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New here-Help SD19 is ruining my marriage

plzstepback's picture

Lets start with tomorrow is my 40th Birthday and my husband is not speaking to me or my BD14. Last week my BD14 school class went on a field trip to a local University. My BD14 did not get to go because she had a class that she could not miss. The University that the school toured is the same University that my SD19 attends. Apparently some girls in my daughters class confronted her on thier return and told her that some "older girl student" recognized their school shirts and confronted them. She asked if they were from my daughters school and if the girls knew my daughter. They said yes that they knew her. This college student who is soon to be 20 yrs of age then proceeded to go on a rant about "how selfish" and "how spoiled" my daughter is. She then called her names and accused her of "stealing her dad from her and turning him against her". Yep you guessed it! This girl was SD19. She told anyone who would listen about how even my 14 yr old is. The girls were freaked out and told my daughter when they got back. I heard the story and immediately called the school and inforrmed the teacher as to what had happened. She didnt know anything about it and was very disturbed. I told DH when he got home from work and he was clearly angry. Now today he says that he spoke to SD19 and she denied the entire thing. She said those girls just picked her at random out of the thousands on that campus and they trashed my daughter and not the other way around. My problem with that is..these girls did not know my daughter has a step-sister, that she goes to that University and they sure didnt know about her daddy issues. Well DH is taking her side and is not speaking to me or my daughter. My birthday is tomorrow and our 6th wedding anniversary is Sunday and he isnt speaking to us at all. He finrmly believes this crazy story of Sd19. She has done crazy stuff like this for years and he has always called her on it. Why turn a blind eye now? Im so mad and sad. My daughter is caught in the middle of this fight and she didnt do anything wrong. He is giving her the silent treatment too and she has been calling him dad since she was 8. Im so hurt. Please help!

Most Evil's picture

OMG I would throw a huge fit and tell him that he is being a gigantic ass and he knows damn well what happened and that he isn't fooling Anyone, Lying for his kid, really???!!!!!

Call him out on all this, every aspect of how he is being a lying tool to his wife and his little daughter, who calls him dad - make him feel bad!!!!!!! He owes you and your daughter the hugest apology ever. I am sorry honey. Sad

emotionaly beat up's picture

If your husband is so sure his precious daughter is innocent then get him to go to BD school and talk to the teachers as to what really happened. Then I guess he won't go because he does know what happened. He is not talking to you not because of what happened, but because his daughter got caught out and he doesn't like it.

Sorry, but from experience this never ends.

You can only tell him you do not appreciate how he has handled this and he needs to get both sides of the story, so check with the school. If x number of girls tell the teacher the same story and his daughter has a different version, given that they knew nothing about the SD and the odds of them picking her out on campus are zilch, I guess he knows that himself and he just wants to stick his head in the sand about it. Hope things get better at home for your daughter and you really do need to tell him to pull his head in over that one, she is at a rotten age to be disowned by the man she calls dad and that is what he is doing. Poor kid.

giveitago's picture

I'd take my daughter out somewhere fantastic to celebrate a 'girl' day for your birthday, let him wonder where you are! He really does need to make the first move, by way of apology, more importantly to BD,to even begin to fix this. I am not minimising your needs, by any means, the vendetta was against BD and I imagine he heard negative stuff just one time too many and went into denial. You said he's called SD on stuff before, so he's not a total ass then...right? I agree with emotionallybeatup that he should have listened to both sides, FULLY, and then taken an appropriate course of action.
If I were you I'd not make you birthday an issue with him right now, by the time it comes around he may well have done some thinking. The focus is on BD, right? How unfairly she is being treated, how you can tolerate being ignored but the impact on a child is not good at all. Communicating when you are angry is not helpful, I know this! I try hard to just leave it be until I cool my heels a little. Sometimes the least said the soonest mended.
If SD has rivalry issues with BD, it's understandable to a degree that SD's nose might be out of joint but to publicly humiliate BD was very wrong of her and I think, maybe, I hope, that he will come to see this and talk to SD about having a more mature attitude. SD is really the one who owes BD the apology, in my opinion. I'd also suggest to BD that her friends probably do not believe all they heard anyhow. At 14 she's really just beginning to find her identity and it's important to have harmony at home if nowhere else, right? By not speaking to both of you he is making a statement of some sort, silently! It could be that he really does not want to become involved in 'girl' fights? You know that teenage girls can often be REAL bitches at the best of times, right?
Maybe he's hoping it will just get swept under the rug?
Just because he is not 'speaking' does not mean he is not thinking, right? He might just have a pride issue at the moment and not want to apologize? I'd suggest that you and BD go about your usual business with smiles, fake it if you have to...I found just the idea of my faking a smile one day amused me and before I knew it my smile was real. Let him see that it's him who has the issues and misplaced loyalty, and he needs to make amends.

duct_tape's picture

This, this, this ^^^^^ a hundred times. Let your daughter know that you are right, he is wrong. Display that attitude by not letting him ruin your moment, your day, your birthday or any day. Demonstrate to her how to handle this situation. She is learning how to be a wife, what to TOLERATE in a man by watching you. Always always keep that in the front of your mind and you will be able to handle so much more.

alwaysanxious's picture

What a whiney immature manipulative bitch! DH is an ass. I would NOT back down on this one. Fine f*cker, don't talk to me. More peace for me. Let him be stupid. Its obvious it was her and she orchestrated it. There is absolutely no way I'd give in on this. You don't need help, he does.

