STEP SON....what now?
Ok. I have a stepson (15), well not technically on account his mom and I aren't married. But we have been together for 10 years. We have been together since he was 5 and we now have 2 more kids. SS(stepson) calls me Dad and has since he was 7. The problem???
We don't get along. We don't get along because over the years we have our fair share of arguments and yelling matches. (I know.. not very mature on my part) I am 41 and for those in my age range, we can attest to being raised differently. I say differently in the fact we were held accountable for our actions. I feel I do this and get undermined by his mother. She is starting to see this and considered sending him to military school and was strongly considering it but, its plus 5k a month. So that isn't happening.
Now I know people can sugar coat there story and say, "Oh, I'm so reasonable and I'm the calm one." I know I have my flaws and I know I have a severe temper. I feel its gotten to that point because of my SS and that kills me. It kills me that I let a teenage dictate my feelings and shows me how mentally unstable I am.
It's not just the attitude towards me. It's to the whole family. His mother, his bother, his sister. Everything out his mouth is with attitude, disrespect, condescends, or complete apathy. I get he is a teenager, and I consider him my own as he doesn't see is Bio at all (never met him) so I expect him to have the same values and ethics I was brought up with. So those are what I try to instill.
I guess without writing an entire book and explaining things I already understand could be the possibility, I'm looking for advise on how not be disappointed and convey that daily. How can I "pick and choose" my battles, or not take things personally. I really only want the best for my SS and to achieve that I feel I need to hold him accountable for his actions and be stern as that's how I was raised.
I'd just like to start some dialogue to get different perspectives.
cheers!
Congratulations!
You have a teen! They can be awful creatures.
The more you can ignore him, and let his mother parent, the better you will be. This is not your child, and it’s times like this he needs his mom to step up and parent.
If you try to play the heavy, you will face his resentment. Your wife needs to lay down the law, with you supporting her.
Meanwhile, you can look into anger management and ways to deescalate situations. But keep in mind teens are hormone driven and seldom rational.
I would suggest the OP finds
I would suggest the OP finds a therapist to help him manage his anger. Most anger management programs are a joke. A therapist would be better equipped to help him find solutions toward his punk ass SS as well.
Your GF is the problem here.
Your GF is the problem here.
You see him as your son, and he sees you as his father, so you can be the parent; my guess, though, is that when you try to parent him, she gives him the clear or subtle message that she thinks you are a mean old ogre, and thereby gives him permission to hate you and ignore your authority.
This can happen in intact families, too, it's what happened to my DH with his ex-wife. Any limit he set was undercut by BM giving SS the message that DH was too harsh and mean, and of course, after the divorce, this led to alienation and SS19 being a complete and total Mama's Boy.
Get your GF on board for BOTH of you to crack down on this kid, not just you. You don't need military school if you have TWO strong parents in the home.
Find a good therapist to help. A good family therapist will work with your SS, but also with you and GF to be better parents.
The problem - you are trying
The problem - you are trying to instill values in a child that is not your own.
Yes you have been the one raising him, but in the end there is an actual bio parent who has the ability to veto anything you put in place.
The issue in that ^^^ is your GF. If she were on the same page as you when it comes to raising her son this would be a non-issue. She obviously is not. I can almost see the interaction as if I was a fly on the wall... SS needs to be corrected. You correct him. He goes to mom to play the victim, she eases your correction and the kid gloats about it. Am I right?!
You have two choices here...
1. You can get your GF on the same page. Set rules and boundaries, expectations for all the kids. Then hold her accountable to enforce them. Or...
2. You can disengage. Let the mom handle the SS and step away from parenting him, on all fronts. Nothing comes from you. And make it known, if your GF wants that to be different then she needs to refer to number 1. If she cannot disengagement continues.
There is an age old saying here, "you cannot care more than the bio parent".
Welcome to Steptalk!
Glad you found this site, wrote, and already have good feedback.
You sound like a man who loves the skid very much. As others have already indicated, it's usually the bio-parent who is the actual problem - your girlfriend. If she won't respect you as an equal parenting authority, you can disenge & leave ALLLLL the parenting to GF. That would require you to get help with your anger, because: TEENAGER! Teens are frusterating even in the best of scenario's; with a step-dad who mom isn't married to likely 10x more difficult since the teen will play the You Aren't My Parent card.
Hope you find some encouragement here, and encourage you to share about the dynamics between:
Ususlly there are recognizable patterns & roles.
Have to disengage
Or go nuts. At 15 he is not going to listen to you. And most likelly no to his mother. If he bad enough for military school. I would never spend $50,000 a year on this kid. Let his mother handle it. You Disengage
I PM'd you with a suggestion
I PM'd you with a suggestion for a Military School that is a top 20 boarding school and extremely affordable. My SS attended and it was a great experience for all of us.
He is doing great as a full fledged self supporting viable adult. The school helped.
First of all, that age is
First of all, that age is crappy.. kids press boundaries and throw attitude around and disrespect. their parents are "stupid" and out of touch. But, in the end.. it's still a very formative time in their lives and they need to learn a lot of skills to become adults.
But, you know it.. part of the problem lies in your approach. When you lose your cool with him you are not only stooping to an immature level.. he is likely hearing NOTHING you say but the volume and animosity. THAT is something you need to work on. We don't give kids consequences and lectures because it makes us feel better to release steam.. we do it because they need to learn a lesson.. so the way that lesson is given is important. So.. if you feel yourself spinning out into that mode.. stop.. and leave until you can come back and have the conversation in a calm rational manner.
Perhaps you don't react in the moment.. but come back a couple hours later after thinking things through..perhaps discussing it with his mom. Get yourselves on the same page.
Look, it's not her fault. instinctually she will rush to protect her son from someone screaming angrily at him. That undermines your authority. but she can't help that. Decide together how you will deal with rules broken and when he falls short.. then deal with the giving of consequences together.
And.. even if you DO lose your cool.. go back later and apologize for getting over the top angry but that it's only because you care about him and it drives you crazy to see him going down a bad path.. you want nothing more than for him to live his best life and doing what he did is going to prevent that. Then reinforce the reasonable consequence for his action.. So.. there will be no wifi after 8pm because you can't get yourself up in the AM after gaming all night for example.