"Why do adult SDs seek attention from their fathers?" I know it's because Daddy enabled them all their lives. My DH treats his DD like she is his wife; therefore, SD acts like his wife. My SD56 has always been a mini wife in our 36 year marriage. Everyone, including family members have noticed and mentioned this.

I have always had a healthy Father/Daughter relationship with my Dad. We have always lived our separate lives and I had two step mothers in my past, which I never disrespected, out of respect for my Father. Nobody spoiled me like my Father; but he raised me and did not enable me. I was raised to work hard, play hard, live and let live; thus, not putting my nose in other people's lives.

This is my take on it. My SD will always be a mini wife, I hate it, but it's a losing battle.

My DH is afraid his kids will stop loving him. I can't say I understand why. Fortunately SD is responsible and independent, and SS is moving in that direction (both in their 30s). Giving money to SS and bailing him out of one situation or another used to be a big problem, but happily that has stopped.

My issue is no longer financial, thank goodness, but there is a codependency with SD that makes me gag. If SD has an opinion, that is DH's opinion too. If DH and I decide we want to paint the bathroom green, but SD thinks we should paint it blue, then DH changes his mind and wants to paint it blue. SD has a new recipe? That's the next meal at our house. Thank goodness we don't live in the same state.

Mostly I can ignore this, and SD is always polite and sometimes even friendly towards me. She is a good Mom, and a hard worker, and I have little to complain about, other than DH making a fool of himself. But that's on him.

A reverse Oedipus complex, Lolita complex, etc.... Either way it is a sick situation. Good on you and DH for resolving this before your nuptials.

My SS never even attempted to play this kind of crap though my bride did have single teem mom guilt and took a few years to work through her own issues and get past total doting and Disney parenting. I was the one who set, drove, and kept the focus on acceptable behavior until my bride gained clarity. Fortunately for the most part we were at least always in the same book if less frequently on the same page.

My husband spoiled his only daughter and treated her like a princess while she was growing up. She's now 33, married, with a child of her own. There was no mistaking how upset she was when we got married 2 years ago.

She'll run hot and cold in the attention she gives her father, but she seems to text him more trying to get his attention when she knows we are doing something. For example, a few months ago we went on our first vacation together. The constant texts reminding him to wear sunscreen and have a safe trip were ridiculous. We were away on Valentine's Day and he received a text with a picture of her daughter wishing "Papa" a happy valentine's day. No mention of me of course. Then we got home to her yearly Valentine's Card to her father.

Merry I can relate to your comments about codependency. One time, my SD gave us a gift certificate for a restaurant that she likes. My husband ordered what she said her favorite meal was, and even had to check out the bathroom even though he didn't need to use it, because she said it was haunted. He wanted me to check it out too and I said no thanks. She might have well been with us that night the number of times he mentioned her name.

I never had this type of dependent relationship with my dad, so it's hard to understand why she can't realize she's a grown woman with her own family and not "Daddy's Little Girl" any more.

I often thank my lucky stars that my DH only had sons. }:) And that my father let me learn how to take care of myself.

I do realize that society in general wants to think of females as helpless and needing assistance. My father was never really there for me. But in many ways I am grateful that I was not handicapped by thinking that I "needed a man" to take care of me.

I remember at age 22 going with my father to buy new tires for HIS car. I was the one who went inside and conducted the transaction while he waited in the car. My father did not do that to teach me how to be independent - he did it because he was lazy and didn't want to have to deal with it.

I ended up being able to handle anything. So like Mr. T "I pity the fool" who don't know how to take care of their needs in life.

I have had so much of an advantage in life because I knew how to take care of myself without having to "rely on a man".

I have been a single parent for 5 years. I met my windowed partner 2 years ago. We are both financially secure and have our own homes. My problem is I don't know what to do for the best in relation to his adult daughter. She adores her dad and visa versa. She still lives at home and has told me she will remain there for ever. I have always been kind to her and she was always polite to me until recently. We went to Ireland and her behaviour was off the wall. She demanded all his attention, expected him to pay for everything told me he would never marry me because he still loved his late wife etc. I discussed this with my partner and he told me to let it go and not to say anything to her. I asked him if she resented us been together and his reply was she is ok with us as we are but she would not allow me to move in. I was shocked about how he is allowing her to dictate his life and our relationship. He was in denial and stated this was not the case. I put up with her child like behaviour for 3 days and nights and on the last night she shouted in my face why are you been an f..... B..... To me. I told her not to swear or shout at me her dad may put up with it but certainly won't. She went ballistic and shouted to him that he had better get me f....... Sorted out. I told her never to speak to me again. This was a month ago and I did not get any support from my partner he stated he had my version, his daughters version and the truth. It's caused a rift between us and I feel like calling it a day. What shall I do. She's made no attempt to apologise and when I mentioned this to my partner he stated that will never happen. He thinks he can just keep us apart. Please advise I do love him and he's a lovely caring man but I won't be able to put up with her disrespectful behaviour, his denial and lack of support.