You bet I'd NEVER interact or speak with SD again. If he approaches you, I'd just say go talk to the school and get the girls side of the story. I believe them. It makes no sense that random college students would make a lucky guess about someone having a stepsister. Good luck with your line of thinking though.

duct_tape's picture

One other important question...are you going to let your daughter attend this school? If you do, be prepared for repeat performances of this shit and a long miserable four years for your daughter.

plzstepback's picture

No my daughter is headed in a completely different direction for college. My concern is that the teacher will be having more field trips to this particular university in the future. My daughter would be expected to attend but Im not so sure I will be comfortable with that anymore. I spoke with the teachers and the girls were only unattended for a brief period of time and Sd must have been watching them to seize the exact right moment when the teachers back was turned. This deeply disturbs me. She was basically stalking those girls and she only recognized them by their school pride shirts. My DH still swears that SD did not do anything wrong and the other girls are lying.My BD does not even speak about her SS and we live too far away for anyone to be familiar with SD. The girls said that SD specifically accused my daughter of turning Dh "against her". How could these little girls make up such an accurate lie? Its obvious she did it. The teachers have questioned the girls and gotten the same story. Im not sure how to proceed. Do I call the University? Can they really do anything?Oh and DH is still not speaking to me, he has however written me angry text msg. Funny thing is my Ex husband called and wished me a happy birthday and my current husband hasnt said a word!

beyond pissed-off's picture

Off topic but good for you having a good relationship with your ex-husband. I hope very much that your friendship continues. I recently lost my ex-husband to a heart attack at age 47 and I will be forever grateful that we had remained friends. We were even texting to say Happy Thanksgiving just a few hours before he died. Just because the marriage ends does not mean that they are not still part of our lives. I still loved him very much as a dear friend and will miss him forever.

mammyack's picture

It's probably not going to do any good to call the University and if you do, it'll only look like revenge on your end and I definitely wouldn't stoop to SD's level. I'd just let it go and as a parent, you have the right to withhold your daughter from ever visiting that University again, if you so choose. Field trips are optional and as a parent, you have the right to "opt" your child out. I too deal with the same crap at my house, everything the SD says is gold...she's basically a female Jesus in our house when she's quite creepy actually; the way my DH worships the ground she walks on. She only visits once a year and now that she graduates high school this year, it'll probably be a shorter visit instead of a month and a half solid...thank goodness. But one week is seriously too long when it turns our house upside down. Hang in there...and maybe you should take a long weekend with you and your BD for your'll either make him think about what he did or it won't affect him at all. And if it doesn't affect him at all, then he's honestly not worth hangin' around for. When you marry, you're supposed to put each other first, just below God and if he's siding with his BD on these matters, he's not fulfilling his vows.

And I'd have a little talk with SD and let her know that YOU do know what happened and she's not pulling the wool over your eyes like she does her father's. And if anything bad ever becomes of you and your DH, it certainly has nothing to do with her having the power to make you guys divorce, but rather she empowered you to stand up for what is right in not allowing a man or his BD disrespect you or your BD. And let her know that she'll be the one to suffer in the long run because no respectable,potential husband of her own, would ever put up with the same treatment she gives her father. (lying, manipulating,using etc.) That's the conversation I'm going to have with my SD very soon.

Good luck!

plzstepback's picture

Thanks so much. Yours is the best advice I have heard by far. I sad DH down and we had a long talk and he says he feels like such a fool for beleiving SD. He apologized and says that our talk has really opened his eyes and he feels terrible for ruining my Bday. Tomorrow is our 6th anniversary and we are gonna go out to dinner with family and friends. he plans on confronting Sd soon about a lot of issues that have been bothering us both. Its time to take the power back and live our lives and respect our vows. We promised that "no one would come between us" and that means SD included. Thanks again for your kind words!

beyond pissed-off's picture

So very glad you worked things out and your DH realized what was true. I continue to be shocked and amazed at the power children have over their guilty fathers! Good for your DH that he broke the spell.

plzstepback's picture

Big Update! Well we celebrated our 6th anniversary over the wknd. I guess SD found out and was shocked that we arent headed to a lawyer for a divorce. She verbally attacked her DH and has blown up his phone with vile angry text messages. I guess he finally told her to go seek professional help because her feelings arent natural and neither is her behaviour. He apologized to me and my daughter. He said he now knows that she did all that she has been accused of and more. I guess he told her that he isnt going to talk to her anymore until she seeks help. He even picked up some pamplets at work on counseling in our insurance network. Finally!