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Bizarre Backyard Party

TwirlMS's picture

DH has always kept his distance from his former in-laws since he and I got married. This was out of respect to me and our marriage and wanting to start a new life, breaking free of the past and its painful memories.

Unfortunately, the former in-laws won't let go , and SD36 wants to pretend that nothing has changed and decides to host a party at her house with just BM's siblings and DH and I, to reminisce about old times.

We have moved on, created a new life with new friends that we socialize with and DH has inherited new brothers and sisters in law when he married me.

I put on a brave face and attended this party but it was just so forced I feel manipulated. I know they resent me for taking the place of their departed sibling in DH's life. It has to be hard for them to see. What struck me as really bizarre is when BM's brother whips out his camera and takes my picture from the side when I wasn't looking. Just me, without even asking.

TwirlMS's picture

Last time when Sd tried to force a meeting we made an excuse not to attend. Sd was furious but she didn't give up. She tried again to get them all back together.

I attended because we were In the area for another event, only had one car, and I didn't see how I could get out of it. I wanted them to see us as a unified couple, that they can't split us up, even for the day.

twoviewpoints's picture

It's not bizarre for SD to host a party that includes her aunts and uncles. This is her family. That relationship didn't end just because SD's mother and their sister died.

These people are not a disrespectful threat to you. Your husband didn't have to attend nor did you. From "I attended because we were In the area for another event, only had one car, and I didn't see how I could get out of it. I wanted them to see us as a unified couple, that they can't split us up, even for the day" , would indicate your DH was attending on his own freewill. No force. No pressure. Sure, he may have felt obligation to go for lack of a reason other than 'I don't want to', he's 50plus now. Capable of declining an invitation.

Your husband chose you to be his wife in the next chapters of his life. I'm sure he didn't do that lightly and that he loves you every much. No one really expects a widower to ride out the rest of their next 30-40yrs of their life alone. Oh ok, your SD might, but it's not realistic and nothing she says or does is going to change the fact her father has found a second chance in life to live, love and be happy.

TwirlMS's picture

She threw a major hissyfit when we declined to attend her previous "party". Prior to this one she demanded a definite commitment a month in advance, sending DH nagging reminders until the day of. She put big time pressure on us.

The bizarre part was how BM's brother snapped my picture without asking, took me by surprise, and will probably post it on social media. I found it peculiar because he didn't take anyone else's picture and promptly put his camera away as quick as he pulled it out.

twoviewpoints's picture

"She threw a major hissyfit when we declined to attend her previous "party". Prior to this one she demanded a definite commitment a month in advance, sending DH nagging reminders until the day of. She put big time pressure on us".

May I repeat:
"Sure, he may have felt obligation to go for lack of a reason other than 'I don't want to', he's 50plus now. Capable of declining an invitation."

The SD is 36yrs old. I'm sure it's not the first hissy fit Dad has experienced from his daughter.

2Tired4Drama's picture

When you say departed, I assume that is literal - your DH's ex has passed away? How long has that been and how long have you been married?

TwirlMS's picture

DH's first wife passed away over five years ago after many years of chronic illness and hospitalizations.

DH and I happily married four years ago.

2Tired4Drama's picture

This is a tough one.

On the one hand, there is a long history with these people who are still SD's family. After the loss of her mother, it is understandable she wants to try and keep her memories alive. This will hold true no matter how old she gets and how long it's been. Connections to one's mom are very powerful. She has a group of people (siblings) who also feel the same way, as does your DH to a certain extent as he was part of it all for a long time.

I also see your point, where you are looked at as being an interloper on these memories and are not particularly welcomed. Don't take this part personally, as they would feel the same way with no matter who your DH married.

I would say that if these social events are few and far between, do your best to rise above it. I do think you are right to still attend, as they do need to face reality that your DH has moved on. Be as gracious as possible, and make the visits as short as possible. Come with with an excuse why the two of you can't stay long - stop in for a drink, or only come by later for dessert, etc.

furkidsforme's picture

I think this is on you to decide how to interpret it.

