Frustrated future stepdad
Hi, I'm new to the forum and I was hoping I could get some advice.
I met my girl friend on line almost 6 months ago. I have two kids who are grown up and have they’re own little families. My girl friend has 4 kids, ages 10, 12, 15 and 19.
When we met she said she was separated and working on a divorce. I fell in love rather quickly. After a couple months I found out when she said she was separated she meant she hadn’t been sleeping in the same bed as her husband (for 2 years) but they were still living in the same house with there 4 children. That was a shocker but it’s hard to think straight when you feel the way I feel. Not being a legal resident she could not get a place of her own and the house was her husbands. (who is living here on a work visa).
She couldn’t divorce her husband and live in his house with him so I found a house for her, her kids and I also moved in. We had known each other only 4 months when we did this but for the relationship to move forward she had to get divorced. Her children are good kids, we’re developing a relationship and they are surprisingly accepting of the situation.
My problem is I never know what’s going on. And the kids run the house. My girl friend doesn’t speak very much English and I don’t speak very much Spanish(but I’m working on that). The kids speak English unless they are talking to her (which is partly why I don’t know what’s going on). They eat whatever they want whenever they want so I never know if we’re having dinner at night or if I’m supposed to fend for myself. They have no rules that I’ve noticed. They don’t even have a regular bed time on school nights.
She is blind when it comes to them, which I can understand to an extent but after spending a couple hours cleaning kool aid stains out of the living room carpet I suggested that maybe we make a rule that there are no drinks allowed outside the kitchen. (I had to put a $1,200 cleaning deposit down on the house and I’d like to get it back at the end of the lease) She didn’t like the idea and we fought about it for hours because she felt like I was trying to control everything… or something, I still don’t know for sure. Every time I mention anything about rules she freaks out on me. I am not in the position to make rules for her kids all I can do is make suggestions to her. But I’m afraid to do that in fear of her overreacting and starting a fight. We’ve had a few other fights about what I consider simple requests, such as. The 6 of them were living in a 3 bedroom 1 bathroom house. I got us a 5 bedroom 3 bathroom house and I told her I would prefer that the kids not use the master bathroom unless they really need to, I didn’t think that was asking too much. She overreacted and said “fine you can have that bathroom all to yourself I won’t use it either”. We fought about that for hours also.
I have spent most of my savings and much of my time trying to make a comfortable home for us and everything I do I do for us as a family or her and her kids. Sitting here right now I can not think of anything special she has done for me. I even had to almost nag her to do anything on her divorce after we got settled in the new house. I occasionally buy her flowers for no reason, I share in the house hold chores, dishes, laundry, grocery shopping, cleaning and I do the yard work.
I don’t know what to do. I love her and I like her kids but the chaos and fighting is making my life suck.
The lease and utilities are
The lease and utilities are all in my name.
Where are your friends and
Where are your friends and family?
There has to be someone in your inner circle who will tell you that you are making dumb choices. This woman is using you.
She sounds like she found a
She sounds like she found a "fix it" man.
You need to get the hell out of that relationship.
Hotel house keeping.
Hotel house keeping.
There are so many alarm bells
There are so many alarm bells going off in my head over your situation that I don't know where to start.
So, I will start at the end. REKEY THE LOCKS!!!!!!!
How can you possibly "fall in love" with someone you can't even communicate with? Don't get me wrong awesome sex is awesome by definition but it is just sex. If there is no communication, no common vision, no equity life partnership, then the sex will not stay awesome for long and it is not as awesome as it would be if you and your partner were actually partners rather than Queen and serf. You are the serf. What is sad and alarming is that you are willingly doing all of this with seemingly no forethought or reasoning involved.
So, you burned your life savings for this leech and her spawn. A cheap lesson learned.
Do not hesitate to call the locksmith, purge this succubus and her demon spawn from your life, and move on to a new start.
Learn from this mistake and do not repeat it.
Good luck.
Tell her this: Estamos
Tell her this:
Estamos terminados. Usted y sus hijos necesita salir . Adiós.
Translation:
We are over. You and your children need to leave. Goodbye.
http://img.desmotivaciones.es
http://img.desmotivaciones.es/201112/images_159.jpg
There is sadly no way this
There is sadly no way this will end well. It will hurt like hell to end it now, but it will hurt a LOT MORE IF YOU DON'T. And for a lot longer.
"I fell in love rather
"I fell in love rather quickly."
No. You fell in lust.
Thanks everybody for the
Thanks everybody for the input and mostly constructive criticisms.
She speaks enough English and I speak enough Spanish that we can communicate okay and we use a translator app when we have trouble. My Spanish was very rusty because I never used it but it's coming back slowly. I've been in relationships with women who speak English and still couldn't communicate with them.
I do feel like I'm being used sometimes but It's not for money. I got the house and paid the deposit for it and the utilities but we both make about the same amount and she is paying more of the rent because there's only one of me and five of them. We split the utilities and food.
The question that keeps running through my head is why would she put her kids through this if it isn't real. She'd have to know it would not end well and she would be left hanging with 4 kids and nowhere to go. Her divorce papers have been filed and her lawyer told her if all goes well it will be roughly a month to finalize.
