Ever hear of PAS, Parental Alienation Syndrome?
I truly believe that this is the situation going on with my DH's ex. She got their oldest son first and now she's working on the youngest. We have no way to fight it except to tell him we care about him, show him we care, communicate with him and always be available to him, show up for pick ups, even if he does not want to go. This is all in the hopes that we can keep a LITTLE part of him knowing that his mother is not right and that his father and I love him. A tiny spark in him, that someday when he's older and moved away from his mother, he will know that we were always there for him and that maybe MAYBE his mom was wrong in things she said & did.
These are things that happen with the kids that we have had to deal with first hand, and all signs that you are dealing with an ex-spouse with PAS.
- Frivolous reasons are often given for not wanting to be with the alienated parent. Even when told that if these frivolous reasons were removed the child will often claim they do not wish to be with that parent under any circumstances.
- The child is encouraged to be with friends or play on video games in preference to being with the alienated parent.
- The child denigrates the alienated parent with foul language and severe oppositional behavior.
- The child offers weak, absurd, or frivolous reasons for his or her anger.
- The child is sure of himself or herself and doesn't demonstrate ambivalence, i.e. love and hate for the alienated parent, only hate.
- The child exhorts that he or she alone came up with ideas of denigration. The "independent-thinker" phenomenon is where the child asserts that no one told him to do this.
- The child supports and feels a need to protect the alienating parent.
- The child does not demonstrate guilt over cruelty towards the alienated parent.
- The child uses borrowed scenarios, or vividly describes situations that he or she could not have experienced.
- Animosity is spread to the friends and/or extended family of the alienated parent.
Has anyone ever dealt with this? How did you overcome it and have a better relationship with your stepchild despite the other parent alienating you? We are desperate. We are hurt, angry, upset, confused and have NO idea how to handle this. Its very heartbreaking for my DH when he works so hard to have a good relationship with both of his kids.
Yes. I have heard of it. Yes
Yes. I have heard of it. Yes it is real. We have lived through it.
It is horrible and should be classified as CHILD ABUSE.
No child should have to choose which parent they love more. Or be made to shun one parent because of the other parent's adult issues.
Thank you for sharing your
Thank you for sharing your story, keekeedee. It gives me hope. Ironically, i also had experience with PAS as a child, and now again as a SM. It is heart-breaking to witness. I am very happy for you, and can only hope that my skids will see the light of day some time... soon.
What was the trigger that made you see alienation for what it was?
For me it was separating and individuating in my 20s, i guess...
understanding that i was a separate person whose interests did not always coincide with my mother's.
There is a difference between
There is a difference between Parental Alienation and Parental Alienation Syndrome. You may want to explore it. PAS was put forth by Richard A. Gardner and is a VERY controversial issue w/in psychiatric and legal circles. I would suggest doing some research into the differences (as well as Dr Gardner) before claiming PAS vs PA in court.
The best thing I learned to
The best thing I learned to do was not to dignify PAS from the SKids...it was rife! Eventually SD did tell me what her mother and her (then) husband told her to call me...I laughed! Since then I've come up with better names, or said 'that's lame' or come up with other things to say, and it became a standing joke. I flat out refused to let it show if I was upset by any of it. Getting upset by stuff like that was my first mistake with SKids actually, little phukking vultures! It was BM doing it all, by her own admission she's done some horrible things to people.
Read this:
Read this: http://www.steptalk.org/node/112376
(Bravo, Canadian Court!)
Here is a link for the actual case:
http://www.canlii.org/en/on/onsc/doc/2009/2009canlii943/2009canlii943.html
It is a fascinating story. The expert who testified in that case quoted Amy Baker's work.
Amy Baker's Adult Children of PAS: http://www.amyjlbaker.com/
Amy Baker is amazing, and very easy to talk to. She does coaching for PAS families.
Her workshops are very worth-while.
Just as keekeedee, i had experience with PAS as a child,
and now again as a SM. It is poisonous and very hard to counteract.
Good luck!
I am doing a lot of reading
I am doing a lot of reading on the subject and its like reading our life.
Some of the things we used to say to the kids are exactly the responses of a parent who feels alienated and knows the other parent is manipulating the kids. The kids say phrases that they shouldn't have any concept of, they knows parts of the divorce decree and parenting plan, they both DH & his ex said they would never share with the kids. She makes false promises to the kids, bribes them with things they want or like (even if it's not good for them) to keep them at her house.
Whats makes this so hard is DH feels like crap and I have a hard time to support him while he fights for a relationship with his kids, because I am not attached to them and honestly our life is so much easier when they don't come over. No rides, no messes, no smelliness, no stupid tv shows, no limitations on what we can plan or not, no houseful of kids sleeping over, eating everything, leaving messes and leaving it all for us to clean up. Plus they are miserable, hormonal, angry teens. They totally know how to bring down the mood in a house in 5 seconds flat. Everything is less chaotic without them around. I know their mother influences how they behave even at our house, and that is probably why they act the way they do. I can't personally understand why she does not want a break or cherish her nights/days when they are not there. Who wants their kids around 24/7 honestly? Most people I know need or want a break!