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Okay, Folks Need Some Help So My a$$hat SS21 Doesn't Ruin My Wedding Anniversary, Birthday, and Vacation all at One Time

pinkb's picture

Venting... and trying not to kill someone.

Some of you saw my post at the beginning of the summer where my SS21 got hooked up (thanks to the step monster, me) with a nice, well paying job over the summer. Well, it took him about a week and a half to outwear that welcome but my work husband kept him for the remainder of the summer. Work husband and I didn't talk about him or his performance all summer until the last few days when work hubby told me about the exit interview that he had earlier this week.

Seems the self-entitled self-absorbed pompous jacka$$ spent most of the summer either popping off to his co-workers about how awesome he is, popped off to leadership about how "easy" his job was, popped off about being bored, etc. Add to that stealing food, toiletries, etc. from his roommates (also co-workers) without asking and bitching around the house about how *lame* his job is. "Hey, jacka$$, if someone was paying me that kind of coin to be bored at your age, without a degree, I wouldn't be alienating myself from my team but maybe try to learn something".

I heard about the exit interview today. Kid assumed that his bitching to his father got back to my work husband (as I mentioned... I've stayed far removed because I didn't want to be blamed if kid messed it up). Kid's response was "well, I thought my conversations with my Dad stayed with me and my Dad". My work husband said, "Hey, jerk, I heard all this from your co-workers... and lots of these guys are very happy to have these jobs making this much money". This was also peppered with "Good luck on graduation because this job is about as drama-free and low maintenance as it gets and if you can't learn to play on a team, good luck with your future... because you won't be working here". At this point the kid TALKS BACK TO HIS BOSS. "Well, I'm going to graduate with my anthropology degree and make $105K per year right out of school. His Boss just laughed in his face and excused him.

Now the fun begins... when I talked to work husband this afternoon was my first knowledge that kid is returning to the area on SATURDAY (yes, two days from now). No one has mentioned it to me at all. My husband assures me that "he has a ride 'home'". THIS ISN'T FREAKING 'HOME'. Saturday is our wedding anniversary, Monday is my birthday, and the next two weeks are the first vacation that I have had in YEARS.

I do not want a 21yo kid wandering about in his boxers, coming and going whenever he pleases. And, frankly, I want to be able to walk around naked if I want. My husband isn't here for 12+ hours of the day and I DON'T WANT HIM HERE!

How do I start this conversation because right now, I seriously want to throw myself off the roof. HELP.

Merry's picture

Yep, and I have no issues with an anthro degree. Working anthropologists can do some pretty cool things. Undergrads are attracted to the field right now because of all the crime shows that solve cases using forensic anthropology (and other) techniques and not understanding that a 60 minute tv show is not real life. Many change majors when they figure out it's hard work and certainly not glamorous.

My DD graduated with a degree in anthropology. She loves it. Says she can't even work in the field without a master's degree. She IS working at a real job with benefits and never, ever has to ask anybody if they want fries. Very proud of her. Nowhere near $105K though. Your SS is in for quite a time if he believes the things he says.

IDontCare3117's picture

I don't think even engineering and tech degree holders graduate with a $105k a year job. I can't picture someone with an anthropology degree getting that kind of money.

SacrificialLamb's picture

My sons best friend graduated a year ago from a top aeronautical engineering program with a 4.0 GPA. Got a job at a major airline manufacturer in the most prestigious department. Nowhere near $105k. OPs SS is delusional.

sammigirl's picture

I'm not telling you to do what I would do; but......I would contact SS and tell him he needs to make other arrangements, you have plans and want absolutely no guests in your home. Then after you have set that boundary, tell DH that you did it and your reasons; then stand your ground. SS can make other arrangements on his own, beginning this trip and future trips.

I found that relying on my DH to set the pace with my SD and SGD has NEVER worked, so I did it. It isn't easy. I set the boundaries and then I DID NOT argue with DH. I told him that I did it and why and that is the way it stays in the future.

He was mad, pouty, you name it; but DH got over it.

Seriously, you have to take control of your own destiny in such situations.

