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Scared of what they will do

MeDee's picture

I'll try to keep this brief, there's sooo much going on. For background my partner and his wife divorced 9 yrs ago and I came along 3 yrs ago, the first time I met the children they all confided disturbing antidotes from their life with their mom.

The oldest, who is now 15, was distant at first but after a few days with dad became happy and vibrant and we got along well. At the end of dads two months she was inconsolable at the thought of going back to her mother, same thing happened the next year. She begged him to move closer and we were ready and able to so we did. 
After about 2 weeks with her mother the oldest child started to become hostile to her father and me. 2 months later she physically attacked her father for grounding her over her behavior and we have not seen her since. 6 months ago he spoke to her on the phone, trying to inform the children of a death in the family, and she cussed him out and accused him of abuse and trying to get her mom in trouble. Recently the 10 yr old has started becoming hostile as well.
The legal situation is ongoing but very favorable that the children may be placed with us permanently soon and we have a psychologist we want to take them to.

I hate to say it but I'm terrified of how the children will react and how to cope myself.

Thumper's picture

Are you married..........


IF you are, MOVE OUT.

Sorry----you must protect yourself first.

Hope kids get the help they need. Sounds like there are HUGE problems.



SteppedOut's picture

Oooft. Well, since it doesn't sound like you are ready to leave your husband if he gets custody, bookmark this site, you will need it. 

lieutenant_dad's picture

Nanny cams in common areas of the house. Your DH doesn't leave you alone with the kids; he takes on ALL parenting responsibilities. Don't talk to them in rooms where doors can be closed. Nail BM's arse to the wall with contempt chargea every time she says/does/breathes in a way that helps alienate the kids.

My hope for you is that once they're out and get help, they'll revert back to being decent kids. 

This all assumes your DH actually gets custody. If he does, you two also needs a therapist (individual and couples) to help you navigate through this. Find one skilled in dealing with blended families.

justmakingthebest's picture

This all sounds like some major alienation has taken place. The light switch flip of loving and wanting to be close and then getting into a HCBM's clutches and suddenly she hates you and lies about abuse... it is a scary situation.

If you do get custody or if she does start coming over regularly, be prepared for hostility but also you might find that without BM in her ear always trashing dad- she might be fine after a few days. This is one of those hope for the best but prepare for the worst situations. 

Only one thing is certain though, and that is YOU will be the bad guy. You are the outsider and will become the scapegoat for everything when it comes to her behavior. Disengage as much as you and your marriage can handle. Make sure that you are not consumed by the kids and that you are still focusing on your marriage. Kids are the first responsibility but your marriage needs to remain your #1 priority. 

RisingtheWave80's picture

We are in the middle or beginning perhaps of re-unification and have found that the few hours a week we see our SD14, her mother is texting her NON-STOP and no matter what we say it changes nothing. We have tried to remove the phone but SD will then cry bloody murder and threaten us that she will call the cops and tell them she was abused. It's a tough road with alientation but the best thing is for the kids NOT to be with the alienating parent

tog redux's picture

Yeah, this sounds like alienation - what makes you think they will flip custody, OP?

MeDee's picture

Well, there have been hearings for about eight months, three months ago the magistrate found her in contempt of the court ordered visitation schedule and recommended that the father be given about 3 1/2 months of make up time.

She openly admitted in court that she intentionally kept the children from their father because she thought the visitation schedule was unfair and that she would not encourage the children to participate in visitation because the oldest daughter is bigger than she is. 
Since this ruling she has restricted contact with the children even more And has used the legal system to delay further intervention.
The attorneys are meeting with the judge next week To discuss several other emotions that my partner has filed because of the ongoing situation as well as previous years that he has documentation for her refusing him time with the children.