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Who's right?

Brownhorse's picture

I have only been married 8 months. Now that we are in the same house, times are tough. My 13 and 7 year old son live with us all the time. They rarely see their dad. His girls have two different moms. The 16 and 14 year old girls with one and a 7 year old with another. We make a lot more money than the 16 and 14 year olds mom but pay child support, school clothes money, school trip money, and drivers trading and more to name a few.

The girls come every other weekend. Spend most of the day in bed and only come down to eat and make a mess. My husband doesn't want to say anything because he doesn't see them much and they have already said he was never there for them. He never planned extra things, he always got them when he was supposed to and their mom made things very difficult. She tells them we do more for my kids.

So now, every time I plan a ballgame, camping trip, movie, dinner, you name it. He acts like I have to invite them. I have always done these things for my kids. His kids didn't even take the time to have a meal with us during the Christmas holiday. How am I supposed to pay for and coordinate 7 people every time I want to do anything. I say if it's there weekend, I include them. If not I try most of the time but it doesn't always work. I want to get 4 tickets to a ballgame a day we do not have his kids and he went nuts saying that's not fair! How can you always be fair? My kids don't go because we can't afford everybody but they get $750 a month? It's not my fault their mom smokes 2 packs a day and waste her money!

Help! Am I wrong?

ChiefGrownup's picture

Life does not come to a screeching halt because some of the kids are not present.

Your dh should be planning activities for his own kids. He should not allow them to cocoon in their rooms all visit. He should tell them Activity A (movie, ball game, candy store visit, etc) takes place at 10:30. The bus leaves the station at 10:00 am. He'll make sure they are awakened at 8:45. Then do it.

Activity B starts 1pm Sunday. Adjust schedule accordingly.

If the problems are not severe, they will forget everything but having fun. Don't forget to build in Chore X and Chore Y into sked. That could be "make beds/wipe down bathroom/vacuum hall/whatever makes sense in your house for the amount of time they are there." It's good for them and it's good for the family.

You are not their mother. If he wants to plan a big activity for every single kid in the family you are really excited to hear it and can't wait till he gives you the details, thanks for inviting my kids! You get the picture.

Brownhorse's picture

Thank-you. The things I plan and am talking about are days he his kids aren't even there!

His ex fills his head with everyone being treated fairly and tells his kids I do things for mine and not them. She has the kids ask us for money. Tells the kids they can't play sports because daddy won't pay. He pays $150 a week.

We are seriously ready to separate over this. I am so stressed out.

No saint's picture

As far as I'm concerned, this is a simple one: if it's your weekend with the skids, try to include them; if it's not, no way!

Indigo's picture

You're correct. Your kids live with you 100%. If they have a life experience such as going to the zoo, it has to be you behind it. The skids have lots of time to have other life experiences when they are with their BMs. Not your fault or responsibility who your DH chose to mother his children. They can sit on their rumps or catch Groupon/Deal Chicken specials. Not your job.

Of course, on weekends when skids are with you, y'all go as one big mushed-up family. Maybe if you schedule something in the future such as a roadtrip to go see some caves or caverns WHEN skids are slated to be there, DH may lighten up with events which occur when they are not there.

We've had difficulties with the sense of not "visiting" during visitation, so I understand that part of your vent.

Brownhorse's picture

I understand! Trust me but the alternative is no one does it. It's hard to plan things for 7 people and get two other adults go ahead all the time. I got tickets for everyone to see a musical at Christmas and the older two cancelled the day before. We were out the money. That is my problem. We are never a priority or even sure they will show up.

Brownhorse's picture

I took all 5 kids camping by myself! He had to work. I am not talking vacations. Just ball games, sporting events, musicals, day things. Not when they are here! If they are here I buy tickets for everyone. I count the weekends!!!

Disneyfan's picture

Just purchase tickets for you and your kids.

I would not want to spend money or time doing family stuff with my SKs if my bios were not there.

Brownhorse's picture

Sure, it's not about spending time with his kids. He got a bonus from work and we were going to take them all to Florida. He even told them! Then, he changed his mind and bought 1996 corvette. Don't give him credit like that. It is not about him spending time with them.

Disneyfan's picture

Even more of a reason to just worry about you and your kids. If he isn't willing to plan/do stuff with his bios, why would he give a hoot about doing stuff with his SKs?

Take your kids and enjoy the time with them. Do you really want to talk him into going, th3n have to deal with him pouting or ruining it for the rest of you?

Brownhorse's picture

I want him to be reasonable and not so stubborn. He thinks his girls hate him and their mom feeds it. I am so frusterated.

