Vindictive 14yo SD
I have been with DH for 4 years, he has 3 kids, 19, 17.5, 14. The oldest and youngest are girls, I get along famously with the oldest, who now is out of state at college, SS never leaves his room and is straight up addicted to video games, the youngest daughter does nothing but run her mouth, treat me like complete crap, cocky to DH, does whatever she wants and gets away with it. She is a little mother hen who knows everything about everything.
Youngest SD, writes nasty notes and leaves them around the house for me, purposely ruins my things, and has a tiny dog who is completely untrained and said dog ONLY destroys MY shoes, clothes, anything on my night stand, brings turds up from the basement out of the litter box... I’m losing my mind, DH doesn’t say ANYTHING when I’m disrespected, doesn’t want ME to say anything, and acts like nothing has happened... we have lived together for 2 years just about, bio mom is a dead beat drug addict who doesn’t pay child support and is in and out of jail, so SK are with us 24/7... I have been nothing but patient and nice to SD and just when I let my guard down she makes something out of nothing, lies to DH and either he doesn’t tell me she said something for weeks and I’m walking around the house thinking everything is okay, or he takes her side. SD eavesdrops on any convo I have and only catches bits and pieces and ALWAYS thinks I’m talking about her, so she takes bits of what she hears and twists it all around to DH.
Im at my wits end, I love DH with every fiber of my being, but SD especially, is making life on the weekends and even the week days almost impossible to enjoy.
I did defend myself against SD once over her dog destroying 3 pairs of my leather sandals that were upstairs in my room, and she said there’s a reason why she ONLY destroys MY things, as if I’ve done something to this pup, I love all animals and as much as this dog tests my patience I am nothing but kind to her.
SD uses her dog as a tool to be mean to people especially me, saying I hurt the dog, threw dog off the couch, yell at her, etc. all of which have never in a million years happened.
SD also told DH she overheard me on the phone and said I was making fun of her, calling her fat, calling her a slut (I don’t think she’s even gotten her first kiss, so that is an absolute bold faced lie!), and saying I hate her. I text my mother when aggravated and I vent about SD, I have never uttered one nasty word about her while on the phone. I’m going insane. DH always sides with his daughter, and even when he knows she’s wrong 100% he will not reprimand her or demand respect for me.
I demand and respect and when I do I get told to drop it or forget whatever happened. I am NO pushover, I grew up with strict parents, but I also wasn’t an ungrateful little jerk.
DH has never once spanked any of his kids, they don’t get grounded when they do bad stuff, nothing gets taken away, there are zero consequences for them so they run rampant. Also they do not to anything around the house, it’s all on me, we have a large Victorian house with hardwood floors, so I notice everything on the floor. After steam cleaning the floors, 15 minutes after I finished there was a fresh pile of dog crap on the floor I just cleaned, I had just taken the dog outside and she came in and did that...
Also, whenever SD dog goes to the bathroom on the floor it’s been in the same spot for the most part, right next to the dining room chair I sit in....
HELP
Not always
The issue with SD started happening 11 months ago, everything was good in the house before then. With DH ex being a drug addict she did some crazy shit before they divorced 9 years ago, like bringing the kids to the city with her to buy dope, getting arrested, going to jail (they were separated and not living together while she was doing this so he didn’t know about it til like 3 years ago), so when he’s reminded of that stuff because SD ALWAYS talks about her deadbeat mother and DH tells her he doesn’t care, that prompts her to talk more, and he feels like somehow it was his fault and it was a hard time for them and then he really doesn’t want to reprimand her because she’s ‘been through alot’ and he doesn’t want her to hate him.... SHES A KID SHE WILL GET OVER YOU TELLING HER SHE NEEDS TO STOP BEING A SPOILED LITTLE SHIT!... that’s what I tell him all the time, SD plays in his emotions and it’s like when she does that he sees through rose colored glasses for awhile and she can do no wrong.
DH is a great father, and besides the bull with his daughter, life is pretty calm and good, there are weeks sometimes between incidences, and during that time everything goes smoothly, and yes I do love him, he’s a wonderful man other that being played by SD.
I'm sorry, I'm going to pop
I'm sorry, I'm going to pop your denial bubble here, but he is NOT a great father. A great father sets limits when they are needed. A great father gets a kid therapy when he feels they've been damaged by trauma. A great father doesn't make himself feel better by not parenting his child, because he "feels guilty" about all she's gone through. A great father doesn't allow his child to run amok and be disrespectful of people.
