Would you expect adult skids (living at home) to tell you where they are or when or what time they may be home?
Would you expect your adult skids, who are living in your house, to tell you where they are going or what time they may be expected to return? I'm not talking about telling us every exact place they are going but something along the lines of "hey, going to the mall but will be back by suppertime" or "going to a friends house, be back tomorrow afternoon" sort of thing.
My personal feelings are if they are living in our house then they need to at least have the courtesy to let us know if they are leaving and what time they may be home - instead of just walking out the door and return 2 days later like SS23 loves to do. Granted when they are away at college, they come and go as they please. But is it too much to ask that they have enough respect for their father to tell him if they leave or what time they may be back?
After my divorce, I moved home to my mothers house for a short stint - and at 37 yo I told her where I was and when she could expect me to be home. Not because she asked me to but because it was a courtesy to her since she was allowing me to live in her home for a time. And yes, I paid rent, utilities, groceries, and all my own bills.
I could honestly care less to know where they are - but I get frustrated when I wake in the morning to find out that they came home at 3am and left the house unlocked all night. Or when I cook enough food for 7 people and then find out the older 3 skids had left and only 4 of us there for dinner. I wouldn't have wasted my time and effort to make that much food and could have cut the amount in half had we only known that they had left and weren't going to be there to eat.
I understand that they want to be "independent" and think of themselves as "adults" - but living in daddy's house makes them "dependents" because they are eating our food, using our water, our electric, and our gas. Is it an unrealistic expectation to want to know if they leave and when they may be back?
It is just called common
It is just called common courtesy which a lot of kids are lacking. Like you I moved home in my early 30's to help my mom care for my disabled dad. Any time I was going to be home late I made sure I told her. It is just "RESPECT" and unfortunately most kids now days don't have it.
YES, and YES. I don't care
YES, and YES. I don't care how old they are, if you live in our house you better check in where you are and when you'll be home.
Yes. I would expect that of
Yes. I would expect that of anyone living in my home.
No, it is not an unrealistic
No, it is not an unrealistic expectation. In fact, if they are living in your house than you can put whatever stipulations, expectations or rules out there. If they don't like it than they can get out.
That's the thing - we
That's the thing - we wouldn't take adult tenants into our home lol. Also adult tenants would not be expecting dinner whenever they felt like showing up. It is a privilege for them to be there.
Their comings and goings at their pleasing is starting to backfire on them. They are either missing dinner (Dh and I have impromptu date nights when its just the 2 of us) OR I cook for the number of people present and therefore isn't enough for them to join us as they are showing up as we are saying grace. Shucks, if I had only known you were planning on joining us for dinner.... you can find some PB&J in the kitchen.
Here's what happened to me
Here's what happened to me when I was 18, back visiting my parents during xmas break.
You'll have to know I fought long and hard for independence from them (they were very very strict and controlling with no "give" from them).
I was an A student.
I had jobs to help support myself since I was 16 (younger if you count farm work and other jobs).
I was not a partier in any sense of the word.
No boyfriend.
No sleazy aspect at all.
Played by the rules in most areas.
Not even a speeding or parking ticket.
So I go to visit my parents, and one night, stay out late with some friends; going to Denny's drinking Coca-Cola (I didn't drink until the next year) and talking about literature and poetry. This was before cell phones.
My parents had laid out no rules for me at all. So, since I was handling college away on my own great, with a job, with no curfew there, I figured I wouldn't have a curfew when I was home.
My dad was waiting up for me (I think it was after 1:00 am but before 2:00 am for sure) and he laid into me. It wasn't a pleasant fight and I laid out all the reasons above. Then he said I had a curfew of 12:00 midnight. That didn't go over so well because my YOUNGER SISTER'S curfew (she was the opposite of me btw) had a curfew of 1:00 AM. So he said, "You don't like my rules, then you can find your own place." I said, "Good. I will!" I did and never moved back. To this day my parents hate the fact I don't live near them.
ANYWAY - so I think, as long as the rules are clearly laid out from the start, that the young adult is allowed to discuss and negotiate and the rules are dependent upon responsibility and maturity, I'll agree.
I have to say even now I don't track the SDs comings/goings and don't see myself doing so as they get older.
