SS needs to get a job. How can I make this happen?
My SS lives with his BM full-time but we get him on EVERY holiday, EOWE, and the ENTIRE summer. He will be 18 in 5 months and needs to get a job. My husband is more concerned with checking a box (making sure he is able to say that he got him for the summer...check) instead of making sure his son gets a job. A few years ago when he turned 16 my husband suggested he get a job on our side of town for the summer. Granted that makes no sense because he would be back in school in 2 months and would have to quit his job (We live an hour from BM). BM lives in an area where there are places he could walk to for work. When he is at our home, all he does is play games and eat. No mowing the lawn, washing cars, nothing. I'm the only one who has him do chores around the house. I believe my husband is afraid to ask him to do anything because he may push him away. SS lives like a king and I'm tired. It's time for him to get a job. You would think that because SS friends live next to his BM, he would want to spend time there but it's not the case especially. I can only hope his friends get jobs this summer and he does the same (following their lead) SS told my son that he wants to get a job this summer but he hasn't even started looking and school will be out in 2 weeks. There has been no discussion about what he will do when he graduates high school (which is next year). Not one parent is looking at colleges or the military. My son is in the 9th grade and we are already looking at colleges and prepping for college. How can I get my SS to take some initiative and get a job instead of sitting on his hind tail for the summer? I have more than given up on his parents.
Mustang2008- he gets no money
Mustang2008- he gets no money from me, for sure! I've got to find a way to get him to work this summer. I need to find a way to back into a conversation about it. Husband is just a punk when it comes to being assertive with his kid.
As far as I know he is not
As far as I know he is not getting money from anyone in my home. Now if he gets money from his BM's home, that's her issue. He doesn't go anywhere in order to spend any money. When I was 17/18 years old, I had a job and somewhere to go and spend my money. Now these days, kids are just happy staying at home, playing games or watching TV; which is the case for him.
My issue is my husband not my SS (in my opinion). I think my SS would get a job anywhere but what makes sense is if he gets a job close to where he goes to school so that he can have the job throughout his senior year of high school and thereafter especially if he does nothing with his life after high school. My husband is not even talking about him getting a job and seems he doesn't care either way. But if and when the subject comes up, he suggest him getting a job on our side of town, only for the summer (which is 2 months). Once the summer is over, he will quit his job and then be back at him BM's home trying to get another job for the school year. At least that is the plan that my SS has according to my son. I think he thinks it's easy to just say you will get a job and then it happens and then quit and get another job just because that's how you want it to happen. It just does not work that way.
He needs to learn how to get a job and keep a job for the long haul. So if that means that he only sees his dad a few days during the summer, then so be it. My husband hasn't learned that it is not about checking a box but about making sure he raises his son to be a responsible adult. It would seem as though I will be the one making sure he gets a job this summer. I only hope it's not too late. He should have started looking and applying months ago. By the time he gets out of school, I fear it will be too late.
The next time he is scheduled to come over to our home, he will be out of school for the summer. At that point, it will be too late. I'm trying to figure out a way to approach it while he is over at his BM's house so he can at least start applying for jobs while he is there and with any luck, he will have something before school is out. The question is how do I approach it without the BM taking issue with it.
It's perfectly okay to evict
It's perfectly okay to evict an 18 year old ahole from your home. And his parent too if they are unable to stop enabling.
I know people will say "Words are cheap" - but I've BTDT. I let SS (over 18) be homeless. I did not give a sh*t what happened to him. If my DH had tried to pressure me to take in his worthless alcoholic, violent druggie son then DH could have joined him. My DH is not stupid so that didn't happen.
Change the locks and quit
Change the locks and quit feeding him. That ought to motivate him to get a job.
Teens who think they have all of the answers quickly learn that they don't know their ass from their elbow when they are cold and hungry.
We had to drive a similar message home to our son when he was about that age. He learned in a hurry that defiance and snarky crap got him very cold and very hungry in a hurry. It took about a year to fully drive home the message that he survived at our pleasure and not because of any other reason.
We had him shoveling tons of snow every hour on the hour during major snow storms in one the worst winters in decades (Delaware) and the lessons continued. When we moved to Houston that summer he spent a few very hot days locked out of the house during work hours with no food and only the garden hose for water. His choice to not work or do the tasks we assigned him so he chose the consequences. It did not take long for him to come the realization that doing 4-8 hours of chores every day was a pretty good deal for a roof over his head, food on the table, and some reasonable fun with the family upon occassion. Particularly when balanced against either freezing or sweating to death on an empty stomach.
After 7mos of being our live in scullery maid after his 18th bday he reported to USAF Basic Military Training. He has done a great job of growing up and supporting himself for the last 5yrs.
Deliver the lessons, kids will eventually figure it out.
I hope he figures it out.
I hope he figures it out. But honestly I don't think he is the real problem. I think the problem is his father (my husband). If I had to guess, I would say that he may be afraid to tell him to get a job or it may appear that he doesn't want him around. But there has been an update....
Yesterday a friend of mine told me that a company was having a job fair on Saturday, so I shared the information with my husband. I told him to call SS and tell him to go and fill out the application online and then go to the job fair on Saturday. He seemed a little hesitant but he did it. Now because I know both of them, I will need to follow-up to make sure it happens. It will be just my luck for SS's BM to muck this up with her needs and wants. She has a child with her new husband and wants the boy to babysit while she goes and does her crap. It's almost as if the boy is telling his parents what he wants to do and no one wants him to get a job except me and him. Parents are more concerned with hurting feelings than raising their son. Just crazy....
BM does not let SS use the
BM does not let SS use the cell phone during the week. So any information that I would need to get to him would come through her first. I will ask my husband to make sure SS does everything he needs to do with regard to this job. Unfortunately SS is lazy and we have to follow up regularly.
If we leave this up to BM, I fear she will not tell him about the job because she doesn't want him to get one. If he gets a job, then that means he will be at her house for the summer instead of ours.
Neither one of them (birth parents) look at the big picture. If he gets a job near where he goes to school, then he can keep the job throughout the school year. If he gets a job near his dad, then he would have to quit his job in 2 months. Plus no one is going to hire anyone who can only work for 2 months.
I will do what I can to follow up with this job situation.
A lot of places do hire for
A lot of places do hire for seasonal work, but a lot of it is hard work. And filled with college students who've been looking for months now.
But at 17? If no one's motivated him to work..... only tough love will help, I'm fraid.