New to this site...my situation is slightly different
I am so happy to have found this thread. I am dating an older man, we are not married, but have been together for 5 years. His daughter is 8 and she is the bane of my existence. I have 2 kids (16 and 13), but they are older and my son does not live with us full time. When we first started dating, I was fine with her. But then we tried living together, it did not work out (house was too small, no privacy), so my kids and I moved out and lived with a roommate for about a year. We are now on round 2 of living together as one big family and while it is not terrible, I can definitely relate to what some of you are going through. I can't stand it when she is around. My boyfriend claims that I am "cold and distant" and doesn't know why. I admit that it is very hard for me to communicate that "I don't like your daughter." But I have tried to relay that information to him. I just know that if the tables were turned, and he couldn't stand my children, I would be so hurt and completely devastated. I definitely sympathize with the guilty-feelings that you all are having, as I am consumed by guilt. The reason why it's especially difficult is that the girl is a good kid! She is polite, has nothing but love for me, is as quiet as a mouse and doesn't ever display any bad behavior. So I know it's me! I know part of it is jealousy and my own insecurities. He constantly brags about how smart she is and wonderful and I just don't want to have anything to do with her. She is a constant reminder of his ex. And we are not married - no plans to get married - so I am particularly sensitive to the fact that his ex had something with him that I will never have. His ex is even nice! Some of the advice I get is to try to develop a bond with her that doesn't involve him...but I just don't want to! I have no interest in anything she does. I am jealous of the time and attention that she gets. I hate when she crawls into bed with us. I try to go out with friends or do my own thing on the weekends that she is with us. But sometimes even that is not enough. I get a small break from her every week, but I am finding that it is just not enough. I secretly hope that she eventually goes to live with her mother full time. It is the only thing that stands between me & my boyfriend's otherwise blissful relationship. It would be helpful to hear some coping strategies...what do you all do when it gets to be too much
this is not the relationship
this is not the relationship for you hon, accept it and move on, it's never going to change, you will always feel like this, so why suffer?
No man is worth it
"I hate when she crawls into
"I hate when she crawls into bed with us."
That right there would be reason enough for me to maintain my own residence. An eight year old should not be crawling into bed with you unless under dire circumstances (illness, etc.).
Kindly knuckle-drag your way
Kindly knuckle-drag your way back under the bridge you emerged from. Troll...
It's totally okay that you
It's totally okay that you don't like his daughter. I don't like a lot of kids. But Fruit is right. You're not doing anyone any favors by staying in this relationship. Her bratty behavior, like sleeping with daddeeeee, will only get worse.
Your boyfriend is apparently in a relationship with a girl and you're more like the girl on the side. I think that is the root of your feelings of jealousy and insecurity.
You are not a bad person for disliking this child. But I think you'll be better off if you start dating other people.
Hmm...interesting comments.
Hmm...interesting comments. Was hoping for some more helpful advice. I know that it will not change, but I am hoping it will get easier as she gets older. And just to clarify: I don't hate the child. It's difficult to describe. I just don't feel like I can be close to my boyfriend when she is around. I've told him this, and while he is very understanding, we still haven't come up with a feasible solution. And so in the meantime, I am quiet and stay out of the way when she is with us. But it is damaging our relationship. I don't want to move into my own place again. We are very happy together. I just need either more support and understanding from him, or motivation to bond with her somehow.
your jealousy is damaging
your jealousy is damaging your own relationship - not the girl..
maybe there will be hope if you accept the fact that your partner had a child with another woman and a life before you, this girl is not your competition, she's a child, you are an adult.
I appreciate the book
I appreciate the book recommendation. Please let me know if you have any more?
I guess what I want from him is acceptance. Yes, the dynamic will be different when she's around. I want him to acknowledge and accept that I don't have a role to play in her life (she already has a very loving, caring mother, doesn't need me) and to not push the issue. I'm doing my own thing when she is home. Don't be disappointed when I make other plans.
He has a decent relationship
He has a decent relationship with both of my kids. But they are older, and don't require as much attention. Thank you for your response, and the book recommendation. I am really trying to figure this out...it is not easy, although I know that others have it much worse than I do.
Believe me your feelings will
Believe me your feelings will not change as she gets older. My husband feels this way about my bio. He is a good kid. Been in my husband's life since he was 4. He is now 16. Drives, has a car, goes to the gym, has lots of friends, plays high school sports, but my husband "dislikes" him. He will never admit these feelings to me but they have been obvious over the years. Has little or nothing to do with him. Never attends his games, etc., etc. Do yourself and your significant other a favor and start over with a man who doesnt have children.
The climbing into bed thing
The climbing into bed thing is recent and very rare. Specifically, it's been happening because of nightmares. I hope it is not an ongoing thing.
He is really good about
He is really good about putting her back into her own bed immediately. And no, she is not a brat. She is a well-behaved kid.
