New here and at the end of my rope
Dh and I have been married for 11 years. We have 2 kids together and we have DS who is 16 and a nightmare.
Long story short, DH got custody of DS in July. DS's counselor convinced BM to give up custody so she could work on her 'mental health issues'. DH thought this was a good thing. We could get DS through school (he's in the lowest 1% of his class and no chance of graduating on time) and help him with his behavior issues. I was skeptical, but I love DH and felt I had to try it for his sake. Prior to DS moving in (with intermittent problems with DS in between), DH and I got along great.
It is not going well with DS. His behavior is not just belligerent and disrespectful, it borders on violent. I have a shattered bathroom mirror and print screens of him joking to his friend about killing his dad and SM while we're sleeping. He swears at me in front of my kids and 2 weeks ago he threatened to teach my dog a lesson. I am sometimes very afraid of him. I told DH that he could no longer go for 'guy' time on weekends - not even for a few hours as long as DS was home. I will not be left home alone with him. I also told DH that he needs to listen to the counselor and get the county mental health worker back involved again.
It erupted into a huge argument. Apparently, I'm being a baby, I'm negative, constantly bashing DS, seem to 'hate' the kid, and I need to lighten up.
DS needs help. He has Emotional Behavioral Disorder as well as Oppositional Defiance Disorder and ADHD. I think he also is very depressed and possibly bi-polar. Brushing it all under the rug does not help him! I'm constantly waiting for the other shoe to drop and trying to shield my two boys from DS. I'm living in Hell.
I'm glad I found this forum. Reading through, I don't feel quite as alone. I can't really talk to family or friends about the situation. I just know when I get in the car every morning to go to work and take my boys to school, I want to keep on driving as far away as I can get.
I sometimes wonder how much blame I would get from family and friends if I just took my boys and bailed on the whole thing. I'm trying to not act impulsively, but really think through the idea of leaving.
If anyone else is in a similar situation, please tell me how you cope. How do you know when it's time to throw in the towel?
I feel for you; i have same
I feel for you; i have same mental problems with my SD>>she is horribly manipulative and hates me because i call her out on it. She has pitted her parents against each other and when her mother left her..she was forced to move in with her dad...then i came into the picture. I have helped her in more ways than i care to try and explain! She had turned 18 and just thinks the world revolves around her and there should be no rules. Its a very trying situation..especially when we have no problems in our relationship..other than her. and its his daughter so i feel compelled to try...but it gets harder and harder everyday...
I am in a similar situation,
I am in a similar situation, but with SS16’s Asperger’s. For years this kid acted really off the way, to be honest the kid is F’ing weird. The kid was doing all kinds of weird shit, DH never saw or pushed it off as being a kid. I knew damn well that there was something wrong with the kid, but I was being told that the kid was normal. For years, I dealt with thing…it made me stress out to no end. I just to talk to my mom about it, but she passed away (it will be 3 years in Jan)….after that I felt all alone. The stress of dealing with this child after my mom passed really took a toll on me….no one but a mom listens . There were a lot of things going on….so I went to a therapist. We discovered that I do have closure on my parents passing (they passed 3 months apart) and the stressor was the kid.
One this I was able to do was separate the kid from my relationship with DH. I think if I didn’t we would no longer be together.
I commented on your other
I commented on your other post. I also have a BS who *may* have Asperger's. Honestly, yes, he is weird, but his is in a very high functioning kind of way - mainly in a freakish math whiz, "I have a hypothesis about that" kind of way. He has a good sense of humor and has no problem talking to people and making/keeping friends. Mostly, he'd rather be by himself and do math worksheets though. Honestly, BS9 and SS16 are polar opposites of each other. BS9 is a rule follower to the letter, and SS16 thinks it's his purpose in life to break any rule handed to him.
I also knew SS16 had ADHD and nobody would listen and get him help for school... until the school forced it last year. It was either testing or expulsion. The counselor has told me that we're running a teen mental health treatment center out of our home without training, resources, or knowing the real diagnosis. It's a losing battle.
I'm sorry for the loss of your mom. My mom is the only one I've talked to about SS crap and I've only told her 1/2 of it. She would freak if she knew about death threats.
I NEED to separate my marriage from my SS. I just don't know how.
Against DH's wishes, I gave
Against DH's wishes, I gave screen prints to SS's counselor. She talked to law enforcement, but unless DH presses charges, there's nothing she can do - and DH refuses to call the police... "It's just a harmless joke...." yeah, right... I sure hope so...
If I were you I'd go visit
If I were you I'd go visit Mom, Sis, some relatives or best friend and lacking all that I'd move into one of those hotels designed for longer term visitors.
Google "long term residence".
This kid is threatening to kill you and its obvious you'll be of no value in turning the kid around so get out.
If you're not that afraid yet (and I don't know why you would not be) at least get a lock on bedroom and bathroom doors so you have a couple of retreat points. If you want to make a point get a lock for the closet doors in your bedroom so you'll have a inner sanctum so to speak to retreat even further.
If Dad were asking about what to do next I'd tell him a complete and thorough physical exam is first - including a drug screen obviously (and I'd put $20 on the outcome of that). If physically all is in order then psychological help is next.
This is where I have trouble.
This is where I have trouble. DH tells me I'm overreacting and there's nothing for me to be afraid of... I don't know if I'm over reacting or not. Is it normal for a teenager to joke about killing their dad and SM?
