You are here

How did you arrange your finances once you married?

Stormyweather's picture

Married last year in April and already separated after 6 months (due to mini wives (SD 21 and SD 19) manipulative involvement, and my DH supporting and believing his adult daughters lies over me)... Long story but I was prepared to break up than to accept treatment from him like he was expecting me to accept... Fast forward to Jan this year and he has since moved back in with me. I own the home and over the years, my DH has contributed to some major renovations ( which allowed his 3 kids to live FT with us)...and now none of them live with us anymore (whoooo hoooo) and I am completely 110% disengaged from his adult daughters and I only enquire now and then about his son16.5 ( who is now living independently in a rental apartment with another teenager set up by his mother who abandoned him years before)... I digress... In other words, his kids are no longer involved in our marriage, other than when they contact him for money and perhaps to see him should they want to, and he will visit them outside of the marital home.. I do not care I'm not invited as I wouldn't waste my valuable time wanting to spend time with manipulative, using, bludging people anyway. No Loss on my part. His family is so toxic.

My question though is about money and I'm trying to stay positive about things in order for us to put the past behind us and to move forward together. He makes more money then me ( but I own the property) and I have a permanent professional career that makes decent money but not as much as him. He still provides for his son and I know for a fact still supports his adult bludging daughters... His choice. We both contribute $500 a week to the house/savings account. I have to contribute $600 a week however as I also owe for my car payment on top as it comes out of that account as well. I would have had to pay it even if it comes out of my own personal account as It was set up to come out of that account instead. I also bring in an extra $150 a week from a boarder is renting a room ( it used to be SS16s room my DH converted and I am now renting it out for $150 a week.) DH however contributes a flat $500 a week. Anyway, I'm looking to drop down my hours at work so I can pursue a career change and go back and do some more study and look to go into my own business hopefully next year. I need however to cover my share as agreed. I am independent and don't expect my DH to financially support me, but I do get really resentful when I know he is supporting his ADULT daughters who work casual hours so they can chase their dream ( one is a surfer and works PT and the other ( whom I despise the most is purchasing a $40k horse and thinks she's a top class equestrian... She's not even close)...and she has recently lost her drivers licence and blames her father for not paying her car registration and having bald tyres because he didn't pay the rego or buy her news tyres!!! I don't begrudge my DH continuing to support his son as he is still underage.

The two mini wives text and ring him constantly and I see him transfer money online into their accounts. I have to get up and leave the room it disgusts me that much....The same when they ring ( on Valentine's day as a recent example so they can see him).... I will leave the room. I never say to my DH that can't have a relationship with his kids but I choose not to be involved in his life where his kids are concerned, as I can't stand the hypocrisy. I guess I'm a threat to the mini wives as far as their fathers attention and money is concerned...
But that's the thing.. I'm married to him but we live financially separately. It's the weirdest feeling as i value my husband and I having each other's back and knowing he's there to catch me if I fall ( or loose my job or want to change careers).... But I don't feel that with him. He even mentioned to me he was going to loan a good friend of his $5000 as he was struggling and I was like WTF!! I calmly tried to explain that I do things differently and put us first... And then he was all defensive saying we never go without...wtf... Yes we do... Well I do as I pay my own way and I'm paying off the car he is currently driving as he smashed his ( he is going to get a replacement one and he was thinking about getting a 4WD and I got all excited as I said then I could sell my 4WD and pay off my car loan and he can drive my other car when I need to drive the 4WD to my horse competitions on the weekends I need it... He said no... Sigh... I dont feel like he treats me like a wife at all as it's like we are more Like two flat mates sharing a house together who happen to sleep together. Is this how second marriage are?

In my first marriage everything was a shared pot and we both had each others backs. But then neither of us had skids. Am I unreasonable for feeling resentful?

Stormyweather's picture

I guess thats what my DH wants too... An arrangement like you've got with yours. Neither is right or wrong.. It just suits you two.

But for me it's how it makes me feel insecure. Like if I was to look at reducing my teaching load, I can't as I need to cover my contribution despite earning less. So what my DH earns ( or my full wage as well) isn't shared as a pool together. It makes me feel uneasy especially feeling like my husband dosent have my back.... Isn't that what being married is?

I need to hear posts like this though which helps me to accept my lot in life.

And as for a will....I said I've made my DH my beneficiary for my superannuation ( so he gets my retirement fund in the event of my death) and I'm leaving the house to him should I die before him... But he hasn't returned the favor... Which I fear means he is planning to leave everything to his kids.

TwoOfUs's picture

That situation would bother me, too. When you say you each put $500 a week into the household account...does that pay the mortgage? Does it pay for any food for your skids? How often do they stay there...or do they?