As she ages, these feelings
As she ages, these feelings will not improve, sad to say. Her behavior and your own behavior will intensify. If this guy is not going to marry you why are are still there anyway? You need a man without kids and you should start planning your future, accordingly. You are not happy together if you are having these feelings, regardless of what you say.
This little girl is going to crawl into a lot more than the bed, and you better prepare now for the resentment to build.
It is nobody's fault, it just happens...but why live like this when you feel like this?
I suppose there could be some
I suppose there could be some truth to that...
I do appreciate the feedback.
I do appreciate the feedback. There is some background that I failed to give: we are both divorced with 2 kids. When we started dating 5 years ago, we were not interested in marriage. The feeling was "been there, done that" and after all, it's just a piece of paper anyway. Although my outlook on that topic has changed slightly over the past year (and I have told him that), it is still not a huge deal-breaker for me. Right now, I feel like I have the best of both worlds: when I am frustrated, I am glad we aren't married. When I am happy, I don't really care if we are married or not.
Also, he has an adult son from a previous marriage. His relationship with the son is poor, and he has since moved out, but I lived with them during that time. So I totally understand that the teenage years are coming and they are full of drama. I have a 16 year old daughter. I had absolutely no problem with the son, and wish he would come back to live with us and mend things with his father.
I do think I need a therapist. I have a hard time communicating negative feelings.
Thank you. Yes, that seems
Thank you. Yes, that seems to be what I need to investigate.
I do realize that other SM's
I do realize that other SM's would love to have polite SKids. I also know how selfish it sounds when I say that I wish she would go live with her mom full time. I know that is not going to happen, and that I should be thankful for what I have. I just thought this would be a safe place to vent. keeping the feelings bottled up inside is not doing anyone any good. I thought I would find people on this forum who are going through similar situations, and could relate and maybe even offer some coping strategies.
She is a constant reminder of
She is a constant reminder of his ex. And we are not married - no plans to get married - so I am particularly sensitive to the fact that his ex had something with him that I will never have.
You really need to try to separate the girl from what she stands for in your mind. To not like the idea of her because she represents your SO's past and his ex, is one thing, but to not like HER because of it is not fair, it's not her fault.
She is not just a reminder of the ex, she is his daughter. You have to train yourself to look at it differently.
I get it, it would be great if my DH had no kids but he does and they are their own people. I like or dislike them based on them, their own behavior, not because they are a part of my DH's past. I would not have dated him if I couldn't accept it.
If you are feeling jealous and insecure, I have to wonder if your SO is making you feel that way, somehow. If not, you just may not be able to handle a relationship with a man who has kids. There's nothing wrong with that but you need to recognize it.
I don't care what my DH had with his exes, what I have with him is completely different and he makes sure that I feel special everyday.
I wonder if you would
I wonder if you would entertain the idea that this might be due to the fact that you and he are at very different stages in life in regards to children--your kids are older, while 8 years old is quite a bit in the past for you, your kids and his older son are more or less self-sufficient and really don't need much attention from you guys to function, which means you could fully focus on the relationship while he still has one foot in the pre-pubescent parenting. What you really want is someone in the same "boat" as you, kids about to fly the coop, so you guys could focus on each other and the relationship without having to split attention.
I say this because we have a newborn and a three year old, and sometimes I want to tear my hair out (and I'm sure DH feels the same) because it's like we never have a moment alone together. It feels like it will be this way forever until they're late teens. I can't imagine how you must feel if you thought you were done with kids being the sun you guys revolved around (with your ex) and now you start all over again with a new guy.
It might be helpful if you guys go to couples counseling and figure out techniques to use so you don't feel like your time is being "stolen" away. Like have dedicated date nights, or hours during the day where it's focusing solely on the two of you, while other times it's a free for all. You give a little, take a little, so you won't feel so resentful if you recognize it's a pact/compromise you agreed to.
Yes, absolutely - my daughter
Yes, absolutely - my daughter will be 18 in a year. And my 13 year-old son only lives with us part time. That is why I keep hoping it will get better as his daughter gets older. I have expressed to him the importance I place on "our time" when she is with her BM. It is only 2 weeknights and every other weekend. As such, I am extremely disappointed when he makes plans with co-workers or to do other things when it is supposed to be "our time". I feel as if I am always the last priority. For example, he only works late when he doesn't have his daughter. Which logically makes sense to me - if he has work that requires him to stay late to complete it and he can - that's fine. But what message does that send to me? Where do I fall on his list of priorities? His daughter comes first (and she should), he will leave early to pick her up and take days off to take her to appointments, etc. But when he doesn't have her and it's supposed to be our night alone, he works late, goes to dinner with co-workers, and sometimes even volunteers to do some group outing with his daughter on a night/weekend that she is supposed to be with her mom. So if there is no daughter, and no work, and no other possible obligation....then and only then will we get time alone together. And even those nights, he is exhausted and falls asleep on the couch early! It's just frustrating and I am unhappy and I should just be honest and tell him. It's not like he is oblivious...he knows how I feel. I keep saying, "I'll try harder." But I am at the point now where I don't know if I want to keep trying so hard. Wouldn't it just be easier to let it all go? That makes me sad, too. Because I do feel like it's salvageable - and worth saving. That's why I came to this site.