DH also tells me I only see the negative in SS. It's damn hard not to when there's so much of it to see.
I think I do need to start looking into options in case I need to get out. Unfortunately, my closest family is 2 1/2 hours away. I've been going there most weekends, but it doesn't help during the week.
He'd throw a fit, maybe tell
He'd throw a fit, maybe tell me if I need to go, to not plan on coming back. He'd regret that and backpedal after a week, but it would be a roller coaster and I'm sure I'd be saddled with accusations of abandoning him.
There's also financial reasons that it would be very tough for me to go on a temporary break - not impossible, but tough. I am going to look at what options I have around here.
He has already damaged
He has already damaged property. He has made threats. What is your gut telling you? I wouldn't worry about "blame" from family and friends. They are not the ones dealing with it. Your DH brushing it under the rug is denial. How will he feel if he comes home and finds you dead?
If you truly believe that SS is capable of that level of violence, then you know the answer.
My gut is telling me that I'm
My gut is telling me that I'm either over reacting and too rigid in my own thinking of what normal/nonviolent behavior is or I am a coward who is more afraid of gossip an in standing up for myself. And I can't make my mind up as to which I am.
We do have code words set up with my boys. If I say one, it means go to their room and shut the door. If I say another, it means go to the neighbor's house immediately. SS's counselor had the foresight to set these up before SS moved in.
About the damaged property... I wasn't home. It was the one and only time DH was afraid. DH called 911. The dispatched had the gall to ask DH what he expected him to do. DH said he needed advice. The dispatcher said, "Be a better father" !!!!! DH left the house and called the counselor who was pissed!!! She said it was what she was waiting for - a way to force SS to get help. We cannot have him put in a hospital without consent of SS16 or a court order. The counselor called the dispatch office and the dispatcher called my husband later that day and apologized. He was reprimanded. It was too late for DH to do anything though.
I have a suggestion. Write
I have a suggestion. Write down/record some of the incidents verbatim and show them to someone you know is level-headed. They can then give you their input. When I was in my last marriage, thinking about a very nice couple I know having the same discussions we had was enough to show me how sick things had gotten. I couldn't picture my friend saying those nasty things to his wife. Sometimes we are isolated, or the frog in the boiling water, and we can't see clearly anymore. I think you are under trauma and that is why you are confused. I remember it well.
I knew when my SS was 5 too.
I knew when my SS was 5 too. He started to really get in trouble at school in first grade. It was the first time a teacher brought up the possibility of ADHD - to which BM and DH went into denial and of course blamed the teachers and school.
A year later, I started having to watch SS around the family dog. He thought it was funny to hurt her. That was my next clue that there was something very wrong with him. Luckily, at that time, he wasn't with us as much.
Push for your ss to be evaluated. I know how it goes about having any say, but for his sake (and yours), try.
if a good friend told you
if a good friend told you that story, what advice would you give her? you would probably tell her to not worry about blame, but to move out, in order to protect her children. above all, it is the most important thing. i can only imagine the frustration you feel, that dh turns his head the other way....mine does the same. its irritating to me, but my safety isnt at risk here. if dh wont do anything about it, leave him a letter telling him that you love him, but you and your children's safety has to be a priority, and youre going to be staying with family until changes are made. it hurts and i'm sorry its happening to you, but be strong. ((hugs))
That is your marital home,
That is your marital home, you should have an equal say over what happens under your roof. Your husband owes you huge amounts of appreciation and support for agreeing to have a child with serious behavioural issues under that roof. If your DH is sufficiently oblivious to both the seriousness of his sons problems, and the level of stress and anxiety you are undergoing in order to have his son in your home, then I think you should not wait too much longer before taking action. It is completely unreasonable for him to feel entitled to 'time off' while you hold the fort, when you are already going above and beyond the call of duty having a teen who actually frightens you living with your children. He should be stepping up and using his spare time to bond with his son, get to grips with his problems, and give YOU a break.
I have a troubled SD14 who moved in a little over 2 months ago having got into trouble and decided she did not want to live with her mother. My situation is nowhere near as serious as yours - I worry about SD and am suspicious of her but I am not actually frightened of her and she does appear to be making efforts to improve her behaviour, but still I absolutely expect DH to be bloody appreciative of the fact that I have agreed to the unheaval and stress involved in taking responsibility for her full time. If he did not provide that, and pay attention to my views on parenting her, then I would get very angry very quickly. If necessary I would take a break and stay with family in order for my points to sink in. Ultimately that would be to the detriment of SD, who needs consistent parenting and a stable home. In failing to take his sons problems seriously and blaming you for 'negativity' your husband is letting down his son, you, and your own 2 children.
It may be that your DH is so defensive because he is simply does not not know what to do, and it is easier to wallow in denial than face up to the fact that his child has serious problems and a lot of work is needed to address them. But that is just not acceptable, he should not have taken on custody if he was not prepared to step up and take full responsibility.
You are prisoners in our own
You are prisoners in our own home and you can't leave him alone in the house w/out supervision. There comes a certain point that you must protect yourself, your family and everything you've worked for. I personally would be outta there and would tell DH that if he thinks that you are overreacting and it's typical/harmless behavior then he would understand if you left with the kiddos until he got a proper diagnosis stating otherwise.
I know some things are easier said then done, but even the fact that DH had to call 911 himself? I'm very, very scared for you!