#1- If the deceased BM's family is pleasant and decent to you, this could simply be SD wanting to still be involved in her aunt and uncles lives, and the aunts and uncles still care about SD and her Dad. They like you, too. Win/win/win. No reason to have attitude or act all paranoid like everyone is out to eat you.

#2- If the deceased BM's family is indifferent or outright rude to you, then they really only care about keeping in touch with SD. It's ok to tell SD that it doesn't seem her aunts and uncles are all that into you and DH, and that you don't care to continue trying to force a relationship where one is not wanted.

But to me, it sounds like this was a perfectly lovely day, and you are just looking for a way to view it as hateful and be difficult. Seriously- you are complaining because a relative, albeit by marriage only- took a PICTURE of you at a party???? HOW DARE THEY? :?

You sound like a drama queen.

TwirlMS's picture

They're not my relatives or DH's relatives. Only Sd is and she can see them on her own time anytime she wants . If you knew us, you would get that SD is the major drama queen and also has no consideration for how uncomfortable this forced meeting makes us, particularly me.

It's not like it was a big party with lots of people. It was only BM's siblings and us. No younger generation SD's age.

TwirlMS's picture

Thank you!

Especially since it wasn't a special occasion like a wedding, where it would be necessary for everyone to be in the same room. At least in that event there would be lots of people to mingle with on DH's side.

This was just a forced face to face with BM's side in a small patio.

sandye21's picture

"I don't think it's a good idea to do anything because you fear someone's repercussions. It creates resentment." I agree totally. You don't want to go. DH is not close to the ex-inlaws. Next time just say "No", and let DH handle SD's fits.

TwirlMS's picture

It's a double edged sword because I do want DH to attend parties at my sons homes.
But at least they have the common sense not to invite my ex and his siblings to the same small party.

When I had enough I moved my lawn chair to outside of the group and BM's brother must have picked up on my not so subtle hint it was time to leave.

Aniki-Moderator's picture

My cousin has a half-brother she has never met. She's 58 and the half-brother is 40. Her dad had a fling that resulted in the half-brother. While her dad spent plenty of time raising the boy (now man), she never wanted anything to do with him (it's a wound that never healed). When she got married, her half-brother was not invited. When he got married, she was not invited. They could pass each other on the street and not know they are related. Sometimes it happens.

notarelative's picture

SD is free to have parties and invite whoever she wants. You are free to accept or decline.

I'm not sure I get the problem though. Death of a spouse does not erase prior in relationships the same way that divorce does. These are still SD's aunts and uncles. They are not DH's ex in-laws. They are the in-laws of his relationship with his first wife.

It is possible for a person to maintain relationships with first spouse's family. Especially if the family is respectful of the new marriage. DH was a member of this family for many years. If they cared about him, they may not want this relationship to disappear.

Remarriage after the death of spouse does not erase the past. The key is being able to hold onto our memories while moving forward and embracing the future. Cutting reminders of a previous life out of the present life is not realistic when dealing with death of a spouse.

TwirlMS's picture

There can only be one legal marriage and an in-law relationship only exists in a legal marriage.
(I've already debated that point in another post).

sammigirl's picture

Yep, this happened for years; I put up with it for years, my fault. SD56 and SGD31 (mother/daughter) never stopped and still haven't stopped; but I did. I no longer attend these events and have not for 7 years. I let it go for way too many years and turned the other cheek, no more! In our situation, BM is living and invited as well. It is different when a spouse has passed, but sounds as if your DH is not attached at the hip with his in-laws anyway. Let SD do as she pleases and you do as you please.

You have something else to do, tell your DH he is welcome to attend if he wishes, and never blink an eye when saying no, you take charge of your own life. Until then, you are letting SD36 run your life.

Example: My DH's birthday, SIL's birthday, and Father's Day all fall within three days of each other; SD and SGD are planning a BBQ at SD's house, just up the street, the weekend before DH's birthday. DH just informed me last week; I have not been invited anyway, so guess what; I won't be going. I haven't said anything and won't start an argument. We have plans for the actual date of DH's birthday. I plan to tell DH; "You go and enjoy your kids and their family at the BBQ and we will celebrate your BD as planned", when the day arrives. It is difficult to stick to my disengagement on these occasions, but again this is good for them to celebrate all in one get-together; I have no problem with DH going at all.