But you shouldn't be the only
But you shouldn't be the only one trying and it sounds like he doesn't care to be with you. He makes other plans when he doesn't have his daughter, instead of spending that time with you.
If you felt important to him, you might not resent his daughter's existence so much. Again, HE is a lot of the problem.
You are getting scraps of
You are getting scraps of him. Whatever is left over when his daughter is not around and his buddies are not around etc. He doesn't want marriage which for a man shows that he isn't willing to fully commit to you. You don't seem like a priority based on what you say here. He will be with you when there is absolutely nothing else going on. When it's convenient for him.
This is exactly how I felt with my ex. And I left.
Now we are getting somewhere.
Now we are getting somewhere. Your last post, bitterandjaded, about him working late on your nights and going out with co-workers etc. Yes, this is the real issue.
It's not the existence of this little girl that bothers you. Nor that she represents his past. You have a past yourself, with two young'uns to show for it, and you are grown up enough to know that's life.
What really makes you bitter and jaded is that this man is showing you how he behaves when someone is important to him. And it does not compare favorably to how he treats you.
The little girl is a glowing red indicator light on your relationship -- check engine! airbag not functional! oil low! and most of all, FUEL GAUGE EMPTY!
All may not be lost. You have repeatedly said you have difficulty expressing negative emotions to him. So he may be very unaware that his abandoning you night after night hurts you. Own that word -- it HURTS. Never underestimate the power of misunderstanding, it's possible he really doesn't get it or even thinks he is doing you a favor.
So find your voice and let him know you want more of HIM.
The other possibility is what others have already mentioned. This relationship may not be robust and bubbling over with verve.
My advice is forget about the little girl for now. She is the red indicator light, not the vehicle. Focus on improving your own ability to get your needs met in a good relationship and focus on judging whether this is the right relationship for you.
Thank you, ChiefGrownup. I
Thank you, ChiefGrownup. I could not agree more with your response. It is not the little girl, she is just a symptom. I need to get better at telling him when and why I feel hurt.
*Just as a side note, I notice that when it is "that time of the month" for me, I tend to get super-irritable and complain more about the little girl. Easy target, I suppose.
Good luck with it, B&J. You
Good luck with it, B&J. You can do it. Force yourself to practice the words. They will get easier each time you try. And force yourself to shut up about the nice little girl. The more you bottle in that misdirected emotion, the more you will have to vent the real emotion which is about him and you and nothing to do with her.
Right now you are getting relief by popping off about her. Cut yourself off from that. You need the fuel to get you through what is so much harder for you -- expressing your truth directly to him.
I just want to say that if
I just want to say that if you have a step kid who isn't a total monster then you are lucky! You actually have something to work with! Please remember she's a child and thinks the world of you which is half the battle!!! Try coming into a relationship where asshole children are present and won't give you a chance period.
I'll agree with some of the other posters that something else is bothering you and it's festering. This child represents the bond and commitment he had with another woman. One you may not get to have. People are funny though because to me, vows taken and paperwork don't mean a whole lot without putting in the actual work.
I can relate to some degree because I see BM in each of my skids, from looks to personality to behaviors but I know some things can't be helped. I am nice to skids, will help with things when they ask me, but I'm not mothering them. It's easier for me too because my husband's first marriage was rotten and so was his ex so there is no competition between the two of us.
Be honest with yourself. Is it possible some insecurities are creeping in?
I just want to say that if
I just want to say that if you have a step kid who isn't a total monster then you are lucky! You actually have something to work with! Please remember she's a child and thinks the world of you which is half the battle!!! Try coming into a relationship where asshole children are present and won't give you a chance period.
I'll agree with some of the other posters that something else is bothering you and it's festering. This child represents the bond and commitment he had with another woman. One you may not get to have. People are funny though because to me, vows taken and paperwork don't mean a whole lot without putting in the actual work.
I can relate to some degree because I see BM in each of my skids, from looks to personality to behaviors but I know some things can't be helped. I am nice to skids, will help with things when they ask me, but I'm not mothering them. It's easier for me too because my husband's first marriage was rotten and so was his ex so there is no competition between the two of us.
Be honest with yourself. Is it possible some insecurities are creeping in?
Yes, I know. I came off
Yes, I know. I came off sounding like some kind of nasty, bitter person when in actuality, that's not an accurate picture of me. I came here initially to find a safe place to vent. I received some great feedback and just reading others stories and struggles have made me realize that my situation is really not so bad....things could be much, much worse and I credit the posters on this site with helping me to be a little bit more appreciative/grateful.