I was alone when mine were in
I was alone when mine were in college. One lived at home and worked part time and paid all of his personal expenses and car insurance. Other lived on campus and worked part time and paid the same and came home during breaks and in the summer.
My rule was as long as you live in my home you will let me know if you are not coming home overnight. I am not waiting up for you. When I get up in the morning either you will be in the house or there will be a message on the answering machine telling me you are ok and have stayed elsewhere. I do not want to see an empty bed and wonder if you are ok.
If I cook and there are extras, I'll make a plate and you can micro it later. If there are no extras or I go out you are welcome to make something yourself.
It worked for us.
My adult nephew was living
My adult nephew was living with my Mom for a few years. Supposedly going to school (he did until it got too hard, and then he lied about it so he could still have free room and board while he partied). Mom charged him no rent, but expected him to help around the house in small ways (change a light bulb that required a ladder, etc.). Mr. I'm An Adult refused, would not tell her if or when he would be home, and basically did as he pleased as my 85-year-old mother was awake all night worrying about him. And would my sister intervene? No, because her little pwecious was so purfect. Would my Mom kick him out as my brothers and I urged? No, because it would hurt my sister's fee fees.
Nephew ended up spending some time in the county jail because he was so very purfect.
So, I'd say the rules of the house are up to the owners of the house. If it were me, I would want to know if somebody living with me intended to be home or not, and that's about it. Don't like the rules? Don't live there.
We have the same nephew! I
We have the same nephew! I asked just what your Mom did of him, just to help occasionally around the house, but could not get him out of bed before 3 in the afternoon. I took him all over, trying to find him a job but nothing was to his satisfaction, or they wanted to take a drug test which he would have flunked. After two weeks he called his Mom and told her I was abusing him. My Mom and Sister drove 3 hours to save him from me. One week later my Mom called his parents and told them to come and collect him. I am still blamed for not transforming him into a 'wonder' adult but am quite OK with it. Today he is deals drugs and lives off of a woman. No one in my family will trust him not to steal from them.
I agree that the rules of the house are up to the owners and would want to know if they were not going to be home for the night. A lot depends if they are helping financially or going to school. If they are not it would be wise to treat the home owner with utmost respect.
I'm probably not the one to
I'm probably not the one to talk to about this, but let me tell you I had two adult stepsons living in my home at one point they were 25 and 26. They smoked pot, drank, had girlfriends overnight (against house rules they snuck them in). They stole credit cards, went through my bathroom helping themselves to whatever, lived liked squatters. Their rooms were absolutely disgusting. They worked maybe part time,contributed nothing to the house, one dropped out of school for the 3rd time and then quit his job to "spring break" Seriously? One night it was dinner time and he brought his girlfriend over uninvited for dinner and unannounced. My husband thought it was no issue.. I grabbed my car keys and stormed out of the house. He called me and I said either they move out or I'm gone. I started calling realtors. He got the message. Guess what they are both out for several years now. They still do all the same things in fact one got a DUI last year but they don't live here.. Thank God! Now if any of my 4SS come to town, they are required to get a hotel.
If someone is a guest at your
If someone is a guest at your house, you'd expect the same courtesy of being told when they'd be coming in and out, right? I don't expect any less than my own kids.
My sister lives with my parents (she's unmarried, 25, no boyfriend, has a job, and lives in an apartment attached to the house) and she still lets them know what time to expect her home. She doesn't pay rent but takes over some of the chores, and since our aging grandfather lives at my parents house too, and my parents are out of the country on business half the year, my sister looks after him.
One thing is, if you, like us, care about home security, someone coming in and out of a house without letting people know could potentially be dangerous, especially in the dark.
It's a safety thing with me.
It's a safety thing with me. Just let me know if your not coming home or not so I'll know your ok. I've been that parent waiting to hear if it was my daughter or the neighbors daughter murdered found in the ditch down the road when she didn't come home on time. It was the neighbors daughter. That was a sad time
Yes. If they reside in the
Yes. If they reside in the house then they owe you and your DH the courtesy of letting you know when they will be home. It is common adult courtesy.
When I was in my late 30's we lived with my parents for several months after our first home sold and our second home was being completed. We let them know when we would be away and when we would be home. My mom likes to present amazing meals and we did not want her to go out of her way for us only for us not to show up.