Need support or feedback.
Well, married in April this year and already separated. My back story is long but it involves a SD21 who sold my horse for me and my DH supported her inappropriate and rude behavior over his wife. We are now living separately and are attending counselling only after him being persistent in getting me to see the light and to make it work. I was done a while back and explicitly said I wanted a divorce. I truly meant it at the time as all I could see was my DH always running to defend his spoilt and entitled kids over our lives and marriage. Nope! Not for me.
So here we are living separately and dating. Some days it's great and I love my freedom and life... Then there are other days I hate it and wonder why on earth we are doing what we are doing as we are supposed to be married for goodness sake. Dating is fine but it's also not reality. It really puts a separation between the drudgery of paying the bills and the excitiment of getting dressed up to see each other.
We plan to do this for another year until SS16 finishes high school. Btw.. SS16 has rang authorities and is threatening self harm. That kid has soooo many issues. I know it's not my issue and nor did I raise him. And now he no longer lives with me 24/7 365 days a year, he is no longer may problem. Sounds mean but now I don't have to sit by watching a train wreck occur before my very eyes and feel powerless in being able to help.
Hi Stormy, I remember when
Hi Stormy, I remember when you got married. You had such high hopes. I also remember when SD sold your horse and kept the money and the ensuing drama.
I do think that separating was a self-protective move. DH has a proven track record of placing you below his adult daughter and enabling his son. I'm not certain that a bit of couples therapy will make a huge dent, but perhaps it will. I'm not certain that SS graduating school will happen and that he will ever fully launch.
"Dating is fine but it's also not reality. It really puts a separation between the drudgery of paying the bills and the excitement of getting dressed up to see each other." This is a great observation. It actually made me sit back for a minute and reassess my own situation with SO & I maintaining separate households.
I don't have any good advice, but I'm sending you a sympathetic {hug}.
Thanks for your support
Thanks for your support indigo.. Yeah dating whilst married sounds fun... But it's living in denial. It allows the respective partners to choose to do and deal with the fun things without any financial responsibility. He cancelled the cable subscription and Internet... He's virtually taken everything he had in the house out and is now fully ensconsed in his rental. I still pay for the private medical cover. I'm thinking of taking them off my cover as he cancelled the cable he watches with me. It hurts that we have no financial commitment or connection with each other....it truly is like we are dating.
I wonder If he has stopped paying for his three kids' mobile phone plans?
I think that the financial
I think that the financial element reverberates. It sounds more like you are really done. Your potentially exDH has cut the financial ties except for when it benefits him. I'd cut the medical cover TODAY.
Exactly. Plus once the skids
Exactly. Plus once the skids see that they have succeeded in getting you separated, they will NEVER relent bcause they can see their efforts have worked! Your DH is not strong enough to enforce boundaries.
Walk away now and don't look back.If he was worth it he would not have let you move out in the first place.
I'm so glad you took the time
I'm so glad you took the time to post a response Sally as I know you've been through this yourself living separately from your husband due to his inability to parent his daughter. Are you still living separately? I guess I was thinking isn't this what most people who have been married for so long want? Separate houses and just date? But you are right... I'm fooling myself as its not what I want for my so called marriage. However I know I can't be under one roof living with him and his son. Luckily I don't get to see SD 21 at all but SS16 lives FT with his dad and when with me, lived FT with us in my home. Now they live in a rental.
They are currently waiting in the children's ward for SS16 to be assessed for self harm.... theyve been there since 230.... And he still hasn't been seen. It's now 7pm. He apparently rang the services claiming he wanted to kill himself. And something miss have happened today for DH to drive him to the children's psych ward to be assessed. Perhaps the psychologist called and suggested DH admit him for observation... I don't know as I don't live with them anymore so I only hear snippets or get a text to explain why he isn't coming up to see me this afternoon. It's just crazy that this kid is having these many issues. I call bluff on him as I see it as his ploy to try and get his mother ( whose abandoned him) attention. It's all very sad but it's not my issue. But it does affect me indirectly as it affects DH and by default our ability to be together in a healthy and whole way.
Its a fucking mess and I hate what we are experienceing. I don't know what I need to have happen in order for me to really walk away as I was gone earlier and he convinced me he was trying to make everything work. But I'm the one who said I can't live FT with SS16 as its way to stressful. So I have my self to blame there. He can't turn his back on his own son.... Btw.. This isn't the first time this has happened with his son. There's always something going on with him and unforntunely is skilled at manipulating his environment to get attention. He is a narcissist in the making. Takes after his mother.
Are you happy with the
Are you happy with the looseness of this arrangement too? Does he come to your house to spend time without Fungus or you go to his?
