When is enough really enough?
Hello ladies,
I have not posted in awhile since the communion episode. Things have been going great since then. Well...up until now anyway. Ms.Ex bitch strikes again. She now claims that I reported her to the town for her illegal apartment. I was just approached by BF last night about it. I never even knew she had an apartment, let alone an illegal one. I sensed in the tone of his voice and the way he was speaking to me that he believed his dearly beloved ex bitch. I have really had enough of his ex and I have had quite enough of bf sticking up for the bitch. When is enough really enough putting up with the shit of men with baggage and their baggage. I have had it and I really want to give him his engagement ring and walk away and never look back. I tried to do that so many times and have failed. I always went back to him. I really want to be strong this time and just forget he ever existed. I can't even begin to tell you the hatred I have for his ex wife right about now and my wishes for her are not very nice at all. Next month would have been 8 years for us, but now he has just let his ex end it all for him and his actions helped end things too. I know I need stregnth to get thru this and hope in time I can stick to my guns and never go back to him.
Okay, I am done venting. I had to get that off of my chest. If anybody has any ideas that would be helpful to stay away and end this drama for once and for all, I would appreciate your tips. Have any of you ever went thru this and have suceeded in never going back?
Thanks for letting me vent.
I do not want to continue to be the Glutton for punishment.
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Please
If he is not sticking up for you now PLEASE don't marry the guy. He won't stick up for you after you are married. I love my skids and DH and I have my own set of problems but the one thing I can say is he sticks up for me! Biatch try to say that I hit her children. I don't hit and never have. My DH went off on her butt on the phone. According to SD SHE was the one who slapped SD in the face but try to turn it around and say I hit the child. She doesn't even live in this country or has she ever actually met me so how can she make such a wild accusation???? This is a never ending drama with BM and if you are sick of it now imagine AFTER you get married and are feeling trapped in the situation. Please think about it long and hard.
I came to this site at the
I came to this site at the end of my SP journey. I was conflicted about ending it, then I was conflicted about how long it was taking for him to JUST LEAVE, and now I am conflicted about not being able to totally let go. So, I am definitely guilty of staying involved even though we are separated (EX still calls and complains about BB, asks me for help with court issues, etc.), but would I ever actually go back to being a family? HELL NO.
For me, it was many things. Like you, I was not defended by my partner when BB would pull her shit. She'd say nasty things about me, make accusations, and while EX would sometimes say "that's not true" he'd never say "You know, that's my wife you're talking about and I won't have you disrespecting her." All I ever wanted was for him to acknowledge all I went through in dealing with the nonsense. EX had a year to deal with her shit before I came along...and he also was able to ignore things MUCH more than I ever could. Plus, this was a woman that HE chose to have a child with, so in many ways, he was partly responsible for her actions and her bringing chaos into my life. I was NOT. I didn't expect apologies, or pats on the back. ONLY that acknowledgement. "Hey, I know this is tough for you. I appreciate all that you do and all that you go through."
There were other issues, but I think that the basic one was that I never felt acknowledged and that is INFURIATING. It made me crazy. My health, finances, credit, SANITY...all of it declined because of this situation and this crazy woman. But I was never allowed to be upset about that. Never allowed to vent or speak honestly. Everything was always my fault--I was too emotional, I was a nag, I was making more out of things than necessary. When I would get to the end of my rope, I'd threaten to call BB myself to defend ME and EX would tell say "Don't you dare harass my son's mom." Right.
Anyway...there are some men out there that have kids with an ex and can move on to have healthy, long-term relationships with new spouses regardless of how insane the ex is. They know how to prioritize, how to respect their partners, and how to be good fathers without living under the thumb of the ex out of some warped sense of guilt and responsibility. Then there are the others, who can't do any of those things, but get into relationships because they don't want to be alone. They aren't really ready to move on, and maybe they never will be. They can't figure out that their KIDS are what they need to be responsible for, NOT their mother. To some, they are one and the same.
You seem to have made your choice already. Obviously, you have a lot of history with this man. I'm sure a big part of you doesn't want to leave because you can't imagine that you've "wasted" so many years...but don't look at it like that. 8 years can quickly turn to 9, which will turn to 15. Don't look back and say, "Wow, I knew that it was wrong, why didn't I stay away?" This is NOT going to get better on its own. If you haven't figured out to make it work in 8 years, unless you make MAJOR changes, go to therapy, set new boundaries, etc., the situation will not magically change on its own.
Bottom line? We get one go at life. We're here for a blip and then we're gone. Life is much too short to be miserable and it's never too late to make a change. It took me a few months, but I made some big life changes in order to facilitate my separation, and i cannot tell you how happy I am now. It will take time for me to totally detatch myself from the situation, but all in all, my stress level has gone from 10 to about 3, which is really something that I am proud of. I did that. I finally realized that if no one else was going to stand up for me, I would just have to stand up for myself.