If you don't want to go, don't do it; it sounds like in your post, your DH feels a bit awkward also. This is your SD36 organizing everyone's life, including your DH's former in-laws. Come up with an out for you and your DH, or let DH go and you bow out to feel better. I'm betting you and your DH can visit with SD36 without former in-laws.

TwirlMS's picture

Yes, this is her meddling , trying to force a relationship that has naturally drifted apart.

momjeans's picture

I've been in your position, on both fronts, so these are my feelings...

If BM was alive and kicking, this gathering would be uncomfortable for me. But she's not AND you could have declined the invitation. You felt pressured. I get that.

In my case, immediately after our daughter was born, BM's brother invited me, DH and the baby out to dinner. I was pressured BY MY DH to attend. I didn't want to, but did. During this dinner, BM's brother talked about how wonderful and what a good mother his sister is. She's neither of those. He also asked me if our daughter "always cried like this". She was 2 months old at the time. He's a bonafide ass, like his sister.

Now, BM's brother taking a photo of you - that's a lame and dirty move.

I'd be livid, if only because I've had this done to me MANY times. The person in my case being my FIL. He used to constantly take unexpected cellphone photos of me whenever we were all together. He'd then proceed to post them on social media where he's super chummy with all of DH's ex in-laws. I was "hell no!" and put a stop to that pronto by telling him no more, being super watchful of him with his phone and/or getting up from a table, walking away mid-sentence in a conversation, WHATEVER it took to avoid him getting a photo of me. He stopped BUT occasionally forgets and tries to pull this crap.

This sort of behavior is never okay.

TwirlMS's picture

After we had stayed 4 hours,, someone looked at their watch and announced they're leaving. everyone else followed suit. When DH tells SD we are leaving she starts to whine about why we can't stay longer. That's SD for you. Give her an inch and she wants a mile.

TwirlMS's picture

Good question. She feels a loyalty to these BM siblings and thinks her dad should too. She wants, to for nostalgia sake, recreate the past. She enjoys seeing me as the outsider?
They want to capture me in an unflattering moment. She wants to rekindle DH's love for his first wife through her sisters? Take your pick, they probably all apply.

TwirlMS's picture

Especially SDs want to continue to re thread the nest long after all the birds have already abandoned it. This is especially true if they don't like the looks of their new adult nest, they try to fly back to their childhood one and squawk for the other birds to fly back too! lol (I know I'm getting silly here.)

She wants to take back her dad and call in the reinforcements? I can only imagine how her mind works but over the last four years she resists any change as evidenced by her trying to revive her mothers life and pretend I never entered the picture.

twoviewpoints's picture

My situation was different. Not typical as in ex-family. My father died at age 55 . Mom was 53 when he died. His death was sudden (heart attack) and totally unexpected. My father's cousin and Dad were very close. Were all but inseparable growing up together... guess who became Mom's new boyfriend? Yep, Dad's cousin.

So there really was no 'ex' move on from family. All of these people had been a part (some more so than others) of Mom, sister and I for years. My paternal grandfather's brother married one of my paternal grandmother's five sisters. My maternal grandparents were included and best buddies with all the paternal bunch for holidays, reunions, summer picnics blah blah blah.

No, the first couple years were not smooth sailing for my sister and I. I did better than my sister did. New instant stepdaddy and I had our moments. It was 'don't push us and we will find our way'. We did. He and I truly cared for each and I cried almost as hard when he passed after 22yrs as I had my own father.

Who didn't make out so well was his own daughter. She refused to accept, tossed hissy after hissy. She lost out. She did it all herself.

TwirlMS's picture

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TwirlMS's picture

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TwirlMS's picture

Yes, I would call it passive aggressive. Being nosy and passive aggressive.