OMGosh; the next step to running you off. If your SO does not apologize or tell SD to knock it off, you are wasting your time.

When DH & I had a blow up with SD56 in the middle, after 36 years of marriage, I stepped up and took control of my life. It worked, but I didn't think it would. DH apologized, but SD refuses to acknowledge her part. DH also told SD to leave me alone, never write me another "nasty" email, to never correspond with me via social media. DH still sees SD and her family on his terms. SD is extremely angry and will hardly give DH the time of day. DH and I are working thru it, the past year. SD is out of my life and I've made it clear; I stay away from her and she stays away from me. My SD will never let it go, but I work at it a day at a time; I see 99% less of her.

Your circumstances are quite different. I would say your SO and SD's true colors have been revealed. I know you love him and it will be a very difficult thing to let go; but I'm here to tell you "Daddy will always defend his baby girl". I don't mind my DH loving SD as long as he don't expect me to love her; no way!

If you are going to ride this out, you need to set boundaries for yourself.

Thank you for your comments much appreciated

Listen to your instincts. My dh divorced me after being together 25 years. He divorced me because of his ds who just turned 48 a couple of days ago. His DS never left us alone. He called everyday, if dh did not answer he kept on calling until he reached him. On day he called 15 times. When we went on vacation it was worse, used every tactic to keep my ex focused on him. We were on a cruise one time and he called 10 times within 3 hours because the dog pooped in the house.

In all our years together we only got to go on one overnight trip without his ds constantly calling and it was only because I complained and complained of us not being able to have alone time. Dh was miserable about it, but went along with my requests and told his Ds not to call unless it was an emergency. His ds called but said it was a Butt Call.

SS would shun me and sometimes raised his voice to me, let doors close on my face if he walked through the door first. Very passive aggressive type of person. My ex would just ignore the behavior and if I mentioned anything he would get upset with me and sometimes he would say that it did not happen that it was all in my head because I was a very negative person. Which is not true. One time he blocked my way on a plane because he wanted to sit next to his dad, it upset me so much that I started crying and again ex said that it did not happen.

This last time he chose to spend time with his ds right before I was leaving to spend time with my mother across the country. I complained to Dh about spending time with Ds instead of me, as he could spend the entire day and night after I left and that is what caused the divorce. I complained and I was not suppose to ever complain or say anything about his ds or to his ds irregardless of his behavior.

Now I feel so stupid for not listening to my instincts. After all these years I thought that dh could prioritize me and he could not. His ds still came first and he had trained me through out the years not to say anything about his ds, and when I did by complaining this last time, dh figured he would teach me a final lesson for not obeying him regarding his ds. He divorced me.

Please listen to your instincts. He will never put your first, and she will continue to demand his attention. Using drama is one way my ss got my dh attention. Or needing advice and also using guilt for not spending time with him. Watch out for the increased attention getting behavior when you are supposed to be having quality time with your Dh such on vacations or going out for a special dinner etc. If your DH cannot put your quality time above her need to call or text and he responds to her during these times, he is letting you know that she matters more.

Please take his actions into consideration as he is speaking volumes about your status compared to hers. It is not that difficult for him not to answer the phone when he is with you, when he does respond during these special times he is telling you that he considers her emotional well being more important than yours. Do not ignore his actions like I did. It really stinks that I am now 62 years old and my that my dh divorced me because of his ds. If I had listen to my instincts and acted on them I could have been in a loving relationship with someone else who put my feelings and emotional needs above another adult. All these years and ss came first.

36 years ago, DH and I agreed to keep our relationship separate from kids. We spent 90% of our time with the kids, camping, holidays, etc. We also spent some good quality time alone. It was all good for 20 years (guess I shouldn't expect more).

Then SD and SIL moved to the same town. After about a year it began going down hill. I was working full time, DH was/is disabled and home. Long story short, my DH decided I was second in his life. Just a year ago, it all came down. . When it was all out, I ask DH, what happened to keeping our relationship separate from the kids (SD and family). We no longer had quality time together; DH can't do anything without his DD and family, we are both retired, but he sulks when SD is not in the picture, all the time. Keep in mind, SD doesn't turn a little finger in giving DH the time of day or doing anything for him. She never has and never will.

