New to Forum, not SC
Hello Members!
I'm new... yes, the famous beginning to the newbies posts.
I'm not new to SC, just the site.
This is my 3rd mariage, first I had my own children. Second I was SM to a single girl (evil incarnate). And now, third and final. Making me a SM to 3 adding one of our own. I've been married to DH for 5 years (together 6). We've blended our family for this time, having two of my own (Now 21 & 18) and two of his (Now 15 & 13). His oldest is 21. (lived with her BM then got married and moved out) And, we have a 2 year old together.
BM is worthless. She is a weekend babysitter (when she gets them) and a week or so during holidays. They come home sick or stinky and with attitudes I could choke. I'm not new the SP thing. I understand they will "reset" during every visit and have to be refocused to function in our home with some manners and SENSE. My issue is they will NOT stop lying to me, sneaking, taking things that don't belong to them, talking to one another and US like dirt. Doesn't matter what you do, they will NOT kick the habit. DH is lenient. Seems like if they aren't doing it to him he doesn't have to do anything. However, they are... he just doesn't see it. They don't bold face lie to him but they will look me in the eye and lie like I'm not even standing there. SD13 is so disrespectful to adults that I think she could have a disorder or some kind and my DH doesn't want to think of it. Developmental issues. I'm very patient, not outwardly hateful. But it is wearing thin. My children do NOT lie, if they do I'd take them down a few notches. DH loves my kids. Thinks of them as his own. My son (21) is autistic (although high functioning) and DH has taken with him so well and shows so much patience. But, he doesn't lie to him. He doesn't steal or break his things and is NOT rude or disrespectful. I really don't like SD & SS because of their lack of respect or desire to be that way. They are lazy (as are all of my kids) but openly so. Will do things half way with the "i didn't know" response.. Knowing because it is the same way EVERY TIME... At my whits end here... totally.
DH doesn't know they stress me. I'm raising them. DH and BM do not take time with them, not what they need. I'm all they have. But they openly disrespect and DH says I'm to hard on them. Someone has to be.
I'd like to say "DONE".. but, then they would have no one.
Oh yes, the pre visitation
Oh yes, the pre visitation behavioral degradation and the post visitation behavioral detox. We lived it for 16+ years. My bride and I partnered to raise SS-22 from the time we married the week before he turned 2. One thing that helped us do that was that both of us made our marriage the top priority over everything else even the kid. The kid was out top marital responsibility but he never took priority over the marriage.
I would say tell your DH and the two of you work together as equity life partners to raise all of the kids in your home as equity parents. If you don't tell him, how will he know you are struggling?
Good luck and take care of yourself.
Its hard to convince their
Its hard to convince their father that it's not "my" job. Their mother is not a good influence so he wants the best environment for them, that means a stable home with a loving mother and father. Yet, it makes me sick to be around them. In some ways, well most; I know this is wrong of me. Wrong in the sense that they do what they do because they are immature. I'm a mature adult and know better. I'm just tired of the drama and want it to just be me, our son and my husband. Mine are grown, so just the 3 of us would tickle me.
I'm buying time until they are 18. Then, they can move in with their mother for all I care. She'll just take their money and use their credit. YES, she's done that already with the oldest girl.
Thanks for the comments! Its been insightful.