To Stay or Go?
I will try to keep this brief although a little background is relevant. My wife and I have been together for 6 years. We have 6 children, 5 are my wife’s from her previous marriage and 1 (the youngest) is our son. Just to give you an idea of the kind of person their father is he was never interested in his children, to the extent that when he and their mother (my wife) split up he was not only happy, but made every effort, to put his wife and children out on the street.
For the first 4 years everything was really good. We went through some rough times with her ex (very expensive court battles over finances, property etc.) but we weathered the storm and came out the other side. I have never had a problem with any of the children we have always got on very well, until relatively recently.
My second SS ( who we will call Tom and was 10 when I met him and now 16) got in with what can only be described as “the wrong crowd” about 2 years ago when he started dating a girl who was a bad influence. He started staying out past his curfew, drinking, taking drugs and generally went off the rails. He was coming home under the influence, screaming, shouting and swearing being verbally abusive to his mother and scaring the living daylights out of his brothers and sisters. This culminated in almost becoming physical one day between the two of us. He ended up in the ED after blowing himself up with an aerosol can on an open fire. I spent 25 years in the military so disrespectful bullying behaviour does not go down well with me.
About a year ago the situation improved when he finally split from this girl, found a new girlfriend and started hanging out with different people (although some of them are still less than desirable).
My wife and I both work incredibly hard. I leave home at 5am every day to go to work and I am not back until 6pm and she works tirelessly to keep our house immaculate and look after the children one of whom is not yet school age. We therefore ask the children (the 3 older ones) to run the vacuum round the ground floor each evening after dinner which quite literally takes between 4 and 5 minutes, just to help out a little. That is quite literally ALL they are asked to do to help out round the house. However the wheels fell off again this weekend.
The children have pretty much everything they ask for X-boxes, TV’s, trunks full of toys (the younger ones) cell phones etc. Tom won’t wear anything unless it’s designer (Armani, Stone Island etc.) I do not agree with this it’s expensive, unnecessary and his mother and I are not like that but he gets it anyway.
On Saturday the kids were arguing about who was going to do the vacuuming. I intervened and said it would be nice if one of them could just be the bigger person and volunteer to do it, whereupon all hell broke loose. Tom looked at his mother and I and screamed “I’m sick of this f***** BS”. Strike one, you NEVER speak to your mother like that or use that language in front of your 4 year old brother and 7 year old sister. I stayed calm (although every fibre of me wanted to knock him on his a** and let me put that in perspective he’s 6”1 and built like a house and I’m only 5”8) I closed the living room door and said let’s have a conversation about this. His unbelievable reaction to this was to get right in my face and scream “Don’t f******* shut the door, I don't want a f****** convbersation, I’m sick of this BS, get the f*** out of my way”. No I don't now about you but if I had even thought about talking to my mother or father like that when I was 16 my father would have taken me apart and rightly so. I wouldn't speak to them or anyone else like that even now and I am a very very long way past 16!
Tom has never been properly disciplined. His mother has been very soft on him because she felt his father had been too hard. I had warned in the past that it would end badly if he didn’t know where the line was and start showing some respect. His father may have been too hard but going the other way and letting him do pretty much anything was equally harmful.
We are in the middle of buying a new house and I have said to my wife that I have no desire to be in the same vicinity as Tom and neither do I want my (our) son and his young sisters being anywhere near someone as abusive, volatile and disrespectful as him and that I have no desire to put a roof over his head.
My wife’s reaction was to say that I knew she came as a package with the children when we got together, which is quite true I did and I have always supported them emotionally and financially as if they were my own. I have never favoured any of them not even my own son, I treat them all equally and they will all admit that. Yet she says if I want to be with her I take them all or none of them, she’s spoken to Tom and that’s all she will do.
My wife and children are my world I love them all.
But what a choice to be given for the sake of one person who should have been disciplined years ago. I stand to lose my wife and family or put up with being abused in my own home.
What would you do? Because I sure as hell don’t know anymore.