Upcoming Wedding
First, I want to say "THANK YOU" for having this forum. As other have stated, at least I don't feel all alone in this matter, after reading some of your comments.
I have 2 soon to be SD's, 30 and 32. The BD has been divorced from their mother for 25 years (he filed for divorce). SD #2 and her hubby had a baby, who is 1 year old now.
We have dated for 4 years, got engaged last year, and plan to be wed sometime this year. It will be a small affair. My question is, do I have to include these SD's in our wedding? I really don't want any attendants, and to be honest, they really haven't treated me well over the past 4 years.
They can be very loving (when they want something), but they can also be very manipulative and outright rude. I have seen peeks of acceptance this past 6 months, but they still treat me like an outsider. I know in my heart of hearts that I will never be accepted as a stepmother or a grandmother. They refer to us with their cousins who are 4 and 5 as "Uncle John" and "Miss Mary", not Aunt Mary, even though I will be their Aunt soon. I've been told by them that "I'm hard to hate", and I've responded with "I'm sorry that you feel you have to." Of course they very rarely say things like this in from of their Dad, but have slipped a few times. In my entire life, I have never had this kind of a relationship with children of the men I have dated or my friends kids. They have all treated me well. This just breaks my heart.
But back to the question at hand, do I have to have them in the wedding, out of respect for my future husband?
Your insight is appreciated.
Absolutely not! Especially if
Absolutely not! Especially if you don't plan on having anyone else in the wedding.
My dad is remarrying in September, and although me and my siblings aren't quite fond of the fiance, she seems nice and we have a normal adult relationship with her, but none of us want to be in the wedding! We've all said "oh gosh I hope she doesn't ask!"
They very likely don't want to be in it so I wouldn't worry about it.
thanks, I guess I never
thanks, I guess I never thought about them not wanting to be in it. However, the youngest one has made comments about the granddaughter being a flower girl.
That you for being so candid! I love this forum!
Two Words "Destination
Two Words "Destination Wedding".
Seriously, Go somewhere exotic and get married and do your honeymoon at the same time. I see no reason for any kind of formal family ceremony for unions later in life.
This just cuts all the worries about who will/will not be there.
The only downside is you won't get gifts. haha.
Believe me, we've discussed
Believe me, we've discussed it. I just have friends (that are like family) that want to attend. Thanks for your response!
Cruise ship wedding:) You
Cruise ship wedding:) You can invite people if they want to come at their own expense! There are also packages I think were you can have the wedding prior to departure and people not sailing can get off.
I was worried that my parents wouldn't come to the wedding. My dad is VERRRY hermit like (he did NOT go to my younger brother's wedding a few years later even though he paid for a portion of it) and my Mom was having some beginning dementia issues. We were also concerned that the BM would insist on accompanying her DD's of 9 and 12 yo and we just did NOT want to have that happen. I think that may have been when my younger brother was still having his drug addiction issues.
So basically, we were afraid some people wouldn't come and that others WOULD!
If I were you, I would go away for the wedding and then come back and have a nice party/reception with your friends!
Absolutely not. And, if
Absolutely not. And, if you're worried about hurting your fiancé's feelings, ask him and see what he says.
I have found that adult children really don't care about big shows in regards to their parents' remarriage. I remarried at age 51 five years ago. I have 4 daughters and they would have been mortified had I ever asked them to be bridesmaids. It didn't help that they weren't big fans of the man I married. I had been married to their father for 25 years, so felt I had already had one big wedding (and honestly, had never planned on marrying ever again, so dh and I got married by a JOP and had a reception and honeymoon later.
Unfortunately, dh doesn't care for my 4 daughters whom I rarely hear from, nor I for his 3 sons who all have addiction issues. It's sad, but true. We live for each other and since, 5 of our adult children live in other states, they are not a big part of our lives. And, now with SS23 back in our basement due to yet another downfall, I wish HE DID, too.
I wish you all the happiness in the world. Don't worry about the "children". They're adults.
Thanks for the insight...
Thanks for the insight...
Thank you for being so candid
Thank you for being so candid and your well wishes.