Because in a way our stories are similar in that we have both been upfront with what we want but DH can't abandon his kid so hence us "waiting" until SS16 finishes high school before we live together again. ( just over a year). So I do go about my life and refuse to put my life on hold. I even went on a beautiful trip away on my own to a gorgeous tropical paradise that DH couldn't join me because he said he had to look after his son.. Fine... But I refused to not go because of guilt and I had an absolute time of my life for that week and got brown as a berry. I'm busy everyday with my animals and I train and compete on my horses. In fact I have a show jump competition this evening. So I'm always busy and thats fine but I don't have my husband by myside. That is just weird but I can't allow myself to give up on my life and wait like a wife who's husband is in prison. Just waiting patiently. Nope. It's the pulling away from me that gets me. I could handle another year if I knew we were both on the same page together. I sense we aren't again. It changes like the wind!
Good to see you back and I am
Good to see you back and I am so sorry and sad for you that DH can't keep his kids under control and his head out of his own ass.
Update us on what has transpired when you get a chance. I for one am interested.
Take care of you.
Thanks for your concern
Thanks for your concern everyone... I know I will be ok as through all of this, I have grown stronger in myself ( as I've had to) but I never in my life would ever imagine I would be in this situation... Newly married and living alone.
I hadn't heard from him at all ( last I heard they were still waiting for SS16 to get assessed) and I ended up texting him at 9pm asking him is everything ok and how are things going. He replied that he had just left the hospital and the doctors etc sent him home ( see... Nothing wrong with him other than attention seeking)... Then I said some Blah Blah about stuff and then wondered whether he was going to stay with his son tonight to keep an eye on him ... And he didn't reply. So at 10.30pm I sent him another text saying goodnight and that its been a big day for him and I've left the door unlocked should he wish to slide into bed and snuggle with me ( we live approx 3 mike apart) and he then replied that as much as he wants to be with me he needs to be with his son tonight and that I hope I understand. Side note.. This always happens. He promises me the world and says he is trying hard to make us work and be committe to me whilst we live separately then virtually ignores me and pulls away the minute he starts having personal issues with his kids or work or what ever.. THIS is my issue... Is the pulling away!
So anyway ( as I've heard all this before and it's clearly part of a behavior pattern) I responded to him by replying that I did understand and that he needs to actually be wth him more than one night and to perhaps consider its time to be more hands on with him and slend more time with him as SS16 needs his father as he has no one else. DH replied that he has a lot of calls to make tomorrow and that he isn't sure where to start... Then finished with that he hopes there is still an US afterwards. ( why? This happens every single time.... He just expects me to be ok with him just dumping me and virtually abandoning me and financially cutting us off... Where in that scenario is a marriage? And he hopes that I'm still there waiting for him while he sorts out things in his life? Separate to me?)
So to that last text from him I replied " We have been together for so long and have endured so much together .... But at the end of the day you need to do to support your kids ... All of them. ( passive aggressive I know as it was a dig at how he abandons me the minute his kids break a toe nail). He ignored me and I haven't heard from him since.
So it seems he was making huge progress when talking the talk ( with the help from the. Counsellor) but he struggles to follow through consistently with his actions of being committed to me and walking the walk ....together. The minute there is a crisis... He distances himself. I Didn't expect him to come and stay with me last night but I did expect him to communicate with me what was going on throughout the day-evening. He just reverts back to dealing with stuff on his own and excludes me in his life. I understand I can't help him solve anything, nor do I want to but why do I feel so excluded from his life and why does it hurt so much?
Update: well this isn't a
Update: well this isn't a rosy ending... Unlike the movies. I freaked out yesterday at him as he knew I was "home" but essentially chose to stay at his place on his own whilst waiting to pick up SS16 later on that evening. I'm tired of always needing to fit in around when a kid dictates when he wants to be picked up. And as I said to DH, he ignored my text at 2pm to let him know I was home to only reply to it at 730pm letting me know he is still waiting around to pick up SS16 and will be up later on. I saw red. I said don't bother. I accused him of on,y seeing me when it suited him especially only at night so we have sex and then he leaves without any interaction from him during the day. I said Im sick of just being an option and last on his list of things to do. He thinks I'm acting crazy and being unreasonable as his kid is suicidal and he needs to be there to support him... Wtf! His kid was at a mates place and DH was on his own probably watching TV. We could have done something together and instead he chose to be on his own!
I saw that as a total sign of wanting his cake and eating it too. Nope.
So I said I'm sending the separation papers in the mail to him.
I'm over this shit! And he says he is too. Blah!
Go buy your horse back and be
Go buy your horse back and be rid of this jerk.