Your husband may love his daughter very much, but he is not being a "great father". You have a DH problem, not a stepkid problem.
My SS one time did something that DH thought was disrespectful of me. ONCE, in 9 years. And DH dropped the hammer on him before I even noticed what had happened.
You are excusing your DH just as he is excusing his daughter, and none of it is acceptable.
Watch out
My husband always defended his daughter's lies. He truly believed her, and I knew he would defend me if he only knew the truth. His kid killed my dog before he opened his eyes. She's 14. He doesn't allow her to manipulate him anymore but the amount of animosity and resentment I have towards that girl will never go away. A lot of the behaviors you described sounded very much like some of the things I dealt with.
Other kids
SD is the baby and the other 2 are respectful to me, he has stood up for me to SD and put her in her place before, I let him know that if I have to be the one to say something he’s not going to be happy with how I handle it because I won’t sugar coat SHIT and she’s going to REALLY hate me afterwards.
DH does know it’s majorly his fault SD is a spoiled a-hole. DH works 12 hours a day 5 days a week so his mother watched the SKids until he got home and she gave them whatever they wanted.
Well, if he know that it's
Well, if he know that it's his fault, what does he plan to do about it? Because you may not hate him YET, but give it another 3-4 years of SD treating you like this, and there is a good chance you will.
I concur
I concur, I will end up probably hating him if he doesn’t fix it, he has made some improvements he tells me he can’t just dump everything on them at once. I told him SD is going to shoot her mouth off to the wrong person in the real world and she will get her face smashed so he better hurry tf up.
Probably not, because she
Probably not, because she knows there will be consequences in the real world, while there are none at home.
So There have been a lot of
So There have been a lot of comments on this so far that are putting my husband down and putting more blame on me, I posted so I could vent and maybe get some opinions on how other people dealt with the situation, not to be told my expectations of a man and marriage must be low. So if you have some nasty shit to say don’t bother commenting.
Helpful comments only.
But you are still defending
But you are still defending your husband's refusal to parent his child. Many people come on here hating their skid, and leave realizing it's really a partner problem that they have. This is what people are trying to point out to you.
Your DH has to take control of his child and stop making excuses for why he won't do it. And you have to stop letting him tell you to not address the problem. You do not have to live in a home with someone who is being rude to you. You have every right to tell her it's unacceptable when she or her little dog do something that's harmful to you or your belongings, and set boundaries around yourself.
That is what people have done to address this issue.
Your DH does absolutely
Your DH does absolutely nothing to warrant your love IMHO. Why in the hell would you love a man, or more accurately a non man, who tolerates his toxic prior relationship crotch dropping disrespecting you incessently?
If he were a man, he would whup some toxic teen ass for that crap.
There is not much from what I can tell about this prick that is worthy of love.
Move on.
The biggest problem here,
The biggest problem here, whether you want to hear it or not, is your husband. He is not parenting his daughter properly. Whether that is for the noblest of reasons or not, that is the issue from what you've described. He might benefit from a professional telling him that his parenting from guilt is doing his child more harm than good. Perhaps counseling is in order.
Your husband is also allowing his daughter to disrespect you, and taking his daughter's side against you. A good partner does not do this, and a secure individual generally does not allow this on a consistent basis. This is another area where counseling might help. I personally could not live this way. If I loved my husband but was being treated this poorly by his child and did not want to divorce him, I would consider living separately until the child was out of the house. DH could visit as often as he wanted but SD would not be welcome.
Thankyou
thankyou for the input I’ve been thinking about therapy of some sort for the whole family recently, and I’m not mad at anyone on here lol just would rather have some constructive positive feedback.
I agree with the others here.