Good Luck and (((((hugs)))))

moeilijk's picture

Text your husband. Say this: I just want to thank you for making sure I have my vacation days to myself. I can't wait to enjoy my alone time while you're at work. I even had a nightmare that SS was there while I was walking around naked drinking a mojito!! Haha!

And now you've made your understanding of what is going to happen clear. Normally my advice is to be very direct about things, but right now, you are worrying about what *might* happen, so asking about it directly is just borrowing trouble at this point.

SacrificialLamb's picture

My DD graduated with an anthropology degree. She got a 35 on the ACT and got a full scholarship so she's pretty dang smart.

She did not get a job out of college making $105,000. You need additional schooling in anthropology. DD now is a professional hiker, hiking a 3,000 mile trail this summer.

Maybe you should suggest long hikes to SS21? Lol he might enjoy it and the benefit for you is long absences and a lot of time in a cell dead zone.

Is your place the only place he can stay? I remember your previous stories but not if he considered living with dad home. How long would he be there if he staying with you? I think you need to bite the bullet and remind your DH that Saturday is your anniversary, Monday is your birthday and you need to RELAX on your vacation. That is what vacation is for!

pinkb's picture

I try to keep SS21 out of my conversations with husband and family as much as possible... but reading "between the lines" as of late I think that his other family members are sick of his holier-than-though attitude (and Aunt, an Uncle, and his Grandfather). Any/all of them could accommodate him but no one wants to.

For a while there his Uncle always had his door open but he got sick of living in a pig pen, having to clean up after the kid, no appreciation, etc.

It will be three and a half weeks between when he gets back to our general area until he goes back to school. NO FREAKING WAY. It's possible that the kid isn't planning on being here except to retrieve his car (which would be a VERY sweet dream) but the nightmare that I envision is coming/going at all hours of the day/night, boinking his pizza queen in my guest bedroom, and wandering around talking on his phone for three and a half freaking weeks.

Just thinking about it my blood is boiling. How can his Dad think it's okay that it's two days before he arrives (admittedly in the middle of the night on our wedding anniversary) and he hasn't mentioned it to me?

WTF?

sammigirl's picture

First, I would call personally and tell SS exactly what is up. Tell him, you are not having him stay at your house, because it is your anniversary, it is your birthday, and you are taking a quiet vacation at home for two weeks.

If he hangs up on you, email him and tell him "no way and absolutely no argument, the answer is, it is our home and I call the shots this trip and in the future concerning who lives here. End of conversation. We will meet you for brunch, etc.". Stay civil, mature, and keep a positive stern voice tone.

Then if he whines to your DH, own it, with the same civil, mature, and positive stern voice tone. Don't argue with anyone on your decision and you owe nobody an explanation. Tell DH you have the right to set boundaries in your own home. This is what I did. It does take a lot of nerve, the first time. It's like saying "No" the first time; after that it gets much easier.

Go for it, you will love yourself and enjoy your time much more; there will be no guilt, if you are straight up. Happy Anniversary, Happy Birthday, and have a nice vacation!

((((hugs))))

jam's picture

I really like sammigirls advise.

I might add having someone follow me to the airport so that I could drop off ss car.

pinkb's picture

Sammi, I hear you and I am trying to work up the nerve. What I'm usually met with is "Well, what makes you think wants to stay here anyway"? I don't freaking care what he wants or doesn't want. It's not an option and it's not HIS choice!

His flight arrives late Saturday/early Sunday. I am leaning towards sending the kid an email INFORMING HIM that we "look forward to him coming back (NOT) but we're not having guests at all between now and Labor Day.

The kid is so full of himself he'll likely declare that he didn't plan on being here (at the house) anyway. In which case I'll be a happy camper and end the conversation with "can't wait to see you for brunch on Sunday!"

Why does my jacka$$ husband keep springing this sh!t on me? Oh, wait, it's because I would have said "F*** NO!" weeks ago.

Merry's picture

Except that he won't consider himself a guest. He's ENTITLED to be wherever he wants to. Reword... but you can't stay with us until after Labor Day.

