Relationship with kids - new to me
This is the first time I have ever been in a relationship with kids. My BF and I have been dating for 2.5 years he has two daughters (13 &15 yrs) from previous marriage of 18 yrs. I am divorced (15 yrs.) with no children. My BF and I live together and he sees his girls every other weekend. His girls are well behaved 95% of the time they are with us and do respect me and I give them mutual respect in return. When my BF moved in I told him that I refused to try to takeover and be a second mom to his girls. When his girls are there I let him do all the cooking and planning of weekend events. He does not believe that the step parent should discipline the kids. I told him I was fine with that, if I want to discipline children then I would have my own! I guess my issues are that he has no boundaries with his daughters and at their age still cooks for them and if they don't like the meal has prepared he will scrap it and make something that they like. The youngest one tests him all the time. We can be eating dinner and she will ask for a refill of water. He will jump up refill the water and as soon as he is going to sit down she will ask for something else and he will allow this to go on for two more times. That irritates the heck out of me, but I refuse to get involved. There are times when they get snotty with him and I have to bite my tongue. I have discussed these issues and others that have come up such as over spoiling, and sassing back with him and suggested that he set boundaries with the girls. Told him that I'm not trying to takeover and be a parent but he has to remember that it is not just the three of them in the house. Their behavior affect me also. I mentioned that allowing the girls to walk all over him and take advantage is not good for them and their future. As a father he has certain roles/lessons to teach his daughters. I have been trying to disconnect from his daughters so that maybe these issue won't affect me so much. I do not want to be a mom to them, I'd rather them see me as friend and later when my BF and I get married I would like them to see me as a big sister, NEVER A STEP MOM! Am I wrong for feeling the way I do.
I was pretty much in this
I was pretty much in this exact same situation for the first 2 years of my relationship. DH daughters were 10 and 13...they, especially the younger daughter, had DH on his toes, constantly asking for things at the dinner table. Yes as soon as he would sit down, younger SD would say "I want a glass of milk," not even ask, just demand. Sure enough he would get right up and get it for her. Often he would say something like "do you want a big glass or small glass, baby?" It drove me crazy because I knew she was doing it on purpose and he was oblivious or just too much of a pushover to say anything. My advice, try doing the exact same thing as the SD to your DH. As soon as he sits down ask him for something the same exact way that the she does...trust me he'll see whats going on quick and probably not like your example one bit. She will also see what's going on and most likely not like that you are treating her daddy so poorly. If they're both not too pissed off, try opening the dialogue with SD....why is it ok for her to treat him like that and not you...the hypocrisy will be undeniable, so try going from there.