Disneyfan's picture

But your kids are his SKs. Read the blogs here. Most posters would rather watch grass grow than spend a Saturday hanging out with their SKs.

There's nothing wrong with not including his kids when they are with their mother.

Are you willing to take you kids without him?

Brownhorse's picture

I am willing to take my kids without him but I don't think that's what he wants. He does go when he can. He acts like this one thing. A MLB game is a big deal. I did take everyone a week ago but my son, a huge fan, kept talking about these close seats. I wanted to surprise him with them and we can't afford everybody! I ended up buying four if my husband goes, he goes. If not, my mom will.

Aeron's picture

His girls might hate him but it's not on you to fix that. If he can't be bothered to give up his toys (a freaking car?!) rather than take them on vacation why the Hell should an unrelated adult be worried about taking them to do things? HE is the parent, not you. I'd tell him to get bent and plan his own stuff for his own kids but mine will not suffer because he feels guilty about being a lazy ass or is willing to be manipulated by an ex.

CantKeepDoingThis's picture

I know this whining all too well! Couple of differences:

1. DH adopted my kids, so the became his kids, too.
2. SD (referred to as HHB for Her High B***hness) and BM would come up with tons of excuses for HHB to not visit...sick, b-day parties, etc. HHB lived with us for 2 years after she got into trouble, and moved back to BM's about 5 months ago when she got in trouble here. We didn't send her back...she cried to BM to go back after all of her electronics were taken away! She hasn't been for a real visit since...just popped in to gather some of her stuff. She is now 16...I've been in the picture since she was 1.

DH, like yours, pays a considerable chunk of support, and he has always been called upon for extras. I make more than DH.

Our whole marriage I've had to hear that it wasn't fair that my bios got to do things HHB didn't. We went to see a movie? Why couldn't we wait when HHB could go, too? Um, well maybe because we never knew when she would even come for a visit!!! If we knew HHB would be with us, we would include her...but we would have to know she would be with us.

It would get worse than that! If I went shopping for myself and HHB would see I had new things, she would tell BM, and BM would yell at DH that I was always buying stuff for me and my bios, but not HHB!!! Remember, I make more than DH....about 50% more to be exact! What I buy for me and my kids is none of BM's business! I take care f mine, unlike BM who has not worked a day since HHB was born!

It wasn't like HHB didn't get to do anything. BM used to take HHB to the coast for vacation every year! Hmmm...that's not something my bios got to do! BM would also take HHB to movies...allowing her to go to midnight premiers on school nights and allowing her to miss school the following day!

One thing that did make me laugh once...DH told HHB we would take her on a cruise with us. Cruises have always been how me and DH get away alone!! I had to put my foot down there, because the kids will be treated the same in this house! We never took my bios on a cruise...we weren't taking HHB...at least not unless we were paying for BD24 and BS20 to take the vacation with us. Not to mention, she has never really bothered to actually try to spend time with DH in her life! Even when she lived her, he would have to beg her to come watch a movie with him! He would let her pick something...15 minutes into the movie, HHB would "need to use the bathroom" and disappear back into her room/cave!

So, if you want to plan something on weekends the others aren't around, it is your right! If DH wants to throw a fit..."It is my right to do things with my kids. If you want to come, great! If you think it is unfair to your girls that YOU go without them...because it is my activity with my kids...then you can stay home and plan an activity for you and your kids whenever they come over!"

twoviewpoints's picture

Why not take your two and just you Plan, go and enjoy...minus DH. You can do these things on any day of the week and on weekends his kids aren't scheduled. Your own personal money (and any Cs you get from your own kids NCP if any) can be spent on day outings for you and your kids. Let Dh sit home and pout. What you shouldn't do is use joint money for the outings for you and your kids.

When the skids are their and DH is going to participate, DH and you each pay the cost of the kids that belong to which parent. Joint money could be used for entire group events. What you shouldn't be doing is using any joint money to pay for things his kids aren't invited to unless DH mutually agrees to it.

Brownhorse's picture

You guys are amazing! I was in a forum along time ago when my ex was an active alcoholic and I knew today I needed a new forum! This was it. Thank-you

By the way my husband ended up finding 4 tickets as an apology. I think his intentions were good but he feels bad for his kids. I understand but I guess need to keep putting my foot down! Things are a changing! Promise that.

Rags's picture

I am not one to support the share the pain method of blending families. Resident kids will obviously get more parental time and will get different activities than non resident kids but the same applies top the non resident kids.

Parents, at least mature ones, do not worry about differences between what one child experiences and what another parent experiences, even in intact initial families kids are different with different needs, different interests, and so they will have different experiences.

Your DH needs to find clarity and quit playing the guilt card over the mother(s) he chose for his children.