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So... The weekend apart starts

SoDisappointed's picture

Submitted by SoDisappointed on Fri, 05/11/2018 - 8:31pm

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Adult Stepchildren

Working diligently on this disengagement process with what I believe is some success. Boundaries have been set and DW understands this is the only way for me to give her what she wants, time with her kids, while not sacrificing my mental health. We sat and talked, and I believe the turning point was both of agreeing to not rehash the past. We both know what happened, there is no disagreement there. She says that for her it was how I handled everything. For me it was the exclusion and narcissistic abuse.

But that is the past. I am now free of all of them. She has her weekend with them and I don’t have to be part of any of it. And now I am completely fine with it. To be honest, I am happy about it. To do this right though, I need to make sure to do stuff for myself whenever she wants to spend her time with the skids. No problem this weekend with my trip to Florida to see my 90 year old aunt and uncle.

I will say there are still some smaller things I am aware of and will need to address to keep this disengagement on track. For example, tonight it was all about 24SD and her bus coming in. I gave some slight “Hmmm” type responses to any mention of it, but I will need to make sure there is limited discussion about anything to do with any of the skids, none would be best. She kept engaging me asking what time she should leave to get to the bus station. I told her simply to allow 30-35 minutes to get there and then changed the subject. But these things can be addressed after the weekend.

I’m sure she will want to share about her Mother’s Day with her kids, and I will need to shut that down skillfully. My plan is as follows, she and I celebrated Mother’s Day together on Thursday evening. That’s what we share. Whatever she does with her kids is for them and I am part of that anymore because that is what they chose. So I would ask that she keep between herself and the rest of that bunch. It’s part of her life we no longer share, and that includes talking about it. I just want to keep things between her and I between her and I. That whole group is separate because that’s what they want. So if should be kept totally separate as far as I am concerned, and she will need to respect that.

Survivingstephell's picture

Submitted by Survivingstephell on Fri, 05/11/2018 - 9:05pm

Instead of sitting her down and reminding her of the boundaries, just enforce them as needed.  Skid topic comes up? hmmmm, that's nice, change the subject.  Eventually she will ge the hint that you aren't participating anymore.  She might get upset and then you can remind her that you both agreed to this.   You had the meeting of minds, agreed and now it just has to play out.  Don't make it bigger than it needs to be.  Focus on the relationship and not the skids.  The more ofter the relationship is a positive experience, the easier the disengagement from skids will be.  

SoDisappointed's picture

Submitted by SoDisappointed on Sat, 05/12/2018 - 5:38am

Thats my plan. As long as I remain calm and clear headed, I feel like it will go well. But given how things went with the bus arrival part, I can see already that the concept of the boundaries is not fully understood, or that getting to that level of separation is difficult for her. 

But as I will remind her, this is not my doing. They want separation and I am giving them that. The catch is they don’t get to define my side of that. It’s my decision what that looks like, and I have done my best to communicate that to DW. If things get off course, it will be up to me to kindly reminder her what disengagement is and what the boundaries are. 

sandye21's picture

Submitted by sandye21 on Sat, 05/12/2018 - 9:16am

'Reminding' DW of the boundaries will only prolong the process of disengagement.  Just do it without the 'play-by-play' and she will gain clarity sooner.  If she gets upset remind her in as few words as possible of your agreement. 

It's really hard to not be a bit angry when you have been rejected and you know it's wrong.  You are doing great!  A lot better than I did.

SoDisappointed's picture

Submitted by SoDisappointed on Mon, 05/14/2018 - 8:25am

I don’t know if I’m doing any better or worse than anyone else. I’m just doing my best. 

SoDisappointed's picture

Submitted by SoDisappointed on Mon, 05/14/2018 - 8:21am

So it was great to see my 90 year old aunt and uncle. Obviously they knew DW was not coming with me and wanted to know what was going on. Without a lot of detail, I let them know that she has chosen her kids over her marriage. If you read Sacrafical Lamb’s response to my post in Disengagement, I think that’s pretty much how I presented it. 

Of course family takes your side, but my aunt’s take is “when you marry someone, you commit yourself to that person above anything else.” I love my aunt, and not because she agrees with me. She and my uncle have been married for almost 68 years and love one another in spite of some of their differences. But they support the other person in ways too numerous to list. 

So I had a great time with them and my aunt wanted to wish DW a happy Mother’s Day because she loves her so much, and DW loves my aunt. So I broke the separation for the weekend to let them chat, but kept my conversation short so she could have her time with her family. 

Flew back to an empty house since 24SD won’t catch her bus until today. They never came here to stay (I can tell from the security system). I will see DW sometime this evening, but don’t know when because I have no idea when her daughter catches her bus back to Pittsburgh. 

All in all, a nice weekend away with very little drama. So that’s good. It would have been nice to know before Saturday night that DW wouldn’t be home until Monday, but communication and consideration are not her strong suits right now. 

I’m trying...