You absolutely do not have to
You absolutely do not have to have them in your wedding.
Thank you for responding.
Thank you for responding.
Wow! That was a lot to
Wow! That was a lot to digest...but all makes sense. It's just so hard to be involved in their live's...the baby's life and not get attached. I'm just a mother type by nature, so it digs deep. However, I understand all that you said and it all makes sense.
Thank you for being so candid...I needed the shaking!
Wow! That was a lot to
Wow! That was a lot to digest...but all makes sense. It's just so hard to be involved in their live's...the baby's life and not get attached. I'm just a mother type by nature, so it digs deep. However, I understand all that you said and it all makes sense.
Thank you for being so candid...I needed the shaking!
Wow! That was a lot to
Wow! That was a lot to digest...but all makes sense. It's just so hard to be involved in their live's...the baby's life and not get attached. I'm just a mother type by nature, so it digs deep. However, I understand all that you said and it all makes sense.
Thank you for being so candid...I needed the shaking!
Wow! That was a lot to
Wow! That was a lot to digest...but all makes sense. It's just so hard to be involved in their live's...the baby's life and not get attached. I'm just a mother type by nature, so it digs deep. However, I understand all that you said and it all makes sense.
Thank you for being so candid...I needed the shaking!
Wow! That was a lot to
Wow! That was a lot to digest...but all makes sense. It's just so hard to be involved in their live's...the baby's life and not get attached. I'm just a mother type by nature, so it digs deep. However, I understand all that you said and it all makes sense.
Thank you for being so candid...I needed the shaking!
Wow! That was a lot to
Wow! That was a lot to digest...but all makes sense. It's just so hard to be involved in their live's...the baby's life and not get attached. I'm just a mother type by nature, so it digs deep. However, I understand all that you said and it all makes sense.
Thank you for being so candid...I needed the shaking!
My husband and I married 2
My husband and I married 2 years ago. It was a second marriage for both of us and we have 6 adult children between us. I have one daughter, and she was my maid of honor. He has two sons. He asked his youngest son to be his best man. He doesn't have a good relationship with his older son. We ended up selecting a reading and had the other 4 each read a section during the ceremony. His daughter was not happy that we were getting married and was miserable at our wedding. She'll never be happy that her dad remarried.
I feel so sad for you...and
I feel so sad for you...and totally understand your pain. Life is so very short, and it's hard for me to believe that people have to put such restrictions on loving one another. I have loved so many non family members in my life, and I feel so blessed to have each one of them as part of my life.
Hopefully with time and age, this this change. One can only hope. Onward and upward.
When I married my DH 16 yrs
When I married my DH 16 yrs ago, his sons stood up for him but his daughters were not a part of the wedding. Oldest was supposed to be a hostess but she had a melt down the day of the wedding (due to being 7 months pregnant) so she didn't do what she was supposed to do, fortunately she was a co-host so my SIL did all the hosting. His children were teenagers then so it worked out okay. If I were to be marrying my DH today I would not have any of his children at our wedding especially the girls. The day should be about you and he and the only way to ensure that is to have no children/stepchildren involved. Yes, it sounds like a cute idea to have a grandchild in it but the reality of how that will go down is not cute. If you two are not allowed to be called grandparents then you don't need to have a "grandchild" involved in your ceremony.
We have opted out on having
We have opted out on having the granddaughter participate in the ceremony. I think a wise move on our part.
Well, we are 3 weeks out from
Well, we are 3 weeks out from the Wedding! I have taken all your advice and decided NOT to have the soon to be SD in the wedding after all. We are having no attendants and 2 close friends will be our witnesses.
I reached out to the 2 SD to ask how they would like me to introduce them going forward, as to not step on toes. They both came back and said, I'd like to continue to be introduced at James' Daughter". However, the married daughter also stated that I could introduce her husband as "son in law" as he is still an In Law...and that the granddaughter can be introduced as such. However, I was told that she preferred to save the title of "Grandma" for her Mother and her mother in law. She said since I will be playing a "grandmother type role" in the childs life, that I could come up with another name to be called. I came up with Nana. At least she gave me that...and I don't have to have this 1 year old refer to me by my first name going forward.