When I heard his camera click, I immediately turned towards him and said, "I wish you would have told me you were going to take a picture, I would have smiled and waved".
He didn't offer to delete it, or retake another, but just put his camera in his pocket without comment. Like he has a right to it?

mskaye2012's picture

I have a friend in this situation where she has been dating a guy for a year. His wife passed away from cancer 3 years ago and he has a daughter age 24, he is 51. The dad dated a lady age 37, daughter didn't like her said she was too young. The dad now dates a woman 54 and daughter is fine with it. I guess I'm wondering if there are other circumstances not specified for the daughters behavior and the motivation for them to want to take pictures.

TwirlMS's picture

I'm one year younger than DH. His first wife was one year older than him.
So, everyone should be ok with that.

TwirlMS's picture

Well, after venting on this board all morning, I brought it up with DH, using some of the comments here. Unfortunately, he exploded and refused to see this from my point of view. I tried to turn it back to him in a "how would you feel if" to get him to empathize with my feelings.

How would you feel if you wanted to maintain a friendship with SD's ex and his family and invited them all over for a party, including SD and didn't tell her they would be there? Would she be upset? DH cringed at the thought. Point made.

hereiam's picture

You are in a tough position, I am not denying that.

However, this is not an "ex's family" in the usual sense that we think of exes. Your DH's wife died, she is a former wife, not an ex wife.

I do not agree that your SD should push to maintain a relationship between her dad and her mother's family, that he would not maintain himself. If he does not want to attend these events, if he does not keep a relationship with his former in-laws on his own, he needs to explain the situation to his daughter. If they are not respectful of you, he needs to decline any invitations.

If I remember correctly, your SD is quite dependent on your DH, which he also needs to nip in the bud. So, sounds like a pretty dysfunctional relationship between your SD and DH.

notsobad's picture

I have a great relationship with exH brother and his wife.
This past weekend we all got together for a games night. DH and exBIL get along great and exSIL and I are good friends.

We would be friends with these people if they weren't exH family, we like them and enjoy their company.

It's not always about how you met people or got to know them, if you like them, hang out with them. If you don't like them, then don't.

TwirlMS's picture

Our lives have so many people that are friends with us as a couple, that DH just naturally doesn't have the time for people that were friends or siblings of him and his first wife. That is the reality in most any remarriage. You lose touch with the former in-laws, and what new wife wants to hang out with her DH's former in-laws? Sitting through endless hours while they reminisce about their past vacations together? Not my idea of a fun afternoon. They also do not want to hear about our fun new life and experiences together because it makes them feel the absence of their loved one.

When DH married me, he inherited two sons, six (and counting) new grandchildren, a mother-in-law, two sisters-in-law, brother-in-law and a whole new church family as well, since he joined my church after we were married and we spend a lot of time with those activities.

There are only so many hours in the day.

TwirlMS's picture

Since this caused a blow-up the following day, I consulted my sibling, who is a marriage therapist about how to handle future situations like this.

She said, since it is DH's daughter, go to the party to be polite, but you don't have to stay if you're uncomfortable. Make an appearance, be gracious, and then apologize for your early departure and bow out (even if it's just to the store, it's not their business where else you need to go).

Whether the former in-laws are that because of death or divorce, the result is the same and they end up being collateral damage even though they may have been totally neutral and supportive in the remarriage. Most often they are not supportive, but rather jealous and possessive out of loyalty to their own loved one, you can just feel the judgmental tension in the air.

sandye21's picture

"What is so important about HER having to experience her father interact with her mother's family?" That's what I can't understand either. If I were in the same situation as the OP, and I had experienced hours of 'the good ol' days' with them at other 'family' events, I'd tell DH, "No thanks, but I'm not stopping you from going." Then he could decide to go and endure it on his own - or not, but it would be on him. It's really his call in the first place.

When we get together with my in-laws they tend to talk about the past but they have never invited DH's ex-wife or her family. I know this is out of respect for me.

sammigirl's picture

This is exactly why I don't accompany DH to SD's house, or stay and visit, when she stops by to see DH. It's always the past, BM, YSS (who just got out of prison), old childhood stories (about how cute SD was); if I had not heard these stories 1000+ times, maybe I wouldn't mind. We NEVER discuss the weather, or every day happenings, hobbies, trips, etc. It is always the same "previous life". I've never understood it. Then there is the family gossip; oh yea, that's something I want to hear over and over.