I'm asking because if he is bringing more people into the household...and that household pot is being used to pay for utilities and groceries for them...then, at minimum, he should be contributing more to the household account than you are. This may, in part, be why you're feeling uneasy and, maybe, used. Also, if your DH is driving your car he should split the payment.

My DH and I have a similar arrangement. Our paychecks go into personal business accounts and we each contribute to the household account. Right now, we split the expenses right down the middle except for child support. Or, that's the goal. I generally make more than my DH...though if he has a good month he'll make more than me. He also has far more business expenses than I do, though. I have three skids, two of whom still come over EOW. I guess, technically, DH should be contributing more to the household account, but we're very easygoing about it...sometimes I make more and I contribute more...sometimes I hit a rough patch and he has more, so he contributes more. In general, we try to do 50/50. I would make an issue of it, but it took me so long to get to the point where DH is regularly contributing half that I don't want to overwhelm him or jinx it Smile It's annoying when the skids are here taking 5 showers a day and leaving lights on all over the place...but I deal.

Say all that to say...you have to be flexible to an extent where finances and skids are concerned...but I would lay down some ground rules. I would start by making him contribute more to the household account than you since he's got more people there.

memyselfandi's picture

We both have our own accounts also. I'm not working at the time, but going to school full time to get my Associates Degree in Health Information Technology. However I AM also looking for full time work. Drives me nuts not having my own money as he's always so darned tight when it comes to me yet he spends like a fiend on himself!!

Makes me extremely angry!! I've discussed it with him and he seemed to get it but everyday I look at our account and more money is spent on Amazon, trips to JC Penney where he's spent over a thousand dollars on what he claims are suits and ties for is new job.

As many of you know, he works out of State and recently moved to a new management position where he needs to dress up for work. I can understand that, but he also told me that he mainly has to wear khakis and a nice shirt most days, and only needs to wear suits if he has an important meeting. He lives in Kansas so I really don't see the need for him to dress like "Georgio Armani" complete with tie tacks and a new expensive Apple Watch.

He received a $25,000 a year raise, so he's making really good money. Him spending a little bit of money on himself is no problem to me, but when he spends like a fiend, it's starting to make me a bit angry as if I spend $96 on getting my hair done, he gives me a guilt trip, even when I pay for it myself. One time he blew a major gasket because I bought a Baker's rack for $35.00 with my own money. I made the mistake of leaving the price tag on it and he thought it was an enormous amount of cash to pay for a hunk of junk. To this day he and his son continue to remind me of it. Enough was enough and finally one day I spoke up and told them that it was going to be the LAST time I hear them complain about a $35.00 Baker's rack that I use to store my clothes on.

He needed to furnish his apartment and got a $10,000 moving package from him employer when he moved, and that he blew through most of in a matter of a few weeks. Granted he needed to get a bed and mattress, a couch, coffee table, etc., but he's also treated himself to a $1400 treadmill, amongst other things. He was kind enough to buy me a new laptop for $250.00 (open box model..there was a pixel missing, which isn't noticeable to me), and I appreciated that.

I understand that he works hard and is paying a lot of the bills right now, but I am still kicking in with my unemployment and money from my savings.

When I WAS working, he'd come home on vacation and expect me to pick up all the bills while he had fun and games with his entire paycheck. I really didn't mind at first, but seeing him go overboard all the time with things, it has gradually gotten under my skin. Again, while I was working, I paid the cable bill and many of the other housing bills while he paid the water bill and the house bill. I took care of my own car maintenance, put new tires on my car, in addition to my own groceries.

We have insurance, and a health savings account, but all that goes to his daughter who has many issues with allergies. I had some health issues that came up and when the bill came, he refused to pay it, so I paid that also.

A few times before when he flew home, he asked if he could put his flight on my charge card, promising to pay me back, since all his charge cards were maxed. What he ran them up with, I have no idea. He was supposed to have one free in case of emergency and then another one for his flights when he came home. Well my charge bill has become well over a year old now and he insists on just paying the minimum balance. Barely puts a dent in it when the interest rate is rather high. In addition, with the good money he makes, he was just paying the minimum balances on them; continuing to spend spend spend.

Last time he was home we had issues with our shower. He and his son tried to fix it, but did more harm then good, so we hired a plumber to come in. The total cost of that was $600. Good Lord, the look on his face!! So I offered to kick in half for it, which he gladly accepted.

The thing that makes me angriest about his terrible spending habits is the fact that he owes my dad well over $4000. I've brought this up several times and he just gets defensive. My dad was kind enough to borrow it to him, in addition to paying off my wedding ring, while my dear hubby spent and spent on his kids. Hubby told me that we'd get a band for it one day; yet I knew that would never happen. My dad told me that he wasn't walking me down the aisle without a wedding band attached to my engagement ring that would "seal the deal" and would also be blessed, so he borrowed him the money to pay it off. A few weeks later my hubby asked if he could borrow another $3000 and PROMISED he'd pay it back as soon as he had the money. He also borrowed several thousand from him parents and as a downpayment to make sure he paid them back, he gave them a bunch of coins from his coin collection. A week after our wedding, when he got paid, he paid them back in full, while my 87 year old dad, who is now in a nursing facility, sits and waits, as he hasn't paid him back one red cent.