My DH has a real problem with being secretive too when there is something he thinks I won't like. Shine a light and watch the cockroaches run.

queensway's picture

Maybe you should pick him up at the airport and have a honest talk with your SS. I always find being truthful is the best way.

sammigirl's picture

When DH comes back with "Well, what makes you think he wants to stay here anyway?" Just turn and walk out of the conversation, say nothing, just stick to your boundaries; silence is golden.

Set your boundaries, the door is open, walk thru it and stay firm and calm.

((((Hugs))))

Java_Junkie's picture

So, you said...
The kid is so full of himself he'll likely declare that he didn't plan on being here (at the house) anyway.

...and you said...
Why does my jacka$$ husband keep springing this sh!t on me?

Have you been wondering from whom SS might have learned that behavior? Let that thought steep a little... I suspect your SS may be doing what he was taught or conditioned to do.

That said, in my opinion, your SS is an adult. It reads to me like he's not very mature, which shows me he's never had a lot of responsibility put onto him. He's entitled. So, anything you say to correct him will put his hackles up. If DH says anything, SS will react, but DH will probably back down. Therefore, I recommend to DH that you both find a way to set that boundary so SS knows that if he stays there, you don't have the best accommodations for him, and that as an adult, the room he used to stay in is no longer "his" room, but is the GUEST room. Something like that, maybe, it's up to you both to decide - and then, when DH goes to tell SS, you need to be there with him to shore him up if SS starts pouting to get his way, so DH has your backing to say NO.

pinkb's picture

Java, Great advice. For now, kid won't be here at all. We will see if that sticks.

If not we will have plenty of house guests during that time and I WILL be walking around naked making him ridiculously uncomfortable.

P.S. I'm not a supermodel.

Veritas's picture

Really don't know what your situation is, but I would be driving the bus....maybe you already know these things but I would be speaking up, asking what is the plan now that the job is over?

What did you think SS was going to do or where was he going to live? Was none of that discussed this summer?

pinkb's picture

Hi Veritas, if you'd asked us a year ago kid was supposed to graduate this past semester. THAT didn't happen. Now, he's supposed to graduate in December. I'm not placing bets on that either.

School starts back up on 9/5. That's three and a half weeks from now. I assumed (bad on me) that the kid would be working his very lucrative job until the last possible moment since he doesn't have a job back here. He's taking off almost a month early to mess around and play with his friends. I'm not supporting that, hosting it, or paying for it. Nor am I sharing my hard earned vacation with that punk.

Nothing was discussed until I asked TODAY (two days before the devil's spawn lands on my doorstep). I'm leaning towards...

"DH, as you recall I'm on PTO starting tomorrow until the end of the month and I wasn't planning on house guests. I'm sure you've made that clear but if not, I'm happy to. Love, Your Wife".

Thoughts?

queensway's picture

Maybe your husband can take your SS away for a vacation so you can have some time to yourself.

Veritas's picture

Ah, gotcha! LOL, that is a good approach...you know, all of us can only answer with what we would do, envisioning ourselves in this situation...unfortunately, your situation has nuances that we won't be able to perceive....having said that, I would be straight with asking DH, what is the plan, since SS is arriving Saturday? If your DH has no clue either of what's happening, that is where I would make it clear: DH, just to be up front and clear, here is my boundary...this is my vacation time...I have plans, I have expectations about how my days are going to transpire and there is no place for a SS in all that....let you DH handle telling SS or not...just really not your stress or issue as long as DH knows where you stand....I am rooting for you Pink!

pinkb's picture

I just sent this:

"DH, You are an a$$hole. What the f*** were you thinking? Saturday is our wedding anniversary. I'm on PTO until the end of the month. And Monday is my birthday. I want... no, I DEMAND quiet, quality time in my home without SS21 bumbling around with his entitled attitude.

You did not confer with me on this and I am very opposed to it, especially given that I bet you are thinking that the kid will remain here boinking his girlfriend and coming and going as he pleases until school starts 3 1/2 weeks from now.

Thanks for thinking of me, DH. You really do need to learn that "Life is a Team Sport" stuff you spew. And, we are (supposedly) on the same team? Though, by the way you act you really don't believe your own words. Or minimally, you don't live them.

