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Pictures of the ex

Gluttonforpunishment's picture

Has anybody encountered any problems concerning pictures of the ex still in divorced dad's possession? I went over to his house this past weekend and saw some photo's and asked if I could look at them. He said his sister gave them to him recently....Mind you, he's been divorced for almost 10 years. The pictures were of him and the ex together in different social situations and one bothersome picture of the two of them embraced in a kiss. Do I have a right to be bothered by the pictures or am I over reacting? He still has his wedding ring also. Sometimes it seems as if he still has feelings for the BM when he always tells me that he does not. Please let me know if any of you had to deal with this issue in your relationship and how you handled it. I am not doing a very good job at being "Second Best"

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happy mom's picture

my husband threw all her photos when he married me. i also had to tell my husband to tell his mom to take the exphoto off her wall in her house, that to me it was an insult. so she did. i would ask your husband to throw away those photos and if you could pawn the wedding ring. i just don't believe that those things should be in his possession or even in your house. you are not overreacting, its a natural feeling that you have. there's no excuse for not getting rid of it.

-happy mom

Gwen's picture

Although my initial reaction was "bonfire" or "shredder", I later realized that I don't intend to throw away my photos of exes so I didn't ask my ex to throw away his pix with his first wife. For example, I have pix of my first fiance who died before we were married; I have no intention of throwing those away and hubbie would never ask me to. I don't display them, or take them out and gaze at them, but they are part of my history. To be fair, hubbie's kids may want to see some pictures someday, and perhaps they won't bother me then. I have pictures of my mom and dad at their wedding, and they divorced when I was two, and even though I never, ever dreamed that my parents would get back together or anything like that, those pictures are special to me. They give me a little bit of my history and who my parents were when they were young. And it's not like hubbie takes the pix of his ex out and gazes at them or anything. So, instead, I asked him to box everything up in a plastic tub, clearly marked as "hubbie's mementos" (so I don't accidentally get into them) and that tub is shoved into the back corner of a high shelf in the garage, next to my tub of mementos. That said, gluttonforpunishment, I don't think you are overreacting at all, it is a natural and fair reaction--over the last year since I moved in, I have had quite a few moments of discovering old pix and his wedding ring and had huge waves of adrenalin and pain and tears as a result (as well as a tantrum or two at his insensitivity) but I think (fervently hope) the house is mostly clear of this crap now. Best wishes at getting through this difficult issue with grace and dignity and the respect that is owed to you as the new significant other.

lovin-life's picture

Yeah, hubby wanted to throw out all of his 'X''s pictures...wedding pictures etc...not that he had many...but I wouldn't let him.

I love looking at old pictures, of my parents wedding, of them as kids or in thier teens, 20's 30's.....and I'm sure his kids and grandkids would like that oportunity too....

Once they're destroyed....no one will ever see them and part of your children's history will be destroyed forever.....that's how I look at it anyway.

I know he hates her....but he will never be 20 again....and he will NEVER be dressed in a 70's powder blue tux..EVER AGAIN!!!!!! Thank GOD!!!!! lol

I just look past her ugly mug....and just enjoy the pictures of him. Smile

Nymh's picture

The only thing that I ever found was a tub full of mementos that BM dropped off about a year ago. There were a lot of letters from him to her and vice versa. I read some of them out of curiosity but honestly I got bored. His letters and poems to her were very sweet and at times hopelessly romantic, but her letters to him were full of complaining and griping and things that didn't even have to do with the relationship. Considering how old the letters were and that they were from the beginning of their relationship, it kind of gave me more understanding for why they divorced. Keeping it around doesn't bother me because I know that he doesn't go digging through it trying to rile up old memories. He didn't ask for her to bring it and he's probably forgotten where it is anyway. Like Gwen, I have all of my pictures from past relationships stored away as well. Maybe you could talk about it with (BF? DH?) and come to an agreement as to what the best storage or disposal solution would be of these things.

*~So sayeth Nymh~*

smom1007's picture

I freaked out when I saw old pictures because they were on the laptop with new dates attached to them--pictures from Disney World of a trip that was supposed to have happened with just Daddy and Daughter, but there she was in all these pictures labeled with one of the dates from that trip.

He swore up and down that he had opened up those pics and resaved them during the trip b/c SD missed her mom. I decided I was just *trying* to be mad, trying to tell myself that I would never be able to take her place. I mean, I had been snooping--you have to find something bad when you snoop.

He doesn't have printed pictures of her anywhere, and his general attitude toward her is one of indifference. So, lucky me, I didn't take her place. I have one she never had.

Now it's just the baby pictures of my SD that make me sad b/c I wasn't there for any of it...

Gluttonforpunishment's picture

You ladies are truely a better person than I am. I must be insecure. I could never be as strong as you all when it comes to the BM. I don't know why I let her get to me. It is not jelousy because she is nothing to be jelaous about. I guess I just have a fear of him going back to her. That fear is not there for nothing. Several events over the years have warranted those fears. Thanks for your replies. It does help me make sense of it all and figure out what the right thing and the best thing is to do.

Anonymous's picture

You could always tell him you want to throw them out and see how he reacts??.. My husbands ex was horrible and harassed us big time, so all her pics went into the garbage. I guess my feelings are were together now, and neither one of us dwells on the past.
Just remember their ex's because their relationships weren't good, so do what you think is best. Down the line, maybe they'll just disappear and that will solve that. Hes with you so the last thing he should be concerned with are old pictures of the ex.

