DH and I arguing about Skids and BM in front of BS
I feel like I'm screwing up my own child. DH and I constantly argue over skid and BM issues, but since we can't do it in the house because the skids will hear us arguing about them or their mom, we go for daily walks to hash things out. It was fine before we had BS. But now, BS goes on our walks with us or to our couple's counseling appointments. BS sees and hears me get angry at DH and vice versa on a constant basis. DH says that BS (who is 1) is too young to be affected, but I don't think that's true. I think that he picks up the frustrated and argumentative tone of DH and my voices on these walks. Unfortunately, there are no other times to have these conversations.
Once on our walk, DH made a comment about how the skids see a healthy relationship in DH and I, which just pissed me off. We put on this front for the skids. We act like they aren't being nuisances, we act like their mother is reasonable, and we act like all these things don't affect our relationship. But BS hears all of the actual crap that goes on, even though he's too young to understand. It upsets me that DH doesn't get it.
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That would upset me, too.
That would upset me, too. But I think BS still has an advantage. He is seeing disagreements, sure, but hopefully he is also seeing resolution. What he gets is a real, intact family...warts and all... the skids get the actual messed up situation. Doesn't matter if you put on an act or not, that is the reality.
I would consider a babysitter
I would consider a babysitter for your couples counseling sessions. Personally I don't think I could really focus and take care of a 1 year old at the same time.
I don't think you're doing too much harm to your BS. Frankly I worry more about kids who never see their parents disagree, then freak out with the first fight in their own romantic relationships.
But your post does remind me of my own life. BM does one idiotic thing after another, the kids repeat it to us, and then DH and I need to just sit there and say nothing until they leave. I know you can't talk badly about the other parent in the kids' hearing but sometimes it takes all my self-control...
We argue because BM isn't
We argue because BM isn't responsible. She doesn't take skids to dr's appts or school events when they are in her custody and expects DH to do it. We have arguments because when DH does these things it's when he should be spending time with me and/or the baby. That's just some of it.
I am disengaged, but we still have arguments. I think I just feel somewhat responsible for the skids. I stop cooking for them and so they are not eating healthy in any household and SS has literally gained 50lbs in less than 4 months. It's stuff like that.
I agree, thus the arguments
I agree, thus the arguments that ensue when it doesn't happen.
This is something we struggle
This is something we struggle with. DD is a very precocious 10, and is with us 90-95% of the time. She hears and sees everything, no matter how hard we try to keep it from happening. I found out yesterday, for example, that she read DH's draft CO!
We're very careful to let her know that when we argue, we still love each other. As a PP said, we show her the resolution part of argument. We make sure that she knows that arguing is normal and OK. She sees us compromise and adapt to best and worst case scenarios. I think it will better prepare her for the future, and that's a good thing. It doesn't stop me from feeling guilty, but it makes me feel a little less bad.
Where we do see an impact is in her feelings about the skids. She knows that they and their mother are the issue, and that when it's just us, there are no arguments. She is resentful of the stress their BS puts on us, and it often makes it harder for her to deal with them.
Thanks. This is good to know
Thanks. This is good to know when BS gets older and we have to explain this stuff to him. Luckily, when he is at that age, both skids will be 18 or older, so there should be less issues and arguments about skids and BM.
Can you not hash things out
Can you not hash things out after BS goes to sleep for the night? That's usually when DH and I talk about stuff. Sometimes we do talk with BD8months around, and I've been starting to think the same, wondering when it will effect her.
On the other hand, I don't think it's necessarily a bad thing for your BS to see y'all having an argument or disagreement, I think the important part, if he does see it is that y'all can do it respectfully and come to a resolution.
It's unrealistic for kids to think that a couple never argues, however it's constructive if they're shown that, yes people argue, but it's important to still be kind and respectful and that it can be dealt with.
Uncomfortable emotions and
Uncomfortable emotions and disagreements are ok. I think it's important to teach kids how to manage their feelings, and one good way is modelling.