My DH's answer to my question: "What is this Sh**t about keeping it all separate? I thought we were supposed to be a family and be together." Immediately, I realize this is a lost cause.

DH claims he don't remember agreeing to keep it separated, so we had some time for our marriage. DH stated that was stupid anyway.

I give up on this subject; he can have SD and I will maintain my marriage for monitary purposes and taking care of a disabled person.

I am totally disengaged from SD and DH's theory has backfired on him. They deserve each other and I'm moving forward.

Just saying, this is how it went for me.

Not all men, but most men seem to not see the romance in a marriage; they forget how romantic they were, when trying to get you to love them. Their definition of love, romance, and devotion just seem to fade away; at least my DH's did, when Mini wife started living our lives.

My situation is that my Dh's 27 y.o daughter is the only child and was treated like part of the three musketeers growing up rather than a child and a couple.

Yesterday I found out that his yearly trip from work (this is the first year I could go) is scheduled and he is taking DD, not me.

He says it is once a year that they go. But it is also one or two dinners a week, Saturday breakfast and whatever else she needs, including calling at 2 a.m. to pick her drunk as s up from the bar. She doesn't care if she wakes us all up. She won't I interact with me or look at me in the eye and we have almost no interaction.

DH can't figure out why I am upset. I am to the point of disengaging from him because I am tired of coming last.

From my own experience I do not have children but I had parents and know that they said no when I needed help to pay my bills and no when I wanted to move back home. However, my boyfriend who I have lived with for 2 years has 2 adult children and 2 grandchildren living with us. They used to have jobs but as soon as I moved in 2 years ago they both quit their jobs. They sit at the computer once a week looking for jobs and the rest of the time they play. They do nothing for the household such as cleaning or mowing or taking out the trash. What I don’t understand is why my boyfriend has let this go on for so long. It has really put a strain on our relationship because they create drama and make us miserable and I have no control over any of it since they are not my children. My question is WHY DOES HE ALLOW THIS TO GO ON?

Why do adult step daughters seek attention from their fathers?

For the same reason any child does. They want to be loved, acknowledged and encouraged.

It becomes problematic when they are doing it specifically to appease their insecurities. "Mini wife syndrome" is very real. The daughter will emotionally manipulates their father into being acquiescence to their every whim. If the father doesn't play ball then they will detach and blame the dad for their failed relationship. Many times they are competing for their fathers attention because they do not agree with the SM's role in the family and feel threatened by the relationship between SM and their dad. Any affection is seen as a direct slight, so they act out of all attention is not on them.

More often than not the father enables their behavior and gives in so as to avoid conflict and earn his daughters acceptance. It is a no win situation that stems from codependency.

the dad relied on the daughter to feel his emotional needs and the daughter accepted this role and began to expect to be #1 priority in his life. So when she becomes an adult this attitude is exacerbated. She uses dad as a tool to navigate her life. Dad is supposed to take care of all her needs and wants and push others to the side.

Over time the dad continues to enable the daughter for fear of losing her. He has become used to allowing his daughter to dictate his actions and does not want to uproot his life by placing boundaries on her behavior.

It's an unhealthy cycle. It can be broken but more often than not the daughter becomes resentful of her father and refuses a relationship that is not under her control.

I met a great guy on an on-line dating service.  We met and it was love at first site for me, only problem was that he lived 300 miles away from me.  We would see each other every two weeks.  "We" get along great the issue is his 29 Year old daughter and her 9 month old baby who lives with him.  I met them before she was pregnant and her Dad being a widower and her mother who passed 4 years ago I though I would step up and help her out and I did.  I am single was marred for 40 years with no children and a widow also.  I took her shopping for everything she needed for her first baby and spent a lot of money, a lot of money.  The issue is this girl became very selfish, disrepectful and does not want another woman in her Dad's life except her.  He has a son to that lives out of state, nice guy we got along great and he was happy for his Dad.  We never went out alone him and I.  She always had to go with us.  Well they moved into my place.  I'm an easy going person, but they only stayed for 4 months because she was continously in his ear bringing up her mother in front of me, she didn't like the things I cooked, he did.  I exploded one day because we were going out without her and she started "You don't love me, you don't love your grandchild, you don't want us with you".  his response was "Oh honey don't talk that way"  well I exploded which I kept my mouth shut for months.  I went into her room and told her how selfish she was, rude, disrespectful to her father, and she needed to grow up since she is a mother now.  If looks could of killed me I would have been dead.  Her response:  "Your not my mother".  The relationship went down hill for there.  The tension in my house was terrible he didn't have my back or the balls to stand up to her.  Needless to say, they bought a house and moved out behind my back.  We would go shopping and you'd would swear they were husband and wife with a baby.  I was never included, they walked side by side each time, she would make him hold the baby so we couldn't hold hands, I was completely isolated.  Well he finally broke up with me after they moved out via text.  I really felt like I was used.  The problem is that I truly loved him and my heart is breaking.  She will never let him have a woman in his life.  Oh an his was a retired police officer.  We don't speak at all now. Is there anything I could have done differently? 