The list goes on and on as he refused to pay for shots for our Golden Retriever (she was mine before we got married) so she could go up North with him...I coughed that up too. While up North, I told him what a pig she is with food and will eat and eat, so he shouldn't leave her out if there was a lot of food around. Because I was working, I was only able to go up North for the weekend for his dad's 80th birthday party. His entire family has dogs and they always feed them when they get there. Of course he wasn't watching her and I finally put her in the cabin as my hubby had already overfed her; and she was pushing all the other dogs out of the way and eating their food also. I'd put her in the cabin again and before I knew it, he was letting her out again!! We decided to go into town and I told him to leave her in the cabin while we were gone, but he told me, "She'll be fine.."

Well she wasn't and luckily there wasn't much going on in town, so we came back early, to find our Golden not her active self at all. She was trying to throw up all over the yard and producing nothing, even though she had eaten enough for a herd of dogs. I checked her belly and it was distended so I knew, after going through this with my previous Golden, that it was Bloat (in other words, a twisted stomach). Of course he didn't believe me and had to check the internet!! Her gums were pale and I knew we had to get her to a vet ASAP. Long story short, she DID have Bloat and the bill was $1600. Of course I paid that too as he told me he could pay a little at a time, yet not even half of it.

Whatever!!

Property taxes he lets go also. We bough my parents house and the last thing I needed was a lien on our home, so I coughed up the money to pay them off too.

Funny that he told me before we were married that it was his ex that had a spending problem, thus the reason for their divorce. She was always buying new furniture and this and that..blah blah blah. I think they BOTH had spending issues as he's proving in OUR marriage.

This whole thing has been festering for a number of years now as I've been keeping my mouth shut. As the anger grew and grew, and after asking him if he could please use some of that $10,000 and pay my dad back. It would have left him $6000 to work with..and still a good chunk of change to furnish his apartment with along with buying a few new suits.

Yet, Mr. Sentive Moneybags got all defensive over my suggestion and said, "We'll get there.." I've been hearing this for YEARS and now that he had the money..he could have even paid some..if even half. Nope.

I find him not even trying to pay my dad back soo very disrepectful (as he paid HIS parents back right away!!). Had I borrowed money from his parents and didn't pay it back, he'd be livid!! I wouldn't think of doing such a thing to such wonderful in laws. My dad has been soo very good to us and he's a wonderful Father in Law. He asked me a while back if my ring was paid for..meaning, had my hubby paid back the money he'd borrowed to pay off my ring. I couldn't lie to him and told him he was working on it. My dad got a bit fired up and told me that he didn't mind borrowing him money for this that and something else, but with the good money my hubby was making, he could at LEAST pay back the money he'd borrowed him for my ring. He certainly didn't help pay for 90% of the wedding..I did, with the money I made working, so the money he borrowed went for useless overspending on his kids. He bought them each a new laptop, in addition to treating himself to an $800 one.

I was in disagreement with it the whole time, telling him that we had bills to pay (including paying back my dad), but he kept whining about it and throwing it in my face. Everytime I turned on my computer, the ad was there for the damned thing; we' be in bed and he'd bring up the ad for it on his tablet. We'd go to Best Buy and the first place he'd go was to that stupid $800 tablet; Walmart, Target..same thing. The kicker was when we were sitting at the kitchen table with my stepdaughter and she asked if he was going to go get his new computer that day. He told her, "She won't let me get it..", rather than accept the responsibility that we couldn't afford it and had bills to pay. Of course my SD piped in and said that he works alot and pays ALL the bills (yeah right), and that it was terrible that I didn't let him have it. I tried to explain that we had bills to pay, but she wanted none of it and of course sided with Daddy.

As we went to Best Buy that day, he decided to reel me in by buying me a new speaker for my computer (as SS had taken mine), and with that finished, he went right to that computer as SD stood there and said, "You should get to have this Daddy.." I finally caved and told him to just get it!! Was so livid I went outside to cool down. He came out with it, got into the car, and said, "Thank you honey..I know I've been badgering you about this for days and I really don't feel right about it, but thank you.."

What.Ever!!

All these things have been festering for years now..especially the talk I had with my hubby suggesting that he pay my dad back recently..and his defensive attitude about paying it back. While he got this huge raise..this huge amount of money for a moving package, etc., he refused to even make an effort!!