I agree with you guys that it is heartbreaking that something so little can be blown up into such a big deal. Not sure what harm it would be for the baby to have 3 grandmas that loved her...but, I guess that is not going to happen. However, I already have a great bond with her and regardless of what she calls me, I will continue to love her.
SD's have not reached out to ask what they could do to help with the wedding plans, day of the wedding, etc... except one did offer to address invitations.
So with that, none of them are going to be "in it". It will just be us. pure and simple.
I have to admit that I got a bit teary when I was told I would not be referred to as "Grandma" yesterday, but am feeling a bit better today.
Please play for my guidance and courage through this. It would be much appreciated! Onward and upward!
I had a Grammie and a Nanny
I had a Grammie and a Nanny neither were steps.
My kids had a Grandma (my Mom) an Oma (my stepmom) a Grandma first name (exHs Mom) and a Grannie first name (ExHs stepmom)
We asked all of them what they wanted to be called. My Mom actually wanted to be called Grammie but whenever I said it, it just felt so odd, she wasn't Grammie, her Mom was! I just couldn't get used to calling her Grammie, so it became Grandma.
Now they have DHs Mom, who they've always called first name. They met her when they were early teens. However after 10 years, my youngest has started calling her Grandma first name, same as my skids do. It happened organically and I'm just happy she loves him.
I am happy that she will not
I am happy that she will not call me by my first name the rest of my life... small steps...
Thanks again for all your supportive comments!
NMO
If you include the sd maybe
If you include the sd maybe you will be lucky to have a marriage ceremony and dinner like mine. At our wedding dinner my ss asked my dh to spend the first day our marriage with him the next day to watch a game on the television. Since my dh is an adult and my ss is an adult and I did not want to interfere in their relationship, I sat there, as my jaw fell to the floor and tears came out of my eyes, in disbelief as my Dh of only hours said yes to his ds because he did not want to hurt his feelings.
DO NOT HAVE THEM IN YOUR WEDDING CEREMONY! YOU HAVE MY PERMISSION TO SAY "NO"!
Cheers!
Cheers!
Cheers!
Cheers!
I am so very happy to report
I am so very happy to report that I took all of your advise and we did NOT have the SD's in the wedding...or the step granddaughter. We decided NO attendant...and we had two close friends be the witnesses for the marriage certificate. It worked out GREAT!
Our wedding was personal, intimate, beautiful and our reception was great! The two SD's spent their time sitting at a table together with their immediate family and never event reached out to my hubby's family (with whom they are related) at all or anyone else at the reception. His nieces asked if they could call me "Aunt" now, and his cousin's called me "cousin". His daughter's are still referring to me by my first name...and I have decided that I'm really ok with that. It is what it is. Those people that want to be "related" to me, already are now...and those that don't...so be it.
We are so happy together and I'm not going to let anything spoil that! I married the most amazing man!
Again, thanks for all your words of wisdom. It was nice not feeling alone in this. It can really do a number on your head if you let it.
Glad to hear you are enjoying
Glad to hear you are enjoying marriage. You were very wise to find Steptalk before your marriage so you were prepared for SDs. At least you will not be spending the early years of your marriage trying to win over SDs and then years later be hurt when you find they can never be won over. Good luck!!!
Indeed! Thanks to all for
Indeed! Thanks to all for their advice...
i wish you well, and keep
i wish you well, and keep your own desires in all things as priority.
if no one else is in the wedding, do not include anyone else as a courtesy.
the skids will be honored guests at the wedding. they do not need to be little flower girls and ring bearers at that age.
Congratulations on your
Congratulations on your marriage.
May you have a lifetime of love, health and happiness.
Maryo, I thought I'd be happy
Maryo, I thought I'd be happy that way too, but I wasn't. I really wanted to marry my guy. It meant a lot to me.
Being married has enriched our relationship. It's a feeling of being "all in".