I NEVER mentioned my Ex or my past. I just don't go with DH any longer. He didn't like it at first, but seems to accept my wishes now. I don't give an explanation either; I just say "no" and he goes without me and seems to enjoy his visit. Sometimes he will come home and start telling me; yep, same ole' conversations. What???? I don't respond and DH finally gets on another subject.

At least I don't have to listen any longer. DH is welcome to visit it any time.

TwirlMS's picture

You totally line up with my way of thinking in this. These relationships SD should continue on her own, but should not include forcing the two families together socially when a new wife (me) has entered the picture.
If she continues to do so, my plan is to stay briefly and then excuse myself. Hopefully those "parties" will be very rare.

My SD has too much idle time on her hands and has been meddling in other people's business. She always wants to be the one "in the know" about other people's personal lives, because she has no life of her own to gossip about. I avoid that kind of person, and so do other people which is why SD finds herself being avoided.

The fact that she wants to "hang out" with the older generation of aunts, uncles and us socially makes me think she is emotionally handicapped. And I do agree with you SA & Sandye, that she has this odd need to see her dad interacting with his former in-laws.

notasm3's picture

I had my family over this weekend. I invited my cousin's ex SD - I really like her, her ex SF has a good relationship with her, and my DH sees her professionally. She liked the invitation but ended up not coming. No problem for me. She was welcome - but there was never any ultimatum that she HAD to attend.

enuf's picture

I get how you can be cranky of being manipulated into going because Sd said so. Four hours is a long time. You were being very nice to your dh by going with him. So maybe looking it as doing something nice for your dh might change the way you look at the situation. Not only that, it did give a united front image to your SD which is really important when she is trying so hard to meddle in your marriage. While you may not have enjoyed it, the message it gave to sd is an important one and well worth you attending the event.

TwirlMS's picture

Yeah, except for three days after the party, DH and I are now exhausted from the fallout.

When I told him what the therapist said about only staying briefly to a party they were at, DH retaliated with a "then I am only going to stay an hour at your kids' houses", and the discussion has been going back and forth for three days.

Even on here, there are two camps. One that says let him go alone and another camp that says go for a short time, and then bow out.

When you are married, you build bridges together, and other bridges to your past get naturally abandoned. They will always be a part of your memory, but you don't actively keep walking them, or chances are you will be walking them alone.

I wonder if SD realizes the opening of old wounds she has caused by this forced get-together from the past.

I will get a handle on this, rise above it, but right now I feel kind of beaten down.

sammigirl's picture

My DH tried this "your family, my family" game. There is no reason for DH to say this; my family adores him and there has never been an issue. He just wants me to join him at SD's. I just laughed at him; told DH he didn't owe me any visits to my family. I go to see my family, in neighboring State often, without DH. Just so I don't have to go with him to SD's, I don't care.

I don't mind going to OSS's house and visiting his family. YSS is just out of prison and can't leave the State he is living; so we only see him about once a year; when we go to visit him for lunch.

20YearsAsAStep-Mom's picture

The old, I'll do this to you and your family if you don't attend etc. Not even the same thing really. These are your DH's former in-laws - not immediate family.

My DH pulled that line on me too last year - he said, well I won't go to your family get-togethers either anymore. I said that's fine - your loss. I barely took notice to this comment as I knew it was an idle threat. He was just trying to manipulate me into going to a family function I didn't want to attend.

Don't spend too much time talking about it either. Just say your piece and tell him you are not changing your mind.

If worse comes to worse, tell him to KNOCK IT OFF and leave you alone LOL

sammigirl's picture

I rather enjoy visiting my family without DH at times; it's like having coffee with a BFF without DH. Nice.

DH is not obligated and he knows it. Although he tries to make me feel guilty; I feel good about NOT going to SD's; it's a relief.

TwirlMS's picture

"These are your DH's former in-laws - not immediate family"
That's right, everyone except SD36 was not our family.

DH pointed out to me how the first two years of our marriage, they would send him invites to his first wife's family reunions but since we never attended, they eventually stopped sending them. We also didn't go to the former nephew's wedding which was out of state. I'm sure that rubs them the wrong way.