And as Mr. Moneybags continues to spend and spend and spend like money is flowing out his ears..he sent me roses on Valentine's Day. I was really thankful that he did such a sweet thing..until he told me that he'd sent his daughter the same thing. I blew a gasket sounding like a spoiled brat regarding why he had to always do the same thing for his daughter that he did for me. I'm his wife/she's his daughter..and there's a difference. Just because he buys ME something doesn't mean he has to buy HER the same thing~and isn't there ever anything sacred given to me as his wife??!

Of course it turned into an arguement and he's barely talked to me in five days now after he hung up on me. Of course he had to text me and tell me that if it made me feel any better, SD roses were dead already and sent me a pic of them. That wasn't really what this arguement was about and had he given me a chance to get into it more..the feelings that I've kept in for so long would have been discussed. I texted him back and told him that this had absolutely NOTHING do to with his daughter, but more about us; in addition to calling and ordering his daughter new replacement roses. All he said was thanks. Still hasn't officially talked to me as he has a mad on.

I texted him back and told him that I love my SD like my own and if he'd just listen..but he won't. It was HIS stupid mistake and he'll never admit he's wrong. I believe he knows darned well what it's really all about, yet won't deal with it. Instead he punishes me with the silent treatment..knowing darned well that it's not like me to blow a gasket over him sending the same color roses; that's just a part of it..him not thinking. He doesn't allow me to be her mom as she already has one of those. Instead he wants me to be her friend, which I am and I treat the kids like gold. He's also told me to never tell him how to raise his kids, so I've backed off from that one also.

From the very beginning I've made it clear to my SD that this will never be a competition between her and I..that I am her dad's wife..and she is her Daddy's little girl. Nobody can take the place of that and I told her that even when he walks her down the aisle when she get's married, he'll never give her away, as she'll always, ALWAYS be his little girl. My Dad and I have that pact also, as I'm a Daddy's girl.

Anyway..

This isn't at all what I signed up for as before we were married, he kept telling me how great it was going to be; being a family and I'd make such a great stepmom for his kids. They love me to pieces, yet I barely see them. Problem with him is that he only likes sharing them when I can do something with his daughter when she's in town (they live 4 hours away). We spend hours together laughing and talking and are very close when she's here. Have to compete with Grandma though as she kind of hogs them, but I do my best to understand.

My hubby has been married three times previous to ours and I think his money spending habits, along with his childish attitude ended those marriages also. Making all sorts of money has gone to his head along with being in management. He's used to getting his own way and this new position he has will do nothing to change that. I told him that before he accepted this positon, that he should give it some good hard thought. He'd be making much more money..along with being in a position with much more authority. Could he handle that without him changing how he treats me?

It's been a few months now and I thought this new position had actually changed him for the better, as he sounds happier, we have had longer talks on the phone, etc. He was happy with his position, happy with his employees, etc. Yet it still has spoiled him as he spends all the additional money he's making, refuses to share much; AND with his new authority, he's become spoiled. He gets what he wants for his private office on the company credit card including a second desk in his office, new office chair, etc. The list goes on and on and I can't believe the company allows it. I also believe that he spends half his time both in and out of the office on Amazon, as he also bought himself two new monitors (the one they had for him wasn't good enough..), at the cost of over $400.00 for both, telling me that he's the boss and can do what he wants.

Again. Whatever.

I'm sorry this is so long and I appreciate if you've read this far. I just had to get some of these feelings out as I've been keeping them in for a very long time. Some I've vented here, but the whole story..this isn't what I signed up for. He was such a different person before we got married and now that the wrapper has come off..all the things that he described his ex wife as..giving him the silent treatment and not talking to him for days; being such a spend thrift, etc..all describe HIM.

memyselfandi's picture

I'm soo sorry if I stuck my long post about my own troubles into the middle of someone else's post. It was supposed to be at the end and somehow got stuck in the middle. ugh..so sorry!!

Amcc13's picture

This is an awful situation. He owes so much money to everyone.
Do you think you guys could get some marriage and financial coaching?
Otherwise take your name off everything and leave cause he is doomed

Stormyweather's picture

OOOHHH wow!!! Ive only just read your comments and I wanted to say thank you for taking the time to post your experiences and I hope you are doing ok....and that I TOTALLY understand. Our stories are sort of similar as are our DHs attitudes to money. Mine too is a spend a holic and buys heaps for his kids too...more so in the past as work has been harder to come by so hes had to be more frugal....but its not to save for US...but for HIM so he can do what he wants for himself...including loaning a friend $5000 because hes having a hard time....but I continue to pay for my car loan and putting the cost of doing further study on my credit card. Theres no thought for his wife as someone to provide for...but he provides for others and thinks of others first...why?. My take? He has narcissistic qualities and it makes HIM feel good (by being the big man) saving other people when he knows I need help too, but wont offer it to me as he already has me.... he dosent need to work at keeping me happy anymore or to prove himself to me....we are married and technically I'm suppose to stay put.