Even 1 year after tolerating behaviour like this and a partner or husband who never sides with me ever, i’d resent hubby.
i would struggle to love him more when there has been no evidence of him witnessing me do what sd says but yet sides with her 100% of the time.
also a parent would know when their own kids hate their spouse/partner purely out of spite and do everything they can to make life miserable and unbearable for her and wouldn’t trust most things coming out of their kids mouth because actions speak louder than words....
op you need to get to a point where you are just angry at these kids and your partner and tell him how dare he allow this to continue. This dog crap thing and ruining your things, i’d be sending pics to hubby of all the stuff damaged and inclined to nannycam sd so when she tells hubby you did blah blah blah today, ask what time was this and review footage and show your partner that she lied
maybe he needs that wakeup call to realise she is a liar. This is not a happy home environment to be living in and skids those ages are perfectly able to do chores at home without their dad making excuses for it.
if my 2&3 yr old toddlers are capable of helping me hang laundry or put dirty clothes in washing machine and pick up mess/toys off the floor, these skids are perfectly capable of doing more. You are just being treated like a housemaid and i don’t see how current home environment even helps create any level of intimacy but more rather hostility...
op curious georgetta is not a stepparent and loves to put us down, that we do not have valid concerns and always excuses and justifies skids behaviours like you described. Thats why she suggested a ridiculous live apart because many relationships survive like this.... well they don’t, its common knowledge when you can’t stand living together with your partner that the relationship will not survive 1 bit
Nannycam
I recently looked into nanny cams and home surveillance, I will be ordering one, I just have no idea where I’d hide it so they wouldn’t notice, I’ll have to figure that out.
also, DH his a credit card and 80 dollars because things were going missing in our house like earrings and a necklace of SD, and somehow SD blamed ME!! It was oldest SD boyfriend at the time, he got kicked out of his house and was here all the time, then things started to go missing, I went to my mothers for a few days and I’m those few days the jewelry went missing and I was to blame, I also had zero knowledge of DH hiding the credit card or money, but the boyfriend was here those days, in their room alone, like usual, they shared a room til oldest went off to college. Thank you for giving me some support and offering solutions instead of putting me down even more, I’m not a church mouse I do say things wether hubby likes it or not then it’s an even bigger problem.
DH and skids lives with my mother in-law for a short time before we moved in here and she doesn’t put up with any kind of mess, she’s a clean freak, they didn’t leave messes there but as soon as we moved in here they didn’t clean up after themselves, SD did dishes once in awhile and her own laundry, then only washed the dishes she made when forced, now does no dishes at all and leaves messes...
hubby gets pissed when I bitch about the messes and chewed up things from the dog, he says I say the same thing every day... WELL DO SOMETHING ABOUT IT THEN IM NO ONES DAMN MAID!!!!
Exactly and you’ll find we all dealt with that from our men
Its embarassing for them when you lay down the facts what their kids did and didn't do all day so they claim you’re nagging or why you been so hormonal since having kids, its a defense mechanism to escape their part in this behaviour continuing and in order for them to accept fault they would need to sort out this mess and its overwhelming and they get to play innocent victim and you become the initiator of conflict when in reality your partner and kids were.
keep laying down the issues, i’ve done it even on real busy days where hubby has important meetings with ceo of his company or company being investigated by govt agencies and hubby has been interrogated for hours.
they’ll usually get to a point where they snap and if they try to blame it on you like you’re nagging etc and they want no drama and a happy life, don’t feel guilty
my husband always said he wanted a happy life as he always fought with exwife as she was just always hostile and i would say “happy wife = happy life”, because otherwise hubby is putting me down at the bottom like i’m not important in comparison to his family and kids.
people like curious georgetta will say kids come first and his relationship with kids predates you but you know what?
even in intact families when new kids come into the family, we adjust, evolve and compromise. There is no well your big brother predates you so suck it up that he’s more important than you...
with the nannycam is there a main area thats a hotspot? What sort of nannycam did you get? Skids like yours are out to cause issue, i doubt they’d be looking for nannycams. If you have a few then i’d suggest 1 in sd room, 1 in yours and maybe 1 in main living area or where dog attacks your belongins and poos/pees there. Who knows it may show sd coaching her dog to do his business there and show her shaking your belongings in front of the dog so he’ll attack it. That would be gold showing it to hubby and in front of sd, jaws dropped and sd will no doubt have fake tears and say how dare you video this, such an invasion of privacy.
well hun you lost the right to privacy when you made serious false allegations about me, stole my belongings and damaged them. Any bio parent would be embarassed and mortified seeing that footage if they’re still sane
all of curious georgetta’s posts are demeaning to stepparents and claim we aren’t parents, we have no right to dictate things at home, we aren’t allowed to discipline skids or have expectations of them. We just suck it up 100% and shut our mouth or better still live separately whilst maintaining this clearly dysfunctional relationship. Her posts always excuse skids pathetic behaviour
when you are paying the bills, maintaining the house and a responsible adult, any person living in the home has a right to basic civility and respect and that others do their part. So you are well within your right to demand better treatment and respect, don’t ever feel guilty about it.
as far as i’m concerned, my ss20 treats home like a pit stop so he doesn’t dictate how we run our home and treat us like shit. I made hubby sort that mess out and it took 4 years before hubby manned up.
