DP and HIS Disengagement
So DP was gone all day on Saturday, which left me doing all the errands and some chores and with the SDs all day. This was not planned - I expected him to be gone in the morning but return early afternoon. He didn't get back until dinner. He's been stressed the last week with work so he decided to go on a long bicycle ride (which he does from time to time but he needs to TELL me if he's going on a long one and usually it's when the SDs aren't with us).
The SDs were great, as they usually are when ONLY I am around.
SD11 told me Saturday afternoon that she was lucky because "her parents aren't strict and basically let us do what we want."
Yeah, that sums it up AND confirms what I thought about BMs house too.
GREAT
So Sunday I had a facial then took SD11 to a movie (pre-planned weeks ago otherwise I wouldn't have done it and I kind of wanted to see it too so bonus - DP paid for it).
I get home and DP looks like a crazy person. He's been home with SD9 all day. He cannot handle it. He says, "I don't know what to do. She's bored, or she doesn't want to do this or that, she didn't eat anything I made for her...etc etc."
So he got it all aout.
I told him he looked like a crazy person (in a nice way and he laughed) and he said, "I just don't know what to do."
I simply told him to put down his phone, his iPad, his devices and just TAKE her somewhere. It's not rocket science.
Then he said he's frustrated with himself because he's at loose ends. I'm starting to wonder if he's in his winter doldrums due to lack of sunlight.
SD9, almost 10, is also starting to have what I think are hormone over-reactions/emotionsal stuff and he's completely at a loss on how to deal. He does have issues with depression at times, most often in the fall/winter and I have to take that into consideration. Yes, he is on meds for it.
He basically admitted he was nervous about dealing with SD9 today as she's out of schoo for the week and then SD11 will be home after school. He's NERVOUS around his girls because he's SCARED of their reactions.
I told him he's too disengaged. Period. And that I am not disengaged enough. There - I told him! Told him to go to the beach, go to one of the numerous walking trails or bicycling trails near our house, clean their freaking bathroom because it's disgusting (SD9 finally said so last night - there was tissue IN the bathtub for god knows what reason), run the vacuum, bring some firewood inside, just do something. Get off the couch and MOVE.
I left a nice note for him this morning so hopefully things will improve today because I'm, at this point, mostly not helping with SDs basic things (oh, but SD11 did her own laundry yesterday - a breakthrough!)...but because DP isn't responding they come to me. I can re-direct somewhat but now it's very clear I've got to work with DP.
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He's usually not this bad,
He's usually not this bad, but I've noticed it over the past week and a half.
Funny about the jacket thing. He asked me if SD9 had any warm things to wear. I told him yes, but she hates to layer or wear coats so he'd have to make sure she dressed appropriately. And then I think he gave up that plan instead of working with her to do it.
See, he's a little on the lazy side too, so I have to balance the lazy with the real SAD/depression thing. It's so easy to just deal with the devices as they don't talk back. I need to suggest he get someone to watch the kids too; that would help him a lot when he has to work (at home and he can't seem to put down rules about his private work time when SDs are home).
Children are taught,
Children are taught, especially COD, that their parents must be their bestie. They should entertain them, reward bad behaviour, out do each other and give give give no matter what.
I am a child of divorce. A
I am a child of divorce. A long sad story for some other time. I do not relish dredging up my childhood. What I will say is, if I treated my parents like COD do today, my beatings would have been way worse than they already were.
My parents grasp of the word no, was not lost the day their order of court was signed.
Chucky's parents and gp are
Chucky's parents and gp are saffers. You know how that is panning. ALL WORSHIP CHUCKY!
Actually he's ok - this was
Actually he's ok - this was the first time he did this...he has some issues that stem from HIS childhood; discussed with both his sisters (who I get along very well with). He was never parented himself. From a young age he was left on his own to do what he wanted, when he wanted. Pretty much how he handles the SDs.
Then, as a teen, he went to live with his father who was fairly well off then, and had a maid. So his lack of parenting and learning to take care of things was ongoing.
However, I need to re-focus my disengaging. I think it's going fairly well with the SDs (yes, I took SD11 to a movie, but that was ok and within my comfort area and I discussed it with both her and DP before I agreed). They are more independent and I do not discipline, do their dishes, clean up anything (either goes in trash or gets thrown down stairs if it's really in my way), etc.
I need to disengage from DP!