Your man sounds narcissistic too...on the upper end of the scale. all behaviors he exhisbits point in that direction. Have you checked out narcissism and what it means??

PLUS he sounds passive aggressive. WOW...you are in for a bumby ride...and I am too!! Please contact me personally if you want to continue chatting as I believe we can help each other to cope. xxx

memyselfandi's picture

I couldn't agree with you more. This morning I thought I'd put it out there in a very nice way that it worries me that we're not on the same page regarding money; and I know that since he finally is making some good money..it's great to spend some money on himself..yet we have bills to pay and eventually they're going to have to be paid.

He was in agreement until he started talking about all the things he wanted to buy for himself like an IPad; and an Apple Watch..and and and. Kind of blew my hair back all the nice things he wanted for myself when the only thing I've been asking for since the beginning of time was to have my mom's wedding ring redone at the cost of $1500.00.

Well, he thinks that's just plain out of the questions, yet I'll bet the costs between his IPad and his Apple watch are about that much...and over!! His daughter wants to go out there for the rest of the school year to finish school in the school system out there and he's all over setting her up with a brand new bedroom complete with the bed she wants, an XBox, etc.

The 14 year old has had a new bedroom set every year since we've been together. Stupid pieces of crap she wants from Walmart that she jumps around on and are ruined in a very short amount of time, made from cheap press board. I suggested he get her ONE good bedroom set that she can live with for the rest of her life, but of course that's too expensive.

If we added up the pieces of crap she's had over the years..they'd well have paid for a good bedroom set.

They're not my kids so what I have to say holds no weight. When he was broke she'd go ahead and sell all the things she had in order to get what she wanted including the expensive dress I'd bought for her that she'd wanted forever for our wedding rehearsal. I had it packed away along with the dress she wore for our wedding, yet she wouldn't stop bothering me about having it until I finally wanted to throw it at her. I told her to try it on here first to see if it fit, but when I was at work one day, hubby told me she'd tried it on and that it fit her. I'm sure that was another big fat lie!!

I'm finished buying her nice things with my own money..in fact I'm finished buying her things with his money also..

memyselfandi's picture

The thing that makes me the angriest is the fact that we blew through most of MY savings for the things WE needed. This did not include furniture, but rather things he just didn't want to pay for like property taxes, shots for the dogs, etc. He'd rather die than pay for THOSE expenses; yet when the kids want to go out to eat at a fast food joint at the cost of $35.00 a time (while I merely order a soda because I can't believe how the expense gets run up over these sorts of things), he has no problem.

I remember the ONE time I brought up the expenses of fast food and how it would be so much easier to just grocery shop and eat at home as a family.

Of course his son looked in the fridge and slammed it shut saying, "Nothing but 'jailfood' in there", as I replied, "Don't eat then..", but of course Dad had to run him and his sister up to the corner for some chicken as the cost of $27.00 for two piece of chicken a piece and a 12 pack of soda when we already had enough food in the house to feed an army..at their request when they send me to the grocery store with a list a mile long!!

Later on that night, Disney Daddy decided to order himself a Rocky's pizza at the cost of $27.00 plus delivery!!

Along with the IPad he plans to buy for himself..and the Apple Watch he wants; he's also decided that his Apple IPhone S6 is no longer good enough and plans to order the lastest one as the cost I'm sure is well over $800.00. When I asked him why, he told me because his IPhone S6 doesn't do NEARLY as much as this one does!! He stood in line when the latest Iphone came out for over THREE hours just to SEE it while his eye bugged out of their sockets!!

Not only that but this man wears those stupid wireless headphones around his neck like they're jewelry and I just recently noticed that he'd bought himself another pair at the cost of $299.00 from Amazon!!!!

But that's okay..I don't really need to have my mom's ring redone. It's expensive and know it. I'd much rather he spent that money paying my dad back, yet I don't see that happening either. He's much too busy worrying about himself.

Granted..I can't hold him ALL wrong as he did take the time to order me red roses for Valentine's Day, which was very nice. Funny things was that he ordered his daughter a dozen red roses also. How very strange to send your daughter romantic colored roses, yet he didn't quite get that.

He doesn't quite get anything when it comes to his daughter as it was just short of a year ago that he was crawling into bed with her when she'd come knocking on our door, playing "afraid of the dark" and "Daddy..could you please come sit with me for a bit?". Most parents would find that more than strange and a daughter a little old to be cuddled in her bed at 13 years old.

