NoraAstepmom's picture

Would like to know what effect it has on ADULT KIDS

I would like to know what effect it has on adult kids, If a parent keeps helping an adult kid get out of every mess they get into. Including giving them whatever they want when they want.

20 plus's picture

We have a totally pissed off

We have a totally pissed off SS26 because we stopped helping him out. We put our foot down and kicked him off our car insurance and cell phone after years of saying we were and finally did. He never paid the money every month and after repeated warnings we stopped paying for him. He is so furious with us he will not talk to DH or me, ignores us completely when we text and call etc. He has complained to my parents (whom he views as his grandparents) how awful we are and what a money grubber I am....seriously...TO MY PARENTS! Little shit has a good job a wife and 2 kids but apparently I have to pay his car insurance. And he has the nerve to complain because our BD13 has a phone that we pay for. At least she gets great grades and does a few chores around the house. All of my SKIDS are buttholes. I raised them all and got this one when he was turning 6. He has always been a jerk to everyone not just me but lately my DH is seeing how ungrateful and hateful he is unless our wallet is open. Did I mention the car he refused to pay insurance on was one we gave him because we never drove it anymore? He never acknowledges my birthday or gives DH and I christmas gifts or cards. Not saying that it is all about the gifts but it wouldn't kill him to at least make an effort.

WSM wants peace's picture

I can only speak from my

I can only speak from my experience. My SD is 37, rude, manipulative, ungrateful and always in need. When she decided that she no longer wanted to be married, DH purchased her house so that she didn't have to move and disrupt the children from their neighborhood and school. She then needed a new car, her vehicle was less than 3 years old, but she gave DH a BS reason why she needed it, so he signed for it. Lord only knows how he financially helps with it. Yesterday she announced that she had a costly healthcare insurance deductible, she couldn't see the doctor for neck pain she was having because of the deductible. Moments later she and DH were talking quietly, I'm sure she made a doctor's visit today. SD will never change, DH always comes to her rescue. She's never been allowed to "need" anything. The unfortunate part is that she is raising children who always get what they want, of course DH pays for their "needs" as well.

My DH is such a brilliant man except when it comes to SD. Everyone sees how she operates (DH's parents, siblings and other family members), for some reason DH doesn't see it, or chooses not to.

We recently had a family gathering where everyone was bringing a dish to share. SD's response was rude,negative and unkind to another family member. I'm sure DH read it but said nothing. If one of my children had written something like she wrote, this momma would have had a chat with them.

Sorry for my long response, I guess seeing her yesterday had more of an effect on me than I thought.

stepmomfromhell's picture

In your situation somehow I

In your situation somehow I see a silver lining: DH purchased her house so that she didn't have to move and disrupt the children from their neighborhood and school.

Is your your name on the deed of the house? Will you inherit the house once your husband passes away? I would make sure that house has your name on that deed too, so in the event that he passes away you get her home and you get to kick her out of the house that she calls her home. Just wondering, did he buy the house as a furnished house? If so, that would mean ALL the contents in the house will belong to him even the things that she buys for the house, even clothing, cell phones, TVs, anything and everything will belong to your husband if he bought it as a furnished house.

You should look into the details of ownership, you might end up owning it in the future, and you would be able to kick her and her kids out. Eye-wink

WSM wants peace's picture

Nope Step,I'm not on the deed

Nope Step,I'm not on the deed but I'm sure it's part of his trust. DH said that this would only be a temporary situation for SD, he either thinks she will eventually want to move or remarry and then he would sell it. Given her track record she won't leave as long as the gravy train (DH) is moving or until she marries her BF. Most relatives think the BF is using her for his "needs" which isn't a surprise either!

oldone's picture

My DH is the classic enabler.

My DH is the classic enabler. SS27 lived with him for several years after he turned 18 - like 6 or 7 years. DH finally booted him out because he would get drunk and violent.

They did not speak for about a year. But when he moved to my city (where SS had moved to) he started up again. But once I was on the scene DH is not allowed to give SS anything. BM's husband is like me - no handouts to a grown alcoholic.

SS has now had a job for almost 6 months. He's still a total mess but he's better. He has to take care of himself because none of us are willing to do it.

Runninmom's picture

It never ends, they never

It never ends, they never grow up. Then when you finally do put your foot down they get pissed off about it. They become entitled victims that are not able to figure out how to get out of their own predicaments. We have a friend that is almost 40. He has not worked for about 4 years because he refuses to work for a corporation (the man). His mother gives him money all the time (she lives out of state) until he finds his dream job. The last time she gave him money to bail him out he admitted to both my husband and myself that he likes to gamble. He has no place to stay and drinks all the time. This is not help, it is enabling. I wish i could call his mother up and talk to her personally. She is not helping him.

We had the same issues with our adult Skids. Finally had to say no (all are in their 30's). You have to at one point let them wallow in it, it is painful to watch but it is the only way they get it. When you keep helping you make them lazy.

This friend of ours is getting kicked out of a room mate situation, we have helped him in the past by letting him stay with us. Never again. Maybe being homeless might knock some sense into him?