New here, had to turn somewhere, I'm getting really depressed!
I've been with my DH for over 5 years, married for a little less than 1. I currently have 2 stepsons and no biological children. My stepsons are 16 & 19 years old. My DHs ex-wife is literally psychotic. We went to court again with her 4 weeks ago for a bunch of things, but to also ask for a guardian ad-litem for the 16 year old, since it's too late for the 19 year old.
This woman (the ex) is evil. She is doing everything she can to get back at my DH, through the kids. She keeps them from working, driving, etc, all so she can keep controlling my husband. She controls pick up and drop off times and won't let anyone else pick them up but him. She does not put the kids best interests first, only her bitterness over the divorce and her retribution to her ex-husband.
I had a great relationship with the kids, but she's turning them against me. She tells them that I am not their mother and have no right to tell them what to do. She is referring to things happening in OUR home, like cleaning their room, or cleaning up a mess or helping contribute to household responsibilities. According to her I'm not allowed to tell them those things. That is such bull.
She has effectively enabled them to be lazy, unambitious, ignorant, and she's beaten them down so much, they have no idea how smart, or capable they can be. They have no self-esteem, no sense of self worth, no drive, no ambition. DH tries to talk to them about things like if they want to get their license or a job, then he'll talk to their mother, but they say yes to him and then no to her. So DH ends up fighting her for something they won't even ask for or admit that they want to her. Its a useless fight.
I used to live in my own townhouse, have my own cozy easy life, now it's in chaos all the time, and some days I wish I could just pack up my stuff and go back to my condo (which I still own,but have tenants) and live there for the next 1.5 years until the youngest is out of HS. I'm sure his ex would love that, to think she won and drove us apart.
This is all just so stressful on us, me, our marriage and our relationship with the kids.
Both my husband and I are very driven people. We both put ourselves through college, both have good jobs, do lots of fun things, always on the go, with the kids too. Their mother has been in the same dead end job since she graduated HS (she's 47 now), never went to college, is afraid to drive outside of a 25 mile radius from her home and does not do many activities with the kids aside from fruit picking and jam making, batting cages or driving range in their town. IT shows in the kids too because both kids are nervous and anxious when we take them too far away from their hometown. So we are even limited on what we can do with them because she instilled fear of adventure in them.
The 19 year old was going to join the military, but his mother beat it so much that he didn't and now he's doing nothing. He is into drugs, drinking, he barely works, he got into a car accident and totaled his car and now he walks everywhere when his mom can't drive him around, hes super clingy with his girlfriend and has no identity of his own. We never see him anymore. She took a GOOD plan he had for himself and beat it down and now he's just bumming around with no direction in his life. All because she wants to control him, control my ex through him, that's not someone who is all about their kids, is it? We are hoping to stop her from derailing the 16 year old's dreams of joining the military and becoming a dentist.
I am sad for the kids, I am sad for my DH and I am sad for myself. I know there is only 1.5 years left of the absolute craziness, but I am feeling already at the end of my rope after the last year and half (when we got engaged) when she went off the really deep end.
Hi, I am new myself. You've
Hi, I am new myself. You've come to the right place for advice or just to vent. I'm currently "in the trenches" myself so I don't have a lot of great advice other than to make sure you put your marriage first and don't turn on each other. Everyone here knows how you feel. For me just finding this place and learning that I am not alone has been very helpful.
Last night the 16 yo wanted
Last night the 16 yo wanted to stay at his mother's house until 6, which used to be the pickup time, but DH was going to pick him up at 5. He didn't want to come so he called his Dad. DH could hear the noise of dishes being put away out of the dishwasher in the background. His ex was listening to his son tell his dad that he didn't want to come until 6 because he wanted to sit in the basement at his mother's house and watch TV because that's his thing, that's what he does. AT our house, he would be unloading the dishwasher (helping out in OUR house), while we make dinner and all talking about school, or anything he wanted to talk about. His mother does not interact with them like that. For him, it's easier to be at his moms house playing video games alone, then to come to his Dads house and have an actual conversation with people. His mother condones this. That's just not normal to me.
