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Not A Clue What to Do, But It's UNCOMFORTABLE

sandra1's picture

So, SS17 is back from being on summer holiday with his grandma and grandpa and all I can say is, HERE WE GO AGAIN. It is SO uncomfortable. Is this crap normal????

1. He won't come out of the basement. I mean like he will go ALL weekend where he doesn't emerge. I frankly don't even know when he eats or pees. When he gets home from school, it's straight to the basement where he stays all night until he hears us go to bed.

2. He doesn't eat with the family. He makes an excuse EVERY SINGLE night and DH always says, "ok". This irks me to no end because then he pops up later at night when he hears us all go to bed and messes up the kitchen.

3. He's already starting with his school rebellion crap. He had an assignment due the first day of school. DId it get done? NOPE.

I know the answer is to disengage, but his behavior makes me uncomfortable. I feel like everything is all pins and needles and frankly concerning. His dad doesn't do anything with him. So when he isolates, he talks to no one and I mean no one. His dad might check on him in the basement for like a 20 minute stretch on the weekends, but that's about it.

I don't want this kid going all postal or something. Normal teen boy crap? Or should I be concerned?

Rags's picture

Exactly. Many of these kids and even adults prefer someone elses world and immagination to their own. We took care of this by disconnecting our kid. No internet... no escapism for chronic gamers who prefer the virtual world to the real.

Were my kid not in the military I do not believe he could function. Having a structure with authority that can make him miserable is very motivating for him. If he could just shrug and not have someone in authority to climb his ass ... he would stay tuned out of the real world permanently.

As it is he does very well in the military and is advancing nicely with fairly regular recognition for his performance. We have our first big hurdle in about 9mos. He will either have to re-enlist, extend, or get out. His mom and I and many others feel that if he chooses to get out it will be the worst decision he will ever make and he will regret it for the rest of his life.

None of us are sure if he can actually function in the private sector world.. at least not at 14yo. Mayby in another 15-20 years.

hereiam's picture

A lot of people are loners, it doesn't mean they are going to go postal.

Messing up the kitchen at night would piss me off and I would definitely lay down some rules.

Why does your husband not interact with his own son? Does anybody know what the kid has lined up for his future? College, job?

Seems he stays out of your hair but I would want to know his launching plan.

sandra1's picture

I don't know why he doesn't interact with his son. It's always been that way and always bugged me. It's almost like they have zero clue what to say to each other. I suggest things like, why don't you two go fish (SS17 does like to do that), but DH never engages on that level.

DH is a clinger. He's always up my ass. I think some of the reason he doesn't do anything with his son is because he never wants to be away from me which drives me ape 90 percent of the time.

I suppose all of this could be normal teen stuff, but I know for a fact he doesn't act that way at his grandma's. I've seen it. He's like a different kid down there.

I TOO am dying to know a launch plan. With no job, no ambition to find one and barely passing school each and every year, I'm betting my ass he'll be around well into his 20s.

hereiam's picture

Sounds like you have a DH problem, he needs to engage with his own son. Maybe he can get some pointers from the grandparents.

WalkOnBy's picture

It's ASS version 2.0

OP - my SS18, aka ASS, did the same thing, right down to messing up the kitchen at night. NEVER left his room, NEVER came out to pee.

This is on your DH. You need to disengage in everything except the launch plan.

sandra1's picture

ASS - lol.

It's just freaking odd! So hard to disengage. Not to mention hard to disengage from the smell permeating from the basement! Makes me insane!

sandra1's picture

I should also mention he's obsessed with knives and just posted a big ole' confederate flag in his bedroom. He's NOT from the south and he's claims he's a proud redneck. Right. We live in the freaking city.

hereiam's picture

Obsessed with collecting knives or throwing them at people? There is a definite difference!

CatchyUserName's picture

I would say some of this is normal. I have a SS16 and if he had his way he would never leave his room or look up from his phone, ever. And he is also obsessed with knives and says he is a proud "redneck", etc. Thankfully I only have him EOW and I do have an engaged DH so I pretty much ignore him. The staying in the room thing...pretty normal for a teenage boy. The flag...he just wants to do controversial things to annoy you. Teenagers are trying to figure out who they are and a lot of that is based on how much they can annoy their parents. I would say that your DH needs to be more engage. He needs to know more about what he is looking at on the internet, talk to him more (even if he doesn't talk back), do more things with him and definitely put some boundaries on the evening kitchen raids. My DH keeps my SS super busy when he is at our house. He HATES it but it doesn't matter. DH won't let him sulk in his room for long. I love disconnecting the internet idea...I'm totally doing that! Smile

A lot of disengaging is training your DH (in fact I think that is most of it). When I first started to disengage, DH was a bit confused. Now he knows...I don't feed it, I don't wash it's clothes, I don't entertain it. I will be pleasant to it but he needs to parent, not me. Sounds like you need to have a chat with the DH and then let it go.

CatchyUserName's picture

Oh and I think if your SS is talking about violence or showing violent tendencies you should be concerned. Just being a loner is pretty normal. I think honestly, I fear my SS will turn into a serial killer because he is so WEIRD, but my dad who has worked with high school students for 40 years tells me most of the loner/weirdness is normal. He says to monitor their internet activity and ENGAGE so you know who his friends are, what he does in his spare time, etc. It is okay for him to be a loner...it is not okay for your DH to not be engaged.