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Respect of property

over step's picture

I'm a SM of SD14 who lives 4 hours away and is here every other weekend and a couple weeks a month during the summer. SD took my saying "you can use the laptop any time" to mean all the time and in her room. This laptop was actually a gift to me that I put on a desk in a communal area for the my DH, SD, and myself to use instead of running cable to the area for internet access(my mistake). My DH does not say much to SD in regards to this being for the family and should not be hogged by one person. It now appears that SD is under the impression that the laptop is her's as it is rarely on the desk for any one else to use and I have been forced to let her know when I will need to use MY laptop. Her track record with electronics is not good as she can destroy something within 6 months. My thoughts are turning to taking back control of my property since my DH will not make his DD respect me by respecting my laptop. I am also toying with embracing the disengage technique as this is not the only thing or time my property, thus myself, has been disrespected. I have talked to my DH til turning blue in the face with his only response being "I don't know what to do." Not my child. Not my problem. Time to put your big boy pants on and figure it out all by yourself. Am I right?

stepford mom's picture

Yes you are more than right. You don't have to share something you bought with his child. It's your choice and if she is violating the terms then take back the laptop and hide it. Your husband can buy her a laptop.
My husband thinks nothing of having his kids use and take things that are mine. I am more than fed up. I have explained until I am blue in the face. We are in counseling and nothing impresses upon him that what's mine is not his to give to his kids. I am ready to file for divorce actually because nothing I say is respected.

Newstep's picture

Totally agree with Echo!!!! We have a desktop in the living room. SO and I each have laptops mine is in my studio SO's is next to his chair. SD has NO access to either of them. If she needs a computer she uses the desktop.

She tried to whine and cry about "needing" a laptop for school. Even saying since I had an ipad she should get my laptop because it wasn't fair. That went over well. }:)

Rags's picture

Nope, you are not right. Your laptop YOU deal with it. Rather than ignoring SD taking your laptop and then letting it fester and piss you off inform her that the laptop stays on the designated desk and she can use it there or better yet, she has to ask you each and every time she wants to use it.

Your property, your responsibility to define and enforce its use.

You told SD that she could use the laptop any time and now you are having an issue with how she is using it and you are not directly addressing it with her. Step up, be the adult.

Neither your DH nor your Skid can read your mind.

Orange County Ca's picture

Let's make it 100%. Take it back, put a password on its use and then she uses it only in a very public place AND you walk behind her at irregular times during the hour a day she has control of it. Google (create password Windows 7) for help.

An easy password to remember is an object in the room (I use the subject of a picture my brother painted (ArtsFarmShed) or your mothers middle name.

over step's picture

I really appreciate all of these comments and advice. I guess what I'm trying to get is my DH's respect as well and know that if SD is disrespecting me she's disrespecting him too. I'm pretty sure that SD is purposely pushing it because she can. I've been made to feel that I'm overreacting and out of line that I've given up and stopped saying anything directly to SD. My DH is very aware of how I feel as I am venting to him all the time. All he does is make excuses and tell me how rough she has it with BM. That's not fair to me. Remember me? Your wife? I have decided to take back my laptop and put the desktop back on the desk. I'm going to begin disengaging as I see now that DH was wanting me to come in and raise his child because he wants to be the good guy in his DD's eyes. His ex did it. His mom does it. I'm not going to do it. For my sanity and my well being.

CantKeepDoingThis's picture

6-months? Your SD is better on electronics than mine! There hasn't been a phone, iPod, tablet, or laptop in her possession that lasted more than 3 months!

You know, when BD23 was younger, someone sent me an Ann Landers column that was the "Toddlers Creed". It was stuff like, "If I ever looked at it, it's mine"..."If I ever had it, and I gave it back to you, it is still mine". It seems that teens these days are living by this philosophy!!! We have the same problem with SD15!!! If I get a special treat for DH (cookies or chocolate) and he tells SD15 she can have some at that moment, she thinks that means she can help herself to the treat whenever she wants, and she will have it gone in a day or two...leaving DH with only the couple of squares of chocolate or couple of cookies he got when he first opened the package. I had a portable DVD player. ONCE SD15 was told she could watch a movie in her room when she wasn't feeling well (this was some 4 years ago). Well, she took this to mean she could use the DVD player whenever she wanted!! When I called her on it..."Um, just because you are told you can use something once...doesn't mean that it is yours to use all the time...you need to ask before using it again!"...I got huge attitude from her...like how dare I take back something that was given to her (wasn't given to her, but in her mind, it was). I later found it broken when I went to use it!

I can so relate to your situation! SD15 disrespects DH all the time. She disrespects me, as well, and DH never comes to my defense, but like in your case, makes excuses for SD15..."She doesn't know"..."She's not feeling well"..."It may be that time of the month". Yes, he has actually used that last one to excuse away SD15's terrible behavior toward the people in this house! I swear he forgot to get his balls back in the divorce, and BM gave them to SD15 as a "coming of age" present!

over step's picture

So I go into SD room to turn off the fan running in the window to find a pair of my underwear and shorts laying on her floor and then another pair of my underwear in her hamper. I believe we will be having a "come to Jesus" discussion tonight.

CantKeepDoingThis's picture

Stealing your underwear? Oh, that's just...creepy, for lack of a better word!

We have a lock on our bedroom door, and if we leave the house with SD15 still home (though we try to avoid it, but sometimes I have to leave before DH gets home), that door gets locked. I'm more concerned about my makeup than my underwear, but you get the idea. I don't want SD15 rummaging around my things while I'm not home. And I've already told DH that I'm putting a lock on BS19's door when he leaves for college. I don't want her going into his room trying to "claim" things for herself! It is still his stuff even if he can't take it all to college with him!

coping's picture

It's not hers. She can use it with the house rules you all have. If she removes in anyway, turn off the wireless.