Funny, I talked to my OWN dad about this and he told me that had I walked into he and my mom's bedroom at 13 years old and told him that I was afraid to sleep by myself, he would have gotten up, tucked me back in again..and told me to go back to sleep. Had I done it again..I probably would have gotten a good spank on the rear and told to go back to sleep and don't worry about the dark!!

And I'm a Daddy's Girl!! Thing my dad told me recently was, "How the heck were you going to grow up if I or your mother didn't HELP you grow up?? No molly-coddling HERE!!"

And it's true. My parents said no when they needed to all the time whether my sister liked it or not!! One time I had a flat tire and my dad told me that the car wouldn't move unless I learned to change it myself...and stood behind me until I'd changed that flat tire!! He taught me how to change my oil also also and told me the same, "Nobody's going to change it for you..stood behind me and taught me how to change that too. Same thing went for headlights and blinkers, etc.

I learned the hard way with all the love in the world behind me. I wish he'd teach HIS kids that way, but no..they'll learn the hard way..the VERY hard way!!

notsurehowtodeal's picture

Stormy, I think you have way more problems than how to deal with the finances in your marriage. You do not need to "accept my lot in life." You have the power to change your life - you changed it when you separated from your DH. You deserve to be happy and to feel valued.

You said, "I don't feel like he treats me like a wife at all as it's like we are more Like two flat mates sharing a house together who happen to sleep together. Is this how second marriage are?"

No, this is not how second marriages are. I'm on my third marriage - this is the first one with skids. We are way more than roommates who sleep together. We value each other and take care of each other. It doesn't matter which marriage it is - you deserve to have the marriage you want.

You also said, "In my first marriage everything was a shared pot and we both had each others backs. But then neither of us had skids. Am I unreasonable for feeling resentful"

Of course you are not unreasonable for feeling resentful. Husbands and wives should have each others backs. When one needs help, whether financial, physical or emotional, the other should provide it. Skids can make things more difficult, but they shouldn't alter the basic foundation of the marriage - which is to love and support each other.

Why are you paying off the car he is driving? Didn't he get an insurance settlement so he can buy another car? I'd stop that right now. Do what you need to so you have the vehicle you need to go to the horse shows.

In my marriage all the money is combined. We make major purchasing decisions together and consult each other on big personal purchases. I handle all money matters because I'm better at it. In your case I think you are wise to keep the finances separate because I think there is a real possibility you are going to split up again. You need to make sure you can make it without him. It is pretty clear that money he could be providing to the marriage is going to his daughters.

I'm sure you had your reasons for taking him back. However, given your back story and today's update, it may not have been the best decision if you want to be happy. It doesn't seem like he will be able or willing to meet your needs. You are not asking for too much!

Stormyweather's picture

This is my take deep down too in that he is keeping things separate because he is worried he will be "kicked out" like I've done previously ( it's my home) but as I've said to him well don't treat me like an arse and you won't be kicked out. He does this sometimes where he acts like he is the victim and being hard done by when it was him who caused the issue In the first place and I've just stood firm!! I've only "kicked him out" because I got to to the end of my tether and had enough BS to last a life time!

I figured with the skids no longer living with us at all ( and they don't even visit...) we stood a chance at making it. So I was prepared to put it aside and "forgive" his behavior and move past all the conflict. Hence the leaving the room when they call... I have detached myself even physically and I never enquire about his daughters let alone say their name. That's a HUGE thing for me as I'm a secondary teacher who loves kids and I've raised three awesome young successful independent women on my own ( with whom I have an amazing close relationship with)... But I despise his kids. Says a lot about them and how they've been raised (entitled).

The $500 each does cover the mortgage... It covers all expenses related to the running of the house and then we estimate there should be some left over to start saving.

The 4WD is mine that Ive got a car loan on and I'm paying off ( plus I have another car I drive to work he bought me). He totalled his and is expecting a payout soon. I suggested he continue to drive my 4WD seen he is anyway and put the payout figure towards the car loan. To help me reduce the loan seeing we are now married ... That sort of thinking. But he prefers a zipper faster car so he said he didn't want to. So I have 2 cars one of which sits idolly unless he uses it for work himself or I use it to float my horse to a horse event. The fact he said earlier he wanted to look at buying s 4WD months ago as part of his company package ( he is a business owner) I said great yes... That's a great idea then I can sell my 4WD and get rid of my car loan and I can use his 4WD only on the weekends I need it and he can use my other car.... Seemed logical to me... I remember He looked shocked At my suggestion and I can only guess it's because he was going to buy a 4WD so his daughter could have access to it as she has a horse float ( bought by him) but no 4WD... So I bet he was planning on letting her use it and he would use another car he had as well. So me suggesting I could use it ( and rightly so I'm his wife) put s spanner in his daughters entitled works! I bet a weeks wage those two had planned that but hadn't planned for me to say I wanted to drive it instead. But that's my point I think.. He dosent think of me but still thinks of providing for his adult daughter.

notsurehowtodeal's picture

I love the idea of horses "floating" to an event. I have this vision of them gently floating in the air behind the truck! Float is a much nicer word than trailer.

