Need some advise please.
I am a mother of two teenagers. My boyfriend has three teenagers, one in particular is an adult child of 19. The past 6 weeks her boyfriend has been sleeping over every other night, the rest of the time she goes to sleep over at his house. I find this somewhat unacceptable and uncomfortable. I have talked with my boyfriend about it and all he says is "well, she's an adult now, so she makes her own decisions." But having 4 younger teenagers in the house, I feel it's inappropriate. But he seems to be okay with it, and it drives me crazy. She doesn't really contribute much around the house, and we pay most of her bills. Am I just being old fashion or is it now acceptable to have your stepdaughters boyfriend sleep over in her bed with the door shut, under our roof?
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Absolutely not. "Not in my
Absolutely not. "Not in my house. Not while you live under my roof. Not while I am paying the rent/mortgage. " As Echo said, if SD19 is sufficiently adult to feel this entitled, then she is sufficiently adult to rent her own apartment (or room). Sure, it probably will not have the free food, free satellite, free internet, free water, free electric, free laundry, free maid, nice furniture, but she will be free to shag whomever she wants whenever she wants.
Regarding minor children at home witnessing SD19 with the latest boyfriend sleeping over --- it would hit my moral/ethical button, but each family has their own barometer. For instance, I choose not to let my BS14 watch internet porn while my ex-girlfriend thought it was no biggie to allow her son then 13 unlimited access. That is one issue.
Another issue in my mind would be that there is another 'non-biologically-related male' in the house that I have not vetted and background checked around my minor children. Opportunity for abuse just ratcheted up 33x.
In my life, SD-late 20's had moved back in with SO to "save money." She liked to bring her boyfriends home. Once she left a young man in her bedroom for 2 days while she 'hooked up' with someone else. I chose not to bring my BS-then-11 up for weekend visits for that very reason. Strange male in the same house as my sleeping minor child. Nothing happened, but the odds are too high to merely blow-off.
You are not crazy. You are not old-fashioned. What your BF is allowing due to some messed up desire for love/approval from SD19 is atypical in my world.
I couldn't disagree more.
I couldn't disagree more. When you're an adult, meaning you live on your own and pay your own bills you don't have to explain crap to anyone, not your kids, not your family, and not your friends. I choose not to be married again, why should I have to explain that to a child, whereas OP has a adult moocher living with her that expects the same rights as the adults that pay the bills. Please don't start the "living in sin" story either.
And to follow on what you are all saying why couldn't the OP tell the kid, go right ahead and follow in my foot steps, go shack up with someone and pay your own bills at your own place, the point is that the adult moocher is out of the house.
This is true but you don't
This is true but you don't get to make this about it being "appropriate" if you are doing the same thing. That is hypocritical.
BUT, the people paying the bills DO get to have a say in who is an overnight guest in the home.
On that basis, the OP might have some standing to object if she doesn't want the extra person there.
Grown adults living together
Grown adults living together is one thing. Allowing your kid, "adult" or not, to shack up under your roof is a different story.
Never, ever will I allow a child, no matter their age, to play house in MY home. If they are grown up enough to have sleepovers, they are grown up enough to get their own apartment and do it there.
When I was with my ex, in our 20s, his family STILL gave us separate bedrooms when we visited. Because we were "kids" and they didn't want us fooling around under their roof. We respected them and slept in separate rooms. When we returned to our own home we went back to sleeping together.
If she wants to live like an
If she wants to live like an adult she should do it in her own home where she pays the bill.
I have no issue with non married people doing sleep overs or co-habiting or whatever.
However I do have an issue with adults wanting to play house under their parents roof.
OP has every right to have an issue with it. If she's paying the bills and feels uncomfortable then that is well within her rights.
Echoing... Live by example.
Echoing... Live by example. You can't really expect her to do anything more than what she is taught - having BF stay or she staying with him. The younger children are just seeing her do what their parents (step and/or bio) are doing. As far as you paying her bills - NO WAY! She's 19, she's already playing an "adult" let her pay the bills of an adult too.
I a going through something
I a going through something very similar on my end and I feel the exact same way you do!! My partner has 2 kids, one of which is a 16 y/o girl and she has a boyfriend. We have the kids 1/2 weeks. He boyfriend always comes over and sleeps in my house. I really am not comfortable with him staying in my house in her bed, I have talked to my partner about it, but he won't hear a thing because his daughter is a spoiled brat and she threatens to cut contact with him if he doesn't allow her boyfriend to sleep over. He pays all her bills and gives her money for trips and shopping. I know how you feel and the only thing I could suggest would be to give your opinion to your partner and maybe he'll be more understanding than mine. At least I hope so!