Anne 8102's picture

...is that if the bio parents want to keep those things for their children to have someday, then they should be kept. It would be good for the kids to know that their parents didn't always hate each other. They can be put up and stored away in a very deep closet, down in the basement, wherever they won't be stumbled upon during the course of a routine day. And they should be kept at whatever house the kids live at full-time. I have a wonderful mom-in-law whom I love with all my heart and she did have a photo that included my husband's ex in the girls' bedroom when we came to visit, just so they wouldn't feel homesick. I thought that was reasonable. She has photo albums full of photos that she will give the kids one day. I think that is great. But I've never had a problem with my husband keeping photos or my mom-in-law displaying photos that made me uncomfortable, except for one photo of me in a bathing suit shortly after my daughter was born! ;°)

~ Anne ~

Anonymous's picture

I know this sounds nuts, but I've been married to the same woman for 18 years and we have two kids. I was never married before but she was when she was younger, with no kids from that marriage. So here we go:

1. It's always bothered me to some degree that my wife told some other guy she would be with him and love him until the end of time and then told me the same thing. You know you are a second round draft pick.

2. I've never had a close relationship with my in laws because I am not comfy having a relationship with a couple that my wife and her ex had a relationship with. As my mother in law always thought wife's ex was from such a prominent family and I came from blue collar people.

3. Believe it or not after all these years at a recent holiday gathering my mother in law brings up a trip my wife and her ex had (without saying it was with him)and made sure it was directed at me...right in front of ym kids and they asked me later what that was about. Then at the next gathering out of the blue while watching something on TV, my mother in law says to my kids (in front of me) "Your mother had a boyfriend name john an he had brown hair...on and on." My wife. her parents and I all knew that the relationship with John was an intimate eon.

Am I nuts for thinking this isn't right on my mother in laws part in front of me and my kids?

Dino

happy's picture

Wow.. is all I can say.. That is a long time to be married to someone and have her mother still sit and talk about a past boyfriend.. I think when she brings him up you should be witty and come right back at her.. Just put her in her place.. I would.. I know I get annoyed when we go to in laws and my mother in law will say oh what kind of car did your mom get how is she.. Oh I want to puke.. But for the kids sake I do not.. I too am bitter.. I understand your feelings.. My SIL called me this summer before her brother and I married and was asking me if we would be at her daughters graduation party I said well of course I will be there and she said that she wanted to know so she could send an invite to the ex, and you know what I said.. I said to her you know you and your mom want to invite her to all these family things all the time and she is no longer family I said you know what keep it up and we will no longer come to family functions.. you can have her and not your brother.. You know she did not invite her. And my MIL never says that she wants to invite her anymore..
Just hearing about her makes me cringe I know I am an adult but I would like to think that my husband is way more happier with me... SO talking or hearing about her all the time is rude I think to me..
SO I totally understand all of your feelings..
*****Its time to put oh MIL in her place...maybe you should find out his address and tell her that if hes so great maybe she shoulfd be with him. LOL

Anne 8102's picture

First of all, congratulations on making it eighteen years! To me, that is a feat in and of itself and much more noteworthy than the fact that your wife was previously married. For me, it's definitely my mother who makes cracks about my ex-boyfriends and ex-husband, but usually they are very unflattering ones. I don't think she does it to make my husband ill-at-ease, though, I think she does it to piss me off. What kind of relationship does your wife have with her mother? Could it be that your MIL is trying to undermine the marriage due to conflict with your wife and not necessarily with you? It is pretty crude behavior, regardless, and probably not appropriate to discuss in front of the kids. Is your MIL married? If so, the next time she makes a comment about one of your wife's exes, I'd just wink at your FIL, let's say his name is Ralph, and say, "Yeah, well, we all make mistakes, don't we, Ralph?!" As for the kids, they really don't need a lot of detail about our past lives. I'd let it suffice to say to them that everyone dates, most people date more than one person in their life and some people get married more than once. Sometimes it's hard to find "the one" and sometimes you think you have when you really haven't. It's just life, a learning process that we all go through and not really anything important enough to be commented on or judged on. Remember the old GEICO commercials from about five years ago where the pitch was WE ALL DO DUMB THINGS? Well, it's very true. But just because she didn't exactly pick a winner the first time around doesn't mean she didn't do it when she chose you. And sometimes what we think is love... really isn't! Could it be that she made a mistake the first time and only truly found love WITH YOU?!

~ Anne ~

sweetthing's picture

& engagement photo's hanging on the walls in their home still. My husband asked them to take them down & MIL refused as she is still attatched to ex wife.

They are currently living in an apartment & the house is used only on occasional weekends... I have been their once when in laws were not there. ( we were helping take stuff from their to SIL bridal shower )

At least I got to see his ex on her best looking day ever & to say the least I am not worried.

Here's my take... if they were not my husbands parents & wouldn't have anything to do with them based upon my welcome into the family. I have my own parents & they love me so screw them. Smile

sweetthing's picture

ex as his practice wife. He also tells anyone who will listen that the second time around is the best.

Betty's picture

That's a long time to be married and have her say that stuff. It is obviously not a mistake, slip of the tongue or innocent in my opinion. Sounds like typical MIL stuff X's 10 to me. I wouldn't put up with it if my mother said that stuff in front of my husband or kids. I'd put a stop to that at once. I don't see how you can have a relationship with them at all if it's like you said. As for not feeling totally special I can understand that too. My husband was married before with no kids and it bugs me years later. It's hard to ever see yourself as totally special when they went to the alter with another and did all the stuff that comes with a wedding and the after stuff of being a married couple. You just have to try to do your best and don't self destruct. As for those that say the first time is "practice," well...I respect their opinion and comments but as for me I don't feel that way and understand why you don't as well. How the heck do I know that I'm just not another practice round? Good luck you aren't alone.