Thanks for it info cruella.
Thanks for it info cruella. Chrissy, wow that is some story and you really make a lot of sense. Today is day one of my staying strong. Last night I left a voice mail because he refused to answer the phone. I told him I was through and that my son would drop his ring off to him on Monday. He never called me back that night. I did not get a call until 12:30 today on my lunch break at work. I did not answer. He left a voicemail for me to call him 'cause he wanted to talk to me. I got another message about 3:00, another at 5:00 and another at 7:30pm. I did not answer any of them nor did I call him. It is very hard, but I am trying to stick to my guns. I did cry this evening and that sucked. Chrissy, from what I make of it, you are still in contact with your ex? What is your situation like with him now? Does he realize what he has done or is he still in denial? My BF is in serious denial. No matter what I say I feel, he says the opposite. I am always wrong in his eyes. Like you, I was never allowed to vent or speak honestly either. Hell, I really was not allowed to talk about his ex at all. He would get very defensive in her honor. You are right on target about him not being able to let go and move on. Hopefully my actions will make him see the light that him and his miserable bitch of an ex were made for eachother and perhaps he will go back to the bitch.
Cruella, I also take your advise. I am going to try my hardest to stay strong and wipe him out of my life for good. I just got a text message from him. he needs me to call him asap...LOL....dream on.
Thanks for the input ladies. Hats off to you for putting up with the shit too.
If He Doesn't See Your Side of Things
You are always going to feel like an outsider in the situation. No body should feel like an outsider in their own home. He will continue calling but you need to stay strong. Krissy's ex is just now getting it. He never stuck up for her when they were together. Now that they broke up she said he found a pair.
Even if you do decide to continue seeing him he needs to know you are not putting up with the BS. Believe me it gets worse. BM is constantly trying to turn the children against me. She attempted once to tell me what to do. Hmmmm I am way too old for her BS. I was single for 15 year before DH came along. NO ONE tells me what to do in my own home kids or no kids.
update
Well her it is, day 2 and still hanging strong but hurting very much. I miss him and the things we do together so much and I am trying to get past that. Last night he kept texting me up until 1am. His last text is as follows: "Thanks for the memories but mostly, thank you for loving me.Like I said, I will always love you"
Still hanging strong! Thanks for the support ladies.
I am So Sorry
That you are going through all this. I know you are hurting. We are here for you no matter what you decide to do.
Always remember that actions
Always remember that actions speak louder than words. When the words start to make you weak, remember the actions that bely them. Hang in there!
~ Anne ~
"Love, having no geography, knows no boundaries."
(Truman Capote)
I broke down and answered
I broke down and answered his call today after he repeatedly called my cell. I am sorry I even answered his call. He sees nothing wrong with his actions and still feels the need to be a hero to his ex for the sake of his child. The last call was at 4:00pm. I have not heard from him since nor have I contacted him since. I honestly think I was just a fill in while he is sitting and trying to win his ex wife back. It sure seems like that to me. Why else would he be so loyal and accomodation to somebody who threw him into the street 10 years ago? Doesn't it sound like he wants her back?
Trust Your Gut Instinct
It will tell you things that the heart doesn't want to hear. Being accomodating to the ex doesn't always mean they want them back. It is that he is probably parenting out of guilt. I would question why he got thrown out of thier marriage.
This phrase says it all...
"He sees nothing wrong with his actions." Until he is at least willing to try to see it from your POV and maybe take some action to increase your comfort level, then you're better off without him.
~ Anne ~
"Love, having no geography, knows no boundaries."
(Truman Capote)
It sounds like he has no
It sounds like he has no clue what he wants nor does he want to decide and end either option, Door open syndrome. I am with you, if its been ten years he should only strap on his knight suit for your sake or directly for children- what's he trying to prove to ex? You really deserve the security of knowing the truth and if he's not offering it find someone who is? Stay strong.
I Love That
That is soooo true.