You Wife

P.S. You might want to ask about his exit interview with the firm. He had the nerve to throw YOU under the bus. Embarrassing stuff."

queensway's picture

I think it was harsh. She may very well have all that time to herself. Maybe that is why she would talk like that to her husband. Why call names? It just will make things worse.

pinkb's picture

Hi queensway, I agree it IS harsh. But I can only go so long being nice and hoping he "gets it" only so he can do it again the next time. I bet he's known for weeks the kid was coming home 2 days from now and didn't mention it because he knew I would be ticked off.

No more Mr. Nice Guy (Gal) on this. I've had it.

sammigirl's picture

I don't know the whole story, but you attract bees with honey. I find that the tone of voice and attitude of firmness with a sprinkle of lightness will go a long way.

If I get angry, I end up angry at myself, for letting my anger show. If I stay civil and calm, I am very happy with myself.

I understand "you've had enough"; there is a breaking point, and you have reached it. Just stand your ground, now that you have made your point.

Good Luck
Again (((hugs)))

queensway's picture

Yes you attract more bees with honey. But once you start throwing names at one another things will get worse. No matter how angry you are.

Veritas's picture

Yes, queensway, it WAS harsh, but it was harsh to someone in her own world and she is happy with it so I am happy for her that this stress is more than not resolved....everyone finds their own way Smile

Java_Junkie's picture

Just my opinion... The name calling wouldn't fly with me. I don't do it - and don't appreciate it when others do to me. I've been called plenty of names, sometimes I earned it; but that still doesn't make it right.

That said, I would have worded the message differently, though I agree that you needed to set that boundary. Let's hope your wording doesn't cause any unwanted repercussions. It's pretty caustic... and I'd also wonder, if it takes something that caustic to get through to him, are you actually happy with him? Only you can answer that, but in my view, a loving relationship would not be so caustic (and still, nobody would be walking all over the other).

pinkb's picture

Hi Java.

All true. I have tried to take soft, baby steps and I seem to always get manipulated little by little into caving.

I'm not proud of my words. However (for now) I'm going to have my home to myself for my vacation.

I'm sure this won't be the end of this but I'm happy for now.

I thank everyone for the guidance.

Pink

pinkb's picture

No kidding... I'm pretty sure work husband kept him because we are good friends and he knew that the little punk would end up back on my doorstep and he would have to console me all summer.

DH has called 7 times in the last half hour since he read the email. Jaca$$ kid specifically asked if I would be home the night he lands back here. Where the heck else would I be on a Saturday night?

Kid's Boss told him in no uncertain terms he's not welcome back. I, too, wish he'd just canned the little punk. SOOOOO glad I stayed out of the fray this summer. No one can blame this sh!t on me.

pinkb's picture

Well, that worked freaking brilliantly. Please remind me to be a bad a$$ more often, Ladies.

No kid. At all. He's going to crash with his Uncle until he goes back to school.I don't think this was the original plan though DH represented it was.
I wonder if SS21s Uncle knows the kid is crashing with him for 3 1/2 weeks. Whatever! Not my monkey. Not my circus.

I agreed that on our way to our anniversary dinner that we would drop kid's car off at the bus station. Done and done.

Then, I plan to wander around naked all of my vacation.

Thank you all. You are awesome!

notsurehowtodeal's picture

Good for you! Sometimes you have to lay it on the line in no uncertain terms for a DH to finally get it and realize you are serious. Enjoy your vacation!

sandye21's picture

Pink, you wrote the text and sent it. DH knew you were upset - and you had every right to be. If DH complains at all do what Sammi said, "I set the boundaries and then I DID NOT argue with DH." I find this works best with me too. I don't give DH any more ammunition than he can process at one time. Usually I let a lot of things slide but there are some things that I will die on the hill for. SD moving in is one of them. Ruining my Anniversary or Birthday is another - because she's done it.

hereiam's picture

I'm glad it all worked out. The kid screwed up all on his own, no way would he be back crashing at my house because HE screwed up.

SacrificialLamb's picture

I am glad that things worked out for you. But if SS21 is graduating next semester, there is a strong likelihood he will be hanging around your home after he graduates, which is during the holiday season. He showed he is out of touch with reality with his salary expectations and companies hire less at the end of the year. You and DH should work those parameters out now before the holiday season gets here.