It does make sense that he is holding back, both financially and emotionally, since he is concerned you may ask him to leave again. Although I'm with you - if he wouldn't act like such an idiot you wouldn't think of telling him to leave.

Stormyweather's picture

"I can see him thinking that your attitude is what's mine is mine and what's his should be ours".

Perhaps this is what he is thinking deep down....after all I did kick him out after his shoddy treatment of me....but i was willing to compensate him once I sold the house and gave him an amount (seeing we were only technically married 6 months).

But.. IM NOT THINKING THIS WAY at all!!

I want to share (always wanted to), to feel safe and secure knowing we have each others back. I have the main assets the house and i was more than happy to open that up to him and his kids (when they were living with me) but I refuse to allow any one to expect me to be the last on the ladder in my own home and his kids used me and expected me to provide for them (he couldn't because he was paying his lawyer)....meanwhile adult SD20 was unemployed and not lifting a finger to help or contribute in other ways....but I digress...

Also, the $150 a week I get from renting out the room he renovated I don't spend on myself but contribute it to our house account for expenses on the house (as it seems he no longer has plans to contribute financially after I kicked him out and hes now returned). So I'm being punished for having standards and I was expected (by DH) to just wear it...and not have a say in how I'm treated and let him continue living with me??? No thanks.

And incidentally, i will ask him to leave again if he continues to emotionally abuse me like hes down in the past....I am no ones emotional punching bag and expected to suck up being treated badly (but defends his kids all the way)..

memyselfandi's picture

I so agree notsure. Everyone married deserves to be valued by their spouse; both financially, physically and emotionally, including having each other's backs!!

There should NEVER be a time where a woman doesn't feel those things from her husband, yet sometimes when the wrappers come off after being married for a bit..we find some real monsters in the closet.

notsurehowtodeal's picture

And I agree with you - sometimes it does take awhile to see the monster.

wickedcool stepmum's picture

Hey Biggrin You're in South Australia like me!! Hey neighbor.

I go 50-50 with my DH for rent/bills/etc. Everything else is separate. He's silly with money and I earn a fair bit more. If we're saving for something (like the 6 week OS trip we just had) we'll save in a mutual account.

Your situation sounds really unfair though. You're stronger than me for being able to bite your tongue in relation to the skids

Things will get hairy for me though as we want to save for a house deposit soon, and when $$$ are under the microscope he starts to get the sh*ts on when he compares our earnings and his expenditure is looked at.

SugarSpice's picture

i feel your pain.

we married when the mini wifes were 4 and 5 years old. i had a full time job.

about a year into marriage, i bought some clothes for myself. i was a newly wed and wanted to look my best. i showed dh my new clothes. dh only said to me how much did my clothes cost him. keep in mind i bought them with my own money.

after that i made separate bank accounts. like hell was i going to pay for anything for his skids.

memyselfandi's picture

I soo agree, and thus I have my own bank account for many reasons. He spends like a fiend not only on himself, but on his kids. If we had a joint account, I think I'd go nuts as he'd spend not only his own money, but mine too!!

SecondGeneration's picture

We are marrying in the next few months.

At this point we split the household bills equally; my fiance is responsible for his personal extras (child support, mobile phone, etc) I am responsible for my personal extras (contact lenses, mobile phone, car expenses, etc)

We have totally separate bank accounts, however, once we are married we are going to create a joint account (keeping our separate accounts).
The joint account is going to be a joint account and a joint savings account. All household bills will then come from this joint account, we will both be paying in a certain amount per week/month to cover those cost. We will also both be paying in a certain amount per week/month to savings. That savings will then be used for household/family purchases; holidays for example.

Whatever is left in our personal accounts is down to us to do what we wish with.

Stormyweather's picture

I guess our model for separate finances ( but joint house account ) is the norm in Steptalk world. It does make me feel better about it. I'm just not used to not sharing our asessts and financial resources. So when my DH works huge hours and makes a lot of money, I can't share in his joy as I know he isn't sharing it with me. It's for him. To me it defeats the purpose of getting married. I'm willing to share my asserts and resources but he isn't. We should have stayed as BF and GF because the lack of financial commitment means we can walk away if we get tired of things.

And I agree with what you are saying iamaSmon.... He is being protective now after being asked to leave previously and us separating. I was more than happy to split (amilcably)... It was he who continued to pursue me and wear my resolve down and now he is being protective and I want transparency?? It's tiring. Honestly, sometimes what he says dosent translate into what the outcome actually is. He has said we will be partners in life and we are in this together... But then go about and arrange for us to live separate lives? It's confusing. Perhaps he just needs time to know I'm in for the long haul.... But part of me secretly wants to run away and join the circus.

