No enforcement
The other day, my DH has taken SS13 to the doctor. On the way home, SS13 is getting texts from SD17 with photos of the toilet where he peed on the seat and a dirty dish he left in the living. Now keep in mind this was at BM’s house. DH goes inside to see SD17 & SD15, who was also participating in sending her brother texts, and tells them to cut it out. They continue to bully him front of DH to the point that SS13 is so upset and angry he put his elbow through the wall. DH brought SS back to our house to calm down before he went to work. SS has called BM in the meantime hysterical and crying because of what his sisters were doing to him. Her response to SS was “I don’t have time for you right now.”
i was so proud of DH and BM as they actually sat down together and wrote out rules for both houses, that were identical, and punishments for behaviors. They included losing the phone for 24 hours plus no car/TV/computer usuals for the same timeframe. DH inforced the punishments on two occasions. BM has done nothing.
Im in the process of disengaging, especially since this didn’t happen at my house. So I stayed out it it, didn’t offer suggestions to DH, etc. I came to find out that neither DH or BM did anything to SD15 & SD17. SD17 went so far as to tell FH “there’s nothing you can do about it because this isn’t your house!” No punishment what so ever for the bullying.
To me, BM should have done something when she got home from work. But DH should have taken action right then and there. He is so afraid of being the “bad parent” nothing is enforced. No chores, no punishment, nothing.
Part of the rules that DH & BM set up was a chore chart. The board is still sitting in our kitchen blank. I’m so torn between laying into DH and telling him to go find husband balls and letting it go.
HUh?
Maybe I do not understand but SS13 is a slob and you want to punish the kids who complain? Maybe they took it to far, but that happens when parents do not lay down rues.
Perhaps I didn’t explain
Perhaps I didn’t explain myself well. My apologies. They are all slobs. They all leave dishes everywhere. I cleaned up a dish SD17 leave in our sink that same day. My point of this is that they were ALL in the wrong. But to answer your question, no, I don’t want the ones who complained punished because they complained. They went about it the wrong way and should have directed the photos to their mother, not their brother. The fact of the matter is that, in front of HD, SD17 & SD15 bullied SS13 to the point that he was in tears. They called him retarded and autistic. Told him he smelled bad and was gross, etc.
Toilet seat far worse than dishes.
Is he SN? Becuase the toilet seat pee is FAR worse. NO ONE should have to deal with that.
I don’t know what SN means.
I don’t know what SN means.
Sorry, specia needs
Special Needs
No
No
Personally
if it were my teenage son who peed on the toilet and left dirty dishes out I would have said to him "Child, when you get into the house clean up your mess and apologize to your sisters." Is there a reason that one, he isn't expected to clean up after himself or get a ribbing when he doesn't and two, is allowed to act like a small child throwing a fit when he is called out on his behavior?
Why is this boy crying? He left a mess including urine on a toilet seat. In my word when your older siblings call you out on something you did it isn't bullying.
I realize I sound harsh but honestly the 13 year old sounds pretty bratty and a little disgusting. Most boys know to wipe the seat by the time they are five or six.
As I replied to the comment
As I replied to the comment above, this was more than calling out their brother for being a gross little kid. This was calling him retarded and autistic. That he was gross and he smelled. All in front of DH. My anger isn’t more at HD because he did NOTHING. He essentially reiterated SD17’s attitude that he can’t do anything because they are at BM’s house.
This is why, at least in our
This is why, at least in our case, we don’t get involved in what goes on at BM’s house. Her house. Her mess. Her rules (or lack of). And her consequences (definite lack of). Our home runs the way we want it.
If they did it in front of DH
If they did it in front of DH, he most certainly can punish them no matter where the SDs are located and no matter whose house they're at. In fact, I'd expect DH to punish more than I'd expect BM to do so, because DH was the one who witnessed the objectionable behavior.
That said, I'm not seeing what was so bad that it had SS in tears. IS he delayed? Is he autistic? If so, then the girls should go easier on him. But sending him pictures of the mess he made doesn't seem like a big deal. Better they sent them to him than ratted him out to BM by sending them to her. This sounds like normal sibling behavior to me, and SS sounds a little too sensitive (unless, of course, he does have special needs).
He doesn’t have special needs
He doesn’t have special needs. What had him tears wasn’t the photos but the way they were bullying him. Two against one, calling him retarded and autistic. Telling him he was gross and he smelled. My real issue is with DH not doing ANYTHING. I understand it was BM’s house but he was the adult and only parent there. His lack of punishment has only enforced to SD15 & SD17 that their behavior is acceptable and there are no consequences for their actions. Which carries over to our house. I don’t get involved unless it is directed at me, they are tearing up the house I pay for or something that is mine. But I find bulking and their actions completely unacceptable.
Interesting. So the SD’s
Interesting. So the SD’s should be punished for texting pics of pee on the toilet seat and a mess left by a 13yo?
Public humiliation is a great motivator for changing behavior. If he doesn’t want his sisters giving him crap about not controlling his wiz or his dirty dishes he can fix it by lifting the lid and washing his dish(es).
If you are Disengaging
Why worried about this. This is not Disengaging, Why would you care what happens between SK, They will work it out at some point. Trying to play referee between kids, never works out. It becomes a game with score cards. Three no dishwasher, equal one pee somewhere ??
What you are doing is the opposite of Disengaging. Your are looking like the SM who has to be involved in BM house and kids. The ones who then say, I don’t know why BM doesn’t like me. I just always interfere in BM house and she takes it the wrong way !
Everyone should be getting in
Everyone should be getting in trouble - the SDs for using very inappropriate language when referring to their brother, and SS for leaving his mess at home.
My guess is that the girls were upset that SS wasn't held accountable, so they took matters into their own juvenile hands. They know there is no punishment (they even told DH as such), so they are ruling over with an iron fist that matches their teenage personality.
Siblings can be cruel to one another. Without either parent stepping in and correcting the behavior, it will continue. But all because they made SS cry doesn't mean he is without fault.