DH also pointed out to me that WE have never invited the former in-laws over to our place, so he is wondering why I am complaining. I reminded him of how, when SD was just divorced and living with us for three months, she invited all of BM's siblings over to our house, secretly, the day we were leaving for a trip. The only reason I found out is because our flight was delayed and we left an hour later than we were supposed to. Imagine my (and their) embarrassment when I came downstairs with my suitcase to find a slew of BM's relatives filling my living room. Ugh, I cringe at the memory.

Exjuliemccoy's picture

As I see it, the issue isn't the party. It's your maladjusted mini wife SD.

She has problems, that's clear, but the more you press your DH about whatever drama she causes, the more he'll feel compelled to protect her. So in this instance, his resentment is now directed at you.

Time to let it go. He knows she has issues, he just can't admit it.

TwirlMS's picture

At least we had a break from her for the winter when we were down south. She also has no access to our home anymore, since we are living an hour away, building a house. She was demanding to know the exact address of our new property even though it's under construction. When DH told her we won't be moving in for another year, after the final inspection is done, she was visibly upset. A one year break from her coming over is going to feel so good.

GottaLaugh's picture

I too married a widower and understand some of the dynamics involved here.

Initially I was anxious when meeting my DH ex in laws and friends from his life prior to me, I felt I was being judged and compared. There were two groups I placed all these people in, those who were genuinely pleased for him and I, and those who had not moved on from their grief, these people would talk all night about the late wife and take trips down memory lane with my DH. Thank goodness my DH was sensitive to this and without any prompting from me he would politely excuse himself. Was it awkward for me, hell yeah, unfortunately it just comes with the territory when you fall in love with a widower. Today, about 4 years later, there are many people from DH past who are not involved in our current life, it just sort of happens naturally, we moved on from some and enjoy a great relationship with others. One couple we are close to are in fact the late wife's brother and sister in law, they are genuinely fun, likeable, respectful people. I like them a lot.

IMO TwirlMS, you are likely bang on re the SD, however, I think it is sensible to pick your battles so to speak and I don't believe this party your SD organised is one of them. I really think you should ease up here, if there are only say 2 occasions a year you have to spend with your DH ex in laws, what does is matter in the grand scheme of things. I think in time your SD will back off these sort of things as everyone will no doubt feel they are a bit forced, but meanwhile just let it take it's course, when invited go, agree you don't need to stay for 4 hours LOL.

notsobad's picture

"then I am only going to stay an hour at your kids' houses"

This tit for tat stuff really annoys me.
The reason you don't want to stay there is because you are made to feel uncomfortable. How does he feel around your kids? or how do your kids make him feel? Are they accepting and try to make him feel comfortable?

If he were in no way related to these people, if they were SDs work friends that neither of you had anything in common with them, would he still expect you to stay all night, just because it was SD that was hosting?

If he doesn't enjoy being at your kids house then fine, he can leave whenever he wants but don't do it just to spite you.

TwirlMS's picture

My kids have welcomed DH into our family and have always treated him with respect. They have their own spouse and children, so they are grown up and not acting like a spoiled 13 yr old like SD does.

SD is actually older than my two sons but she acts half their age.

notsobad's picture

So he knows he's just being spiteful and willing to cut off his nose to spite his face.

That's sad and hopefully he will eventually see that's what he's doing.

TwirlMS's picture

We went out to dinner and I barely spoke two words to him or made eye contact. Not angry, just hurt. We had a long talk after that.

He offered to next time find out who else is invited to a SD party and allow me the chance to bow out if it's more than I can handle. He did say he was sorry, I told him I was sorry for being overly sensitive, but I do think my feelings needed to be expressed the following day. I can tell when he's been around SD's influence because he becomes defiant with me. It takes a few days of decompression after being around SD.

She had an agenda in putting this group together, and it was insensitive to my feelings for sure.

sammigirl's picture

I've never figured the defiant part; my DH also does this. I can even tell when he has had contact with SD56, the day it happens. He is rude to me, when we are around her; therefore, I don't go any more. DH is sarcastic to me in front of his kids; but changes completely with no contact. We have been married 36 years and this just began the past 15 years.

