You need to detach yourself from having ANY kind of expectations regarding these boys. I'm going through this too...it has been almost a year and it's STILL hard and heartwrenching, but it's getting better. It's your only hope of getting through this.

I bet you're thinking, "Gee- after 5 long years with these boys, and having no bio-mom in their lives, they SHOULD have come to accept be by NOW, shouldn't they????"

But the truth is, they haven't- you ARE just their STEPMOM. And it does hurt like hell.

So first of all, go ahead and own those feelings and don't let anyone tell you differently. Cry it out. Hurt. Feel totally disappointed that your life is NOT where you thought it was going to be when you started out this relationship 5 years ago...

And then, step BACK from it all, like StepLightly said. Let your DH take the reins and be the parent for a while.

For you, having no children of your own, it's even harder, I can only imagine. I have been doing the "stepmom" thing for 5 years as well. My 3 SDs see me only as a chauffeur, personal shopper, maid, and chef.

I get criticized for for each and every mistake I make and rarely thanked for the nice, special things I do- and NEVER directly- always THROUGH my DH, as if to say, "tell the 'help' she screwed up again and I am most displeased."

My own two boys, although they are far from perfect angels, would never THINK to deal with me indirectly. We at least have a relationship where they come to me one-on-one and they express their problems with me face-to-face. Not so with the SDs- it's all "through" my DH.

I feel like a friggn' employee in my own home most of the time with them. So I learned to step away and let DH deal with them.

I concentrate on my relationship with my own two boys and the relationship with my DH- on the people who WANT to have a relationship with me.

I'm sorry you are going through this. I do know exactly how it feels. I hope the advice helps.

"If you have never been hated by a child, you have never been a parent."
-Bette Davis

First off, Welcome!!! Second, I feel the same way. The Skids BM died when they were a year old. I've known them since they were 5. They are almost 16 now. I was always their sole mom. Then their cousin came along and told them they don't have to listen to me because I'm not their real mom. I found this out when I heard him whisper that to them. Their friends at school coach them pretty good too. Perhaps their schoolmates were not in the same type of situation because they had their birth mothers but my skids believed them just the same. The most heartbreaking time for me came when my sd came right out and told me that she doesn't have to listen to me because I'm not her mother. No matter how much I argued that I was, she was adamant about the fact that I wasn't. I told DH and he said he couldn't do anything about it. It hurts. Especially since I know sd is only using it as an excuse to get her own way. SS is not like that at all. He still calls me mom and tells me everything. The most I get from sd is "hey." It's like all of a sudden I'm not allowed to take part in family things anymore. They plan things that don't include me, etc. I feel I've wasted my time but I cannot let that get me down. I know my family and friends stand by me because they know me. When I got really upset I found this website and it was wonderful.

“When all else fails, get a dog.”

It's been over two years since I last posted. My husband asked for a divorce last August. I've had it. The kids are now 18 and are going to college. SD still gets whatever she wants. DH can't afford the college she wants to go to, she skips school half the time, and she is demanding to go to this college. I know he'll give in but I am waiting for my lawyer to see how much I am entitled to out of this. He may finally have to tell dear SD that he can't afford it and she'll have to actually work her way through. SS is still good and has got many scholarships. He doesn't believe in wasting money so he's making due with what he's got and will get a job. I will still see SS, who I want very much in my life. DH and SD can make each other miserable now.
I found one thing out though. DH wants to be the favorite at everything. He always wanted me to discipline the kids and would yell at me when I did, right in front of them. I finally shut down and didn't do anything. I was never included. Lately he's been very nice to me only because he wants to keep his house. I just want what is owed to me and I told him I'm letting the lawyer decide that. Unfortunately I cannot leave the house right now because I don't have the money to move but hopefully this won't last too much longer.
I still intend to keep my account because I find so much encouragement here. Thank you to everyone!!!!

I will never figure this out either..... I have seen so many posts here recently where BM is totally out of the picture.... what mother just up and leaves her kids??? And the craziest thing is the kids still long for her, speak fondly of her, when SM is/has given 1000% more than BM ever did or will.

I just don't get it..

DaizyDuke you are soooo right. I'm a stepmom and have been for over 7 years. SS just turned 15 and only sees his BM a little bit during the summer and sometimes over Christmas break. She only fought for custody when she was in financial trouble and wanted to get child support. She of course lost then continued her illegal ways and ended up in prison for nearly 3 years. SS idolizes her! He treats DH and I horribly in hopes we'll send him to live with her. SS badmouths us to everyone, even Grandma treats him like he's so perfect and now she says we are too strict. She's not here everyday dealing with the bad grades, the horrible attitude, the lazyness, the disrespect, the lying, etc. Thanks, I really needed to vent!!

Welcome! We have all come to that realization at some point or another. It hurts. You will come to terms with it and then the hard part. Deciding how you want to fit into their lives and who you want to be to them.

OMG I thought I was the only one with SD issues! I am so glad I found this site. About a week or two before Mothers Day I always get so depressed. I am happily married to a wonderful man who has a 17 year old bio daughter. The bio mom is completely out of the picture and has been for the last 11 years. Still, my SD17 does not treat me like her mom. She sent me a text yesterday saying Happy Mothers Day! Nice, yeah, a call would have been appropriate. I am the only "mother" she has. I went to go visit my mom out of state for mothers day knowing that Mothers day at home would be miserable anyway. I really really hate mothers day! My husband didn't even acknowledge the day. I'm not his mother. I have a great relationship with SD BUT.. it's almost like she has a secret pact with her bio to not let me be mom. I am the one that does the driving to school, to work, to BF house, to doctors etc etc... I guess I am just a guardian. My mother-in-law normally buys a card for SD to give me. How stupid is that! Last year SD didn't even give it to me. We have a typical mother-daughter relationship. She is my buddy but something is missing. I guess she wishes she could have picked her Step mom. I don't know. I just pray no one in this family asks me how my mothers day was or I am going to loose it! Please tell me I'm not the only one out there that hates mothers day!