Thats 4 years of abuse, disrespect and shit i and our kids had to tolerate and me telling hubby i was leaving him before he made changes and not take ss pathetic imaginary excuses
I hv been thru a similar
I hv been thru a similar situation. Probably not so intense. DH got a dog and she is not behaving. I have very strict rules for the dog. I do not like her going on carpets n couch. And I think it's fair she does not enter your room - she is not your little rascal. Make the rules and tell DH. His response will tell you if it's worth it. And I gave an ultimatum, if dog misbehaves she is leaving the house. Even if she is your SD's dog, the dog misbehaves, the dog leaves. It's your home. Or install gates. Or cages. I did a lot to protect my own space - no dogs allowed and if the dog has rights to venture in the house, you have the right to protect your own space.
I installed cameras in my home too but I used old mobile phones. Cheap way to test the system. Used an app called Alfred to activate several cameras. And you dont need a reason to install cameras. I just say for security. And I did put one in my room. It's in the open and let SD know. You dont have to hide in your own room. It's for security and there is nothing to hide. She should be aware you are watching so she won't try anything stupid. Why not - it's your home after all. And honestly she doesn't need to know if its turned on or not - it's more for prevention.
SD also took my socks. I was quite mad. Eventually I confronted her. And I deliberately speak only when DH was around. No need to carry tales for anyone. I asked if my stuffs accidentally mixed up with hers. She was like I dont know how it landed up there. Few days later I asked her again and she said the same shit and still not return it. So I made a joke that the socks walked over. She went into a fit! And told me that I a belittling her - apparently her therapist told her to be honest. So I started to be "honest" too and and told her everything in my head. She continued her fit but behaved a lot better after that. DH was almost getting mad too but I told him not too cuz SD has a history of self-harm like her crazy mom!
Anyway, long story short, i fully understand it's easier to walk out n leave everything behind. But it's not true. I am not walking out of my marriage n DH and kids because of SD. This will vindicate her and destroy everything I hv built w DH. I tell myself all the time, I am doing charity tolerating this shit. Your own conscience n God will know the truth. Hang in there. She will move out one day.
And have a talk w DH. I felt so much better after letting it out. It might limited what he can do. SD is still her daughter. Bet he felt trapped in between but it's good to vent to him and have him hear you out. You need some loving tender care from him and it feels good.
Why the HELL isn't that dog
Why the HELL isn't that dog house-trained?! Put your foot down - it stay's in SD's room unless she is taking it outdoors. An untrained dog should not be allowed to roam the house. End of story.
It's time....
It's time to make a decision. Do you have joint children together or highly intertwined finances? Can you afford to get out on your own?
This sounds awful. And honestly, the dog is the least of your worries. DH is your first big problem by not handling this daughter, and your SD is a close second. She's got it in for you.
If you stay, what is your plan for making your situation more comfortable for you? Are you prepared to follow through on leaving if it comes to that?
So why, exactly, do you let
So why, exactly, do you let your guard down? Time to deliver a life of pain, suffering and abject misery to this little POS chip off of the POS BM's block.
F that crap your DH pulls with ignoring this little toxic crotch turd's manipulative evil shit. Take the dog to the pound and give it a chance at living with someone who is not a POS, save every toxic note and send pics of them all to DH each time a new one shows up. Any time anything of your's is damaged or disappears start eliminating critical elements of the turd of a SD-14's life starting with her phone, then the door to her room, then her bed, furniture, clothing, etc.... When she is living in a bare room sleeping on a palate on the floor clarity will start to root.
See how she likes a life of pain, suffering, misery and embarrassment.
She will change her tune. Daddy needs to understand that since he is no man, no parent and no husband that his prior relationship breeding experiment will suffer due ot his abject failure as a man, parent, etc....
Just because your POS husband is pathetic does not mean that you have to be.
Grrrrr!