I chalk it off to "ornery ole' man"; but who knows. I used to get hurt, but ignore it and tell DH (I won't say here, what I tell him). }:)

hereiam's picture

she has this odd need to see her dad interacting with his former in-laws.

They were still married when her mother died, correct? Maybe she wants to reassure herself that her dad has not forgotten her mother or how much he once loved her and she feels that him staying in contact with her mother's side of the family, keeps him from mentally erasing the past (and her mother).

Of course, there's also the fact that she's just dysfunctional.

TwirlMS's picture

SD should be spending her time working on HER OWN love life (or lack thereof)
Then she wouldn't be so overly concerned about the level of love DH may or may not still have for one that's not even here anymore.

Kruella's picture

I really wish this site had been available 30 years ago. I have gotten so much relief reading the experiences written about here.
The former spouse is the Ghost of Christmas Past.

TwirlMS's picture

Group therapy at your fingertips Smile

I wonder if it would be in Ebenezer's best interests to haul him back into the past if he had long since recovered from his breakup with fiance Belle and living a happy fruitful life with his living wife? No good could come of it, the way I see it. Regress from his recovery.

Ebenezer was a lonely old man because he wouldn't let anyone else into his life after he lost Belle. (That and the fact that money was his only companion and idol).

In our case, SD is the enforcer of Christmas Past, tugging at his arm. DH's usually cheerful personality has been depressed all week after visiting with them. One sister strongly resembles DH's first wife and I think that spooks him. He was visibly affected when she walked into the room. I had to listen all week to how guilty he feels for not having put flowers on the grave or visited it for a whole year. Sad
They lay a big time guilt trip on him and make him feel depressed. They didn't want him getting remarried, and expected him to stay single for the last 30+ years of his life. How can they impose that kind of solitary sentence on another's life? Of course they don't verbalize that in front of me, but DH said that was how they felt and why he originally chose to distance himself from them.

still learning's picture

My understanding is that if you go to one of these gatherings there is weeks of fallout, and if you don't go there is weeks of fallout. This entire fiasco of a situation belongs to DH; it's HIS daughter, HIS deceased wife's family, HIS guilt for not visiting the grave, all are HIS issues to sort out and deal with. He may want you to go along so HE doesn't feel so awkward around them but that is not your responsibility. Wouldn't you rather do something else...anything else?! Those are hours of your life you'll never get back, hours with people who really don't want you there.

You've went along with DH, SD and the former IL's up until now; you have the right to change course and send DH on his own. If you don't go what's the worst that can happen? Will SD get mad, *shudders* doesn't she get mad already? Will IL's resent you...don't they already resent you for "taking their sisters' place?" Will things be weird between you and DH? Well it sounds things are already muddled due to his guilt over everything concerning the deceased wife.

My long winded point is that you may need to step way back from any situation dealing with SD, ex-il's, and deceased wife. Your relationship is solely with DH, focus there, and let him do whatever he needs to do to find peace with HIS former life.

TwirlMS's picture

I would much rather be anyplace else than at a SD party, especially one with BM's family, but DH wants me there. SD and her relatives expect me to be there, and if DH were to go alone, it would set their tongues on fire that there is trouble in paradise. I don't think I want that to happen either.

For one day this week, the clouds parted, the rain stopped, and we took the boat out on the lake. In the sunshine, our bad mood caused by SD36 was happily replaced with a good memory. That has been my goal and my challenge since DH and I got married. Replace his and my pain of the past with beautiful happy memories together.

TwirlMS's picture

Right now, DH is making the one hour drive to put flowers on first wife's grave. I am ok with that, at least I won't have to hear about it anymore and I have some peace and quiet to sort out my feelings on this message board. (thank you ladies for letting me do that).

I picture her in heaven, shaking her head, saying go home DH, give flowers to your wife. Be good to her. I'm not there. Where I am, the flowers are more beautiful and they never die. I am loved by my bridegroom (Christ) and all of my family of God.