Too bad you couldn’t have found this site first, as there are very few support tools out there for women in our situation.

You did everything right, but you were made to think it was you, if you gave it more time etc. 

Broke up by TEXT? What a ball-less choice. 

I know you’re hurting and disappointed, but you dodged a bullet. So many here have gone through decades of similar treatment.

Your’re right, he will never be allowed to have a relationship! That’s HIS FAULT!

Yes there are things  you could have done differently. Foremost among those things is ... you should never have tolerated a mini wife/Lollita/Oedipous relationship in your life for a second.

You are far better off having that shallow and polluted gene pool out of your life.

Don't lament the loss of a POS non man who can't life his own life.  That is no loss. That is a big win for you.

Enjoy your new life adventure with them fading in your rear view mirror.

And... good riddance.

I just read the original poster's story and it has so many parallels! 

In fact, she could have been me, writing my story.

I don't live with my partner and would never consider it while his adult daughter (23) still lives there. She is rude and obnoxious and it makes me cringe the way she speaks to him, so blatantly disrespectful.

I just wanted to add to all the comments too, about the emotional blackmail thing.

My friend's (no longer partner) daughter would make comments like "oh I might as well go and hang myself" on the rare occasions that he tried to talk to her about her behaviour.

He would instantly back off....

Also, one day when we had been  together for about 6 months, she came downstairs (I wasn't there) and handed him a two page letter she had written, saying, among other things

1. You are being taken away from me and I don't like it

2. I don't want to share you with anyone

3 I'm losing the most important thing in the world

4 I'm so alone and NOONE cares about me

5 You are taking this relationship way too fast. You need to slow down and do things with JUST US (not her)

One day we were out walking (it was a public holiday) and she messaged him saying

"Thanks for spending the day with me" 

These are just some of the things that she did - there's so much more but the story is familiar to so many of us on here....

This is exactly what's happening with me and my boyfriend of two plus years and his 20 and 22 year old daughters.  They refuse to share him. They are jealous and controlling and when they don't get their way they leave for days with no communication.    They are mini wives and very jealous  of me.  They tell their dad he needs to spend more time with them and they just want more time.  But really what I think they want is me out of the picture.  They refuse to be in the same room with me.   Then they make him basically date them.   If he spends a day with me then they demand equal time.  It's very sick.    He is trying to change it but it's not going well.   The 20 year old still has temper tantrums.   I get upset because he enables it.  He feels he has to enable it because he doesn't want them to move out, because then people would think he was a bad dad.   So they leverage that and threaten him with it when they don't get their way which means they always get their way.   Way too much power is given to them.    I should have left 8 months ago.   But now I feel stuck. 
 

you are not alone. 

"Refuse to be in the same room as me"...

I hear you sister!

Ex's daughter would give me a filthy look when I arrived at his house, then storm off upstairs without a word, slamming her bedroom door.

Hahahahaha - one night when I was there, he said to me after dinner, "why don't you take a dessert up to her?" (I had bought some expensive chocolate desserts over). She had not joined us for the main course, instead taking her plate up to her room and eating in in there.

I replied "No, I WILL NOT be doing that. I DO NOT reward bad behaviour and nor should you"

This is a 22 year old......

I felt this in the very being of my soul. My SD is 44 years old, however and thinks she's going to live on handouts until she gets SSI, which in my opinion they are going to question her claims of PTSD so severe she can't work. She can sure stay up all night looking for cards that pay referral bonuses and post them begging people to sign up or asking me for a code she had sent to my phone for a free trial. She acts like there's a murderer at any job and if she cares take one her life will surely end or something. Im so sick of her. I'm sick of DH saying that he only buys her cigarettes so she doesn't get snappy with her daughter so he's really doing it for his 10 year old granddaughter. I'm sorry I took over your post with ranting. Just can relate so much.