New development
This weekend in his attempt to get me back, he swore that he would stop doing favors for his ex. He told me it was my imagination that he sticks up and has more respect for his ex than me. Keep in mind that whenever we fight or argue, It is 99% of the time all in my imagination. Its funny how other people have the same imagination as me when it comes to his actions. Its just only him who is blind to it all. He said he defends me to the ex all of the time but I am not there to witness it. I take that as a copout. He clearly does not have the balls when it comes to his ex. He is like a puppy with his tail between his legs when she roars at him. I have witnessed it, but yet he will make up any excuse to turn what I see around to his favor. Get this one:
I had a male friend who became friends with BF too. BF pissed him off one day and that friend came to the house, knocked on the door and punched bf in the face. This was about 2 years ago. I stopped talking to that friend. Just a few weeks ago, that friend called me at work to apologize for his actions. He had just went thru a bone marrow transplant for lukemia and was on all kinds of medication. He said that his medications were responsible for his actions. Anyway, when I told BF that this friend called my job, BF said that if I ever spoke to him again, then he would walk away from me. He told me that the guy should have died of his lukemia. In turn, I told him that his ex wife should die. Oh My God......what an awful thing for me to say about the mother of his child. He carried on like it was the end of the world. I asked him why it was okay to say that about my friend but not okay for me to say about his ex. I feel the two to be equal. What makes his ex so special that what I said was a holy crime? I know that was a horrible thing to say about his ex, but I was rippin pissed when he said that about my friend who punched him in the face.
anyway, back to him swearing that he would stop bending over backwards for his ex, I am not sure I should believe him. Still thinking this one over and my brain tells me to run and my heart tells me to give it another shot. Not sure which one I should listen to. That bitch has caused so much trouble in our relationship. The poor chap just does not see it that way.
Words, words, words
And his words contradicted themselves! Stick to your guns right now. First he said that he would stop doing favors, and then he said it was all your imagination. This is not the words required to earn a second (or 25th as the case may be) chance! Actions are what are required here, in addition to consistent words! That wasn't a change, that was a bunch of verbal stroking, and not even good verbal stroking at taht! I think your brain is right on this one, as much as it might hurt. You are strong!
Trust your instincts
Let me share a little bit of advice that I received about 7 years ago. Could the reason you are having doubts about leaving be because it's out of your "comfort zone"? When I say comfort zone I don't mean something that is nice and wonderful...I just mean what you are used to. I too had the issue of do I leave or do I stay (last BF not DH) and someone asked me that question. They said that I would get used to a new comfort zone and it would be one that wasn't full of stress or turmoil. You know what? That's EXACTLY what happened. Once I was gone for a little while I was able to be completely free and I created my own "new" comfort zone. Good Luck to you and whatever decision you make. It will be the right one for you!
You deserve better
and until you feel that and see that nothing anyone else does or says will help you. He is not treating you at all with the kindness, respect or love he should be. Let his ex wife take care of him and all his needs.
The next time he calls you and feeds you a line, ignore him, don't answer the phone.. Trust me, I dated a guy who drank a lot so I broke it off, he cried until I took him back. Things were good for awhile, we bought a house together got engaged and guess what 6 mos later he was back to the bar every nite.. I moved out and have a wonderful husband now whom I adore and a great life.. His words were full of emptiness, and it was all a waste of my time.
Please don't let him beat you down anymore. You deserve someone who wants to be your partner and share his life with you. Not one who wants you to share all with him and he who wants to share his life with the mother of his child.. Just because people have children together does not mean that they have to be tied at the hip.. lordy the thought of that YUCKY...
Happy
"live life to its fullest everyday"
Thanks everyone
You are all 100% right. My brain tells me that too. I am not sure about the comfort zone thing. I met BF 2 months after my divorce. I have been with him for 8 years. I started dating my ex husband when I was 16 and married him at 18 and had my first child at 19. My ex husband is an alcoholic. I left him after 17 years of marriage. As you can see, I never really had any dating experience being 16 when I started dating my ex husband. Then I went to BF. BF is very good to my two kids and would do anything for any of us....except grow balls for the ex..LOL. Anyway his only flaw is with the ex and when we argue there is no reasoning with him and he also thinks his child is better, smarter, taller than any other child her age and he pumps that into her so she also thinks she is better than her peers. Other than that, he is good. I have broken up with him many times only to go back. I scoped the dating scene in between and my god, there are so many losers out there that the dating scene actually scares the hell out of me not to mention I am not really that outgoing to strangers. I am sort of on the shy side until I get to know someone. I guess that plays a role in why I stay. I also went to a therapist 2 years ago and he said my relationship was like trying to pound a square peg into a round hole. I guess I am a mess. When his ex is behaving herself things are wonderful and I am on cloud 9. It is just when she starts her shit. She was just on vacation for 2 weeks...away. We had such a good time because she was not here in this state. God, if only she would move away permanently. I am still holding to my guns, but it is very hard and emotional. Thanks for the support. It really helps alot.
I Know What You Mean
I was single for 14 years before I married Dh. BM moving away will not solve your problems. You see BM in my case lives around the world and still manages to make life hell for us. I dated some real losers in that 14 years and I HATED dating.
Please don't settle for someone just because you can't find anyone better. If you are going to stay with this guy just consider this. Take your time. Don't hurry into a marriage.