's not doing them. And that sends a message to her. And it's probably why she acts out the way she does. She wants his attention, and feels it's the only way to get it. You've become an obstacle--not by choice, but by situation. Also, if you're doing less of the parent things, it might be easier for you to bond with her. You'll find yourself dreading weekends less when DH is doing the parenting stuff, and you're doing your own thing and spending time with her when you feel like it (rather than doing it because you have to) and she'll feel less need to act out to get attention when she's actually getting it.

Your job isn't 'parent'. That's your husband's job. Helping out is fine, but it should be at your own discretion. You shouldn't feel obligated to do it because you're a step-parent.

Bonding takes time. And it may never happen. Someone once said to me that you don't fall in love with your spouse instantly, so you shouldn't expect to fall in love with someone else's kid instantly either. And I think that's good advice.

I completely understand you 100%!!! I cannot seem to bond with my husband's daughter either despite trying. What makes matters worse in my situation is that we found out she's not biologically his a few months ago which adds to me not being able to bond with her as I feel like why should I even try more for a child that's not his. She also comes over every other weekend & I also hate the feeling I get by just thinking the weekend is approaching. I try to leave the house & go to my parents house but that causes even a bigger fight with him as he wants me around. I've tried to explain to him a million times that he should just hang out with her one on one & doesn't necessarily need me around but he just starts getting mad & basically tells me to grow up & accept her.

its not your fault.

whatever the reason is, you have done your best.

its not your job to be the girls mother or parent or best pal.

step back and let your so do the parenting.