As far as the sex, it is good and I know from experience the frequency will decline. But it's not the sex, she makes me laugh, her smile melts my hart and she's actually fun to be with as long as I don't say anything about her kids or try to suggest any changes. I don't really have a problem with the kids, kids are kids and we get along fine. It's more her parenting technique. Like I said before, they have no rules and she lets them run the house. They don't know any better. If I can figure out how to talk to here about some small changes and a few rules without it turning into a fight it would help a lot, but I don't know how to do that without making her defensive.
I have no idea how one can
I have no idea how one can actually communicate - with our without the use of a translator app OR human - with someone who doesn't speak a common language. Be that as it may, here are my thoughts....
You feel like you are being used because you ARE being used......does it really matter HOW you are being used? No, no it doesn't. She wants to be a citizen and you are the ticket. Literally.
Let me tell you the story of my brother and my sister-in-law. Brother went to third world country on vacation with some buddies in the summer of 1999. Said third world country speaks English as well as it's native language. Said third world country was full of hotties. Said third world country has a bit of a reputation for girls latching on to American men from the second World War on forward. Brother meets SIL at a bar one night. Brother is 36 and SIL is 18 when they meet.
Brother and SIL email and call each other for the first month. Brother goes back to third world country one month after that. He stays for two weeks. He comes home. They go back to communicating via email and phone. What do you know? SIL tells brother she is pregnant. Brother races out to get a fiancee visa, SIL comes to America, marries my brother and gives birth to my awesomely amazing niece a few months after her arrival.
SIL becomes an American girl really quickly and all of her third world country friends that she meets when she gets here are all encouraging her to go shopping, buy everything and get as many credit cards as she can. My mom and I quickly determine that her only use for my brother is his money and her green card.
16 years later, they are still married, but it's a hard road for him. He loves her to death, and she spends every dime he makes. She works when she feels like it, and when they fight she says she is going to take my niece with her and head back to third world country. Brother must believe her, because I have my niece's passport locked up in my safe deposit box.
This is your future, my friend. Sure, my brother loves his wife, she is still super hot and will always be much younger than him, BUT he is perpetually broke, dodging bill collectors and trying to reign in her spending.
Run. Just run. She wants your money and your home and your wallet. Not you.
And the applause meter goes
And the applause meter goes WILD!!!
Yep. Green card, baby. Not just one, but five.
And this gal is still using OP for the money. Cheaper to pay half the rent than ALL.
I guess I should add, she's
I guess I should add, she's been living here for 17 years and 3 of her 4 kids were born here.
She's been here for 17 years
She's been here for 17 years and the two of you need apps to communicate???? She has 3 anchor babies so why isn't she a citizen yet?
This is a bit off topic, from
This is a bit off topic, from the other comments, but my sd isn't allowed in our bedroom or master bath. I need a kid free zone to maintain my sanity. My SD would be going in the yard, before she'd enter my private space. If your gf doesn't want to use the master bath Bc you won't allow the kids in it, so be it, she can go outside too if she must:). As for no drinks in the living room, that is not unreasonable if the kids can't keep the drinks off the carpet or furniture. I made this rule for our house, sd can't have food or drink outside of the kitchen and deck, same reason, went over fine. At first, me setting rules wasn't exactly welcome. I said to my H, if I'm paying to live in a space I will set rules for that space, if you find them to be ridiculous we'll talk about it, but if I have a justifiable reason you have to consider the new rule. If he would refuse to allow me to set rules in a space I was paying to live in, I'd stop paying to live there. Period. She's saying you want to control, while she has complete control and she's using her kids as an excuse to have complete control. It is unacceptable and not how relationships work. If she wants to be in a relationship, she needs to compromise. New relationship, equals new rules and compromises. If she doesn't like it, tell her to move back in with her ex.
You're right, it is off topic
You're right, it is off topic from the other comments... It actually addressed my concerns. Thank you
Things are going better. She seems to be realizing that compromises are a part of the relationship and we're discussing rather than fighting now.
I know it's going to take some time for both of us to adjust to our different styles of living. I wanted to get some opinions from experienced step parents to find out if I should put my foot down or if that was a bad idea.
Thanks again for your input.
lol…You're welcome! I'm glad
lol…You're welcome!
I'm glad things are going better. It is about discussing, picking your battles, and compromising. If both of you can get that down, it'll work out. It's also really good for the kids to see how a healthy adult relationship functions, that's my stand by line if my H is being stubborn about something.
Whoaaa! What happened from
Whoaaa! What happened from April 13 to Apr 28??
"Things are getting better"...?? Sounds like you are putting a lot in one basket. Perhaps post an update after the next 15 days ..I think that you "feel better" at this moment compared to previous..but it doesnt work that way!
Im going to ask you..What will you NOT do in this situation?I think by giving advise about what TO DO isnt really sinking in.These posters are giving VALID advice. If you have in your head.." I will never hurt this person cuz I love her"..or.." I just cant take that family's house away"...or.."I cant deal with the guilt if I breakup"..."I will feel like a__if I dont get married to her".."I cant live with myself if I hurt them"...etc
If you are making your decision by deduction and following down this path based on what you will avoid.????.Ugh Oh..Spaghetti-o!
DabbyB..this situation is not just you and her. You must accept a life of growing relatives..and your kidsand grandkids ..and your parents and sibs..will have to do the same.
Tell yourself..THERE IS NO URGENCY!