Many years ago my DH and I realized that my stepson could not handle caffeine, coffee or soda. We kind of stopped buying it and told him that its not good for him. He was wild and was still throwing tantrums at age 10, 11, 12, like a 2 year old. Now that he's older, when he has caffeine he can't formulate sentences, you can't have a conversation with him. Caffeine is clearly an issue with him and his concentration, so we still veer away from it. No one in the house drinks soda, we don't even buy it, but we do have coffee in the house, but he never asks for it. Yesterday he told his Dad we treat him like a kid not letting him have soda but he does at his moms and he's fine. Of course he thinks he's fine, but shouldn't she notice the changes in him after he drinks caffeine? Shouldn't she tell him that those are the rules at our house and he needs to follow them? This kid has a tendency to put on weight and she told DH that he needs to lose weight according to the doctor. So no reason to reintroduce soda back into our house, nor do we stock chips, sweets or other fattening things. But his mother does. So hes mad at us for not letting him have soda, suddenly after 5 years of not having it and being fine with it. He says we treat him like a kid, mind you he said all this during a full blow temper tantrum from a 16 year old boy. He IS a kid. He tells us he wants to work and now tells us he does not because once he does he won't be a kid anymore. I'm so confused by his messages, but he's confused by what he wants because what his Dad tried to do his mom just undermines it and makes his Dad out to be the bad guy forcing him to do things he does not want to do.
How much has changed since
How much has changed since you have been married?!
Sooooo much! She was hard
Sooooo much! She was hard and heavy when we started dating for about a year. Then she mellowed for a couple years, then we got engaged and she turned it up again. After we got married she settled down again, and then about 3 months after we got married she went off the deep end. One son graduated high school, and has been troubled (thanks to her controlling issues) and child support was supposed to cut because that was in the divorce decree, but they had to agree and she told him she would not agree on anything w/o going to court, then she started telling him he could not have the kids on ANY long holiday weekend and started picking them up from our house. She just got worse and worse, DH filed contempt of court in Sept, and we got a court date of January. She didn't know until 10 days before the court date, and he was just able to pile up evidence of her emails, texts and voice mails trying to control him through the kids.
She has a live in boyfriend for longer than DH & I have been together. This guy moved in mere weeks after their divorce, when DH was trying to still move his stuff out of their house. So it's not like shes alone when the kids are not there. Also, one reason he wanted a divorce was she was a very uninvolved parent, constantly yelling at the kids, and never wanting to leave the house. I've heard horror stories of her 'parenting skills' from DH's family, including his mother who used to go to his house during the day when he was at work and she was home with the kids to make sure they were fed and had clean diapers on. Suddenly after the divorce she's ALLLLLLL about the kids, and tells DH, at least I do things with them, implying we don't, and we are always doing something with them.
Our BM went off the deep end
Our BM went off the deep end as well when we got engaged. My advice to you on the courth thing, is unless the kid completely wants to live with you, you will end up spending a lot of money for nothing. We spent over 10K and SD16 is with BM full time. We gave up. We did get SS14 after that, because he wanted to live with DH and not deal with BM. You need to disengage and not care so much, it only ends up bitting you in the butt in the end....
Your BM sounds like
Your BM sounds like ours...completely control freak. The only way ANY of us (me, DH, skids, my own son) got any peace was to let them go, unfortunately.
We tried fighting her in court...just for her to get a slap on the wrist and admonishment from the judge that she'd "better not do it again!" This would change things for about 2-3 months and then she'd be back to her old crap. We couldn't bankrupt our family for the sake of a vindictive ex.
The skids are PASed now...maybe not SS so much but it is just easier on everyone involved if they pretend they don't have a father and don't come to see him. Very sad but it is reality.....until and unless the family court system gets overhauled.
Luckily, my DH's child support (or "young adult support" as he calls it) ends in May. WOOHOO One less link to craziness and drama.
UGH! I'm sorry your DH does
UGH! I'm sorry your DH does not have a relationship with his kids, that must hurt him immensely!
I don't mind the child support money that my DH pays, that does not really bother me at all, it will be nice someday to not have to pay it to her (since the kids don't get it directly) but that's not an issue, but it ends in less than 1.5 years YAY!!! Its the link as you said that will be broken!
Yes his ex has been 'slapped on the wrist' by the courts, but nothing happens, she calms for a month or two and then is back at it. I'd rather have had the kids full time all the time, 7 days a week and be responsible for every aspect of their lives as they grew up than to share them with this nut and have physical downtime (there is NEVER mental or emotional downtime with her)