TwoOfUs's picture

Well...we have separate accounts now because I insisted. He spends a lot not only on his kids and himself but also on his business. I don't think he's frugal with business expenses, and it was all coming out of the same pot since we're both freelance. I set up a "business" account for each of us and a household account that we both contribute to. I manage the household account in addition to my business account and tell him what he needs to deposit from his business account at the beginning of each month. If he can't make the deposit...he has to hustle up some more work. I do an end of the month report and a projected budget for the new month that we sit down and discuss together...still, it's like pulling teeth to get him to talk money with me, even though I try to make it as positive / upbeat as possible and don't nag or blame...just state facts. I think he prefers to just swipe the card and let me deal with managing the aftermath.

My hope was that seeing what he's got coming in and what goes out will cause him to start being better at managing his business and skid purchases. Before, he would just get what he "needed" and I'd have to cut back on our household expenses or find some more money somewhere...his contributions as well as his spending were both basically invisible to him since he never checks the household account, so he didn't really understand how little he was contributing after his expenses. Now, he at least sees directly the effect of his spending. I've also started refusing to cover any of his "half" if he comes up short. It does seem to be working, to a degree.

My preference would be a husband who actually enjoys discussing finances with me and making plans for the future and sticking to them...but he's got a lot of other strengths and excellent qualities...so this is my compromise, financially. I'll take on the responsibility as long as he's making a basically fair contribution to the household. My accountant also told me that having separate business accounts is better in case of an audit in addition to simplifying filing taxes.

intrinsicmemory's picture

Call me old fashioned, but my DH earns the money, and I control the household finances. Paying bills, making budgets to save for large purchases, taxes, the dreaded CS...

However, I also never hide the state of the finances from my DH, and we can very comfortably talk about money, even when times aren't the best (like right now thanks to an illness in the family). If DH wants something (a tv, a new toy, a set of books or Bluray, etc, he tells me, and I make it happen.

My signature goes on the CS check, I set aside money to buy SD clothes when BM can't seem to figure out just which Starbucks she left the CS in, I am the one that purchases gifts for SD.

Taking control of the finances was the ONLY way to stop The Disney Dad from spending himself into homelessness.

My only saving grace is an amazing DH. I'm not one to ask or demand something of value for myself, except pens!!!, and I'm an insane bargain hunter, when I have to go shopping for myself, DH won't let me flinch at price tags, and encourages me to shop for full priced things (I still only shop clearance).

Stormyweather's picture

Perhaps I am old fashioned too... But with the ability to work in a professional field and be able to contribute as well. I feel resentment that he willingly supports his adult children who work PT and who are pursuing their dreams but I feel this need to put aside mine ( can't afford to take time off from work to pay my contribution as well as to buy myself incidentals like hair dresser appointments, massages and makeup etc).... So I'm stuck worki FT in a job that disempowers me because I feel my husband will be reluctant to support me in my endeavours to pursue a career change ( and nor do I feel good about asking him to)..... But I still feel resentful that he continues to support his adult kids without considering my needs in the marriage. He says he will support me ( but that's more about agreeing to me wanting a career change... I got the sense it wasn't about financially supporting me).

And unfortunately I don't have a sense of ease discussing Finances... It makes us both feel uncomfortable. And I've heard him carry on about his ex wife who didn't work and how much he disrespected her by not wanting to work while the kids were little. I've always worked and even always been higher wage earner in my previous marriage but everything was shared.... I guess it comes down to different value systems at play here.

The bottom line? If I was single I wouldn't be able to entertain going back to study and looking for a career change with the house hold expenses like I've got.... So I guess there's my answer and the $500 he contributes is a bonus to my life all the sane ( trying to look at things positively).

Stormyweather's picture

The two of you have put each other's feeling secure at the bottom of your priority list while each putting your own security at the top of your priority list.

My DH is doing this...I want to share and have complete financial transparency. He doesn't. He values doing what he wants when he wants more than having a shared vision.

memyselfandi's picture

Yep Stormy..I hate the fact that my husband and I don't have a shared vision when it comes to money. He'd rather kick the bills to the back burner and worry about them later while he spends on all his expensive technical toys that will be useless in a matter of months and then go out and spend again on the next new technology that comes out.

It's like his fingers itch when the next IPhone comes out and he'll stand in line for hours just to ogle over the stupid thing.

Our taxes go for his copays on his pharmacy copays that he refuses to pay. Then he complains that we don't get any taxes back!! Last year it was $2000.00!!

If I was able to hit him upside the head with some sort of object to knock some sense into him....Good GAWD what a moron!~!