There have been bumps and bruises with the SD's, but I have removed myself from the drama. I read an article that said, adult stepchildren look at you like an "acquaintance" in their life. They did not pick you to be there, but you are and they have to deal with it. The article further went on to say that you too, should treat them as acquaintances, being cordial, etc...but not allowing yourself to be manipulated. I have taken that strategy now, and it is working perfectly!
Wanted to share that with all of you. Onward and upward I say!
Cheers to all!
Don't even try to figure it
Don't even try to figure it out and for sure do not tolerate their crap if they offer any. It sounds like these two women are on the cusp of reasonableness but struggling with mommy and daddy issues.
I would head to Belize or some other remote vacation destination and get married in the Jungle, on the beach, or on a mountain somewhere just the two of you and an official. That puts everyone on either side of the family equation in the same boat. Non participants in your wedding.
We actually had a former STalker do just that when she and her DH married. In a jungle with a Mayan priest. They left both of their children (his X1 and hers X1) and everyone else at home.
If you want, have a post nuptial reception/party when you get back. And invite everyone with no expectation that they will attend. Your friends likely will, and some of your families members, but maybe not and Kids/Skids who take exception to the marriage.
Keep in mind that you are not a StepMother to these women. You did not help raise them. They are in their 30s. You are their fathers wife. Or at least you soon will be. That does not mean you can't be a GrandMother to their children but even that I would not go overboard on until the GSkids are old enough to appreciate a relationship with you. Then these women will have nothing they can do about it if they have a problem with it.
Kids are smart. They know quality people with their best interests at heart. Demonstrate that and they will seek a relationship with you.
My mom is my Son's only true grandmother and they have no biological connection. My bride and I met when SS-24 was 15mos old and we married the week before he turned 2yo. He has always known who his SpermClan and had regular visitation with them until he turned 18. He also of course knows my DW's family. The fact remains that my parents are his only true GrandParents because they are the ones that have invested in a relationship with him since he was a toddler. he is their eldest grandchild. Though not their first. My wife and I married when my niece was 6mos old.
Even now if he goes too long without giving them a call they will hop in their RV and go to him. They hunt him down. He can't get away from the Rags clan GPs. }:) Even if he wanted to.
None of my parents GKids can get away from them. Not a problem though... they all go to my parent's house on a regular basis. At least the adult GKids do (the 24yo (Mine), the 23yo (Bros eldest), and the 20yo (Bros Middle)). The youngest one is still living at home with my brother and SIL but I am sure once he starts university it will be the same for him.
Invest in these young GSKids and the same can and likely will happen for you.
This is great advice. Given
This is great advice. Given the ages of these "children", there is no reason why there would be an expectation of some huge white dress, formal wedding.
My DH and I went to the Virgin Islands to get married. It was not a first for either of us and no urge to do a huge spectacle. We went and did something fun for us. We snorkled and went deep see fishing. It was a wedding/honeymoon with no guests.
That sounds amazing. My
That sounds amazing. My bride and I "eloped" to Lake Tahoe. It was announced a couple of weeks ahead of time so family or friends who could or wanted to make it could participate. There were the two of us and the Skid (a week short of his 2nd birthday). My brother and his wife and baby (we all lived together at that time), my mom, my college BFF and his GF, and my bride's Aunt and Uncle were there. My ILs chose not to attend. They were not supportive of the wedding at all and it took them a couple of years for them to even say a word to me. We are fine now. My dad could not make it due to his overseas work schedule.
It was my second and her only marriage. My first one was the social event of the season and a dog and pony show of monumental proportions. 5 attendants apiece. I didn't have that many friends close enough to ask to stand with me or that I wanted to. So I had my brother and two BFFs, my BIL, and my XW's eldest cousin. There were >500 guests and we were married in a Cathedral. The funniest thing about it was the pic of the wedding from the Choir loft. It was open seating and the ushers sat people evenly in the Cathedral but as soon as they were seated her guests all got up and moved to the left side. In the pic my side had ~30 people and hers was standing room only. We had moved to that city only 4 years before. Her family had been there for decades.
My wife and I renewed our vows on our 20th a few years ago and we actually had a wedding that time. It was amazing. She planned it all and pulled off an amazing event. Even then there were only about 60 guests. The Skid "officiated".