Oh, and I am looking into joining a local parenting discussion group; her dad has been in "single parent survival mode" only seeking to put out the most urgent of fires as they flare up for too long, and I need the help in coping with this and checking myself and my own beliefs on child rearing etc with other parents who can PLAN and be pro-active in working toward long term solutions.

I love hubby loads, but our different approaches to this are hurting our relationship

Heck, 4 years ago, I had no kids; now, this one (amongst others! This isn't even my only step-kid!).

Thanks for the comment,

MizFoxie

. I have mentioned that her going to live with her mom if she couldn't find other arrangements or live with us is totally an option. Not one either the birth mom nor kid will consider; but it does point out directly to the kid that there are worse places to be than with us! (Birth mom is relatively useless. Not effective parent, doing nothing with life, chronically unemployed and basically given up on life and parenting and all; lives far from any sort of city too, so nothing for a kid to do who needs to be the centre of attention and social with peers).

Dad's back up solution is encouraging her to join the military. Not sure they'd take her (Canadian: it is mildly selective about who they take). Maybe because of gender they might? (and she'd struggle; all rules! Really doubt it would work. . .only if he appealed to her pride in finishing basic maybe. . . ). I hate the idea of a brat being dumped into the military for the benefit of her learning to follow a rule or accept personal responsibility; it seems unfair to the military! Nor do I feel ultimately it would be a fit for her future planning of a life. But perhaps if it helps her grow up. . . ??????

Firstly~ *hugs* to the forum for the feedback and advice and shared frustrated words lol

Having tried to enforce rules on this kid before (with dad's support in setting the rules). . . had poor results. Including kid complaining when I put all her garbage from around the house A) on the stairs to her room "oh, it's a safety hazard and I could fall down the stairs!" (*cough*)
then at the door to her room "I can't even get into my own room!" (yeah, so?)
to C) on her bed, not even putting anything over the cover to protect it "I can't even sleep in my bed!!" (so? I couldn't put a cup on the coffee table for all your garbage there, including your DIRTY SOCKS!)

Basically, tried and failed.
Next, tried garbage bin. Massive freak out! I'm okay with that; she might learn. Nope! Taught-blocked by dad!
I got asked to pass enforcement off to hubby (dad) since she complained to him and stressed him out too much with it. At that point, basically it is me telling him it needs to be put away. . . then him either doing it, or telling her, she doing part of it, me telling him the rest also needs to be done, then him telling her again. . . then waiting a day. . . then it might be done.

Other things, like to sweep the floor daily. . . heck, weekly? Went similarly by the wayside.

She's apparently working on getting a job. . . possibly has a part time one that hasn't started yet (2 weeks after saying has one). . . with possible pondering of a second part time job (since I did make it clear to dad that when done school, need to be doing something full time other than sleeping/watching tv/socializing all life). I'm not going to enable that! <<<< I'm aware I should have set a deadline with hubby for this! Will speak with him about it again this weekend.

And if the next little bit fails. . . I will bring up the 6 month's rent option to hubby. We actually paid for her room/board during the time we were moving, to get her out of the house to clean/fix/stage/show the house to sell it. Had to pay the parents of a friend to keep her there; and we were told by them in no uncertain terms the deadline to move her out after they had her for a couple weeks. Even paying them to keep her, they wanted her out asap! Paying her rent for her for 6 months would be a significant financial strain for us; but it would be better than emotional toil if she continues like the last year. *sigh*. Also, I hate the idea of "us" doing the work to find her a place to live. I mean, who does that????? And when at 8 months, she falls behind in rent. . . if it was a place we got her into, we might be liable to cover her again?

We're currently in a holding pattern waiting for our family counselling referral, things are basically at a stalemate. Hubby knows I'm avoiding his kid, and kid has complained to him about it. He's asked me to "try" to be nice with her; I've told him flat out it isn't for him to fix, it is for KID, and if she wants to, she can talk with me. I am done reaching out to this kid, and done with taking her pissy junk tossed my way. But nothing will happen with her unless she is hugely an issue until "we" at least give counselling a try. Darn slow referral process! <<<< I think I'll have to push for her to complete the referral process for her to have the individual counselling too. It was part of the original agreement, as pointed out. Her changing her mind to that means she's not agreeing to the terms to live here, and I ought to make that clear to hubby.

I want MY life to be fun and fair and happy again!! And I fear the reality that counselling takes a long time to work, and only works when participants are willing and wanting to change. She may be feeling "forced" to show up, and I don't honestly believe she'll take responsibility (as she hasn't yet taken responsibility for much in her life!).

Thanks, Jasper,
I'm trying!
(want to be fair too. . . so fair to both sides, meaning stick with agreements set so need to talk with dad about the failing bits tonight! )

We had one skid go live with the BM, with understanding we weren't going to be doing this back and forth of ducking to the other birth parent when not loving house rules etc. So we were meant not to fuss over that one ("have full custody") for 5 years, until school finished. Despite that 'fact', now that skid is coming back sometime near future since BM having some sort of depressive issue and BD feels a kid shouldn't have to deal or see a parent have (mild mental) health issue. Basically, Hopefalls, I wish we had your boarding school option! But reality is after 15 months in BMs custody, it will be a battle to get the skid to even attend a school again! BM let the kid drop out as soon as skid arrived in her care, basically!

Anyways, update for this SD18 is this week she (finally) started her part time job. So yay, some hours of freedom for the rest of the household! She's loving the job (social job) and seems to do well enough at it.

Husband today asked it I was seeing improvement in her behaviour and attitude. Eeeeeeer? Not really; in she's had the responsibility I'd give a elementary school kid, and pointing to the dirty socks and dish currently visible, and to the fact he 'bails her out' of things she ought to be doing like feeding herself by taking her out to eat when she's hungry, or waking her up in the afternoons (setting his alarm, then calling her or physically waking her) instead of her having the responsibility to wake in time for work, or heck, buying her own (minor, affordable, non necessary) things instead of him doing it. <<<

<<<< so I called him on his 'enabling' of her, with so low expectations for her.

Oh, and still waiting on counselling which hubby asked if was still needed. Needless to say, we're going to family doctor tomorrow now to try to get a referral through faster after my reply to him!

Why don't birth parents see their own behaviours and expectations shape their kids??? Of course teens will be selfish and egotistical and want things their own way! That's part of being a teen; until learn better and grow up! So why are birth parents so afraid or unmotivated in helping their kid grow up?
Not a new concept, I don't think!